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Reconciliation
User Topic: WH won't do timeline
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

WH says he doesn't see the point of a timeline and that he feels it will do more harm than good. As of today we are not talking and he as left the house to "work" while I am home alone with our son...just like I was during most of his affair.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

I am really sorry to hear this topperoff22. Mine offered one up before I even had to ask. Perhaps you should remind your H that he does not have a choice in the matter. He does it, or he can sleep elsewhere.

That might sound harsh to you and it will to his ears for sure but so are A's. In order to heal, you need some very basic knowledge. You need to put this puzzle together. To deny you that after what he has already done is cruel. And asking questions based on his timeline goes a long way in helping with the healing.

Pick up any book about Infidelity and read the articles here in the Healing Library and point out to him why you are asking for this.

Just like you didn't have a say when he went outside your marriage, he doesn't get a say with this. Do it, or leave. Hugs to you.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:54 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2431 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 6th (Sunday)

LA, I love the no-nonsense, hardline stance. It's taken me so long to assert myself like that, but I'm getting there.

(((topperoff))), I think LA is on point here.

I won't offer advice, since I seem to having trouble drawing that line in the sand myself. But I totally agree that we need that info to heal and if our WS wants back in the M, they need to provide us with what we need to heal. Period.

Wishing you strength.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

and really, wouldn't it just be great if he did as he was asked to do in this traumatic time?

For me personally, it showed the start of him feeling remorseful. He also bought the book, After the Affair and started reading it. But the timeline provides clarity where right now there is chaos. It outlined what happened so that I would not make things worse (imagine!)- and this is what the counselor said - so that I could re-frame my life during that time period. Because right now, the ground beneath you is like jello - your foundation in pieces. What is real? What really is true? You need to know.

Once he gave me his timeline, I wrote my own under his. I then gave it to him. So, when he had just returned from a boys weekend in which he saw her before/after the plane ride, I pointed out that we had then got some family photos done later that week. I was planning and hosting his 45th bday while he was planning on their next rendezvous. And so on.

My timeline showed him what was happening in "real life" while he was in the magical land of "trystland" as someone on the WS referred to it.

I hope you get what you dearly need. Janis A Spring refers to them as High Cost Behaviours. A timeline would be a HCB. I highly recommend her book noted above for both of you.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:15 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2431 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
3boys
New Member
Member # 38736
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

the timeline provides clarity where right now there is chaos. It outlined what happened so that I would not make things worse (imagine!)- and this is what the counselor said - so that I could re-frame my life during that time period. Because right now, the ground beneath you is like jello - your foundation in pieces. What is real? What really is true? You need to know.

Once he gave me his timeline, I wrote my own under his. I then gave it to him.
My timeline showed him what was happening in "real life" while he was in the magical land of "trystland"
as someone on the WS referred to it.

I think this is an excellent idea and should be something done by every WS and BS. I think it would really open some of the WS's eyes as to what was really happening during their A as well as the true-life effects and consequences of their A.

3boys


BW-47
FWH-54
M-28yrs
DS-24,DS-20,DS-14,DGS-10mon,DGS-5mon.
MOW-holier-than-thou Christian whore
2 yr EA, 2-3 mon PA
Dday-10/10/2009
R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I've been asking my H to do a timeline since about a month after dday, maybe sooner. He says he's working on it but I have yet to see anything. I took all the details I know, anything he gave me and the stuff I got through texts and did my own.

When he does finally give me his, I wonder how they'll differ.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

WOW!! this is concerning....
WH says he doesn't see the point of a timeline and that he feels it will do more harm than good

Does your WH give you a reason a TIMELINE will do more harm than good?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I haven't gotten one either, despite asking for it. He says he doesn't remember enough. . . .

I feel your frustration, Topper - and wish my WH had reacted like LA's did.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 8