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User Topic: NC and other issues
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Stop  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 4th (Friday)

Sorry for all the threads, I joined very soon after DDay, posted a couple of things, then became a lurker until I felt I was more prepared and comfortable with talking about everything. I am prepared and comfortable now so I have all these questions.

On Dday, BH understandably so asked me to go NC w/ OMM. He works with OMM. I agreed. Later that night BH expressed that he planned on confronting OMM about our A, and that since the only time he see’s him is at work he was going to have to do it at work. I did not feel I was in any place to argue, so I didn’t. OMM had told me from the beginning of A that if ever asked about it he would lie, weither there was proof or not. My BH is a very aggressive man, so I knew that if OMM lied to his face about it, in uniform or not, BH would hit him and they would get to fighting and both lose their jobs. I broke NC and messaged OMM and told him my BH knew everything, that I was not going to be able to talk to him anymore, but that he planned on confronting him at work and he needed to tell the truth. I then deleted and blocked his number, blocked and deleted his facebook. Everything. OMM did not work that night and BH didn’t want to wait to confront him so he called him, no answer. So he text him advising him that he knew everything and he needed to stay away from our family. I confessed to BH that I had broken no contact and told him why, and although fear of them losing their jobs (mostly BH) was my justification at the time, realize I was wrong for breaking it at all, or being concerned with him or the happenings to him whatsoever. BH and I worked through this issue, as he did not like that I broke it, but appreciated me coming forward and him not having to find out on his own. I shortly later found this site and read about NC letters. BH asked me to write a NC letter, and I did. I do not know OMM’s address, as he had moved out of his listed address before A started based on a divorce he was going through with his BS at the time that had nothing to do with our A(it was way before our A) and BH agreed that since they were in the process of a divorce before the A even began he did not see it necessary to mail the letter to that home knowing he doesn’t live there and out him to his STBX, BH liked OMM as a person and coworker and although despises him now, does not want to involve his now ex in this situation) I did not want to text the letter as I felt that would open the lines of communication, and BH did not want to give him the letter personally as he felt that it would look as if I was forced to write the letter, so to BH’s request, I went to BH and OMM’s work at the end of shift and handed him the letter. No words were spoken. NC fully in effect. Has not been broken since that day.

Fast forward to a few months ago… at BH’s request I went to go get checked for STD’s… i had begun seeing a new OBGYN b/c the one I had been using did some very questionable things during the birth of my child so I did not want to see her any longer. At my first appointment with the new OBGYN she asked me when my last pap was… I told her. she then asked if I had ever been checked for STD’s, and I told her I had assumed that when I got my pap done they did that. she advised me that no they only check for things such as herpes and whatnot when asked to do so. My previous OB never informed me of that, I thought all this time when I was getting my pap’s I was getting tested for everything. So I told her I wanted the full spectrum of testing. Sure enough I get a phone call a week later, I’ve got herpes. She asked if I had ever had an outbreak to which I informed her not that I was aware of. She then set me up an appointment for a second test, as sometimes they can be wrong, this test too came back positive. We do not know for sure who it came from. I have only had 4 sexual partners but b/c I had never been tested (as I thought I had) there is really no way of telling, from what my ob has told me. I guess it doesn’t really matter where I got it anyways, but just wanted to make that point. Where all this comes into play is this…. b/c I don’t know where it came from, I became very angry, with myself, with the men I have slept with, with the women who have slept with them….everyone, b/c SOMEONE knew they had this, and slept with someone who slept with someone who slept with me and gave it to me. OR SOMEONE had a choice to be tested and didn’t, and had this and……well you get the picture. Through many conversations with BH I expressed that I would feel horrible if I gave this to anyone (him, OMM, or the other 2 in my past) and they slept with someone and gave it to them, and now had the same questions as to where it came from. I told him I wanted to send letters to the 3 from my past (without my name) letting them know that someone they have slept with in the past was infected and they should go get checked. He was okay with this. But that comes back to not knowing OMM’s address…… I have no way to get the letter to him… I can honestly say I wouldn’t care if he knew or not, but I would feel awful if I heard he slept with someone and they got it, and I had not tried my best to make sure he was informed. I would feel like it was my fault that SHE got it, and that I had ruined this poor girls world when if I told him, it possibly could have prevented this outcome.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here……so any advice could be used. thanks


