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Wayward Side
User Topic: Letters?
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

I used to talk to OMM about everything....especially my relationship. He and BH work together, and their job is not an easy job to deal with, so When BH and I would get into fights I would text/call OMM asking if this was common for their job or not. He played the supportive friend, never downing my BH, always seeming so concerned for our marriage and it's best interest....yeahhhhh whatever? I was an idiot to not consider if he REALLY cared about our marriage he wouldn't be sleeping with me. Anyways I digress....after Dday, and going NC with OMM I struggled alot with not talking to him about mine and BH's arguments, but I did it. But I always felt like there was a rock on my chest, having horrible anxiety attacks. Well MC suggested that when I got those feelings to write a letter "to" OMM saying what I normally would have said in our text or phone calls, imagine the convo we would have and write it down, and then instead of sending it to OMM give it to BH so he could truly see what I was feeling. I've done it a time or two, and it's gone okay, bc there were never any i love you's or anything ever exchanged between me and OMM, and BH seems to be doing okay with it as well, but I'm just wondering what you all think of this. It just seemed....odd to me.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 4th (Friday)

How about just keeping a journal for yourself? You can give your BH the option of reading it. But it should be for you to help work though your feelings. In time you can look back and see the progress you have made.

IMHO, it seems that writing the OMM a letter - even though you do not give it to him - still keeps the A alive in your mind.

[This message edited by SandAway at 6:51 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, October 4th (Friday)

It seems odd to me also that your MC would suggest that...I understand why he/she would want you to write it down, but I don't understand why he/she would want you to address it to OM. To me, it seems like that is enabling you to hold on to OM.

Any anxiety or issues you have in your relationship should be addressed with your BH rather than a third party.

I do think it's a good idea to write down what your feelings are and then show your BH. Journaling has helped me get a lot of my feelings out.

hopefully other more knowledgeable WS can help you out with this also!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 872 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 4th (Friday)

How about just keeping a journal for yourself? You can give your BH the option of reading it. But it should be for you to help work though your feelings. In time you can look back and see the progress you have made.
IMHO, it seems that writing the OMM a letter - even though you do not give it to him - still keeps the A alive in your mind.


her first suggestion was a journal. but i have never been good at "journaling" persay. it seems if i'm not talking to someone, i just can't get the words to come out right, even writing them down. i tried it for a little while and it just wasn't working, so in my next session i explain to her my delimma in that i still didn't feel like i was getting my feelings out there on the paper like i used to when i would text my "books" to OMM, and yes they were books, i would send my entire issue in one long runon sentence. She then made the suggestion of writing him the letters but giving them to my BH. i asked her if i could just write the letters to my BH to leave OMM out of it, but she said she doesn't think i would mentally let myself be compleatly open and honest about how i was feeling, if the letter was direct to BH, that by writing the letter to OMM, it gets past that mental block. idk, like i said, it just seemed like a really odd suggestion to me. i think i could do just as well writing the letter to BH, i just wanted to get others input on this to see if this seemed like something that was normal or if maybe i need to look for a new MC. the thing is, I go to our MC, BH does not. He from day one (which was before DD) has refused to go see any type of counselor. i got him to go talk to our preacher with me before, but thats about all there was to it. he has come to some of my sessions, if there is something we "need" him for, but does not ususally sit in.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 4th (Friday)

So you can "text" a book to AP, but you can't "write" it out... there's really no difference. Is it that actually writing it out is just a slower process? If that is the case, get an online journal. Type it all out. Same speed as texting.

Actually, SI has a journal feature. Click on your profile and there's a link for it. You can change the settings so that it's public or private. (Who in the world would make it public!?)

The thing is communication. You can talk to another man about your marriage, but you can't talk to the one you're married to about your marriage. That is the thing that needs worked on.

Write your thoughts out as you feel them. Not to anyone. But to yourself. There is a reason for NC with the AP. Keeping the AP in the equation in any form keeps him in your marriage. He has no place there.

If you feel uncomfortable with your MC, switch. I've seen many people here try a couple different ones till they find a good fit.

I'm in a similar situation. My BH won't go to any form of counseling. I've been doing this all on my own. coming here for advice, reading, researching, finding ways to make it work. Try something, if it works, good. If not, try something else. I'm actually very blessed that he's been very open to most of what I've presented. We have worked together to find something that works for us.

