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User Topic: Why do choose to stay with a cheater?
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

Nine years out now and I can finally see with a clear head. I see now that I should have left the marriage years ago. I don't say that for lack of the marriage not working out, or as best it can under the circumstances. (whore still lives 2 houses down) I say that because the work involved in keeping this marriage together has been extremely hard and frankly not worth the pot of gold at the end.

I absolutely think it should be law, that before any R, the cheater has to be thrown to the curb so that they can get a whiff of what they seemed to have wanted during the a, and it wasn't us. This is all my opinion mind you as I am sure there are many exceptions to that rule. My h wasn't one of them.

Had I thrown him to the curb if even for a few months I think his attitude of "so I got caught, now deal with the mess" would have been softened. I think then and only then would I have gotten the whole truth because of his fear of a D. And in my case anyway h never wanted a D. He wanted a wife who he knew took care of him plus an a partner on the side.

So to answer my own question, nine years out now and I honestly can't tell you why I stayed or stay at this point even though for the most part, all is calm these days.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:45 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2397 | Registered: Sep 2005
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

I'm only 6 months out. Lately things have been looking better. SAWH is in therapy and going to meetings. Has been more open about things, we're really talking again (hadn't in a looooong time), he seems to be making changes (long overdue ones) and realizing things about himself.

But I was just thinking this morning: I should have kicked him out in the middle of the night when he finally confessed to the A (2 weeks after I confronted him in the first place) and changed the locks (like I threatened to do one morning after he did not come home all night - and obviously now I know why!). And I should have shut down the A by telling her boss (H doesn't work there but is involved in the business tangentially). Would have shut down the whole operation of their A/secret world/aren't we so awesome for thinking we have everyone fooled. Obviously, the wife is always the last to know...I'm sure others already figured it out.

It's disheartening to hear that 9 years out you feel like this. I personally feel like I need to let go of this anger because if I carry it with me, I'm not going to be able to move forward (regardless of staying in marriage or not). So we will see!


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

Why do choose to stay with a cheater?

I think I stayed because I had hope, for his sake as well as mine and my daughter's, that his cheating would not define him but rather be an aberration in the life of a generally good person.

I don't think that there are any rules when it comes to this, as people vary so drastically.

Why stay with an addict? Why stay with someone with a personality disorder?

It's hard - it can be hell, but the best any of us can do is work on ourselves and try to be the best person/partner we can be. In the end, you don't HAVE to stay with anyone, and you don't have to answer to anyone as to why you did or didn't.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

The funny thing is, my marriage though under these circumstances is not really a bad or horrible marriage. It is a marriage just trying to survive as any marriage affair or not.

The problem is that now when I look back at all the mess he created and what the situation we now have to deal with (ow and family still within a stones throw from me) it just doesn't seem worth all the work and energy we both have had to put in. I still care through all this crap, but I just think it would have been so much easier to have taken a hike.


Posts: 2397 | Registered: Sep 2005
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Tickedoff, I feel the same way. My ws never had to face consequences other than find a diff way to communicate with ow, his life was not affected and he sleeps like a baby. I know the day I leave, I will kick myself in the ass for wasting so many years on someone who isn't it to win it. My guesstimation of the start of the A is right around 7 yrs ago, just took me awhile to confirm. Unfortunately when I do leave, he will prob offer to do anything to stay, just like last time but it will be too late for me. I wish I had rocked his world and made him leave on DD1 ,maybe things could have turned out differently

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:08 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4728 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
philly172
Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Ticked off.. I so agree with this..

I absolutely think it should be law, that before any R, the cheater has to be thrown to the curb so that they can get a whiff of what they seemed to have wanted during the a, and it wasn't us. This is all my opinion mind you as I am sure there are many exceptions to that rule. My h wasn't one of them
.

I think that's a big issue with me.. WH never felt the abandonment , the fear, the uncertainty that I felt.. He went right out of his A back into the M..

I do think he lives his own hell as he knows I no longer love him like I did .. but I think if he'd have felt no having 'anyone' he might have gone into R much more involved..


