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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I can't believe I'm here but I need to be...
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I was so committed to reconciliation. I've been off the site for a few months working on it but I have reached the realization that I need a divorce and I have told my WH.

I don't love or respect him
I am on 3 different anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications
My heart sinks when he comes home
My life feels as though it is on hold while I live a lie
I can't imagine trusting anyone
I am sure there is more but he will never tell me everything

Last week I found a note from 2011 written by a third woman. I know her but have never suspected a third woman. When I read it I knew in my heart this was the end.

My husband's argument is that it was all in the past and he is being good now and has no intention of cheating again which I actually believe. He says me and our daughter are all he cares about.

But I can't carry on. Has anyone else experienced this? He didn't end the affair until he was caught. I was going crazy and still he carried on and lied and lied. I just don't know this man I am married to. Everything he promised before we got married was a lie.

I just want out. Even making the decision feels like a weight has lifted. I am calling an attorney tomorrow.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 7:05 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 6th (Sunday)


I don't love or respect him
I am on 3 different anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications
My heart sinks when he comes home
My life feels as though it is on hold while I live a lie
I can't imagine trusting anyone
I am sure there is more but he will never tell me everything

...oh, there's more.

I can't imagine dealing with multiple affairs, hidden affairs after agreeing to fully disclose, false R.

You need to be whole for your children, not dismissed and weakened by your spouse.

You deserve (and your children deserve) an honest life. Good luck.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Jemimapd, if you are done, you are done. He has given you more than enough reason to be done, and it sounds like what you do know is just the tip of the iceberg.

See the lawyer and look after you this next week. Drink water, make sure you eat something. Don't tell him you are seeing the lawyer, but if he does find out, and starts to blame you for ruining the family, just remember, it isn't you, it was him with his past actions.


BS(me) 46, kids DS 17, DD 14.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5225 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

((((jemimapd)))) Sending you strength for this part of your journey, honey.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22672 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

It's ok for you to be done. Regardless of what he is doing NOW, an affair is the dealbreaker for some. The continued findings with him not telling you everything are the lies that can kill a relationship.

((hugs))


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I am having lunch in a cafe right now, when I go home he will start trying to persuade me out of it again. I feel my head is going to explode when he does that.

Thank you for the responses. Part of me feels guilty, as though I should forgive him for the past. Crazy I know.

Thank you also for saying its OK for me to be done. I am done.

I am so afraid: of the impact on my daughter who is 6, of the truth coming out, of the future....


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Jemima that is the same point I found myself just over a month ago. I wanted R, and had been putting myself through so much to get there. I thought WH "got it". But four months in he was still lying and it was like in a matter of minutes something inside me just died. I had the clarity. It was over. Even so, it took a week or two to accept it. You are so right, it is an agonizing reality but at the same time a huge weight has lifted. Limbo is a heavy, heavy burden. Now you can truly begin to heal without wondering when there will be more disclosures, more pain, more lies.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.


Posts: 553 | Registered: May 2013 | From: A state of overwhelmed
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

(((jemima)))

I hope that you have a good IC or are able to heal through reading, journaling, introspection, etc.

The impact to your daughter was made when he made the decision to cheat. It has nothing to do with you. And, they often say that it's better to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home.

By leaving your husband, you are teaching her to have self-respect, to stand up for herself, to expect more than a loveless marriage. Children pick up on way more than we like to believe, and if you really no longer neither love nor respect him, the last thing you want is for her to think that's normal and settle for that kind of relationship once she's an adult.

You now have time to heal, to create a new, wonderful life for yourself. And, in time, to find a guy that treats you right and provides her with an example of how adults should treat each other.

You will get through this. None of us wanted to divorce. I know it's so, so painful right now, but things will get better. Promise.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Part of me feels guilty, as though I should forgive him for the past. Crazy I know.

No. Not crazy.

There may come a day when you are able to forgive him. But you know what? Forgiving someone doesn't mean that there aren't still consequences. I've forgiven my grandfather for molesting me. There are still consequences. I'm working on forgiving my STBX for the incredible destruction he's rained down on me & the children. There are still consequences.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean they still get to have a place in your life.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

You guys are amazing. He has just been in here putting more pressure on me. And I said to him, it is a consequence. You risked your marriage when you slept with someone else for 18 months. It is a consequence.

