User Topic: How is this not a deal breaker?
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I wonder about this this is cheating in any form ONS LTA EA or Cyber, lying, hiding a secrect life, and making us feel crazy not a deal breaker for everyone. I wonder am I being too harsh? My WF hid another side of him for 2 years. This to me is a deal breaker and should b for everyone. We have both's been about a year. I realize this is no way to start a marriage. It doesn't matter y he did it he did. It was no mistake. This happened for 2 years. A mistake is something that may happen a few times. I know that what he did will always b in the back of my mind learking. Yeah some days r great I don't thing about it. Others I think about it then let if go. Others I think about it and it enrages me!

Y do people give 2nd chances to people who don't deserve them?

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Because life is imperfect, people are imperfect, love can be strong, children are involved, and more.

I divorced my XWW because she was not remorseful. If she had had a short affair, was extremely remorseful, took full responsibility, ....I think it would have been different.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Humbly and respectfully, I disagree with your premise - that 'they don't desesrve it', or that cheating 'in any form' is a dealbreaker.

Everyone has to come to their own conclusion. It is my opinion that everyone (almost everyone) deserves a chance - deserves grace.

But I wouldn't for a minute try to convience you of that if - for you - it is a dealbreaker.

This might be a phase for you, or it might be the end game. Either way - you must do what is best in your situation.

But I think it is obvious in some of these threads that some of the waywards are truly remoreful and know what they did and how awful it was.

How glad I am that MH gave DS a '2nd chance'! None of us would have this safe haven to come to without BOTH of them.

I am so sorry for your pain. I wish for you the very best - whatever you decide.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I know ppl make mistakes. I've made plenty but this to me is no mistake. My WF did very gross thing like posting makes pics of himself on CL posting for sex w men or women. So in my eyes right now it is a deal breaker. Sure he loves me more than anuthing. Sure he is great to me. My question is who the hell is he ? I don't know that person...

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
New Member
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

My second chances aren't for him, frankly most people that cheat don't deserve it. It is for me, my children, our family which will always deserve me doing whatever work I can to make things as close to right as they can get. If I give up it will be when the work I do and whatever I can get him to do isn't enough to make this a positive thing in the future, that is my breaking point. For better or for worse was my vow, but I didn't promise to put up with a life sentence in living hell with an unloving man.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

On the surface staying doesn't make sense. It's contradictory to self preservation. It's what makes R so difficult. Somehow a few are able to honestly and truthfully R and not just stay for other life reasons.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I agree with you 100%,based on the fact that the cheater in your life is your fiance.

Had my H cheated on me before we were M, it would have been an immediate and complete deal breaker, for all the reasons you stated in your post.

Now, however, we have 4 children. Plus, he is remorseful, and is is expressing genuine thankfulness that I have allowed him to remain in my life. His EA wasn't a deal breaker, I thought he was having a mid life crisis and was temporarily insane. The discovery of the continued, secret porn use would have been the last straw, however, because it showed me he is a systematic liar, giving himself license whenever it is convenient for him. He is "lucky" we still have 3 children I homeschool, and who need our lives to be stable so their lives aren't blown to smithereens.

eta: The last time he used porn was when I caught him in March 2012. He is attending Celebrating Recovery for SA, and says he is relieved he isn't using anymore,and his life is better in many ways than it was when he viewed it. I'd say our intimate life is definitely better. He had issues for the first 22 years of our M that have gone away since he stopped using porn, and sex is more relaxed and enjoyable.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 10:53 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

If it is a deal breaker for you that is absolutely understandable and I wish you the best moving forward.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I wonder about this this is cheating in any form ONS LTA EA or Cyber, lying, hiding a secrect life, and making us feel crazy not a deal breaker for everyone. I wonder am I being too harsh?

Why for everyone? I think we each can make up our mind whether we want to forgive, based on what they did, and their level of remorse.

For me, a ONS or EA would NOT BE the SAME as hiding another side of himself, posting on CL for two years with pics of himself for men and women.

My WF hid another side of him for 2 years. This to me is a deal breaker and should b for everyone

If it is for you, then it is time to end it. Nobody is going to fault you for it, and quite frankly if my H hid a secret life of filth on CL I would consider it a deal breaker too. But I don't understand why you are saying any kind of cheating should be a dealbreaker for everyone. I just don't agree with that.

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

Yeah I guess I could say I tried. I would hate to b in this situation if we were married w children. I have one child from my first marriage. That is a difficult situation all in itself as we have shared custody and it is a constant reminder of what he did yo break up our family. My current fiancé knows what I have been thru in the past and he made a choice he put me back in that same situation.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

You r not everyone does have their rite to choose. Yes I would say my case is very drastic and different to others. I wish everyone just peace of mind. I guess I just woke up w a bug of who needs people who cheat. But u r right ppl deserve second chances in alot of cases especially if they r remorseful!!

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

But, my WH and I are married and have a child. This is why I will try to forgive. We have had a great M otherwise and have been married eight years.
He is remorseful and deserves this chance.

Gently, had we not been married and I didn't have our daughter to think about, I may have made a different decision.

ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.

Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Well we are not married, no plans to for a few years, maybe at retirement. But just because you are not married doesn't mean there is nothing to salvage.

I was always one who said - dealbreaker - but when he was practically prostrate with remorse. When he really showed his sorrow, I knew maybe we had a chance. The love I had for him gave my a foundation to work from.

