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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Mojo please Mediation tomorrow
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

After almost 15 months I have my second mediation tomorrow! Them mediator thought we should have had it done in one session. I know who I'm dealing with I'm just glad we aren't heading for court. I guess I should reserve being glad until I see if he even shows tomorrow. I'm hopeful it will be settled and I can move on.

NPDPASTBX doesn't want to pay spousal maintenance which is going to be a huge sticking point. The mediator told me that he told him, "look buddy you're on the hook". I sure hope so because I have no idea how I'm going to be able to pay bills.

On a side note I'm not in the same room with him. I just can't do it.

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 8:48 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

You're 52. You were together for a very, very long time. He's paying spousal. That's all there is to it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9810 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Mojo. Prayers. Vibes. All your way. Go get it done. Strength. We are here for you.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

NatureGirl I need to update my status I'm now 53 in Sept I had been married for 35 years! I'm counting that since I'm still legally married. Looking over what I make a month working 4 jobs isn't much. I'm trying though. And I'll be taking on another one for the holiday season.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
pointmagnet
Member
Member # 16565
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

I was married 28 years... And I will be paying out the nose for 12 more.

If you have been married for a long time, the working spouse is always going to have to pay maintenance in no-fault states. It's that simple.


Me (BS): 55
Her (WW): 53
Married: Not any more
Children: Three of them
D-Day: 10/07/07; 12/15/12
Status: Trying to move on

Posts: 475 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: USA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Mojo to you, Elaine.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 6th (Sunday)

Lots of mojo for getting it done and everything you're looking for. FTG!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2378 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Mojo and strength to you. I hope it works out how you want it to and that it is another step forward towards your wonderful new beginning.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, October 7th (Monday)

A no fault state and a long term marriage can mean alimony for life. Just depends on your state's laws and what you did all those years while you were married (home caretaker, etc). In my state if you were married 18 years or more it's considered long term and the game changes. ExWW filed at 18 years and three months. So joke was on her. I guarantee if you have a decent attorney, you will come out fine regardless how much he kicks and screams. You are in the driver's seat more than you know. If he isn't reasonable then take him to court and get him to pay your extra attorney fees associated with it. One thing judges hate is an unreasonable STBX who broke up a marriage and has an attitude about paying deserved spousal support. F' him.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 5:12 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Not being in the same room - not even seeing her was such a good thing for me! I felt victorious through the whole thing - I hope you do too!

Posts: 6642 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Thanks for the support. I'm leaving in about 30 minutes! Trying to keep my nerves at bay.

SeanFLA I'm trying to remember this and not to be intimidated by him and this process.

You are in the driver's seat more than you know. If he isn't reasonable then take him to court and get him to pay your extra attorney fees associated with it.

I don't want to have to go to court but I certainly will if that is what it takes.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 7th (Monday)

(((hugs))) and mojo!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I wish you the best. Strength, and patience with yourself. :-)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Four hours later I'm still in mediation. We may end up at pretrial.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Keep your chin up Elaine. Done, or pretrial, you are almost there!


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5521 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 7th (Monday)

((((Elaine))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Curious to hear what happened at mediation today. Hoping it went well for you !


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, October 7th (Monday)

After 5 hours we didn't get it done. We almost had the property division figured out and then they changed it last minute.

There is a premarital claim on his part regarding some money his father supposedly gave him and which I had no knowledge of. He hasn't been able to produce documentation for. The mediator said what he had was BS. When that came off the table is when they changed the property division.

For spousal maintenance the mediator looked over my budget and said it wasn't unreasonable, then he went in with a number and his counter offer was substantially lower than the proposed amount. It was actually insulting how low the offer was! It wouldn't even cover the cost of rent.

The mediator seemed to feel like we were close. It didn't feel like we were. It seems like they just keep moving the offer all over the place. At one point his offer included maintenance but only if I agreed that 62 was a reasonable age to retire. Yeah I said no to that one. Since I'll likely have to work until I die.

We have a pretrial scheduled for the 14th and I think we are going to move ahead with that.

Now the question is do I stick to my belief that I should have a fair offer? Do I spend money that I don't really have to achieve that. Do I cave because I don't know what a judge will say and I could end up worse off than I am. I guess I don't know how that would be. I can't afford to even rent something in my current situation.

This is ridiculous considering that there isn't really anything substantial to fight about. What happened to his being amiable and getting this done. All I know is the L's all made some big bucks today and it feels like we are no closer than when we started.

