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Reconciliation
User Topic: Did he really just say that? Really?
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

We're coming home from a fairly good dinner and a fairly good day and we are chatting a bit about the A, or the affects of the A and then I say something like: "It was like you had an entirely different life...an entirely different family."

He says: "Isn't that what an affair is supposed to be?"

Soooo....he knew what an affair was supposed to be and he knew he was having one. He knew, while he was in the midst of it he was having one and that this is what it was supposed to be. Seriously? He's always maintained he slept with her once in February of this year...yet the texting and phone calls and meeting in person continued long after that -- until I discovered it all Aug. 3. It even continued after I discovered the stuff he had sent to her from Amazon. He kept right on talking to her...he knew it was all coming down on him and he still never confessed he'd slept with her or had been meeting her in person.

I asked him tonight what he meant by that comment and he back tracked and said "Well, isn't that how everyone characterizes an affair?" And when I tried to talk to him more about it he said, "I"m not talking any..." and I shut down. Exactly what our MC told him not to do to me. I told him never mind...I'd find others I could talk to.

HE keeps saying "I'm here now...Didn't I go on trips with this family? Didn't I take this family places and do things with them?"

I said,"Yes, but you weren't there. You wern't really there"

This woman had four kids and he bought things for them and even paid bills. I don't know what the H thought about all of this at all....that's crazy to me. HE cheated on his wife, "my" OW in the past too.

My husband said tonight: "IT's not like I was playing house with her.."

WTF? Does he think before he opens his fucking mouth? Seriously???

I can't do this. I really can't. THis is all too hard. A divorce will be too...but with a divorce at least I can move on with my life in some way.... feel strong in some way. Because all I feel now is like a cat being swung by it's tail...completely helpless and alone ... with no one to really talk to. Because he doesn't really want to talk. He says he does, but he doesn't. He only wants to talk if I say I agree that he's been honest withme and told me everything, but I don't agree and that pisses him off.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Tired05
Member
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I'm right there with you.

WH is either not sharing, or he shares and what he says just emphasizes how he has no morals and makes me question whether he actually loves(d) me and my daughter in the first place. Or maybe he just doesn't know what love really is.

Not truly remorseful. Probably don't even see that they did something THAT bad, but they know that we think it is that bad. Then they act accordingly.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 6:28 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Oh my my my my.......the things that come out of their mouths are priceless. My question is......are YOU married to my h because that is exactly what he does. He will say (even to this day) something so incredibly stupid, get questioned about it by me, then TRY to backtrack by either saying he didn't mean it like it sounded or that he didn't remember saying it that way at all. Then if you push it, he shuts down completely because that is the easiest way to deal with the problem, to become defensive and say nothing about it at all.

So yes, I hear ya loud and clear. Oh, and "Tired"....yep same here. Has always said it really wasn't that bad of a thing what he did. Hum, I wonder if it would be if the roles were reversed and it was me who had been the WS. I wonder if R would have been in his vocabulary then.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 6:34 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I realize a lot of this didn't make sense...sorry...I was/am pretty upset right now. I did just have a talk with him and he gave me some good responses and information. He said again that he didn't mean it to come out that way.

I heard more about the PA. That was hard but . . . necessary. :(


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

TICKED OFF:
If we are married to the same man...God bless you and you deserve a drink today...tomorrow...and for the next six months, every single freaking day.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Well then "topper" I shall go make myself a margarita right now with your permission. In fact maybe two or three by the end of the evening.

And vice versa............


Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Oh man...
So are all these men learning this shit somewhere... Mine is the same.. He says something stupid... I say... Ok ok let's go over that again. Then he starts .. Why are you picking at my words. Dude!!!! WTF. you says shit and then tell me I am picking at your words... That is not what you meant... I know English isn't your first language but you are serving me bullshit whether it be English or Russian.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Roar! Now he is being all mopey and saying shit like "I'll just sleep downstairs" like he wants me to beg him to come to bed. Give me a freaking break! WHat a freaking baby! Doesn't care to give me a timeline, but wants me to coddle him like a damn baby.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
SpiderGrl
Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Hand him a pillow.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

"Spidergirl"......

Thing is, almost 10 years out now and I fully understand now all the games that are played to make them look like the victim. This is just one on the very long list." Let's make topper feel badly enough so that I get out of the hole I dug once again and maybe we can R without any more questions."

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:11 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

It's noon here, Can I start drinking with all of you?

Sometimes it's hard to believe the stupid stuff they say... sigh...

It's five o'clock somewhere...


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 654 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

"StillStanding"..........Hell yes, start drinking right now. Who gives a shit what time it is. I just went yesterday to have my hair done at 11 am. They offered me some wine and I took it.

Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Topperoff22,

You stated,

He's always maintained he slept with her once in February of this year...yet the texting and phone calls and meeting in person continued long after that -- until I discovered it all Aug. 3.

Can I ask:
Do you seriously believe this...that your WH only slept with this OW once...YET, he continued to see her...continued the gift-buying...Contact...Even after you discovered it all?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

"DaretoTrust".........I think what is happening here is that "topper" might be going through what many of us deal with. What I mean by that is the actual believing as opposed to wanting to believe the ws. An example would be when h told me he just fingered her a couple of times. I so wanted to believe that this was all they did but I knew in my heart it was much much more. I remember telling one of my good friends that it was all that happened between h and his ap. She looked at me and laughed and told me that IF I needed to believe that then go for it, but that deep down I MUST know it is a lie."

I am in complete agreement with you on this now, but even up to a couple of years after d-day, I chose NOT to believe what I really knew had happened. I chose to believe all the crap lies h was feeding me even while we were supposedly trying our best to R.

Almost 10 years out now and frankly I don't give a damn if it was the truth or lies at this point because I know I will never really get the truth.


Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 14