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Just Found Out
User Topic: I lost myself through all of this...
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 7th (Monday)

I'm posting here to recap my story as often it literally it still feels like I just found out yesterday....

I just found this site yesterday and wish I would have found it back during the horrific days following the original discovery.

Even though I am not married I hope it is still ok to post here. Although I am not married my boyfriend and I have been together in a committed relationship for 13 years.

Our relationship started off positive in every way. We became best friends, fell deeply in love with each other, felt like we were soul mates, basically connected in so many ways. He told me he loved me every day (and still does) and showered me with genuine compliments. We always talked about our future plans. We have been through so much together. Of course not everything was perfect. In the beginning years there was trouble because of his drinking and going to the bars after work. It was not my scene so I did not go. He acted different when he drank hard liquor. This went on for years and he kept promising change....

The drinking and going to bars led to him having so called "friendships" with other girls and he would turn it on me and get mad at me for asking questions about them, etc. He would call me crazy, etc. I had some suspicions about a specific girl but he always made me feel like I was crazy for even suspecting anything.

It turned out I was right. Dday was July 12 2012. I found out by an overwhelming feeling in my gut to check his email. I had to guess his password and believe it or not I guessed it on the 2nd attempt. He was out with friends and I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning reading the exchanges between him and this girl. Putting everything together I was able to come up with the fact that he had been carrying on a relationship of some sort with her for 4 years and that they had been sleeping together. It rocked my world. It changed me. He denied at first until he realized he had nowhere to turn. We then cried together and he said he couldn't lose me. I was in denial, in shock, didn't want to feel the pain of heartbreak, wanted to believe his promises, etc. Four days after dday I called him crying b/c the pain was so hard for me and I needed to talk. His response to me was "OMG, I'm not going to be pestered about this, we discussed it now let's put it behind us". Serious, 4 days later? This should have been my red flag and I should have left and never looked back but I didn't. This last year has been rocky. I still don't trust him. We had a few bumps in the road but he wants reconciliation so bad but doesn't want to talk about it and gets so angry if I bring it up or if something triggers me and makes me sad. He says things like (in a yelling tone). OMG get over it already, how many times do we have to deal with this.... I have nightmares so often and picture the two of them clearly in my head. Several things trigger the events on a daily basis (a song, a word or phrase that he might use that was in the email exchanges between him and her, a scene in a movie, etc. etc. I have been suffering in silence and it caught up with my health just a few months ago. I just recently started to get some counseling for myself. If I'm honest with myself I don't think I can ever trust him again. But at the same time he is the love of my life and I don't want to let go. I'm scared to go through the heartbreak and complete loss of him b/c I have had to do this before in another relationship and it took two years to get to a point where I was feeling ok again.

I go back and forth with my emotions and thoughts (sadness, hate, guilt, worthlessness, numbness, survival, love, stupid, angry at him, at her, at myself.

I still can't stop thinking about her and what they did and the details of the things I know - all of it plays like a movie in my head. This man that I love, that I was deeply in love with, he was that guy that was not supposed to be capable of this. He loved me too much, right? He was not that kind of guy, right? He would never want to put me through that much pain, right? Surely I was more important......

It changed me forever.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 7th (Monday)

SilentHeart,

So sorry that you have to go through this. Regardless of whether you are married or not of course it is OK to post here. Betrayal is betrayal and the love between a BF and GF can be just as deep as between H and W, and the betrayal doesn't hurt any less.

These things to change you forever. They change your perception of life, of the person you are with, of the future the two of you have together, or thought you were going to have.

The nightmares, the triggers, the sadness and all of the emotions, they are normal. It is OK to feel them, and you will feel them for a long time. HE needs to understand that. If HE truly wants to stay with you then HE needs to understand that it is going to take some time for you to work through these things, and he should be doing everything he can to support you and show you that he loves you and that he wants you to get through this. It may be hard, but true reconciliation can only happen if the betrayer is truly remorseful and does everything they can to rebuild trust and help you heal.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It is one of the most awful things that anyone could ever go through.