At any rate, good luck.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:19 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6295 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, October 4th (Friday)

So you can "text" a book to AP, but you can't "write" it out... there's really no difference. Is it that actually writing it out is just a slower process? If that is the case, get an online journal. Type it all out. Same speed as texting.

it's not necissarily the writing it that is the problem, it's the feeling like i am talking to myself... when it's not in letter/text form, i feel like i'm having a convo with myself and i just sort of lock up so to speak. idk if that is making any sense or not. but she had asked me to bring one of my journal entries to my session and i did (this specific one i had typed on the notepad on my phone, i try to write them as soon as i can so i don't lose anything i'm feeling) and after reading it outloud she asked me if i felt i had let everything out that i felt about that particular situation and i told her no, that i felt as if i was holding back alot of my feelings and thoughts. she then asked me when i talked to OMM about my marriage did i hold anything back from him or if i lied and manipulated the situation, which i responded that no i never lied or fabricated any fight or issue BH and i had, but that looking back and through convo w/ BH and C realized that i had exagerated quite a bit, weither it be b/c things seemed "so good" in that fanasty world i was living in that it made things seem so bad in real world, or it be that i wanted the attention, there are multiple things i can think of now that seemed so much worse when i talked to OMM than they truly are, but i never fabricated any fights and i was always honest about how i was feeling. that was when she told me she felt it would be more beneficial for me to write in letter form like i was having a convorsation with someone instead of just writing for the sake of writing or writing to myself, that i was a person who needed communication in order to fully divuldge what i was feeling otherwise i would put a block up there. that was when i asked why i couldn't just write the lettters to BH and she said that she didn't believe i would say much more in a letter to him than i would say with him sitting right beside me. BH has been fine with it, and i've done it twice, to date, and he's read them and we have discussed them, but i, like you, feel like it's just keeping OMM in our marriage, even if he isn't aware of it, b/c when writing them, in order to keep the "convo" going i have to think of what he might would say to me, otherwise i just hit a stopping point mid sentence, still feeling alot of things, but not knowing how to make the letter convey that. and i don't want to nor need to think of the advice he gave me.

i like her as a MC, she has given me some great advice, and helped me through quite a few of my own personal issues that developed well before BH and i were married. i don't want to leave her, i think i'm just going to start writing the letters to my BH anyways and see how that goes, and discuss it with her at our next session. if it doesn't work maybe see what other options there are that do not involve OMM.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 4th (Friday)

I get what you're saying about locking up talking to yourself, that you need a person to address yourself to. When you are writing, you are writing to a reader -- and lots of people need to have a real person in mind in order to write truly or effectively, instead of an impersonal "a reader" (can you tell I used to teach freshman english??)

I also do not think "addressing" your letters/text/books to your AP is a good idea. At all. (can you tell I am the BS in my marriage??) Even if you never send it to him, even if you give it to your BH. You are keeping him alive in your mind, and in your heart, by doing this. You are making him your confidante...that's how you got into trouble before.

So, you need someone else to "address" or "talk to" in your letters. Who could be a confidante for you, one you would be frank with? I do agree that you want to work to make this your BH, but if you're not there yet, you need someone else to "address." Sister? Friend? You could pick someone on SI whose opinions you respect...without necessarily bombarding that person with your "books"!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 4th (Friday)

I get what you're saying about locking up talking to yourself, that you need a person to address yourself to. When you are writing, you are writing to a reader -- and lots of people need to have a real person in mind in order to write truly or effectively, instead of an impersonal "a reader" (can you tell I used to teach freshman english??)
I also do not think "addressing" your letters/text/books to your AP is a good idea. At all. (can you tell I am the BS in my marriage??) Even if you never send it to him, even if you give it to your BH. You are keeping him alive in your mind, and in your heart, by doing this. You are making him your confidante...that's how you got into trouble before.

So, you need someone else to "address" or "talk to" in your letters. Who could be a confidante for you, one you would be frank with? I do agree that you want to work to make this your BH, but if you're not there yet, you need someone else to "address." Sister? Friend? You could pick someone on SI whose opinions you respect...without necessarily bombarding that person with your "books"!

thank you so much. you said why i have trouble "journaling" better than i could lol. and yes i can tell the freshamn english teacher and the BS parts.

i do have a sister i could address them to and also a best friend (female) who is a close friend of the marriage that i could address it to. i think MC's outlook on it was OMM was the only person i was discussing my feelings about the marriage to, i wasn't discussing it with my sister, or my best friend, so she used him as that outlet, but i agree with you i don't think he needs to be involved at all, and think that i could still get the point across in my letters without "telling my story" to OMM.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 5th (Saturday)


I'm glad that what I said helped. And props to you for trying to do the right thing and to reconcile. It's hard work! But worth it.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 9