Just Found Out
User Topic: Struggling, wedding anniversary next week
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

So down today. Today is exactly two months from Dday. In 3 days it will be our 14 th wedding anniversary. I am struggling so much, thinking about it. I wish I could go to sleep the day before our anniversary, and wake up the day after, just skip it altogether. It should be such a happy day, a loving day, a recommitment. We used to relight our wedding ceremony unity candle every year on our anniversary and talk about where we've been, where we are heading. It hurts to think about it.

I feel so sad and lost. WH wants to celebrate that we are still " together." ha. At least I am scheduled to see my IC that day.

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

It is very understandable that you would want your wedding anniversary to go unnoticed.

You need to do what you feel is right for you. To celebrate it when you really do not want to could stir up even more resentment and anger. It may be best to agree to let the day pass as you do your best to just get through it.

Honestly, I never feel much like celebrating our wedding anniversary. At least now when that day arrives I am not feeling the intense anger or hurt. I am thankful for that.

Sorry for your sadness. {{{iwillNOT}}}

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, October 6th (Sunday)


Ours is next week and although we are doing very well I wish I could just skip the day. I don't want to hear happy anniversary from friends/family or celebrate.

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 33887
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Mine is today. So I get it. Lucky 13. Ugh. Fortunately (I guess) that it's also my birthday so I'm concentrating on that instead. Just breathe and communicate. It's perfectly ok if you don't want to acknowledge the day. (((iwillNOT)))

Me: 37 yo, him 36
Married 14 years together 18
3 kids: DD10, DD7, DS4
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

Posts: 303 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: East Coast
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

RidingHealingRd, thank you. I think I will try to do nice things for ME that day, whatever I want at that time. I told my WH not to make any gestures.

Princess Peach, I hope you get through your day ok. I know what you mean about not wanting to hear the " happy anniversary" wishes.

(((childofcheater))). Happy Birthday to you, now that IS something worth celebrating!

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Indeed treat it as a day for you and give it a miss celebrating anything to do with you as a couple - if it doesn't feel like a celebration (which it clearly won't...) don't fake it for H...I have been struggling as my H and I are in very different head spaces on D-day - he treats it as the day his life became clearer and he (or rather OW for him by telling me!) made a choice and he finally realized it was me he loved all along (whoppee how exciting for me - took you 19 months to figure out the woman you've been betraying and treating like garbage is actually the one you should be valuing an cherishing like you promised!!). He came home with wildly inappropriate long stem roses, champagne and oysters (oysters and red roses went into the bin and the champagne we see each time we look into the fridge....). Luckily our anniversary is many months off so if we do stay together I'll see how I feel about H has a big birthday coming up and pre-D-day I had planned to take him on a special trip away- romance, great food and beautiful countryside included. Now he'll be getting no fuss, a present of something with his son on it and maybe a sweater....and he should feel lucky to get even that...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Mjane, are you saying truly that on Dday your husband brought you these gifts because he was celebrating that he had made the choice to stay with you? I really wanted to read that story but you don't have a story posted on your profile. You mentioned your WH's birthday, my WH's was about a month after Dday. He got pictures from the kids, that's it. I wasn't about to put on a fake celebration face and do ANYTHING for him. Much less on our wedding anniversary, after what he did...

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Anniversaries are the worst.

My fWW started her PA the day after our 15th anniversary.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 485 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

My wedding anniversary this year was a small affair. we had this ritual where every year I would get a new opal charm to put on a necklace. We didn't do it that year because I felt it was pointless

However today is my one year proper anti-versary and I have to say next year I will want to celebrate it minus the opal

To be completely honest though I would recommend doing something small. Perhaps going out for a drink. That's all I did, but that's a very personal decision.

We went to the park and had this really yummy cider drink but it wasn't so much a happy affair, more reflective about what we wanted for the future.

Either way it is hard, and no-one could possibly blame you for not wanting to remember the day in any way.

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Hi Iwillnot - H waited until day after Dday with the Dday involved OW breaking news at 1am on my doorstep no flower shops were open then ...been a very crazy month as H seems to be a new man (still hasn't been to IC as he is on a list) - but for him it is like a weight lifted, I actually hear him whistling when I am upstairs and he has started reconnecting with friends he dropped during the A and planning a new business...I have never seen him more driven. It scares me because at the same time I think about how 19 months of a double-life were possible, particularly as he started the A when I was heavily pregnant. He says that he was desperately unhappy for over a year and he could never leave me yet the reality is that he was unable to make any decision until OW forced his hand (she was pretty sure that would end in him leaving me as he had promised it to her on different occasions). I think he really needs to speak to someone on how he deals with things. I think the photo gifts will be all he gets this year and for good reason - thoughts are with you!!

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Mine was last month. Originally we were going to go out of town, however as the day approached I fell into a more depressed state and indicated I did not want to do anything. WW understood. This was a difficult decision as we wasted so many yearly celebrations just floating through life, that I really don't want to waste others - however at the same time my head and heart are not ready to.

I will say on the day (Saturday) she posted on social media how her kids and me were her greatest things in life and how she had made some big mistakes (no one knows) and was working hard to fix them. I actually thought that was a huge thing to do!

My Cousin responded that birthdays come every year regardless, however anniversaries were earned.

