So my H has always been a major procrastinator. We met in professional school and he always left his studying until the last minute (and then would fall asleep). I literally had to kick him out of bed to get him to go finish his research. As time has gone on I found that if I would remind him or ask him about what he had promised to do he would get angry, defensive, rationalize, etc. It caused tension in our M. My response was typically to just do things myself or hire someone to do it, or live with the consequences. If it was really important I would try to gently bring it up.
In other words, I adapted.
When we first went to MC (prior to DDay #2) I was angered when my H told the MC that I would sometimes make him feel badly that I criticized him. Considering how little he did and how little I "nagged" him, I really felt like he was reaching. I even think on some level he used this as a tiny bit of rationalization for his A (SHE of course thought he was perfect...at first). He truly could not handle criticism on any level.
Now that all the truth is finally out and he understands why he was so oversensitive and how I was actually a model wife considering how selfish and self-centered he was, well now there is still the procrastination.
And now I am unwilling to accept his excuses. We have talked about this in MC and even came up with a plan. He would give me a time limit ( I will do X this week) and I would not ask him about it; he would let me know when it was done.
Except when it's not.
Last week he promised he would try to get coverage for our big 25th anniversary trip in December. Big deal. I can't do this for him. And we can't go if he has no coverage. He knows this is making me anxious. Promised he would do it "this week" (by which he actually meant Monday through Friday).
So all week I did not ask him. Saturday he took the day "off" and laid around and watched tv and ate ice cream. I said nothing. Sunday I worked all day and on the way home we were talking and he told me about his day. Finally, without my prodding, he did say that he still had not written the necessary email (which by the way took 15 minutes max) but surely it didn't make a difference if he waited until tomorrow morning. Okay then I lost it. When I expressed my displeasure on the phone he just stopped answering me. So I said good bye and hung up.
When I got home I let him know that I was angry. He immediately got defensive and started rationalizing, which caused me to get a bit triggery. Yikes. He finally apologized and said he would do it tonight (which he said was "technically" still this week so why wasn't I happy?). But I wasn't satisfied. I wanted to delve into how it was okay with him to not live up to his obligations, especially as we had an agreement and he knew I was anxious. He accused me of trying to change him and not being happy with who he was. Yada, fricking yada.
Finally he got to the place where he said that he was sorry (and meant it) and that he would really work on the procrastination and keeping working, since it was a lifelong habit and would be hard to change overnight.
But he also said that it bothered him that I just wouldn't let things go, especially when it was making him uncomfortable. That he was hoping to have a fun, sex filled night and it had been ruined. My response was that I was done with just letting things go. And that sometimes having a hard discussion is more important than being happy right that moment. And that conversations that make him uncomfortable are often the very ones we needed to be having.
This morning everything is fine. And he did write the email last night. And I researched books on procrastination and sent a link to him, for which he thanked me. (How do you get a procrastinator to read a book on procrastination? And yes I know that he should be ordering his own damn book!)
So, mostly I am ranting. But also wondering if anyone has advice on working on this or other long term problems during R.
Thanks for listening.
eta; wow, sorry that was so long!