ETA: for clarity.

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 10:54 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Bumping. I could use a little advice. Thanks.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Sounds to me, and I know this sucks, but you may need to go the distance on this one. If his lawyer was anything but smart he would have told him to settle now instead of a judge making your life's decisions for you. The 14th is not too far away and something may hash out before that. They may get cold feet and settle quickly when they see you aren't backing down. Make sure your attorney tells the judge you were willing to settle at what appeared to be fair at mediation and move on, but STBX said no. I guaranty you that you won't get screwed. You will get what is owed to you don't worry. Worse case would be 50% of all assets and a minimal monthly maintenance. Just do your homework about rents in the area, etc.

Yes lawyers do make money on our pain and much of that time can be wasted, but what are you going to do? This is your future you are talking about. I figured soup to nuts with having to buy a place, additional furniture, paying my share of lawyer fees, paying IRA withdrawals taxes and penalties this divorce cost me $200K towards my retirement. And I didn't even want it, she filed. In fact I just had to write a check this week to the IRS for $35K to cover the withdrawals I took to buy my place...ouch. But it's better than going to jail huh? You're just going to have to keep your bitch boots on and fight for was is rightfully yours.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

do I stick to my belief that I should have a fair offer?

What's your alternative? To accept an unfair offer? Talk these issues out with your L. If your L is familiar with the court system in your area, he will be able to give you a *best guess* on how a judge would view your case. I would think that *no documentation* about that money from his dad means that money is marital property. Don't know how much is there, but doesn't finding out about it make you a bit nervous and wonder whether he's hiding anything else?

I'm also at the stage you are right now. If I don't get an offer that's reasonable and close to what I want, then I'm going to let the judge decide. If I'm gonna get fucked over, I'd rather let the judge do it than allow the guy I'm divorcing (who *promised* that he'd always take care of me but now thinks that I should live on rice and mac&cheese and ramen noodles) do it yet again.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8071 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

SeanFLA

I figured soup to nuts with having to buy a place, additional furniture, paying my share of lawyer fees, paying IRA withdrawals taxes and penalties this divorce cost me $200K towards my retirement. And I didn't even want it, she filed. In fact I just had to write a check this week to the IRS for $35K to cover the withdrawals I took to buy my place...ouch. But it's better than going to jail huh? You're just going to have to keep your bitch boots on and fight for was is rightfully yours.

Oh my I can't even imagine spending that kind of money. I'm getting close to 10K which is very distressing for me. That's about 1/2 of what I make at my FT job. And there are still more cost's piling up!

When I was looking over his budget for a month he had $915 allocated for food and other household items, meals eaten out, recreation, entertainment, personal allowances, incidentals and for social obligations (bday, Christmas gifts, etc).

And he has 355 per month for gas when he drives a motorcycle for about 4 to 5 months of the years. I'm trying to decide if I'm being petty about those things I suppose gas is very subjective however the other seems excessive.

Right now I'm living with a wonderful friend who is very supportive and isn't asking for rent. Which helps for paying my L fees. I can't keep living like this forever. I don't have any of my things to use. He, in fact, has full use of the house and all of our "things". I've been afraid to remove things for fear of "poking the beast".

gonnabe2016

What's your alternative? To accept an unfair offer? Talk these issues out with your L. If your L is familiar with the court system in your area, he will be able to give you a *best guess* on how a judge would view your case. I would think that *no documentation* about that money from his dad means that money is marital property. Don't know how much is there, but doesn't finding out about it make you a bit nervous and wonder whether he's hiding anything else?

Good point, thanks! I think I just needed to see that written out. One thing that I have is pictures from his check register for checks he wrote to himself last year for over $3,000. It doesn't seem to matter or that he sold several big ticket items for another 1,800. I've wondered what else he did that I didn't know about. The above happened just prior to dday.

I'm also at the stage you are right now. If I don't get an offer that's reasonable and close to what I want, then I'm going to let the judge decide. If I'm gonna get fucked over, I'd rather let the judge do it than allow the guy I'm divorcing (who *promised* that he'd always take care of me but now thinks that I should live on rice and mac&cheese and ramen noodles) do it yet again.....

Just trying to weigh my options to see if what I come out with is worth the $$ I'll spend. And maybe just holding their feet to the fire is what I need to do. Especially since I just got my bill for last month and this next bill will be even more! After I pay those I'll be out of what I've managed to save for those expenses.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 22