SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: maybe I should stay off here
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

Sometimes I'm doing OK with things and then I get on here and read about the lies someone's WH or WW told them and I suddenly think: "My husband told me that too and I still don't know if I believe him..." and then I start to feel all nerved up again and stressed out. This happens a lot on the weekends because WH wants to spend more time together as a family. We are going pass where she lived and where he met her again today and every time we do I wig out and every time I wig out he gets annoyed and says he doesn't get why that stuff bothers me still. Not even three months into this process and sometimes...sometimes..he invalidates my feelings. I know he is working on things too, but I wish he'd understand I don't have control over what upsets me.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

I definitely have to take this place with a grain of salt. I appreciate some of the great advice I have gotten and obviously there are things said here that only other people in a similar situation could understand but I get the strong sense that it is possible to get addicted to the pain of complaining vs. standing up and taking action. Different than being oblivious to the truth!


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

I think SI has saved my sanity, but I do have to be careful about spending time in the JFO forum. The stories of secret email accounts and burn phones and false R and taking the A underground can make me nuts.

The JFO posts often trigger me and I start combing phone and text logs and email and credit card bills looking for SOMETHING. My heart races and I feel sick to my stomach and I never find a friggin thing.

Spend time in the places that are helpful to you and avoid the ones that don't. There's no need to torture yourself here.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

I have those feelings sometimes too. Why do I always think I'm the only one? :)
But I have gotten so much good from here as well. I do watch where I go now. I stay in reconciliation now because that is my goal. I look for positive stories as much as I can. And I try use the negative stories as a learning tool.
Never upset yourself unnecessarily though. This journey is different for all of us and the important thing is doing what feels right to you. I wish you strength and hope.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Not even three months into this process and sometimes...sometimes..he invalidates my feelings.

Your H is still foggy in his thinking. It's still early recovery for you and it's going to take time. I just recommend you tell him that it hurts when he acts this way. It will help the light shine through the fog. Just do it respectfully if you want it to make an impact.


As far as triggering, YES!!! The forums caused my wife to trigger often, but the benefits of helping others gave her some strength to deal with the pain in her own life from day to day.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
travels
Member
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Some of the forums can cause he to trigger. Do what feels right for you.

As for your husband, that was an insensitive thing for him to say. Recovery time is longer than some realize. Is there anyway you can take a different road to get somewhere?


When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3760 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

oops! hit submit again...

[This message edited by Card at 1:24 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I too can over think and apply someone else's issues to me, but I try to keep it all in perspective. Before DDay I was totally ignorant at all of this. I see reading about everyone's revelations as knowledge to keep. I can try to follow up and look at my H as a result or just continue to keep my eyes open and watch. Hopefully I will never be that ignorant wife again. I say trust but verify. At our age I am not sure I will ever be comfortable with total trust and that is sad.

I appreciate everyone brave enough to share on here and I appreciate the education. I just wish I never had the need for such.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1405 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Hi topperoff22.

I told my H several times (until he started to get it) that the better and more quickly he handled my triggers the faster I would be able to move past them. I even told him what to say--"I'm so sorry that you are having to feel this way due to my awful choices. What can I do to help you right now?". Once he truly got this it did help.

Frankly he feels like a complete selfish asshole when he thinks about the A and so tries not to. My triggers forced him to. He needed to learn that it wasn't about his feelings at that time and help me.

And sometimes I do feel that coming on SI makes me focus too much on the past. I also try to look for positive posts, and post my own. But in balance I owe so much to this place.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
SpiderGrl
Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Why does misery love company? I have to watch myself getting too caught up too. I got all caught up in a burner phone conversation and projected it into my situation all while my spidey sense was telling me .. No.. You know better. (But do I?) I never found anything but the fear pops up evey so often.

And I say misery loves company because it makes me feel less crazy to know I'm not the only one who can get caught up by proxy.

[This message edited by SpiderGrl at 5:39 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

3 months and he's already - or still - invalidating your feelings?!

No. Not okay.

Has he read anything -- How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, Not Just Friends, etc?

He caused you immense pain. He needs to help you through this if you are willing to give him another chance!


