SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Going from Surviving Infidelity to Surviving Divorce
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone who posted on my threads last week and who have posted on my threads in the past. Boy is this a journey. Sometimes I relate too much to those Lifetime Movies.

Just wanted to add a few things on here about how this site has helped me:

-Crickets! I can't say that I didn't respond to some of WS' emails, but he was pushing those buttons (you know, the ones he installed) and I let him get to me.

He tried to say he thought I wasn't mentally sound right now, he threw in some comments about how he had been neglected for years, I constricted his time with his son when I insisted on picking him up from the in-laws instead of having him bring him to me at 9 or 10 every night , I'm cruel, blah, blah, blah, blah.....I did respond to some of these with just a repeat of what I've been saying, and I did have to say: If you want to talk about cruelty, look in the mirror. By years of neglect you must be referring to the years you've spent drunk at [bar]. I also threw in a lot of, you know where we live, you can visit DS anytime. I have some concerns about your alcoholism...etc. All of it is the truth, but he's so stupid he's just solidifying my case.

Right now Crickets is my best friend. I keep asking my ATTY, do I have to respond to this? If it's about DS, then yes. But I took everyone's advice....his emails go in a separate folder, and I don't answer anything for 24 hours.

-Atty is liking how I'm responding to things and giving me more advice. I gave her the heads up that we are dealing with an Alcoholic/NPD and he's probably going to make this very difficult. I'm hoping he's so damn broke he won't be able to afford going to court.

-I'm doing what everyone on here has told me to do. Keep my cards close to my chest. Stop dealing with this person like they are my friend or the person I married. This guy cheated on me, abandoned me, has never taken care of his son, and is now upset because he lost control of me. I was supposed to stay where I was and keep paying his parents for daycare while he cut off the only financial support he was giving me. My favorite quote from his emails is "I'm not a bank or a babysitter." You are so right asshat!

-My Attorney was impressed with all of the advice I garnered on this site.

Kudos to you all...I know I can go from Surviving infidelity to surviving divorce. This isn't the outcome I wanted, but now that I have some distance I can see how I was in an impossible situation. I kept wanting to see the man I married in the man who mistreated the mother of his child and left her and a 10 day old baby high and dry.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:42 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

So hopeful! I love this. And I love how you're transforming SI into SD. I'm gonna keep that in my head today, too!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8735 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Mine is totally broke too with $20k in cerdit card debt and being sued by an ex-client. There is no way he can afford a lawyers's retainer. I have changed he passwords on all accounts and put everything of value out of his reach. That is my best hope of getting a dissolution.... We shall see.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I'm so glad to read this, NewMom. The D/S crew really knows its stuff. Sounds like you're in good hands with your lawyer, too.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22548 | Registered: Aug 2011
jackfish
Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Excellent topic NM02220 !

I like your quote about keeping cards close to your chest. I am a poker player. I was thinking one night that a metaphor of what I'm dealing with here (the wayward one), is to play it out like a poker game. Watch for the bluffs, the bets, the outs. Bet, call, check, or fold. And that said, I have lotsa trump cards I haven't even come close to pulling out yet, but they're there if or when I need them (hopefully I don't, but I tell my self, beware!).

Surviving Separation/Divorce IS a different beast than the infidelity. To this day, I still find it amazing that I should have to ""survive"" ANY of this bullshit. I, and my two sons did not deserve this. But, soldier on!


Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I kept wanting to see the man I married in the man who mistreated the mother of his child and left her and a 10 day old baby high and dry.

It takes us all a while to believe what our eyes are seeing. Especially if we've become master gaslighters of ourselves during the course of the M.

You and your son are safe and surrounded by support. That is all that matters.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4499 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I freaking LOVE this post!!

You are the poster child for what NO CONTACT can do for you.

I am so proud of you.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5288 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

NewMom,
This is great! You're on your way!! Very proud of your strength. It's all about you and your son now!! Yay :)


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

NewMom, you have come so far in such a short space of time.

You, my darling, are amazing. What an incredible role model for your son.


Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Really good to read your post, New Mom. You have the advantage of SI and the wealth of experience that comes with it. Your moving back home was a smart move, the BEST move. You went from defense to offense in quick time. It's far better to ACT than to REACT. I spent several months reacting and it got me nowhere; the abyss only grew. You're on your way to a better place. Continue to place your son and yourself at the top of your list. Kudos to you, New Mom !


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 10