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User Topic: procrastination/expectations
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 7th (Monday)

So my H has always been a major procrastinator. We met in professional school and he always left his studying until the last minute (and then would fall asleep). I literally had to kick him out of bed to get him to go finish his research. As time has gone on I found that if I would remind him or ask him about what he had promised to do he would get angry, defensive, rationalize, etc. It caused tension in our M. My response was typically to just do things myself or hire someone to do it, or live with the consequences. If it was really important I would try to gently bring it up.

In other words, I adapted.

When we first went to MC (prior to DDay #2) I was angered when my H told the MC that I would sometimes make him feel badly that I criticized him. Considering how little he did and how little I "nagged" him, I really felt like he was reaching. I even think on some level he used this as a tiny bit of rationalization for his A (SHE of course thought he was perfect...at first). He truly could not handle criticism on any level.

Now that all the truth is finally out and he understands why he was so oversensitive and how I was actually a model wife considering how selfish and self-centered he was, well now there is still the procrastination.

And now I am unwilling to accept his excuses. We have talked about this in MC and even came up with a plan. He would give me a time limit ( I will do X this week) and I would not ask him about it; he would let me know when it was done.

Except when it's not.

Last week he promised he would try to get coverage for our big 25th anniversary trip in December. Big deal. I can't do this for him. And we can't go if he has no coverage. He knows this is making me anxious. Promised he would do it "this week" (by which he actually meant Monday through Friday).

So all week I did not ask him. Saturday he took the day "off" and laid around and watched tv and ate ice cream. I said nothing. Sunday I worked all day and on the way home we were talking and he told me about his day. Finally, without my prodding, he did say that he still had not written the necessary email (which by the way took 15 minutes max) but surely it didn't make a difference if he waited until tomorrow morning. Okay then I lost it. When I expressed my displeasure on the phone he just stopped answering me. So I said good bye and hung up.

When I got home I let him know that I was angry. He immediately got defensive and started rationalizing, which caused me to get a bit triggery. Yikes. He finally apologized and said he would do it tonight (which he said was "technically" still this week so why wasn't I happy?). But I wasn't satisfied. I wanted to delve into how it was okay with him to not live up to his obligations, especially as we had an agreement and he knew I was anxious. He accused me of trying to change him and not being happy with who he was. Yada, fricking yada.

Finally he got to the place where he said that he was sorry (and meant it) and that he would really work on the procrastination and keeping working, since it was a lifelong habit and would be hard to change overnight.

But he also said that it bothered him that I just wouldn't let things go, especially when it was making him uncomfortable. That he was hoping to have a fun, sex filled night and it had been ruined. My response was that I was done with just letting things go. And that sometimes having a hard discussion is more important than being happy right that moment. And that conversations that make him uncomfortable are often the very ones we needed to be having.

This morning everything is fine. And he did write the email last night. And I researched books on procrastination and sent a link to him, for which he thanked me. (How do you get a procrastinator to read a book on procrastination? And yes I know that he should be ordering his own damn book!)

So, mostly I am ranting. But also wondering if anyone has advice on working on this or other long term problems during R.

Thanks for listening.

eta; wow, sorry that was so long!

[This message edited by catlover50 at 10:37 AM, October 7th (Monday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Oh, I am right there with you.

My WH can be a major procrastinator too. He can always find something more pleasurable to be doing. Not to say he isn't a hard worker when he applies himself, but OMG. And like you, I adapted. I have some procrastination tendencies myself.

But how to get them not to procrastinate on the important stuff (like figuring out how to fix our M), IDK. I can't wait forever. And I won't.

I researched books on procrastination and sent a link to him, for which he thanked me. (How do you get a procrastinator to read a book on procrastination?)

OK, this ^^^ made me laugh out loud this morning. Thank you for that....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 7th (Monday)

But he also said that it bothered him that I just wouldn't let things go, especially when it was making him uncomfortable.

My response was that I was done with just letting things go. And that sometimes having a hard discussion is more important than being happy right that moment. And that conversations that make him uncomfortable are often the very ones we needed to be having.

This could be my XH and I, except he was the BS.

To be fair, we are both procrastinators in our relationship. But he needs to be working on some very important things right now that are vital to our future, that he's not doing. Any comment on this and I get quote #1 above, almost verbatim.

I have no advice. I'd like some myself.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 7th (Monday)

Thanks, ladies, for commiserating!

I did get my H to read some books and write me a very nice narrative on his "whys", but it took some nagging. At one point he told me (passive aggressively) that he had planned to work out, do this or that, but if I wanted him to he would drop everything and work on "what I wanted him to work on" (this was months ago, before he was really "getting it"). I said, "fine--do that." He was taken aback. Always before I would cave.

And he spent hours reading, writing, answering questions I had written. Then we talked for two more hours. One of the first times I stood my ground and it worked.

So now it's more the day to day stuff that he still struggles with. But I am still standing my ground.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Garnet
Member
Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 7th (Monday)

This is exactly my marriage!!! The only thing we ever fought about was him NOT doing things he needed to get done to run a family of 5 and a house and 3 dogs!!! Always saying he would, but no follow through!! After his affair was found out, he was diagnosed with ADD, Narcolapsy( sp?). He can never stay on task no matter what he is doing, which made life very difficult when I was doing everything for everyone including picking up the slack for him and all his business stuff( he is self employed). We r trying to put this mess back together, not an easy task!!!

Maybe you should have Ur significant other evaluated by a good neurologist???


Garnet☀

Posts: 82 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
HormonalWoman
Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 7th (Monday)

My wh is a class A procrastinator. It took him two years to read 'not just friends'. I recently asked him to read another book about ADD, who knows how long that will take

But, it's a huge issue. I want him to take the initiative and lead with rebuilding our marriage and he's apparently full of ideas, but never manages to see them through leaving me frustrated and feeling our relationship is just not that important to him


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 7th (Monday)

So, yes, this does make R harder if they procrastinate on doing the work. But it is also a lifelong "strategy" that likely is not easy to change.

Sure would be nice if someone popped in here with a story of how they got past this!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 7