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

and every time I wig out he gets annoyed and says he doesn't get why that stuff bothers me still.

So 3 months in and he's annoyed by you being upset because he cheated on you.

You can stay away from SI and avoid thinking about some things, yes, but that won't make your WH suddenly stop being an impatient, uncaring ass. Your triggers are going to happen, unfortunately. The real fix is not doing your best to avoid them, but doing your best to address them.

Do what you need to do, but make sure you are taking care of yourself. I'm sorry you're hurting and he isn't hearing you.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7373 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I cant visit JFO forum yet....I see too much of me back then...see people 3 weeks out that think they have processed the pain and that they are once again a team with their spouse.

I am so embarrassed about how I thought and acted early on...just cant read about that yet....and I am 1 year out.

And sometimes I do feel that coming on SI makes me focus too much on the past. I also try to look for positive posts, and post my own. But in balance I owe so much to this place.

Catlover50....well stated. I, too, am focusing more and more on the present and even the future...sometimes posts remind me of my past. I too owe much to this site...and enjoy the possibility that I am helping others in the R forum who are just a little behind me on this journey. On another note...I responded to your PM, hope it explained a bit more of my journey. Thank you for your continued interest in me.

SI, like most of life, is a good PART of recovery...but it should be kept in balance.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I love this place and the support I get. It's all how I handle it and that's what I have to work on ...


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I love this place and the support I get. It's all how I handle it and that's what I have to work on ...


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Sorry, I keep double posting. No idea what that's about. And yes..three months in/out and he's still invalidating my emotions, feelings and triggers. However, tonight there was a slight break through as he told me he is now reading the stuff I've sent him..and some of the books. He is understanding more and more why I have "triggers". He said, "I'm trying to learn and understand. I really am. Please try to be patient with me while I work on figuring out how your feeling too."

Maybe there is hope...I don't know..


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

topperoff22....

Maybe there is hope...I don't know..

I will pass along some very good advice I received. At 3 months into this you are still finding out what all of this means to you...and that is a lot to process.

Don't make any major decisions for a while, not even about the hope or hopelessness of your situation.....take that concern off of your plate. It will be there when you are ready to address it.

First thing is to make a safe spot for you....whatever that means for you....find a place to rest.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:35 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

He said, "I'm trying to learn and understand. I really am. Please try to be patient with me while I work on figuring out how your feeling too."

I hope this doesn't offend you, but your H is a goddamn child. He needs to find his dick, man up and be an adult about the consequences of his actions.

I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with this stuff. I hope it gets better soon.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7373 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

i am so thankful for this site. honestly, i think the only reason i am still married...and attempting to r in such a positive, honest way on both ends is because of the support, and brutal honestly of the members here. it also helped to learn that i was not the only one....that this cheating crap is very common and universal. hang in there and keep posting. we are there for you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I can't do this. I really can't. Every time I get upset he makes it about him..somehow he fucking makes it about him and declares he is leaving so he doesn't hurt me anymore and he can't do this ad it would be easier if he was dead or gone or blah, blah, so I end up begging him not to say thta but tonight I decided fuck it I don't care anymore. I can't keep trying to comfort him. I have nothing left to give. I have nothing left period. Between him and his sister cutting me out of their side of the family as if I was the ne who destroyed this family....and my brother in law hitting on me and my niece's ninth birthday is tomorrow and I really miss my nieces but WH what grow a pair and tell them the truth -- that he had an affair and did all this. Then there is my mom suffering from fibromyalgia and losing her sight and my dad who is so cranky after he was invovled in a fatal accident earlier this year that was not his fault (this happened right before WH fucked his ex girlfriend and destroyed my trust in anyone and everything, including God). I'm really a mess. I can't take anymore. I really can't. My health issues coupled wth all this. I just wan it to all end. I can't take anymor and I certainly can't take WH stomping ou of the house like a fucking baby while I lay here in bed sobbing uncontrollably with no one to comfort me. WHen do I get fucking comfort? INstead of guilt trips?!!!!!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
BetrayalHurts
Member
Member # 34836
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I continue to come here daily hoping to find my answers...my ah hah moment....anything to make me be able to continue pretending everything is as OK as my fwh thinks it is.

