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Reconciliation
User Topic: I don't have a timeline. should I?
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I didn't have my husband do a timeline of his affair. He gave me one in a way but didn't write it down. Should I ask him to do this? I still have gaps.....


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

The timeline helped me immensely. It has helped countless others here as well. I think it's a really good idea, personally.

Posts: 6757 | Registered: Dec 2010
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

What do you ask for? A timeline of...when it started...the sex...when it stopped. I also want to know how many people knew about this. At least two of her kids and I think her husband figured it out


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

When it started and when it stopped are good places to start building the timeline from. Also, any other contact with the OW, particularly if the was an emotional aspect to the affair.

For me it was a bit tricky. My wife's affair spanned several years, and she obviously couldn't remember everything. She filled in as many details as she could remember, mostly by month/year. Locations, and frequency of encounters were also included. The level of detail that your husband includes should really be up to you.

As far as people who knew... that was a separate discussion for us. I think it was close to 20 people who knew over the years. Also included in the discussion was how to deal with all of these people in the future, i.e. if mutual friends knew, do we cut off friendship with them, etc.

Probably best to keep the timeline as a separate entity, in my opinion, but if it works out better to include it all in one doc, then I say go for it.


Posts: 6757 | Registered: Dec 2010
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

If I had known to ask for a timeline it would have helped both of us.

It would have helped me rebuild my own reality and helped him to see clearly what a horrible thing he chose to do and to face himself.

I instinctively knew that I had to recreate a timeline so I pieced bills, receipts, calendar memos and other things together to see clearly how he manipulated and lied his way through the A. I used a blank calendar and filled it with information. I didn't start until a few weeks after Dday when I started to recover from the trauma. I did ask him questions to help rebuild my sanity. He answered them the best he could but his memory for dates truly is terrible.


Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2011
kickboxer
Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I feel I'd be doing much better in our recovery if my WH would offer me a timeline.

When did he begin considering betrayal...when did it become something he knew he was going to do...when were the ONS...etc, etc, etc...


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I didn't get a written time line. Instead, I asked my WH to tell me the story of the A in MC. This was very helpful to my healing. I asked my questions throughout, and I specified what I wanted to know and how much detail. The MC was able to slow it down or redirect when it was becoming too much for either of us. This was indispensable. I did write it out in my journal with new pieces as they emerged.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 5:04 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I just asked WH about doing a timeline and he said he doesn't see how that would be helpful. He wants to know why a timeline is important and why it is helpful. Does it impede or further the healing process? These are questions from him that he seems concerned about.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Ona- i did something similar.
It was our turning point. Well, one of many to come. But I agree, it is a way for them to walk trough step by step and see what they really did. Not just saying in one sentence- I had an affair and I'm so sorry- but it walks them through step by step. Very painful for a remorseful WS and painful for the asking BS.
It broke through some Huge barriers for me. There was definitely an emotional aspect to my H's A and I was able to ask him questions about this as we discussed it from day one.
There may be a crash afterwards. I did- HARD. It's tough to take. But it led to so many more answers for me.
I dont know where we would be if we hadnt done that. This is so muh more complicated and layered than I ever realized. Talking is what helps us.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 9