SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Stopping your thoughts?
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I am sure this topic has been posted many times, so forgive me if I am asking a question that has already been answered. I need to stop my obsessive thoughts about the A, but I am not sure how. I find myself down in the dumps and it feels like there is no purpose to it. I go over the details like a little magpie, counting my hurts and it is pointless, I have reached no new conclusions, at least no helpful ones and I need a way to stop these unproductive thoughts. Any tips or tricks? I was given a suggestion of counting by threes but I am getting really good at that and I am worried that it will become automatic and then the thoughts will start again. I am tired of these obsessive circular thoughts that I can't shut off, please help?


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I had heard that picturing a stop sign helps, it helped me for a short time but that was all.

Honestly the only thing that stops my obsessive thoughts is telling H. He can tell when something is bothering me and it will eat at me if I don't get it out. Usually I am able to move on although sometimes the same crap pops up and I have to get it out again.

Not sure if that is normal but it is what works for me at least.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Thank you Princess, I do tell H sometimes, but sometimes I just don't see the point, he knows and strangely I feel bad about bringing the mood down sometimes. A lot of thoughts will happen for me when we are trying to have fun, when he has done something to try to make me happy, like when he booked a surprise weekend trip to the beach for our family. Although usually when I do tell him I feel better, maybe I will try to do that more. Thank you.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I cadged this technique from someone on SI and it helped me.

When the thoughts became obsessive I substituted this phrase in a ritualistic way over and over:

"I know and it has hurt me very much but I have felt it and now I am letting it pass."

For me, it preempted the unpleasant thoughts, acknowledged their legitimacy and my strong feelings and allowed me to move forward. It truly helped me much of the time.


Posts: 711 | Registered: Aug 2011
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Thank you struggling, I will try that, I came up with something similar a while ago and I actually forgot about it until your suggestion. My brain doesn't seem to work as well as it used to these days. Thank you again.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

It is very hard for your brain to work how it used to work. I felt little control over the obsessive thoughts for a very long time. I tried all of the techniques other people mentioned and sometimes they helped. Really time has been the best at solving this problem. I know that sucks but hang in there...it will come.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

A couple of approaches that may work...

What feelings do you have when you're own in the dumps? Grief, anger, fear? Acknowledging and nurturing yourself through the feelings may help. If you're angry, writing down a list of sentences starting, 'I'm angry about ____' or 'I'm angry that ____' is my IC's prescription. She says no more than 5 minutes, and absolutely no censoring. I've never made it beyond 3 minutes and about 15-20 sentences before my anger is gone, at least for a while.

What messages do you hear? The messages are probably attacks on yourself. If you can get/'hear' the words of the message, you can craft corrective message.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Hi sisoon, thank you for replying. Mostly when I am thinking about it, it is just "Oh my god, that really happened" and just being sad about it, and the fact that my life had changed so much. Sometimes I am angry about it, but usually just sad. I will definitely try your suggestion too, thank you.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Thank you for posting this. I am the same way right now and the thoughts come fast and furiously. I'm going to try some of these suggestions too.

So sorry you (or anyone!) have to go through this!!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

The STOP sign worked well for me but in addition someone recommended I make an appointment with myself to think about the A at a specific time that fit into my day. This actually helped as I would tell myself: 'you don't have time to do this now but at 5:00PM or whatever time I had later that day I would promise myself I would spend 15 minutes focused on the A. Then I would go on about my day knowing I could deal with those thoughts later at a time when I could give it my full concentration. Sometimes I got to the appointed time and said..the hell with it ..it isn't important and other times, I would sit and weep and wallow in the pain....it all depended on my day, I guess.

But it did help to make appointments with myself as sometimes these thoughts would come up at the most inopportune times and I really couldn't focus without taking away from events in my life I didn't want to miss out on.....

Hope you you find something that works for you too....


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
livingforme49
New Member
Member # 40668
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I found the more I focus on the A the worse it is for me. I know how hard it is to do this. I continue intrying to remember something I read. You control your thoughts. You have the power to change what the thought is. If negative try moving it to something more positive. It has taken me awhile to working at this myself. Its not always successful but I have been more positive in general on all things.
Me 49
D day 1-9-13 was already over



Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: livingforme49
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you. I am trying out some of your suggestions, I really hope something helps in a constructive way. I was having a really hard time yesterday and I tried redirecting my thoughts or using a stop sign, but it just made everything so much worse; huge crying jag last night. I think I will try the appointment thing, I think I have been trying to hard to just suppress the thoughts. Yesterday felt like I was trying to hold the lid shut on an overflowing sewer drain and eventually I just couldn't do it anymore more, it exploded and the shit went everywhere.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
SpiderGrl
Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Journaling has helped me a little. I hope you can find a little relief.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
coldheart34
New Member
Member # 40569
Wink  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I get so angry when the mind movies play. I usually recite the "serenity prayer" when this happens and I find that it calms me most of the time. Also I think about the random guy at the gas station who showered me with compliments for being a beautiful pregnant woman and then paid for my gas (this happened post DDay) this gives me a self esteem boost


Me (BS)-34
WH-37
DDAY 1: 2/2013
DDAY 2:(FB instant message from OW)8/17/2013
kids- DD 2, DD 6 mos
Attempting to R

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Inshock
Honey being pregnant those hormones are running amuck I am sure. Are you in therapy? If not find a good therapist that does EMDR therapy it literally changed my life.
It will help you I promise.
Hugs...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Thanks heartache, I have been wondering if part of my issues are the hormones and if things will be easier to deal with when I am no longer pregnant. I am in therapy, I have yet to see if it is really helping. I will discuss EMDR with her, thanks.

Thanks coldheart, I am not so bad with mind movies, sometimes they are an issue but mostly it is all the things I thought were one way, and really they were so different. Like I just remembered last year for Christmas and how I spent all this time making a cute singing card online of me DS and WH and sent it out to all my friends, including the OW and how I thought it was so cute and what a perfect happy family we were. Wrong. And it is so difficult to reconcile those memories with the truth.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
inshockandhurt
Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Wow coldheart, our timelines are almost exact. I found out in Feb 2013 and I am due in December. Great time to get pregnant huh?


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 17