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Reconciliation
User Topic: 5 years out- need advice
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Things have felt "off" the past few weeks and I decided to check FWH's phone, which I have not done in a long time. We are completely open with our phones and passwords, but for some reason I did not tell him I was checking and looked through them a couple days ago. There wasn't anything of interest. I checked again yesterday and all of the text messages has been deleted! He said it was getting too full. Now, he does do this on occasion, but one of our boundaries was to show me the texts before wiping them. I asked him about it. I guess it's been awhile and he said he just didn't think about it? What should I do?


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 7th (Monday)

What should I do?

Nothing. Take him at his word and forget about it. Try to force yourself to be trusting again. I think you'll be happier.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5640 | Registered: Aug 2007
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Ok, take him at his word if you don't have other reasons for suspicion or spidey sense or gut or whatever,... But if things feel off, why? what is your gut saying? maybe a little extra watchful or ask him?

also if the text wipe does bother you, tell him what you think and what you want him to do.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 10:27 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Nothing. Take him at his word and forget about it. Try to force yourself to be trusting again. I think you'll be happier.

seriously? "force" yourself to trust? How does that work?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4774 | Registered: Dec 2010
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 7th (Monday)

seriously? "force" yourself to trust? How does that work?

Like the Nike commercial...Just do it!.

If your spouse is going to cheat again there is nothing you can do to prevent it. You can't control the actions of another. I became much happier when I stopped fearing the future and stopped allowing the affair to define me or my choices.

I also realized, with true emotional intimacy comes peace of mind. Trust is the foundation of emotional intimacy and what all great relationships are based on.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5640 | Registered: Aug 2007
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Things feeling 'off' is what would concern me.

I think that's something that would benefit from a full airing/discussion. Is that something you will do, or are you having extra difficulty talking now?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I think after 5 years some Fws tend to forget the line for boundaries. Mine just recently has pulled one too. A gentle reminder is needed. That is what I did. But Iwill admit it really upset me that he didnt take my feelings into consideration.
So I have my eyes watching it all.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 7th (Monday)

surviving, what is feeling "off" can you put a specific reason cause, or event that has made you feel that way?

I do think that you need to tell him that was a boundary/guideline to R, and for whatever his reason for deletinng without telling you, it may be a good time to remind him that you let him get away with it once, but never ever ever again. A little reminder of what a gift R is never hurts either.

But I think you need to figure out why things are Off, and the level of Off they are. If it's just an old trigger, then talk about it, if it's real concerns, behaviors, that you saw before, then it may be time to get smart with snooping.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I would say the "off" feeling is the most significant as well, while the deleted messages could just be a coincidence. Or not. I would say nothing but go into stealth mode for awhile.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1755 | Registered: Oct 2007
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Ditto what heartache101 said.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I think after 5 years some Fws tend to forget the line for boundaries. Mine just recently has pulled one too. A gentle reminder is needed.

I get what you are saying, but at what point do you start trusting again; at 10 years, 15 years?

I was very hyper-vigilant during the beginning of R, but I reached a point a couple years out where it just didn't matter anymore. I wanted to trust my wife to do the right things and stop worrying about another affair. I no longer wanted to play the role of detective or big brother. I became so much happier when I stopped trying to control the future, and just be happy with the present.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:16 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5640 | Registered: Aug 2007
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Tell him you are feeling like something is off. Talk about it. If he gets weird or defensive, then you probably have your answer.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
crestfallen
Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Hi,

We are almost 5 years out, as well. For the most part, my husband does remember the things we have agreed on to make me feel safe. Having said that, he does have slip ups!

I do gently let him know when that happens. He is just comfortable in his routine, he seems to feel comfortable in his own skin again because he isn't doing anything wrong.

Sometimes I feel that way, too, but if I take a day or two to think about it, the gut feeling usually fades. And I have a really good intuition.


BS-me-57
WH-57
Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

HardenMyHeart,

I know what you are saying and I can't wait to get to place where you are now.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone. I did tell him that deleting the texts was definitely a boundary issue and how badly it triggered me. He apologized. I also told him things felt off, and he tried to remind me of how far he has come and the things he is doing right. I did not tell him I was searching his phone and I think I will just be a little more vigilant for a while. I hate this feeling!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1399 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
DrivingPast
Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

A couple days ago the texts were there? And you read them and saw nothing?

Are you able to check the phone bill? That will show you if there were any strange number texts in the past few days. You could even check the past month or two. It may give you some relief. That should really give you a clear picture.

I do agree with others, the gut feeling is important. Hope it turns out to be nothing ((((sl))))


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 16