during the A, it was like I didn't even exist. It makes me want to put my fist through a window. I knew we were having a hard time but I had NO clue he wasn't really thinking about me at all. I was worried about him being overwhelmed (6 mos old baby during cold/flu season) and he couldn't have cared less if I were breathing.
Totally get this....I had no clue my wife was capable of committing adultery. I knew we had marital issues....thought it was my anxiety so I found a counselor and we attended sessions together. I would have sworn my wife was there for me. She would sit there next to me and put on one hell of an act.
Turns out her affair was in full swing...texting and meeting him on days of my counseling sessions...am sure that played into my heightened sense of anxiety, but since I never thought it an option, I never suspected it.
My wife would drop our girls off at school, her AP would drop his 5 kids off at school...and then they would hook up. I also get the whole not thinking about anything but themselves.
She had sex with both of us during the same week...the affair was exposed then, we were in weekly MC sessions, I foolishly thought her affair was dead. Afterall, her AP texted me and told me he was sorry.
It is so true that a BS could not have done anything to prevent a WS from having an affair....and a BS has no control over ending it. One can only really control themselves. It hurts like nothing else to know our spouses actively chose to commit adultery.
Is it any wonder many BS are either diagnosed with PTSD or symptoms of PTSD? It is written this is the most destructively painful experience one human can put another through.
You are 3 months in...you are right on schedule. It took me 3 months of regular IC sessions to get in touch with my anger and hurt. Mind movies were running almost non-stop, my wife was trickle truthing and broke NC about this same time too....hopefully your fWS is avoiding this insult to injury.
How do you stop this????
The four letter word....T I M E. Time PLUS feeling. You must find ways to feel this pain, lean into it...that is how you will heal. Time alone wont heal this. I have FOO issues that are 3 decades old...I am just now processing through them, because just this year I became aware of them and how they have been in-play without me really knowing they were.
Regular sleep is a MUST. I use over the counter stuff.
You didn't mention this...but, if you are like me, you are probably feeling a bit put out that you have to feel this pain while keeping other aspects of your life at least breathing. Afterall you have a job to keep up and other non-marriage related obligations to tend to.
Is it any wonder fWS choose adultery over really working on issues within their marriages?
Speaking of that...You may enter a phase where you are considering an affair of your own...to escape, to get back at your husband, etc...just be mindful.
For me this was a particularly vulnerable phase...it started at a time my wife was not really over her AP yet...so I had thoughts like........dang, adultery must be fun, look how even when it is exposed and my wife is looking at destroying our family she still thinks fondly of her experience.
Detaching helped me get through that phase....turning my focus on me....seeing my strengths and weaknesss.
Too long of a response to you I know....I just feel your pain. It DOES get better....stay with the pain as long as you think you can, then sit with it a bit longer.
Exercise helped me. Reading lots of books on infidelity helped too...especially those filled with case studies. It helped me normalize my experience....not minimize it...normalize it. I came to realize this is serious trauma.....and that others have experienced this....and that our fWS decisions have nothing to do with us.
Peace be with you.