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
2oldforthis
Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Had I thrown him to the curb
if even for a few months I think his attitude of "so I got caught, now deal with the mess" would have been softened. I think then and only then would I have gotten the whole truth because of his fear of a D. And in my case anyway h never wanted a D.

I agree with this statement totally. I think for some that is the only way the person will get a reality check. I cleaned up my WS's mess. He took in the easy road when it came to R.

I regret what I did for him. Although I needed to do it for our family, not just him. He was incapable of doing it.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1633 | Registered: Jun 2008
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I absolutely think it should be law, that before any R, the cheater has to be thrown to the curb so that they can get a whiff of what they seemed to have wanted during the a, and it wasn't us. This is all my opinion mind you as I am sure there are many exceptions to that rule. My h wasn't one of them.

Hm.

While I respect your opinion and I am not sure my wife actually ever felt those things, that wasn't how I wanted it to go and if I went back I wouldn't want to do it that way again.

I think honestly making her feel those things to the degree I did would involve too many actions on my part that I would not be comfortable with making. As it was, the "This is how we can R, or this is how we can D" worked well for me.

We had a lot of issues early on but we were lucky to have SI from more or less the start, and she did not give me that attitude you described your WH as having. While there was a lot of TT, it did not involve a Fuck You kind of hurdle to deal with.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7364 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Because I knew my life would be better. I knew my marriage was over whether I stayed or went. I wasn't willing to live like I would have had to live if I left. I, fortunately, had that choice. If he had left, of course I would have managed, but should I choose that because he fuc*ed up? I don't think so.


Posts: 5610 | Registered: Jul 2002
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

TICKEDOFF, Gently, how come you haven't moved?


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I think a lot of people stay out of fear due to their own dysfunction or due to a warped perception of how one is supposed to function in a healthy relationship.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

"StillGoing"......post a h's attitude was very remorseful but only in the sense that he got caught and the fear of being shipped out of this house was very real. Many months later his attitude actually changed to "what the fuck did I do to get us into this mess." At that point he was telling all of our friends that I was probably going to D him and asking their advice on how to keep the marriage going. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that he did indeed develop the "Fuck You deal with this shit" attitude.

This is what I am talking about here. Like I said, we do have a decent marriage under the circumstances, but all in all it was just way to hard to get to this point.

And I so very much feel like what most of you have said. H just never had to face up to the music like I did. When he saw that I was going to stay and try to R, he slowly month by month just turned the music off and to this day refuses to listen to it anymore. The a incident is all but dead and gone for him but he forgets or wants to forget the hell he put both of us through. I do know that he regrets it completely and wishes things could be the way they were pre a, but that will never happen at this point.


Posts: 2397 | Registered: Sep 2005
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I also wanted to add that I think you have a different perspective in that the OW in your situation lives near you. That is something most of us do not face. You probably feel confronted by that on a daily basis which is what makes your situation that much harder.


Why didn't you guys move?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I guess that's the difference - 3 years later my wife is understanding, patient and available without being defensive about things. She is aware of the damage she caused and is sorry about causing that pain... at least, I get that feeling from her actions and attitude, anyway. I'm sorry your H has shut all that down. I can easily see how it is not a pleasant way to live.

eta:

If we get to where you guys are in a couple years, I dunno. Time to finally get around to taking up bow hunting for me then. I don't want to be in a place like that.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 1:54 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7364 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I'll tell you why I stayed with a cheater for close to two decades:

* I took my wedding vows very seriously. I really meant it when I said "for better or for worse" and "'til death do us part".
* I thought if I could just love him enough, or in the right way, he'd come around.
* I thought if I had just the right kind of sex, he'd come around.
* I thought I was doing my duty as a Christian wife.
* I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents.
* I didn't want to be a single mom.
* I didn't want to disappoint my parents.
* I didn't want to be divorced. I thought being divorced meant I'd "lost", that I'd given up, that I was a quitter.
* I didn't want to surrender what little control I had to protect my children from their SA father.

And here's the biggie, the one that brings me the most shame:

* I didn't want to leave for financial reasons. I knew that I couldn't make it on my own financially with three children. So I lived with feeling like a prostitute, which is how he treated me anyway.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

"womaninflux".......how did the kid song go - and bingo was his name-o.......