Take care. Stay healthy - eat, drink, sleep, exercise. Are you in IC? You're going to need help to get through this, from him, from your own inner strength, from friends, even from this site. Keep posting - there are a lot of supportive people on this site.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Thank you for your reply. I'm so angry that this changed me. I have always been an old fashioned girl in so many ways. I believed in true love forever. I believed in faithfulness. I believed at working hard for something you really wanted to work. I believed in giving it all you had. I'm angry that I was taken for granted. I'm angry that I didn't find this site at the beginning b/c it would have helped me so much for how to handle things properly. I'm angry that my BF can NEVER understand how much he hurt me and how it changed the person that I was. I feel like I have not made much progress at all over this past year. I have had to suffer in silence. Noone at work knows. I didn't tell my family. My BF sure didn't handle it right and try to help me through it. On D-day, after his initial show of emotion, etc. he was mad at me for checking his email!!! He just seemed mad that he got caught. A few days later he said it felt good to get all of that out in the open b/c it was killing him and he was losing sleep. So he is ok but I am supposed to suffer?

The thing I am most angry at is myself. When I met him I told him that cheating and lies were automatic deal breakers for me. And I look like a coward and like I'm desperate and have no respect for myself b/c I stayed.

I am in IC now but just as of two weeks ago b/c I finally felt like a break down was coming and I got worried for my health.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 7th (Monday)

he wants reconciliation so bad but doesn't want to talk about it and gets so angry if I bring it up or if something triggers me and makes me sad.

He doesn't want true reconciliation. He wants you to shut up, rugsweep and allow him to go on doing whatever he wants without consequence.

he is the love of my life and I don't want to let go.

Do you believe you can continue to live like this? I think not. It will only get worse for you and then what will you do? It's better to take 2 years to get better than to waste 2 more years with somebody who doesn't care about how you feel.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13692 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 7th (Monday)

The thing I am most angry at is myself. When I met him I told him that cheating and lies were automatic deal breakers for me. And I look like a coward and like I'm desperate and have no respect for myself b/c I stayed.

This too is normal. Many of us (myself included) struggle with this daily.

You say you love him. Maybe you do. But love needs to be a two-way street. He doesn't sound very remorseful. He doesn't sound like he understands your pain. He doesn't sound like he can help you through this the way that someone who truly loves you would want to. YOUR pain should be killing HIM, and he should want to do everything he can help you.

IC is good. It will help. Make sure that you have found a good one. If it doesn't seem like you an the IC 'click', or that you can't really talk to them, don't be afraid to look for another IC.

Take some time for yourself. It sounds like all of your energy is wrapped up in your relationship and your hope that it can be saved. Your energy needs to be focused on you right now, on getting your head straight. Look up the 180 - it might be a good thing for you to start practicing.

I know your pain, and it is awful. Take care.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Sad  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 7th (Monday)

YOUR pain should be killing HIM, and he should want to do everything he can help you.

Anytime we have talked about the betrayal/situation he gets angry and then will end up saying he is sorry but that he wants and move on and not talk about it anymore. He always says "I have answered all of your questions and we have gone over and over this". But the truth is he never handled it correctly from the beginning so I agree, it sometimes seems like he is only interested in freeing his mind of the guilt but is selfish when it comes to helping me. Just recently (now a year after D-day) he is starting to say that he wants to do whatever he can to help me (b/c I think my recent health scare (panic, anxiety attacks, signs of breakdown) scared him. He also now says that he beats himself up about this daily and is embarrassed and hates that he hurt me but to me they are just words b/c his actions do not show that he wants to help me.

I do love him very much but also confused with my feelings. I think I love what we "had". I'm scared of the starting over with a possible other person. The whole thing about trusting someone again, letting someone in, sharing myself with someone else makes me feel ill.

Now when I say to him that I still don't trust him and that I am confused about our future he talks to me as if he thinks I'm crazy and says "what is wrong with you?", "why are you still talking about this", "am I just wasting my time trying to make things right with you". It kills me when he responds this way. He will NEVER know what this did to me. I would NEVER put someone through this kind of pain.

I have read through the 180 and wish I would have done it a year ago.

You are right, all of my energy has been wrapped up in this and I have lost myself in the process.

Sometimes I do think about just ending it and working on repairing my broken heart. But then I think of how painful it will be to go through the heartbreak of knowing it is over, having to grieve that loss. And when I think about the possibility of him moving on and having the life we were supposed to have with another girl it makes me sick. I'm so angry that this happened to me.

Thank you for your reply and I too am very sorry for your pain.

I don't wish this on anyone.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Sometimes I do think about just ending it and working on repairing my broken heart. But then I think of how painful it will be to go through the heartbreak of knowing it is over, having to grieve that loss. And when I think about the possibility of him moving on and having the life we were supposed to have with another girl it makes me sick. I'm so angry that this happened to me.

I'm not counseling you to end it; that is your call.... but:

Leaving a relationship hurts like hell, but it gets better. It is something that can heal. Being in limbo (which is where you are right now), doesn't heal. It is just a small pit of hell that you end up stuck in, unable to move forward, unable to move backward. The regrets, the pain, the anger, the resentment, everything... they are part of limbo. Part of feeling stuck.

You're probably not in a good place to make a decision to leave right now, but that also means that you're not in a good place to make a decision to stay. Thus... limbo. In your IC sessions, get inside that... talk about being in limbo. You need to put in place some boundaries for yourself. What can you tolerate and what can't you tolerate, and then use them as part of getting yourself out of limbo. Hashing out all of the old issues over and over again doesn't accomplish anything. Once you know your boundaries, those things that you really need from your significant other, write them down and give them to him. Tell him "This is what I need from you, or I can't stay." It takes strength to do that, but it is a big part of taking control of your life and figuring out what you want and where you want to be.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Sometimes I do think about just ending it and working on repairing my broken heart. But then I think of how painful it will be to go through the heartbreak of knowing it is over, having to grieve that loss. And when I think about the possibility of him moving on and having the life we were supposed to have with another girl it makes me sick. I'm so angry that this happened to me.

you are still early on. Believe it or not a year is not enough time to get past something like this. But, I say this gently. If he is not going to help you to heal, you will never get past it. If this is rug swept like he wants it to be he will most likely do it again and again. So instead of grieving the loss of him and watching him take up with this OW. You will be in a one sided open relationship (possibly). He doesn't seem to care about how sad you are. He cares about himself and quite possibly protecting this girl. If you begin to try and fix your broken heart, then he may see that and worry about losing you. Right now, he is only worried about protecting what is left of his secrets. I am so sorry you are here. (((HUGS)))


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 7th (Monday)

ontheslope,

You are right, I am stuck in limbo. My biggest problem is that I NEVER got the answers to my questions. I have suspicions that there is a lot more that went on that I even know about. I never got the chance to have a civilized conversation with him and get my questions answered. The details are important for me to heal. What I do know plays like a movie in my head. I feel like we haven't made any progress b/c he thinks I should just be over this by now so he won't talk about it and I'm still hurting deeply on my end.

I agree with you. It is time to take control of my life and work on getting out of limbo and make a decision that is healthy and best for me.

Thank you for your responses.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Josephine01,

Thank you for your response, it was very validating to me to hear that I am not crazy or wrong for still feeling this way one year after D-day. I am made to feel that way by him but to me some days it is still so new and the feelings are still so raw.

He actually doesn't protect her. It felt that way in the beginning but now he says he can't stand her and wishes he would have never met her. He says he hasn't had contact with her since the weekend I found out. I still find it hard to believe that she hasn't contacted him (like he says) or that he hasn't contacted her. He says he is glad it all came out b/c he really didn't want to be with her but stayed in it with her b/c she always threatened him that she would tell me so he stayed so she would not tell me.

He believes she hasn't called him b/c I called her the day after I found out. When I called her I didn't even yell at her or call her names. I was shaking and in tears when I called her. I was my typical classy self and some days I regret that I didn't tell her exactly how I felt and ask more questions. I told her I knew about their situation and told her that I loved this man and asked her to stay away b/c if she didn't we would have no chance at reconciliation. To that she said, you sound like such a nice girl and woman to woman I am telling you that I will not contact him.

She told me that she loved him but that he never told her that he loved her but that he did say he had feelings for her and got jealous when she would sleep with other men (b/c she was not in a committed relationship). She even said that he would say to her that he loved me and wasn't going to end things with me. She said once she realized that, she fell out of love with him and then it was just sex and hanging out, etc. and that he hurt her deeply. But he denied all of this of course.

Anyway the thing that haunts me the most is whether or not they still email and private chat and text and I have no way of knowing for sure.

[This message edited by silentheart at 11:58 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
want2seelight
New Member
Member # 40733
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I jumped when I saw the title of the post. I and all of the BS would connect to this. I feel as if even If I make this through but still a part of me is gone forever. The turmoil which went and is still going on has just aged me somehow. I feel just blown away by all this.

We are all here to share each others pain here. SILENTHEART I cannot give you much of an advice because I am not successfully reconciled but what I do know is that one has to make the hard decisions- decisions that may seem hard now but pay off later. You love that man and maybe you always will. I know walking away is not easy and really, I am no one to tell you do that but if you're gonna stay and suffer like this- this suffering is going to much much worse than the ain you'll expererience from staying away from him.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)

There are two options that I can think of that would enable you to remain mentally healthy.

#1 Get counseling (bad counselor doesn't count), leave BF if he isn't remorseful and repair your broken heart by being kind to yourself..You can't get back the years that you feel were wasted..

#2 If you stayed because the relationship is reconcilable, embrace that reason and don't feel stupid because you stayed..

It is horrible to feel like you are stuck in the wrong home, wrong relationship, wrong job, wrong place in life, etc...

The years of feeling stuck in a horrible limbo can burn at a person's soul until there is nothing left but ashes


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2011
silentheart
Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Thank you both for your replies. I am tired of suffering. I hate the timing of things. My BF acted like an A** most of this past year anytime I had a question or brought it up. He just wanted to put it to the side and move on. Easy for him to say! Now with me recently going to counseling for the first time and having to relive some of this he is appearing to be nervous like he worries that I will decide to just move on. So NOW he is saying things like he knows he didn't handle it right and he wants to help me heal so I'm going to be prepared with some things I have read on here (getting complete honesty, insuring NC, etc) and see if he is willing. If not then I have to move on for myself. Even if he is willing I don't think I can ever 100% trust him again and that part sucks. It's not fair to have to walk around with butterflies in my stomach everyday wondering if he is telling me the truth or not. I hate it!

[This message edited by silentheart at 5:43 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

You need to start the process of pulling away, withdrawing in order to protect yourself. With his truncated remorse [4 days!] he doesn't sound like someone you could ever fully trust again and you do need to learn to not fully commit yourself to relationships; keep something back.

The long-term abuse he has delivered is going to make it difficult to forgive and silent heart you have to learn not to care so much. In order to make rational decisions which are in your best interests, you simply cannot afford to hand over your heart in this manner to someone whose actions do not merit such a gift.

Start by inching your way out of this relationship, like removing a band-aid slowly. Make it as painless as possible until you have the strength to leave. He doesn't deserve you; now you have to convince yourself of that.

Quite simply, he has betrayed you in a profound manner and you need to strongly consider leaving this relationship. If you believe in yourself with appropriate self-esteem you would not be so ready to bestow forgiveness.

Ask yourself, if this happened to one of your friends wouldn't your suggestion be 'leave the bastard'? Well, take your own advice.

[This message edited by OK now at 9:22 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

welcome Silentheart - You have been spending the past year in a limbo land that basically halts any progress and healing.

You have made several points, that I would like you to stop and consider as an outsider. If this were your sister, if this were your best friend, or even if this were your daughter, what would you say, do, and encourage them to do.

You BF has DONE ZERO to show ownership of his actions. He is not remorseful, he is only sorry he was caught, and now is panicking because you are starting to get strong.

You said
" But at the same time he is the love of my life and I don't want to let go."
My response - Gently but with brutal honesty - NO he is not the love of your life. If he were he would have never done this to, I'm not talking about the A, I'm talking about the rugsweeping get over it bullshit he has pulled for a year. The love of your life would never make you feel the things you feel, shame, embarassement, that you may be crazy, that you are inferior in some way because you can't just let it go.

You know why you can't let it go? Because you know you deserve more, and that without properly dealing with this you are setting yoruself up for a repeat.

13 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

YOU also stated
"I'm scared of the starting over with a possible other person. The whole thing about trusting someone again, letting someone in, sharing myself with someone else makes me feel ill. "

I'm sure it does, but you need to focus on you, you need to get strong, and you need to know that you can be happy, fufilled, and perfectly content with just you. A person who is strong, and fully formed, needs NO ONE to "complete" them, therefore that person will never settle for anything less than what they deserve. Don't worry about future relationships, you have a lot of work to do to heal yourself, and becoming a fufilled individual, when that happens, the right person will seeimingly jus fall into your life, and if they don't you won't care.


You also stated:
" I think of how painful it will be to go through the heartbreak of knowing it is over, having to grieve that loss. And when I think about the possibility of him moving on and having the life we were supposed to have with another girl it makes me sick. I'm so angry that this happened to me."

Yah be angry, it will give you strength, and purpose. Also know that if he moves on to another, he will not give them the life you think you two were supposed to have, because he has done ZERO to figure out why he did this, and has been less than willing to support you, and heal himself. HE will repeat this over and over until he does the hard work that he hast to do to figure out why he did it, and why he allowed himself to rugsweep it.

In many ways you are still at Dday when it comes to healing and repairing yourself, and your relationship. I am not telling you to leave, I am not telling you to stay. What I am saying is you deserve much more in a relatioinship. Until you demand it you won't get it. To get to that point, where you are comfortable demanding it, you need to work on you. IC is a great starting point.

Focus on making you happy, put you first, he certainly hasn't. Focus on understanding that you can and will be more. When you are ready, you then tell him what you need to make your R work, and if he gets it at all, he will do whatever it takes, not just say it, but do it, to make it all work, and if not, he was never worth your love in the first place.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8068 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
minniemouse51
New Member
Member # 39981
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Our stories are very similar. Not married but been together almost 15 years. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how he couldn't live without me even during the affair. We lived together for about 5 years then I had to move in with my mom and he had to move in with his son.After the moves he started to go out with his best friend to the bars,which he had never done before. His friend has a different woman every night,but I trusted my WBF. I had no reason to think otherwise. He bought me a car in April 2012. In May we went to NC for a week. In July we went for a long weekend. Everything seemed normal. March 6 2013 I found a video of he and the OW having sex on his computer. Of course he said it only happened once. Anyway I found more pictures and videos.I found out the affair went on for a year. I wouldn't see him or have any contact with him for 2 weeks. At first he told me I answered all your questions,I fucked up, I made a mistake, what can I do about it, now drop it.I heard this a million times. Finally after all these months he has seen what this did to me and he has started to be more open with me. I was about to give up and leave.I now have access to all accounts,and I have all the passwords.I still don't trust him,I don't know if I ever will.He has finally apologized sincerely. He offered to go to counseling or Whatever it takes so I don't leave him. It has taken quite a while but things are getting better. I still have days where I can't stop thinking about the betrayal and I cry all day. He used to tell me , It's over with her get over it, now he just holds me and lets me yell at him. I'm still not sure how this will work out,but he is at least trying now.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 16