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Reconciliation
User Topic: why doesn't get boundary issues?
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

on his phone from a business contact there are these texts:

H:I love you
her: i love you too xoxo
H: just wanted you to know I truly love you
her: lots of love always:)
H: i really really love you with all my heart
her: i love you also

and this continues in texts for a few more responses...

now, i know they are platonic friends but he doesn't get it. this contact has helped get him a job 2x before--she is in the headhunter type business. i said before to him about 2 months ago that this banter isn't appropriate with any woman when he was all i love you with her before....friend or not, it bothers me--which is more important.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

Let me guess, it goes on to say he really really loves her with all of his heart with sugar on top?

I'm sorry, but really? My best friend and I have been friends for 30 years and we've never had a conversation like that. Sounds more like a lovestruck 12 year old. Platonic or not that's just over the top ridiculous. He knows it's inappropriate. How could he not? He knows it bothers you. He just doesn't care it does. Otherwise, he'd stop.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:16 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 13356 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

....that conversation is one giant red flag. And also...are they in 6th grade? I was halfway expecting this exchange to be followed up with "You hang up first!" "No, you hang up first!"


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1611 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

exactly what kind of "Jobs" does it help him get?


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I tried having a long talk with him about it all--but he doesn't get what I am saying at all. He just keeps saying that ohhh she is just a friend. He said, "I feel we should tell people that they are loved. they mean something to me. I even tell my guy friends i love you."

Ok maybe he does--but surely they don't text back xoxox!!

He doesn't understand why this is inappropriate. Clueless! And this is why \I now have trust issues.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

I am sorry for this new pain.

This is very odd behavior. I have been in the professional world for 20 years....never found anything remotely like this in any of my correspondence.

Not Just Friends....a great read. I believe you guys have read this.

The whole platonic friend thing is an issue for me now. My wife was just friends with her AP. I never met him, she never mentioned him to me. Have you met this woman, husband relay any stories about their interactions?

I am of the frame of mind that a man and a woman who are not married can not have a platonic, stand alone friendship.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:40 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 5th (Saturday)

i do not think men and women can be friends either. not friends in the sense they text message or go out to a bar etc...

i told him if he wants a better job that this is not the way to go about it. It is VERY unprofessional. Its laughable.

ohhh but she respects my marriage! ? HA! anyone that respects anyone's marriage does not xoxox them.

they have known each other for over 10+ years. She has gotten him 2 very good very professional jobs in the past...but she is not married. They arranged to meet once for dinner right after I had one of my babies about 5 years ago--so conviently I didn't come. There were other people at the meeting/dinner as well and everyone said--you're wife just had a baby, go home to her--but he didn't...

whatever--that was in the past I guess--but the main issue is that he doesn't grasp what is appropriate conversations with women and 2. doesn't care that I asked him to never say to any woman that he loved them since it takes away from the meaning of his words to me.

but why do I feel like a big meanie?


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

This is very interesting to me. I absolutely wouldn't want my fwh talking like this to another woman but I have a colleague I do this with. It started after I had surgery and in my post op drugged out state I sent 2 texts - "I'm through the op and all well" to close friends and my close colleagues and "I'm through the op. All well. I love you" to fwh and my parents. I said my colleague N the wrong text. Ever since then we've been bantering with "gorgeous" "love you" etc. we don't text apart from re work stuff. He knows I'm going through a rough time at the moment but not why. He hugged me the other day. He's married. Happily as far as I know. But if I expect fwh to behave in a certain way then I need to look at my boundaries too. For years before the A fwh and I have not been what we should have been to each other in terms of emotional support. Part of our new marriage post A needs that to change for us both

In your case ionlytalked he needs the penny to drop. This isn't on because what you say goes. You wouldn't do something he specifically was uncomfortable with. That has to work both ways. Good luck


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Im calling bullshit. He knows this is inappropriate. Of course it is. He is telling another woman he loves her..he truly loves her. BULLSHIT.

Gently..why do you say you "know" that are platonic friends?

I think there is more going on here. Or there has been something in the past between them. Or he is fishing to see how she will respond. And,clearly, she is receptive to his adoration.

This woman is NO friend of your marriage.

Your husband is playing stupid. he knows this isn't ok..but as long as he plays dumb,he can continue this behavior...unless you put an end to it.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6655 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

This is inappropriate...I would kick his ass to the curb. Sorry to say this but he is full of Bullshit.
No normal person talks to a friend same or different sex like this..
RUN!!!

[This message edited by Dreamland at 10:58 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 10