YUP that is EXACTLY why this nightmare continues. Just this morning as I was going off to the gym I saw the bitch in her driveway. And there my dear SI-ers is why some of us BS"s can and will never get over the whole fucked up mess that our spouses put us in. I am in that group of BS's that either live way too close to the op or have to work with the ap.

Should we move, well hell yes, and believe me now that h is retired he is doing everything in his power to get me to move away from the pile of shit he shoveled up. But it is simply not going to happen for a couple of reasons.

First is why the hell would I want to move away from everyone I know and love (family, friends, my awesome grandkids, etc.) and be stuck in a new place with just me and h. What if h decided that he should have another a with another new neighbor. Then I am fucked.

Secondly why would I want to move away from all my loved ones just to make it easier for his guilty feelings. Like my best friend always says....."when you are going to make a bad decision that will affect your entire life, make sure you exhaust all consequences to the very worst that could happen IF you make this decision." I say amen to that.


Posts: 2397 | Registered: Sep 2005
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I absolutely think it should be law, that before any R, the cheater has to be thrown to the curb so that they can get a whiff of what they seemed to have wanted during the a, and it wasn't us.

My FWH got to live this. He moved out of our home (4 bedroom) into OW's "home" (a camper parked in someone's driveway). They got to live in CLOSE quarters 24/7 for two months. He got a taste of life with OW, and the consequences of cheating. We were strictly NC the whole time, other than for FWH to pay his half of our bills.

I think it was what really woke him the fuck up. I don't think R would have been successful if he had not been able to feel the full extent of the consequences of his actions. He got to FEEL LOSS.

But I also know that everyone's situation is different. For some WS's, just being caught is humiliation enough. We cannot project our needs, and the needs of our WS's and our marriages, onto others and their choices.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

"Want2help"......EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY. I absolutely know that h would have told me the truth and that he would have had a whole different attitude then the "get over it" bull shit.

Sad as it sounds I have too many friends who have had to deal with infidelity and actually did kick their WS's to the curb. With the exception of one, the others are now going strong because the husband or wife WS finally got it. They got how it felt to be thrown to the wolves without any thought at all, how it felt to be abandoned like a piece of dog shit, how to felt to know that the one person who you thought loved you actually had second thoughts. You know, all the things that most of us feel when we have to deal with our spouse having an a.

Ha ha ha ha,,,,,,as I sit typing this, the whore and her h just drove up on his shitty loud old piece of shit Harley. So there you go.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 6:23 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2397 | Registered: Sep 2005
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Ugh, the idea of having to see the AP ever, let alone when I look out the window of my own home.


Hugs to you, TICKEDOFF.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Ticked Off, I completely agree. If I had kicked WH out on Dday, maybe there wouldn't have been a Dday 2 and a Dday 3. Why didn't I? Financial reasons, kids, and of course the hope that he would change. I still am afraid to do it, but know that any other lies, or contact with OW, will be the last time. My parents now know about the A (I didn't tell them until after Day 3), and call often offering support for whatever decision I make. Knowing that I will have help if I decide to divorce is huge, and gives me the strength to do it should the need arise.

I think a separation would have forced WH to really see what he would be missing. He didn't want to separate because he thought that I would realize I didn't need him anymore . . . And I'm sure he is right. And it probably would have hurt me less than going through two more Ddays.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

((((Ticked off)))), I'm 8 years out and often have many of the same thoughts as you do. I wish I had 'thrown him to the wolves' just like he did me and our three children. But I'm not hateful, cruel, and thoughtless like him. He went from the pitiful A right back into a "safe marriage". (His words.) Lucky him to be allowed back in. But two years with a demanding, controlling whore was more than he could take and he often 'thanks' me for taking him back.

But I believe he did suffer and still does, mentally, because he occassionally shows a conscience and no matter how much time passes, he will have to always live with what he did, R or not, he carries a sad burden, of course, all of his own making, so it should be.

I stayed because of my vows, our three children, and a (then) HB which I mistook for (my) love. It's been a long, long, tiring ride.

