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User Topic: Urrr
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Stop  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 4th (Friday)

Ever have a day where you want to scream Fck Fck Fck. I hate my Fckn life. and let it all out. Just unleash, just so you can get moving again.
So much crap inside my brain and no where to put it. The sky maybe. I don't know. I just fills a person and you can't see it is making me immobile and I want it to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frick I hate being this way.
My girlfriend told me I had to forgive myself to move on. Really, how the hell do you do that. A lot of talk about the BS finding a way to forgive. How about as a WS, how do you forgive yourself. Its not as though someone did this to you. I can forgive others cause I can see there reasons their life their and can accept mistakes. But how do you forgive yourself for doing this to yourself and to those you love.
Inexcusable , I get all the psycho ananlysis and would love to fall into that let it excuse my behavior, but really isn't that making excuses.
Yes I can live better be better, but ultimately I gave up on everything including myself.
I would love a new skin a new face, so I don't have look at her anymore.
gGod I am getting tired.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013
darkbeast
Member
Member # 19220
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 4th (Friday)

A few years ago, I pretty much felt the same way and put similar sentiments here on SI.

Ever have a day where you want to scream Fck Fck Fck. I hate my Fckn life. and let it all out. Just unleash, just so you can get moving again.

Do that. You'll want to be alone for a number of reasons, but do it. It helps and you will feel better.

I can forgive others cause I can see there reasons their life their and can accept mistakes

I'm the same way, but it's because you know your motivations and thoughts. With others, we chalk it up to mistake because, hey, they probably didn't MEAN to do it. But we know what what we did--when, why, how--there is no benefit of the doubt since there is no doubt.

How about as a WS, how do you forgive yourself

Self forgiveness is difficult and overrated. Make the changes that you need, be trustworthy, become the person that you want to be. Remember that discipline and punishment are not the same thing.

I would love a new skin a new face, so I don't have look at her anymore.

I grew a beard to hide behind, I don't think that's a viable option for you.

[This message edited by darkbeast at 11:36 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


I thought I wanted a career, but I discoved that I just like paychecks.

Posts: 2466 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Florida
unforgivable5
Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 4th (Friday)

I have those days too. Fairly often. There's a part of me that would love to just start all over. Completely. Just drop everything, move to another country, brand new identity, brand new life. I think I'd move to France and become an artist and Johnny Depp and I would be besties. Except I'm not very good at art. And he seems like kind of a dick. Oh well. And it certainly wouldn't fix anything.

I don't have any great advice, but I agree with everything darkbeast said. if you feel like belting out some F bombs at the top of your lungs, then do it. (Just not within 100 yards of an elementary school or church).

Not sure about self forgiveness either. I did what I did, and it can't be undone. But I know that working to become the person I want to be is the only way to make it better. If I can become that person, maybe I'll forgive myself one day.


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

In all of this , I can finally say I am not interested in running. And for me this is huge. I would like the new face just so I can look in the mirror but there is no way in hell I am running this time.
In a way I wonder if this is the most unfair thing I am doing to my husband. Now I am step up, Now I am being strong, When I've just beat him to a pulp because I'm weak. Hmm that's just messed up.
But it is what needs to be done and yes it for me, its for our kids its for our life and family, and its for him.
The frustration and the anger all come from not knowing what to do
And yes
But we know what what we did--when, why, how--there is no benefit of the doubt since there is no doubt
. This is it. Makes it so hard .To move forward the part that makes it hard to live with yourself the part that just says you were so wrong.
The part I need to remember is a person lives and survives based on the skills and the knowledge they knew at the time. This is where all the levels of consciousness comes into play. whether it subconscious or conscious and competenance. All learn skills all thoughts behaviors and processes that you have used to live . Some you consciously use to make decisions some subconsciously that you don't even know where there.
All I know is all this stuff fills my brain and it won't stop so can't imagine what my husbands mind is like


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 4