I have really tried so hard but it is not fixable. It is just too much.

Now I'm worried he is going to draw things out for as long as possible. He is still trying to stop me telling anyone.

I have a splitting headache


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Oh, his quote of the night....

"I can't believe you are giving up. You've never really tried...."


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
abigailadams
Member
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

All I can say is
Anthony Weiner.

He lost his congressional seat because of sexting. he somehow recovered his career and he got caught sexting again as he was running for mayor of NYC. Watching his wife at the press conference made me realize I could never take my stbx back not that he wants to come back.

Your husband has had multiple affairs. Divorce him. Unless he is doing major work on himself, he is likely to do it again.


Me BS 54
Him WS 51
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

He is still trying to stop me telling anyone.

He is still only thinking about himself.


BS / D

Posts: 785 | Registered: Jun 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, October 7th (Monday)

"I can't believe you are giving up. You've never really tried...."

I got the same line. The begging, the pleading, the tears are all because they don't want things to change.

I posted the Final S exchange a few months ago. I was where you are now last July - second guessing myself, beating myself up because my 'ego' meant I was ripping my family apart.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500928&HL=35229

A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. This wasn't my ego - it was my heart, my trust. The lies beyond DD, the lack of full disclosure and the fact that he thought I should trust and believe him because he was good and just not going to cheat again did zero to make me feel safe.

2 days after this email exchange he stayed out all night. 20 weeks after this email exchange he told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher to my then almost 4 and just 2 year olds as his GF. OWUmpteen. It had been going on for years - I never suspected her because I trusted her taste, not because I trusted his fidelity.

A word of warning - he went feral when he realised I was serious. Get soft copies of every single important document in your home - talk to an L about next steps.

The sad clown set out to systematically destroy me whichever way he could. Financially by re-negging on every single agreement we made and emotionally by pulling out every dirty trick he could.

I was hurting too much to put up a fight so he was able to paint me into a corner. I honoured every agreement we made only to have him turn around and use it against me.

Talk to an L, get your ducks in a line, find out what the reality of your situation will be going forward then act hard and fast before he knows what hit him.

I always knew he was capable of cheating but I NEVER expected the betrayals beyond infidelity. Never. I never expected he would leave me destitute and fuck up my financial future. He did. Repeatedly.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4561 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)

The lies beyond DD, the lack of full disclosure and the fact that he thought I should trust and believe him because he was good and just not going to cheat again did zero to make me feel safe.

That is it in a nutshell.

Now, the lack of full disclosure is immaterial because I know in my heart there is more but he will never tell me so that is that.

Can someone tell me why he is so fixated on me not telling people. It might be blindingly obvious but I'm missing it...

I am getting my ducks in a row.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 7th (Monday)

^^Because it would smash his mask to smithereens.

In his mind he is a good guy. Compartmentalisation allows him to continue to think he is a good guy even when he is cheating on you.

I suggest you read about Regret vs Remorse in the healing library.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp#FAQ10


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4561 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 7th (Monday)

My husband's argument is that it was all in the past and he is being good now and has no intention of cheating again which I actually believe. He says me and our daughter are all he cares about.

That wouldn't be enough for me either. My guess is he never "intended" to have an A to begin with. It happened because of issues he's never faced. And now you find more women that you didn't know about? To me that says he has still not faced those issues and I would not be so willing to believe that it won't happen again.

You get to decide when you're done and it sounds like you have plenty of reason to be. Don't torture yourself by hanging in when you are not in it. Before anything else you owe it to yourself to be true to yourself. You are strong and you will get through this. (((Jem)))


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Feb 2011
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Well last night I drove to the city and took my 22 year old son out to dinner to tell him. I was so nervous. In the end I just came out and began by saying that I was divorcing his stepfather. Then I told him the reason. He was very shocked, said that he thought WH was too boring to have an affair! I didn't go into gruesome details but I did tell him the length and numbers of the affairs and how I got my evidence so he was in no doubt.

Fear vs reality: he was amazing. Cool, calm, collected. Told me he would help out more with my daughter who is 6 and said I could stay with him if I needed to (which I would not, he needs his own life). Told me it would all be fine.

I cannot tell you how much this thread is helping me. Phrases from it keep popping into my mind.

Most of all, I am allowed to leave. It is a deal breaker. I have felt obliged to reconcile but not any more.

Keeping this secret, living this lie, has sucked the energy and purpose out of me and now it feels as though the spell has been broken and I feel alive again.

I also spoke to my attorney last night and everything he told me made me feel reassured.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Update: I wrote that last update before he got up. He is sleeping on the couch in the basement.

Every conversation begins the same way.

"Jemima, I don't want to change your mind but...."

Followed by some f...ing lame suggestion or prediction of how awful my life will be if I divorce him. He's just left and after ten minutes of this I feel like I'm on the verge of a heart attack. Him pressurizing me is so stressful it's untrue.

I told him I wanted to draw up a separation agreement and that I had told my son and spoken to my attorney. That seemd to take the wind out of his sails.

I'm wondering if the best thing is for me to frame something and let him read it rather than trying to talk to him which will just turn into his drama and wailing.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I'm wondering if the best thing is for me to frame something and let him read it rather than trying to talk to him which will just turn into his drama and wailing.

Unless he suffers from mental retardation, it's not that he doesn't understand what you're saying to him. Therefore, writing something out won't help. It will just be an exercise in frustration for you, and possibly give him more ammunition.

You've made your decision. You've consulted with a lawyer. Go as NC as possible -- it's what will help you to gather and maintain your strength, and what will begin your healing.

If you do talk to him, remember the acronym JADE. Never Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. I've copied and pasted below a great definition of it that I took from another forum years ago:

To JADE is to Justify, Argue (and/or Apologize), Defend, and Explain. You never, ever, EVER want to JADE. JADEing is self-defeating behavior, because it allows the toxic individuals in your life an "in" to beating you into submission. To JADE is to hand over your power to someone else.

By "justifying" your decisions, you hand over your power by giving the other party the right to judge you. Nobody has the right to judge you for your needs.

By "arguing" with the other party, you hand over your power by making their desire to argue with you legitimate. Your needs aren't going to change no matter how much someone argues with you about them.

By "apologizing" to the other party, you hand over your power by admitting you're doing something wrong. You have every right to protect yourself and make sure your own needs are met.

By "defending" your position, you hand over your power by making the other party an authority figure. You're an adult, and fully capable of deciding what you do with your life. Nobody else has a right to tell you how to live.

By "explaining" the reasons for your boundaries, you hand over your power by giving the other party a chance to nullify your own experience. Your experience is your own. It is precious. Nobody else can know whether it's true or not.

I know it can be really really hard to learn new responses to situations, especially situations people have spent years grooming you to react to in specific ways. Fortunately, the script for avoiding a JADE moment is both brief and adaptable. It's something Nancy Regan taught us decades ago: JUST SAY NO!

"No, that won't work for me."
"No, I can't do that."
"No, thank you."

"No" is a complete sentence.

And when the "but whyyyyyyyyy?"s start, break all the grammatical rules with another one-word answer: "Because."

"Because that won't work for me."
"Because I can't do that."
"Because I said no."

The third and final step is the really brilliant one. Change the subject.

"No, I told you I won't be doing that. So how's the weather been where you are? Are the azaleas blooming yet?"

Now, there is a difference between JADEing to toxic people who don't have your best interests at heart, and exploring your own reasoning and reactions with people who are trying to help. You have to learn where that line is for yourself, from situation to situation. It takes practice--and that's okay. If you keep at it, it will become second nature, and you'll find your life is a great deal simpler.

You will get through this. He'll try all sorts of tricks to keep the status quo. You need to realize that and thwart it in order to reclaim your happiness and life!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Phmh, that is very helpful. I do end up explaining myself and why the hell should I?

I read your profile and there are many similarities in my story, not least the huge financial impact he has had on me. He is currently broke, as usual, but this time I am not bailing him out. I have kept this secret for years and only yesterday did I sit down with a lawyer friend and tell the whole truth.

I also spoke to my attorney and I am in the best shape I can be in that respect.

He is selectively mentally retarded, by the way. He always claims that he can't remember phone numbers, for example.I have lost count of the number of times he has called me asking me to look up, yet again, a number I've already given him umpteen times before.

But he remembered OW's - he never even put that in his phone contacts.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 21