I'm really struggling right now. In some ways I feel worse off than at the beginning, when my world exploded, which was nearly six months ago. Maybe its because I expect more of myself now, more ability to cope, and so I'm more disheartened by my own lack of ability to do so.
It's like I've been surfing, riding just ahead of this huge wave of sadness, anger, fear.. you know, the shit storm. And I'm okay, until the freaking second I lose my momentum, and then it crashes over me and takes me under.
This has happened many, many times in the last six months. Just recently I noticed (and posted) that I felt like my rebounds were coming quicker and easier, and that felt really good. But right after I posted that, like the next day, I came across a photo of XHW and OW. For the first time.
I didn't feel much right at that moment, except surprise, since it was (very inappropriately) posted on the linkdin business networking site. But now.. god... seeing that has just made this whole thing REAL in a horrible new way that I can't even begin to describe... and I'm glad I don't have to because I'm sure many of you already know exactly what I mean.
I know OW. She was not a friend, but we had socialized together, spent time together. She'd been to our home. So it wasn't seeing HER. It was seeing THEM. Cozy and cuddly, smiling... looking every inch the happy couple.
So now I'm stuck under this fucking wave. I've lost 70+ pounds over the last year through very hard work. Now I can hardly get to the gym. I just want to SIT. I eat at weird times and when I do eat its crap. Fattening, comforting CRAP. I'm becoming nocturnal... staying up too late, struggling to get up in the morning. I'm not taking care of basic chores around my home. Yesterday and today it had finally stopped raining here. Crisp, lovely fall days... I should have walked my dog. He needed it, hell *I* needed, but I didn't. I just sat. I'm self-employed so its 100% on me to stay motivated and on top of my work. Yeah... that isn't going so well either.
I saw my IC on Tuesday, and that helped some. She doesn't think I need medication or anything like that, because I was coping before and I guess I will again... I'm just stuck.
Sorry this is so long. I hope putting it out there will help in some way. Thank you all for listening.
Me: BS, 45 Him: XWH, 45
Five stepkids, all his
Two furbabies, all MINE!
Together 8 yrs, married for 5
DDay 04.10.13 Divorced 05.14.13
Right now is harder than it looks. ~ Van Halen