Don't get me wrong...he has been wonderful....tells me he loves me...that I am his life...almost to the point that I have to wonder who he is trying to convince.

However, he never went NC...never remembers anything....and when the OW calls which she did just this last May....he does not tell her he loves me or that I am his life.....no....he tells her he thinks about her sometimes and misses the good times they had.

But when confronted he says he was just being nice and the worst part of all of that is that I could see him doing that because he is a nice person....or was before the A.

So I read on here daily hoping for some miraculous post that is going to help me to survive all this and be able to move on without the underlying hurt that I cannot seem to get away from.

I love reading the wonderful outcomes and the several year out updates....they make my day every time I read one.


M 25 years
BW Me - 50's
WH Him - 60's
OW 25 years younger
D-Days too numerous to mention last D-day being 12-2-11 *OW went on fishing trip 5-21-13*

"A relationship is only made for two, but some bitches don't know how to count"


Posts: 352 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Colorado
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

One of the keys, I believe, to processing through this is for both husband and wife to mature past the child-like emotional state that we are born with.

I am not here to run your fWS down. I am here to say that at 13 months out I have come to realize that I was that emotional child....even though I was 42. Not in every aspect of life...in fact, in just a few aspects. That is why it can be confusing. How can a man oversee a 2.2 million dollar budget, remain calm during major crisis at work, and then be so torn up about my wifes adultery? It is a question that has spurred an interesting journey in me....

Just because our bodies mature it does not mean our minds mature.

I have this theory that FOO issues effectively stop our emotional growth, in what ever area we developed those coping mechanisms, at the age in which they were set.

In my case my fear of abandonment was set at age 12...when my parents went from being married to divorced, and my Dad disappeared basically over night.

FOO issues or not....emotional maturity takes work. It doesn't just happen.

Much of this year has been dreadful....but each day is less dreadful now.

I am not sure if it is because the actual trauma of DD is further behind me OR that I am emotionally maturing. The facts of my marriage have not changed, but I see them in a different light now.

While my confidence is shaken on many levels....I am confident my reaction to my wifes A would be much different if it would happen tomorrow.

It is most likely a combination of both time and maturity.

Point is....it takes two mature people to process through this. If one refuses and continues to operate in a child-like state...I just don't see how that will work. That would be a parent-child relationship....not a marital relationship.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:54 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

You stated:
----Between him and his sister cutting me out of their side of the family as if I was the ne who destroyed this family....and my brother in law hitting on me and my niece's ninth birthday is tomorrow and I really miss my nieces but WH what grow a pair and tell them the truth -- that he had an affair and did all this.----

Why are you keeping your WH's dirty little secret? Why don't you disclose his affair to his family; so THEY KNOW he's the one causing the family discord and problems?

Is the brother-in-law who's hitting on you married to your WH's Sister?
--IF SO...Have you disclosed this BIL's disgusting behavior to your WH and to the BIL's wife?
IF NOT: WHY are you keeping this BIL's disgusting behavior a secret?

I don't understand why you're suffering in silence.

I'm sincerely sorry about your parents' health issues.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 5:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Hey Topper, you really have a lot to deal with right now. At the very least, your WH should be your support and your rock, even apart from the issues with the infidelity.

I had an aha moment in my previous marriage. When I had been let down yet again, and my mum had died and *he* was the one that had the nervous breakdown, I realised that the energy I had been spending trying to show him what a decent loving husband would do for a wife he loves could be spent taking care of myself.

I realised that the work and effort I was putting into the marriage was not returned, was not valued or appreciated. I realised that with one less burden - his emotions - I could walk through life a little easier.

Sure, I had to tell the kids and I had to find more work and renovate the house on my own and all of that. But I did it without constantly waiting for his reaction, or without him failing to see how fucking AWESOME I was, or without worrying how it would all affect him.

When I kicked him out, all the stress and anger and wasted energy was replaced with sadness, but a vitality I never knew before.

This man is dragging you down. If he cant work on that then you deserve much, much better.

Much love to you.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 24