I am certainly no expert but I can tell you how it feels from my perspective and experience so far, 2 weeks from 1st dday antiversary.
H left me on dday for 2 months. He had nothing but anger towards me while in a. I reached out to him when a was over. I coaxed him back. I was patient, caring and did not pressure him at all in the beginning. I was waiting for him to "come around", to remember me, realize what he had done.
I suggested the reading, IC, MC. I initiated all of the talking after a couple of months of giving time.
Then I began to ask for what I needed from him to help me to heal with him.
I also at this point want to feel like he would "fight"for me, not just walk away if it got too tough.
I feel as if I have been fighting for him, doing all the work, going through the pain all alone. It feels degrading, demeaning. I have recently come to a point where I absolutely need him to initiate the conversations, reveal his thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities to me, on his own, read on his own, for a time "prove" to me how important I am to him, not by just "being here".
I have pulled back emotionally, not intentionally, but it has happened, cause and effect, self preservation.
I don't know if any of this fits your situation but if it does, maybe you need to go above and beyond for a bit.
Have you worked on yourself and told him about your changes? I know that would help me feel better.
Have you tried reading together? Maybe 5 Love Languages?
Do you talk about how your actions have made you feel now vs. during the a? How differently you view him now? What you see and appreciate in him now that you were not seeing then? How much you hurt for putting him through this, hurt for him?
This is all very basic but all I have to offer right now from my perspective.
I hope it helps in some small way. Maybe talking about this with MC, about what he sees as the goal and how to achieve it.
I know in myself right now, I know I am holding back, not giving in a way that is good for the marriage. I just cannot give at this point as it is too risky for me. Not good but I have been very honest and open about this to h and why I am holding back.
He seems to understand and now I am waiting for the actions that I need to feel safe and valued. I have been so very clear about what I need from him. Now it is up to him to put as much in going forward as I have up until this point.
Has he expressed what he needs? Does he even know? Have you given what he has asked for and more?
This is such a painful experience, so hard to live with. Everyday I seem to discover a new way in which this has changed me, changed how I view the world, view my h, view our life, view myself. Some of it is positive but the negative is gut wrenching.
I just know for myself I cannot expose myself to any "new" pain from him. Until he really shows me that this marriage, that I am his first priority, consistently and over time, I cannot risk anymore of myself.
Best to you both. I hope you can find a way to work through this together.
Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie