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Reconciliation
User Topic: WS's "why"
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

So we had a great talk yesterday about digging to the "why" of the A(s) beyond selfishness and wanting to in the moment (my least favorite). Anyway he says it goes back to FOO issues as far as wanting attention from anyone. His parents divorced when he was 7 and they were both so wrapped up in their own issues that he was left on his own for the most part, feeling unwanted by both. He never got over his anger and bitterness toward them and he latched on to anyone who showed him the smallest amount of attention.

So I guess that is a big thing for me to hear, there is so much more with trust and intimacy issues as well but we have come farther in the past 5 months then we have our entire marriage!!!!!


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

That sounds like you are doing some great digging!!!!

Another question I read that I think is crucial for preventing a future A is: "What did you tell yourself to give yourself permission to have the A?"

I thought that was brilliant and could be the key!!!!

Good luck!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

That's a great start, and HUGE!


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14852 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

So happy he can talk about it..
I asked my H and he just says.
I don't know. It's was a thrill, the attention and I felt fun again and it was my secret
I asked him about the permission.
Again crickets. And I ask again. His response
I don't know.
I feel lost.
But glad you are doing better. Maybe someday


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

He never got over his anger and bitterness toward them and he latched on to anyone who showed him the smallest amount of attention.

I would suggest that he wasn't latching on to 'attention', but that he was seeking out those willing to show him 'Admiration'.

Personally, 'admiration' is my highest need.

I learned this when I read the book, 'His Needs, Her Needs' by Dr. Willard Harley.

In some circles it's called 'words of affirmation' rather than admiration. From the book, 'The Five Love Languages', by Gary Chapman. Another really good book, just not as in depth.
I prefer to call it admiration.

Admiration was a tough one for me, without realizing it, I frequently refused to accept it from my wife in the ways she offered it, yet I was actively seeking it out from others.
My lack of boundaries and my willingness to accept/crave admiration from others was a recipe for disaster.

When my wife and I began to understand my need for admiration, we were able to change our relationship to meet this need together. It was tough in the beginning due to my adultery. It was tough for my wife to find admirable qualities through the day when her mind was replaying the pain I caused again and again. I had to allow enough time and enough admirable behavior to overcome my presence also being one of her sources of pain.....

[This message edited by Card at 1:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Card, that's interesting. My FWH is not as introspective as I wish he were, but I am 100% sure that Admiration was a huge chunk of his attraction to OW. She absolutely idolized him.

And yet, I expressed admiration for him on a regular basis. I had him on a pedestal. I thought I'd won the husband lottery! Why did my admiration not count?


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

It's funny but the permission thing has been tough. He says he knew it was all wrong but never thought once about me or anything but what felt good to him.

As far as admiration, I believe that for whatever reason they see the spouse as someone who is "suppose" to admire them and either take it for granted or don't notice. But when an outsider comes around and worships them it MUST mean something (being sarcastic) WS said all he wanted was more and more of that ego boost.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

My H realizes that the amount of "admiration" the OW was showing was excessive and overblown. He realizes that now, of course. He now is suspicious when people are overly complimentary.

And now my opinion of him is the one that counts the most. Like others I always went out of my way to praise him, etc, but he was not in a place to hear it.

As far as "permission" he didn't even try to go there; he just figured if he felt like it at the time and could compartmentalize it enough that that was okay. He was just not invested enough in any other person to put their needs into the equation. He is now mortified to have been that person.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

As far as admiration, I believe that for whatever reason they see the spouse as someone who is "suppose" to admire them and either take it for granted or don't notice. But when an outsider comes around and worships them it MUST mean something (being sarcastic) WS said all he wanted was more and more of that ego boost.

YUP!

But it's more than just an ego boost....
I'd never considered Admiration a need until I read about it in 'His Needs, Her Needs'.
It finally made sense after that.

Learning the ways I liked having this need met the most was very insightful to both my wife and myself.


Why did my admiration not count?

My wife asked this same question....

It was more about me not realizing how I was allowing others to meet this need so often. It had the effect of putting my wife's attempts on the same level as others, thereby minimizing her praises.


And this;

He is now mortified to have been that person.

Ditto!



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 9