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Could you please clarify something for me you said in a previous post this:


I was afraid he would punch him in the face if he had lied about the A and that they would both lose their jobs, so much so that when BS told me he was going to confront him I almost messaged OM and informed him BS knew everything and not to lie to him, but quickly realized I was in no position to be breaking my NC and that even though my mind was trying to justify it by saying that I was protecting BS's job, I knew it wasn't the case and did not do it.
( bolded for clarification)

But in this post you say this:

I broke NC and messaged OMM and told him my BH knew everything, that I was not going to be able to talk to him anymore, but that he planned on confronting him at work and he needed to tell the truth. I then deleted and blocked his number, blocked and deleted his facebook. Everything

So you did warn OMM. Is he married too?


ETA...
You clarified you told your BH you broke NC. I understand now.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:40 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 4th (Friday)

We can only guess how widespread herpes is, because something like 80% of infected people never have symptoms and therefore aren''t diagnosed. Some studies say a quarter of Americans have it, others say it''s half or more.

At age 19 I had a horrible HPV breakout. I''d had two partners, and wrote both of them encouraging them to get tested. Both vehemently denied they were infected, and I think they were innocently ignorant...not lying. My doctor said odds were pretty much every sexually-active college student had been exposed to HPV or herpes.

In my state they are required by law to test pregnant women for several STDs including HIV.

You said you were angry at everyone. That''s not a great place to be, and I don''t want to make light of STDsbut most sexually active adults (excepting "one and onlys" have been exposed to HPV or herpes. Condoms don''t even guarantee protection. So try not to beat yourself up about it.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 4th (Friday)

So you did warn OMM. Is he married too?


yes i warned OMM, that part of that post was a lie, which is one of the reasons i stopped posting and just began lurking b/c i realized if i was not willing to be up front and honest then there was really no point in me posting until i COULD be.

he is not married. he was married at the time but he had moved out of the home well before they A began and they had filed for divorce due to other circumstances.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 4th (Friday)

If you want to have OMM informed, let your BH do it if he will. He works with him and can find out his address easily. He can even do it anonymously if he can find the OM's address through the directory and let him know. I don't think you should contact him in any form. If your BH is ok with you doing so then fine.

However the wise way would be to let him handle it...the OMM should be informed that he could potentially have herpes.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 4th (Friday)

He works with him and can find out his address easily. He can even do it anonymously if he can find the OM's address through the directory

we tried this when it came to the NC letter.... the listed address in their department directory is his ex wifes home. when he moved he never changed the address.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 4th (Friday)

You said you were angry at everyone. That's not a great place to be, and I don't want to make light of STDsbut most sexually active adults (excepting "one and onlys" have been exposed to HPV or herpes. Condoms don't even guarantee protection. So try not to beat yourself up about it.


thank you, i am past the point of being angry with everyone and now am just at the point where i want to try to avoid anyone else being hurt by my actions, espessially not perfect strangers. i have hurt enough people with my A. don't want to hurt anyone else.

BH got tested after my results came back and he was positive as well. he had never been tested before and i am not his only, so we literly don't know where it came from or who gave it to who, and have at this point just kinda come to agree, that like you said, chances are we were both exposed to it at some point, so there is really no telling and no reason to stress ourselves about it(espessially considering stress can cause outbreaks)


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 4th (Friday)

we tried this when it came to the NC letter.... the listed address in their department directory is his ex wifes home. when he moved he never changed the address.

Does OM's supervisor know where he lives? His supervisor should know where he is staying in case they can't reach him electronically.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 4th (Friday)

Does OM's supervisor know where he lives? His supervisor should know where he is staying in case they can't reach him electronically.

i'm not sure. i will have to ask BH if he will check into this for me. I know "where" he lives as far as the street and everything, but i do not know the house number, and BH has even driven by back when we were trying to send the NC letter, and tried to find a number on the mailbox and there isn't one.

he is fine with sending the letter, or me sending it, either way. it's already written out as i wrote each other them the same letter that simply stated

(name)
I am someone whom you have slept with in the past. I am writing to inform you that i recently tested positive for herpes and i had not been tested before. this means i do not know who i got it from or who i could have exposed to it. take this information for what you want, but i am giving you this so that you can be tested and protect yourself and others.

no name or anything.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Topic Posts: 9