Wayward Side
User Topic: Can't Stop....
New Member
Member # 40805
Stop  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 7th (Monday)

thinking about the OM. I don't know why and I don't know what to do.

My H and I went away to a B&B this weekend. It was a lot of fun and we had a great time, but I couldn't stop thinking about him.

I love my H very much, but I do miss the OM. I miss talking to him. I miss texting with him. We did this every day for many, many years and it's extremely hard for me right now.

I know with time it will (and I hope!) get better, but I'm having a very rough time now.

I'll be seeing my therapist on Wednesday so I'm hoping by talking to her about it, I will feel better about things.

Believe me, I know that it's for the best that we are not together anymore, but it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

All I want is to stop thinking about him.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 7th (Monday)

It will get better with time.

Have you tried redirecting your thoughts to other things when OM enters your mind? Deliberate, conscious replacement of an undesirable thought with a better one works very well, I've found.

Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"

Posts: 2089 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I try to keep busy, but he's always on my mind. I thought by going away this weekend with my H would help me, and even though I had a great time with my H, the OM was always in my thoughts.

Like I said, it's only been two weeks since we ended our relationship. I know I have to give it some time to feel better, but it just hurts so much now.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Hi BrooklynGirl

If I remember correctly you have not told your BS about your affair.
(If I'm mistaken, ignore my comments)

thinking about the OM. I don't know why and I don't know what to do.

You do know what to do, come clean and face the consequences.

It will be hard, but if you want to stop pining for the OM, that'll do it.

Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Have to agree with SlowUptake.

You want to quit missing him then come clean with your BH and his BW.

BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 432 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

^^^ Yep.

FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

^^^ Couldn't agree more.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?

Posts: 6125 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I agree also. It's time to shed light on this darkness you have been living. There is nothing but sadness and frustration staying there. However bringing this out in the open is going to be rough, but it's needed. You will continue to pine and whine for this home wrecker until you see how destructive and heartbreaking this relationship was/is for you as well as your family.

Breaking up from any relationship can be painful, even a toxic one, however romanticizing a toxic one will continually keep you in a place where you and your marriage will never move forward.

Start being truthful and honest..start now because your life..right not what it seems to your husband. He has no idea he is living with someone deceptive. That's not fair to him and that's not fair to you or your family.

Time to get it right

The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2480 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

agreed as well.

FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5824 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
New Member
Member # 37525
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

You really need to come clean. Letting go will take time but you have to focus on other things. I kept telling myself my OM knew I was married and if he gave a s*#& about me he would have left well enough alone. He was only in it for himself. I looked at the negative aspect of him and concentrated on fixing myself and the problems i thought were in my marriage and the positive things in my husband.

Me: fww 39
Him: bh 50
together 19 years
married 17 years
dday 8/2003
two beautiful kiddos

Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: blessedbyluck
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I agree with all of them. You NEED to tell your husband. First and formost.

Every bit of happiness he is having. Every smile, every laugh, every kiss, every touch, ect. May be genuine to him. But everything you are doing isn't as long as you have this hidden.

Right now you haven't had any fall out other than losing your "BF" who clearly didn't care that you are gone because he's found someone new.

There are lots of reasons why you miss him and one is because your husband (the guy you promised forever with and to be with only him forever) doesn't know that its not him you care about, but some guy hours away. But you are also not eating crow because of what you've done.

You need to put him first. And his needs far in front of yours. With that said. You need to tell him. We can't help you much without that being done.

Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2013
New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I agree with everyone. I know I need to tell my H about my A. But where do I start? What do I say to him? This was not a ONS. This was not for one week or one month or even a year. This went on for many, many years.

I AM VERY AFRAID to tell him, but I know that I have to. I just don't know where to begin.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I just don't know where to begin

At the beginning.

I know how scary that is. I had to tell my BS about an A I had way early in our relationship. It was terrifying, I had NO idea how he would react, but I knew I had to tell even if he left.

Would you be more comfortable to tell him in front of your IC? It might be strange, but it's a thought.

FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
New Member
Member # 40805
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I thought about possibly telling my H when I see my IC. But then I don't know. Maybe just having someone else there when I tell him would make it easier for me. I just don't know. I'm so confused right now.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Why confused? What's confusing you?

Me: FWS 45

Divorced and still trying to figure out why I was so crazy for so long. I do know this however: lies and deception lead to unhappiness.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

You're BH will have more respect for you for confessing. Whether in a controlled environment or you two alone. He may wish you never told him, but the point is why have a marriage with a secret of this magnitude? You are putting on a show right now. Acting as if everything is ok when you are with him, meanwhile this horrible dark cloud is churning within you.
Bringing it to the light negates it of it's strength.
You are depressed, sad, hurt and mourning the loss of an inappropriate relationship.

And telling your BH will be a whole other rollercoaster ride. You could very well lose him, but that's a 13 year risk you took. He deserves to know what kind of relationship he has been in and he deserves to know if he wants to stay in it.

A marriage can last only so long when it is founded on lies.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 2:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2480 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 16