SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Moving On
notmychoice
New Member
Member # 40912
Target  Posted: 6:59 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I am new member but I have been lurking her for months. My husband left suddenly after I found out about the OW. My main goal has been to have him leave the OW. This is not to get back together with him (that will NEVER happen) but to hurt the OW as much as she has hurt me. I know that this will delay me moving on but I am having a hard time stopping myself. Has anyone successfully broken up the relationship. I feel I cant move forward until this is done.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: the twilight zone
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Honey, just leave them to wallow in their shitty choices and the rest will take care of itself.

If you start making moves to break them up, it will be way too easy for them to paint you as the bad guy, or a crazy bitch. They will bond over it, and it will likely have the opposite of the intended effect. Your trying to break them up will turn into the glue that is holding them together.

Many OW and WH's have this "us against the world" and "our bullshit lurrrve is worth sacrificing everything for" dramatic mentality that your efforts will only reinforce.


If you have some hard proof that he is cheating on her, or something like that, that is one thing-- you could always send it to her, anonymously, and let the chips falls where they may.

But, if you have to manufacture scenarios that may or may not lead to the demise of their relationship, it will probably come back to bite you in the end. You could end up with a restraining order slapped on you, which would be a fresh humiliation that you simply don't need.

Revenge fantasies are normal. But normal isn't always healthy. If you can, take the focus of them and their shitty, adulterous relationship, and focus on you and the new, bullshit free life that awaits.

Don't worry about hurting OW. In time, your WH will probably take care of that all by himself.

As strongbutbroken says 'DON'T PET THE DRAMA LLAMA".

((((((notmychoice))))))



Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Honey - you can't move forward when you're still looking backward. The OW and your WH are the agents of their own downfall. Your energy and time are far too valuable to be wasted on them.

Turn it around. Put that focus on yourself. That's an investment that will yield REAL returns.

((((notmychoice))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24793 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I agree with the others, you are doing nothing but delaying your own healing.

The OW didn't hurt you, she owned you nothing...your ex is the one that broke the vow to you. Focusing on her will do nothing for you. Let them have each other, they deserve each other...a cheater and someone who thinks cheating is a good idea. Let them have each other.

I would suggest you get into therapy if you haven't already. You have to find a way to stop obsessing about him and work on healing your self. Take that energy and create a new life for yourself.

Time to let go.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4108 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to let go and start your own life over, but that is what you must do to heal. These relationships are like trying to keep your kids from dating and marrying the wrong person. The more you protest, the more they will bond over it.

We have all had the fantasy of something happening to break up the WS and the AP. That is perfectly normal. However, you must get past that and start building your own life. I know my response to the OW was if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

Most of these fairytale infidelity relationships end on their own because basically they are built on lies. Eventually real life sinks in and they discover that it doesn't make them happy afterall. I am sure that some hang on to the relationship so that they don't look like the fool they are, but most don't make it.

Please try and get to a place that you can let go. You don't want him back so don't dewell on what he is doing with who. It is no longer your concern. The karma bus will catch up with both of them eventually. Just concentrate on taking care of you now. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to let go and start your own life over, but that is what you must do to heal. These relationships are like trying to keep your kids from dating and marrying the wrong person. The more you protest, the more they will bond over it.

We have all had the fantasy of something happening to break up the WS and the AP. That is perfectly normal. However, you must get past that and start building your own life. I know my response to the OW was if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

Most of these fairytale infidelity relationships end on their own because basically they are built on lies. Eventually real life sinks in and they discover that it doesn't make them happy afterall. I am sure that some hang on to the relationship so that they don't look like the fool they are, but most don't make it.

Please try and get to a place that you can let go. You don't want him back so don't dewell on what he is doing with who. It is no longer your concern. The karma bus will catch up with both of them eventually. Just concentrate on taking care of you now. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 7th (Monday)

You have to realize, right now, that you CANNOT control the actions of others; you can only control your own reaction. You can't make him give her up; you can't make them break up; you just can't.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19970 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I totally understand your need to "win", I get it. I'm right there with you. I think in the early months I felt this overwhelming need to win too. I wanted her to know she didn't have this special love, she was just a distraction during a stressful time in our marriage. I still think about the OW and if they are still together, but that's normal I think.

Here's the thing, what if your successful, and he doesn't come back to you? Then that hurts too. What if they get back together? And back together, and back together again after that. It's better to turn your focus away from them and focus on you.

(((Notmychoice)))

Keep posting on here. It's a healthy step in moving forward.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 346 | Registered: Apr 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Echoing all of the others. The best revenge is living well. By that time you won't care for revenge.

If it wasn't this OW it would have been another. I find the OW an affront to the sisterhood but I don't blame them for my husband betraying his vows to me.

He was a Wayward long before he actually cheated. It has nothing to do with the BS, nothing to do with the AP, it is ALL about the fucked-up coping mechanism of the WS.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5530 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
notmychoice
New Member
Member # 40912
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I know in my heart I need to let it go. Its just hard. I know that OW has never had it so good. She feels so special because shes with her boss. My ex says he will break up with her. He would like to R but I would never. I am going to try keep my distance and see what he does.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: the twilight zone
Topic Posts: 10