I see your case and think if your decision is right for you then you are right.

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

If my WH had an A when we were dating or engaged it would have been a deal breaker. I would have left him without a backwards glance. However, we have been married almost 8 years now. We have 4 children together. Im willing to give him a chance to repair what he has done.

Each person has their own situation. Each person needs to make their own decision. I use to think if I found my husband cheating Id leave in a heartbeat. Now Ive realized its not so simple, its not just my life Id be effecting. I have little ones involved now.

BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

My FWF and I were not engaged or living together when I found out about his infidelity with me, and this was after knowing of his serial infidelity with his ex-wife. It is not a deal breaker and we became engaged after DDay. The reason for this was him finally coming to understand the reasons for his actions.

However, my deal breaker would have been an ongoing affair. He visited prostitutes. I could not cope with him having an emotional connection with another woman, and I applaud the strength and courage for people to R after that event.

Confused, I totally respect your decision to take the action that you do. You are not being too harsh, as that is your choice. I would not ever say what others should or should not do.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Everyone has to find what their own integrity is and live by it. There is nothing wrong with believing it was a deal breaker. There is nothing wrong with not giving second chances. There is nothing with trying to R.

For me, my integrity was to try 110% to hold my family together. I needed to know in my heart and soul I tried everything first.

We all need to be true to ourselves.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2629 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Certainly a deal breaker for me. He left the house without an explanation less than 30 minutes after I confronted him on hiding his cell phone. i told him if he left, that he should never come back. i didnt even know it was an A at that point. He came back 24 hours later and confessed (sort of) what I already knew from investigating all night while he was gone. There was nothing to talk about. He knew that it was a dealbreaker for me. I've never waivered from that and he never showed any interest in convincing me otherwise. I was committed to our marriage and we were married 18 years. I didn't take it lightly. I also knew that he had checked out and showed no signs that it was something he wanted. I don't believe that I made the choice that it was a dealbreaker, XWH made the choice by having the A.

Everyone is different and circumstances are different. There are many reasons people stay and try to live with it. Though I do think most people consider it a dealbreaker...until it happens to them.

I also think true R is rare and there are more cases of people staying in marriages after an A for secondary reasons like kids, money, religion and not necessarily because it makes them happy, fulfilled or loved.

[This message edited by ItsNotUitsMe at 10:45 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

My WH had the same deal braking affair/ 2yrs/ secret life/ crazy making. I DO believe that was a deal breaker. I no longer feel bound by our marriage. Our marriage has broken. However, since he is remorseful and trying I will stay with him for the sake of the kids. I don't feel like I have any obligation to do that though.

Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, October 7th (Monday)

My question is who the hell is he ? I don't know that person.

You know I completely understand where your feelings are coming from. I always thought it would be a dealbreaker for me and was always one of those people that thought 'oh dear, why would she/he stay?'

Only ever to myself but still,

Y do people give 2nd chances to people who don't deserve them?

gently, there are always other factors to this and I believe in my case my husband had truly earnt a second chance way before the cheating and DV. My life would have been very very different and more than likely really really bad if he hadn't taken me in, paid for everything, married me and then put up with my mother for two years before the police finally took out a restraining order.

however, I do not think he has pre-earnt a third so that would be interesting to see how that would work out.

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I agree. I gave mine a second chance when he cheated six months into our marriage, and it broke me and the relationship. He cheated again 24 years later. I'm happy now and good friends with him, but it DID tarnish our marriage and I SHOULD have ended it back then.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I always thought it would be a dealbreaker for me... until I was faced with it. On DDay I immediately offered R, which surprised the hell out of him.

He was remorseful and was doing all of the right things (NC the OW, offered to leave his job)... for about three days. Then he started getting defensive and cruel, calling it "honesty." I 180ed.

By week 3 post DDay, I figured out that he had taken the A underground. When I found out, he got verbally and emotionally abusive. Started saying he wanted me to get a sublet, etc.

I NCed him on the spot. I haven't spoken to him since.


I wish to God he hadn't been so unremorseful and forced my hand. The hell of S/D and NCing the man I love and my bestfriend-- and facing that I'm never going to have the life I though I had again, the children I wanted, etc-- it's agony.

Another SIer told me it's like pulling yourself out from the brink of death. I think that's about right.

So I get it if you stayed. In fact, this shit is so hard, I don't know how people leave, short of a case like mine where I refused to be abused.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I was only engaged on dday. I could have cut and run and no one in my life would have thought less of me - except me. I had committed to this man already. The day I accepted his proposal (probably even before that), I thought of our relationship as a marriage. The vows I said to him on our wedding day were vows I'd already been living to him for months. I don't know how to explain with words what I saw in him on dday. But that image of him is one I will carry forever. He was broken, quite literally. I knew I owed it to myself to give him the chance to prove to me that our relationship was worth it. Sure, it has sucked at times since. But, with every single day that goes by, I know I made the right choice and that even with this crap my life is happier and more fulfilling than it would have been if I had chosen to leave.

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I always thought it would be a deal breaker.

My husband had a ONS. I think the thing that allowed me to give him a second chance is that he started trying to fix things before I found out. He called his sponsor and was attending AA every day. He was better to me than he had been in years - as a husband, as a father.

Maybe I've deluded myself with the details - though I've treated it from DDay as him having sex, because they would have if he could have, but he couldn't. Maybe I'm deluding myself that he can change, but his changed drastically in the past 3 months.

Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 23