Luckily I don't live anywhere near the whore and I'm sorry you have to see that 'thing' daily, it must be a constant reminder of hell. That is the only thing I can think of that would have made me want to sell our home and move to a new place. But like you said, what if there too...now I don't worry about that, there won't be another chance. Ever.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9654 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I hesitate to say this, because I truly would not want to offend someone in R, but the further out I am, the more I think there is just no reason to stay that could be more overwhelming than the heinousness and ugliness of what they did. I just find it unforgivable and honestly, for me, any amount if work they did to get to the bottom of it would ever make it worth it to me. Granted, my husband is a major douche anyway, but then it seems like its not so far out if character for him to have an A. If he'd actually been a "good husband" maybe I'd feel different.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

This is the million dollar question for me and I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm not sure it's going to be worth the pot of gold in the end either. Right now it feels like fools gold.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Why didn't I throw him out?
Good question
What he deserved and expected
Because I was devastated enough and didn't see why I should have to face all the fallout with the kids. Because I didn't want him going to her
Because I'm insecure and stupid
Because I think he would self destruct

Anyway. Decision was made
Give me a couple of years and I will tell you if it was the right call


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Nature_Girl-Every single reason you listed is why I have a hard time letting go. Especially the financial one. Also, I took my vows very seriously. I waited 29 years to get married and I have such a hard time admitting after waiting all that time it couldn't even last one year. But then I think if we are already at this point, where he isn't getting the attention he needs, and seeking attention from other women then where are we going to be in 10 years from now? What will he do when things really slow down or we go through a rough patch as all marriages do? As far as I knew we were still "happy" and in the honeymoon phase but I was dead wrong.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

When I revealed the X's A to his sister & BIL, they offered me the opportunity to come stay with them incognito. In my BIL's words, I needed to 'tie a knot in his tail' and let him know what life would be like without me. The only problem was that I had a good job that I loved and would not have been able to leave temporarily--and I needed to work.

In the abstract, I think the idea was brilliant; I had not found SI at the time and knew nothing about the 180. The X was like your WH; he didn't want a D-he wanted a wife and a girlfriend. In the end, he made the decision for me because he wouldn't give her up. His compulsion to be part of the 'in crowd' was more important than our M. But I stayed WAY too long.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19795 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Thank you for this topic! This is perfect for me and I have got so much from the answers.

After trying for nearly a year I have decided to file for divorce. I've posted more fully on the divorce forum.

But at the heart of it is the fact that he lied and cheated until he was caught. I was crying and begging him to tell me what was wrong in our marriage but still he carried on. I just cannot get past that.

Now he says I am the most important thing in his life but really he is the most important thing in his life. I don't love or respect him any more. I feel weighed down and miserable. Even knowing I am making he call to the attorney tomorrow has given me a new energy.

There were just too many lies, to much betrayal.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Why did I stay? Because my WH confessed, went through a few days of indecision, and then ended the A and committed to R. Because my WH was always kind and affectionate to me, even throughout the A. Because he never blame shifted or impled that I was in any way responsible for his A. Because he changed jobs to be away from the AP. BecUse he's really, finally, ENGAGING in his IC and MC.

Because leaving him would not heal the big, gaping wound I have. I would feel terrible about it whether I stayed or left.

Because, honestly, we get along great and enjoy spending time together. Because my kids love him.

That's not to say that I don't sometimes look at him with anger and disgust, or that when I see him in his charming social mode I don't sometimes want to wallop him. But I do feel there's a good chance that we might be able to make something good of this.

Sometimes I do wonder how important fear is, of course. Divorce is a huge, disruptive step, and I am scared of it. And, let's face it... I'm 49. Not very likely I'd have another relationship (although, who knows?). Anyway, these thoughts certainly percolate in my mind and I discuss them with my IC. On balance, though, I think I'm driven more by hope than fear.


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
Katieisfree
Member
Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I stayed because I did not want the MOW to win. Now I feel she did because I have been so miserable. I have to take charge of my life and learn to do things for me.

I have a remorseful husband but one I will never trust.


DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

"Katieisfree".......Exactly. I too have a remorseful h (or somewhat anyway) but the trust and respect will NEVER be there again. Not ever.

Posts: 2397 | Registered: Sep 2005
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I stayed because my fWH was very remorseful and we both still loved each other. He has only cheated once and welcomed NC with OW wholeheartedly. He has been a good husband and father except for this so I sincerely felt he deserved a chance to redeem himself.

In our case I needed him to stay with me as much as possible so being forced to kick him out would have been terrible in my situation.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:55 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 484 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I'm still not sure if I'm staying or leaving but I'm leaning towards the latter. WH has had NO consequences other than the little time he spends at home is rocky. His work life is great, he's coaching my daughter's softball team and everyone thinks he's the BEES EFFING KNEES!! Like a SUPER EFFING HERO. He even gets to see OW every day at work and continue a friendship, as not to "raise any eyebrows" at work.

Sadly, he is pushing me off the fence and he will face his consequences, because I will be gone. Had I kicked him out on d-day (actually, I tried, he wouldn't go) and we separated for a few months I also agree DD2 and DD3 would not have happened, and his less than motivated attitude towards rolling up his sleeves to get to R would be quite different.

I HATE THIS.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Just have to say real quick, so glad to hear that they have a crappy harley!
At least there is that......!
I hear you loud and clear, I wonder too. It's just so exhausting and hard.
Staying by the family and grandkids is a big factor, they grow quick.
I am just sorry you have to see her sorry A$$ sometimes!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 25th (Friday)

* I didn't want to leave for financial reasons. I knew that I couldn't make it on my own financially with three children. So I lived with feeling like a prostitute, which is how he treated me anyway.

Repeat after me, NatureGirl:

"I am a Domestic Engineer."

Seriously.

No reason in the world to feel that way.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Hi, TICKED OFF, as you know 8 years out here as well.

A bit of what katieisfree said, but with my own twist.

I stayed because I did not want the MOW to win.

Bingo.


Now I feel she did because I have been suffering with severe PTSD, a living hell for 8+ years despite therapy, medication and EMDR.

Bingo.

I have tried to take charge of my life and learn to do things for me.

^^^Sometimes successful, many times not. Pretty much all PTSD related.


I have a VERY remorseful husband (who chose to TT me for YEARS). More concern about protecting himself than showing me I was worthy of the truth.

Bingo.

FINANCES
.

Bingo. I could have never lived a comfortable lifestyle being divorced. After 35 years of marriage, don't want to deal with financial struggles.

The children
.

Bingo.

I think part of my issue is that prior to his A, he was always #1, putting his own selfish needs above mine and the kids. The A was just another slap in the face.

I know WH would never, ever go down this path again. BUT...I have payed too high a price for not only his A, but the torture he put me through for several years. I personally believe had he told me the truth up front, PTSD would be a non-issue.

Had it not been for my children, I would have gotten out of dodge in a heartbeat.

I cannot fathom what you must feel like having to see OW almost daily. I don't blame you for not wanting to move away from your family and friends, they are the rock that gives you sanity.

((((TICKEDOFF))))

[This message edited by annb at 3:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I thought he was worth it on dday, 7 yrs ago, and I still think he is worth it. Not that R wasn't incredibly long and painful.

There are many here that believe the A ultimately improved their marriage, but I don't feel that way. It was a good marriage before and it's a good marriage now but not a better one. For every small thing that improved, more good was lost.

I got TT and a couple of broken NCs but I was afraid back then that if I kicked him out he would never return. And I still believe that. Not because I don't believe he would have regretted it but because he needed to see me fight for him. He at the time, in his irrational WW thinking, didn't think I loved him. Kicking him out would have validated that in his mind. By the time he would have realized the grass wasn't greener with OW I might not have been willing to take him back, due to pride. And that would have been unfortunate because we are good together.

I told him once, about 5 or 6 months in, in the height of my anger phase, that whether the marriage survived or not, that I was glad I'd not kicked him out, even if it was only to keep her from getting him. He replied back (with scornful venom, I might add), "Vengeful much?" Then I explained it wasn't because I had to win. It was because I loved him and despite what he had done, he deserved better than her. He didn't quite know how to respond to that.