So it's your call on how the day should be spend.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Want To Wake Up
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

iwillNOT our wedding anniversary is tomorrow (32 years) we are over 3 & 1/2 years post DDay and have not 'celebrated' our wedding anniversary since, won't this year either.

The 'celebration' factor has gone from this date for me, perhaps forever, who knows. In my mind WH broke the vows that made that day 'worthy' of celebration, it means nothing to me now... just as the vows he made that day meant nothing to him for a time. Heck, once we passed the 10year mark, I used to 'brag' every time our wedding anniversary came around, feeling a sense of 'pride' that we had achieved another year when so many marriages were falling apart... more fool me. They do say "pride goeth before a fall"... did it have to be such a huge fall?

It probably doesn't help that for years WH "forgot" our anniversary and let the day pass without even a mention (even though I purposely chose a date that would be easy to remember... 10/10) He did nothing to make the day 'special'.... his wanting to do that now feels... false... I'll wait until it feels authentic.

I understand my WH may want to now 'celebrate' that day (he may see it as a way of showing me remorse)... I am afraid he is going to have to wait until I feel the same way.

I truly hope that one day I will feel differently, for now it just sucks. All I can say is with regards to wedding anniversaries post DDay, do what feels right for you at the time, if a WS doesn't like that I have but one word (harsh though it may seem)... consequences.


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)
"Adultery is not a symptom of a struggling marriage....a struggling marriage is a result of a person who can chose adultery."- saw this on SI

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

On our anniversary this year (about 6 months after dday), I really couldn't care less about celebrating. I made a point of doing what I could to make it a nice day, and we did have a good time together, but I'd be lying if I said my heart was truly in it. A week or two later I told WW that I wanted us to have a good time, and I was glad we did, but inside I was completely apathetic about it. She was shocked that I felt that way. Sometimes I think she really doesn't get how much this has affected me.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10

Posts: 287 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

You guys are wonderful, thanks so much for all your advice and support. I just wanted to update that it was not great, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. WH took all the kids on a day trip. I had an IC session, then went shopping and had lunch. Took a long quiet drive and came home to hang out with the kids. WH made dinner and got flowers, the dinner was nice but I asked him not to celebrate it. I did not really enjoy the flowers or the happy anniversary he said to me. However, I think after the calm day doing what I felt like doing and taking care of me, I was able to handle it without going off the edge into trigger land. All in all, it was OK. Without your input I am sure I would have muddled through a lot more painfully.

I hope someone else reads and benefits from this thread. Thanks guys, you are all so helpful.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 6:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Glad it wasn't as bad as you thought, iwillNOT.

Our 33rd anniversary is coming up this December. I plan to avoid mention of it, and will tell WH to not mention it, and don't plan anything or give me anything, because he's lost that privilege. It's nothing to celebrate in light of his behavior and betrayal.

I can relate to MJane's words here, except for me, the A was 7 years long, and it would have continued if I hadn't found out by accident:

took you 19 months to figure out the woman you've been betraying and treating like garbage is actually the one you should be valuing an cherishing like you promised!

His birthday was last month (BEFORE DDay#2!!) and I told him "Don't expect anything for your birthday." Had I known the truth back in Feb, the whole truth, he would have been kicked to the curb and his birthday would be moot. It's unlikely that his LTA prostitute harlot would have taken him in.

I cannot EVER see me having a renewal of vows or a recommitment ceremony or anything like that with WH. Right now, the damage to me is too deep and irreversible. If I had a unity candle, I know right where I'd like to stick it.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 12:50 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

My D-Day was 3 days after our 15th wedding anniversary. The A season is next month (a date I wouldn't know except he used it as the stupid passcode on his phone). We are taking the kids somewhere fun on that date next month, because it is going to suck for me knowing what he was doing a year ago; but I have NO PLANS to have anymore anniversary celebrations.

I do like the idea of having the day to myself and doing things for ME! I may have to copy you, iwillNOT.

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Our first anniversary after XPervert left was last year.

I didn't know the truth of why he was not home and he was apparently sitting on the fence still.

So FWIW, here is what we did.

He came to the house and we did family things-it was summer so played outside with DD and went for a walk with her. In this way we could see each other but not get into heavy talk.

I made snacks and drinks and we had them outside, which made it casual, no meal or fancy clothes or fancy food.

We didn't do presents or cards, which made me cry, but the fact that he came was I said, this was while he was still tricking me.

Another year has gone by and a second anniversary came, only this one had me knowing the truth.

This time I had my bout of tears and then when DD went to a friend's house, I called a very old friend from growing up, prior to knowing him, and we went to dinner. We didn't talk about him or the M, but old friends, high school style memories and laughed like imbeciles.

This is one of the few people in the world I have ever belly laughed with and so it was kind of neat because when I got home and XPervert was there with DD, I had smiles and was snickering while he was melancholy and snarly.

I made a promise then and there to do that every anniversary that I could. In that way, too, the day was about something else and when the next week came, I could reflect on my fun visit.

I wish you luck. Truly, it helped not to just sit home.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Our wedding anniversary is in a few months. If I don't feel like celebrating then I plan to let my fWH know. His last meeting with OW was 3days after that so I'm unsure how I will be feeling at that time.

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 18