He never wanted to lose me, even tho he stupidly risked doing just that. It took him a while to get over OW completely but not only did he, but he came to appreciate me more than ever. We don't talk about the A much anymore but it is there. He still sees my hurt and I still see his remorse. I feel it in the way he touches me now, almost with a reverence at times.

Our children were already grown when H's A took place. I had a job I loved and would have had decent enough financial stability, family, even friends.....I gave all that up to move and start a new life with my H, far, far away from the A. He is the one constant in my life that I cling to above all else.

I have had many doubts, but I have no regret. He is a flawed man, that is for certain, but I still love him and he has been very worth it. That's why I stay.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2007
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Why? for almost the same reasons that my cheater chose to work on himself and stay with me. I was lucky as that I didn't need to kick my XWH off the curb to learn the whole truth, he told me all in a span of a couple of weeks. I think the separation would've been more beneficial for me but would've been so damaging for him. Everyone is different, every couple is unique. We all have similarities but in the end to each their own.

I think to see the wayward's point of view, here's the reasons my xWH gave me as to why he's staying in the marriage. I asked him to write it then. It was a sort of guide for him whenever he's having a tough time. This feels very very intimate for me to share this but I thought it's worth doing it here for all of you.

1. You truely are my better half in all ways

2. I have loved you since the first time I told you so many years ago, that has never changed

3. With you I feel that many things are possible.

4. Without you I dont think I can succeed in life, yet alone live it.

5. You are the mother of our child

6. I need to have you in my life for me to prove to you that I am capable of finishing what I started.

7. I need to learn how to not be selfish and there is no one else I would rather learn that for than by practicing it with and on you.

8.We have had dreams since years before we married, I want to see all those dreams become reality.

9. My feeling of self is directly tied to this marriage union.

10. Who else is willing take care of me when I'm xxxxxx me?

We usually bring this both up during the early years of R. 6 years now and 1 more child later, we have a stronger marriage. It was worth the pain and suffering we both went through.

I just want to share this to let waywards and betrayed both know that it is possible to understand each other and have a good R so long as you're both willing to do the work.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Chandler
Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I ask myself this question on a regular basis. I am here because I cannot support myself and my son on my current income. I am trying like hell to change this. I have lived through too many D days and too many OC s. I am not proud that I am still here but it is what it is...I am also kicking myself for not doing things differently after the first time


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I chose not to stay with my cheater, and I have had 2nd, 3rd, and 4th thoughts about this.

I think some people stay because if they DO leave later, they want to know they did everything possible to save the M. The path of 'least regret'.

For me, I told STBX that the marriage we had is dead. If he wants me back, he's going to have to start from scratch and win me over. I'm not sure that'll ever happen, and I won't put my life on hold while he gets his act together. But I have learned to 'never say never', because I thought he'd 'never' cheat.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1540 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
hangingonin
Member
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I'm just over 3 years from dday 1 & I keep finding out about other women. I ask myself why - deep down I know it's over but im just worried about being lonely. I'm also concerned about the effect on my son (he has just started at university).

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
shatter-ed
Member
Member # 27159
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, October 25th (Friday)

After reading all the posts I was about to post my sitch then I read hangingonin and it made me think.

We had a blazing row tonight as I am really ready to give up, it was always a dealbreaker for me, the A, the TT, lying to my face but I stayed M for finances but mainly my kids, my eldest two were half way through GCSE's and A levels at the time and my D was only 9 and adored(s) her dad. The eldest has just finished uni and graduated with a '1st'. soo proud of him !! Would he have got that if he had the stress of us divorcing and subsequently living in poverty, we struggle to make ends meet on two wages as it is, I don't know but I think probably not. I wanted to stay to give the other two the same opportunity but I don't know if I have it in me to last that long
(((Tickedoff))) I still live in same street as MOW too
(((hangingonin)))


BS (me)
WH
3 amazing kids.
R - trying.
DDay - 06/11/09 MOW desperate fugly neighbor

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: uk
Topic Posts: 41