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Wayward Side
User Topic: She says We're done
cantgoback
Member
Member # 20747
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I am not sure if there is anything I can do. I am the WS. I have a sexual addiction that leads me to porn and "cheating" websites. I have never met anyone for sex outside of my marriage. My addiction caused me to ignore the family - to withdraw from them. I finally realized that I had a problem when she said we are done. I know she is quite decided on divorce, but this is the last thing I want to happen in my life. Is there anything I can do to save my marriage?


Me - WS 43
BS - 43 (hurtattheshore)
M - 14 years in October
2 Wonderful Children
2 Very Sweet Dogs

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: brick nj
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Have you sought professional help for your issues? If not, I would start there. She can't have faith in you if you aren't proactively doing anything to address your issues.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

When I was done with my sex addict husband I was done in every sense of the word. There was nothing he could do to win me back (not that he ever tried).

Most spouses of sex addicts have at the least co-dependent or enabling tendencies. It takes a lot, a LOT, to get us to give up & seek divorce. We bend over backwards, we sell our souls, we give up who we are as human beings, in an attempt to save our marriage. For us to be pushed to the point that we are done is truly monumental.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9313 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

The only thing you can control is you. Unfortunately divorce may be the consequence you face because of your betrayal.

I have never met anyone for sex outside of my marriage.

This sounds like you are minimising. In my situation it was not the sex it was the continual lies that killed any respect or love for him. Betrayal is betrayal, PA or not, it still hurts and by design kills relationships.

My addiction caused me to ignore the family

Whilst the first step to any addiction is admitting you have one this reads as blameshifting and not accepting responsibility. You acknowledge you have a problem now you need to do the work to fix yourself.

You might not be able to save your marriage but you can chose to be a better person who is a safe person in future relationships. Whether that is with your wife or not. At the end of the day you will be the one who has to live with YOU. Who do you want to be?


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

She might very well be done, that is a consequence of your choices. For yourself find a CSAT and go to SA meetings. Really, do you want to continue to live the hellish life that you are?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

CGB, it's been 5 years since you registered here. 5 years! I'm going to assume that you've continued with the porn and cheating websites and the insistence that it was *ok* because you weren't cheating EVEN THOUGH your BW was indicating that your behavior was a problem. You waited until she finally is backed into a corner and says that "she's done", to even acknowledge that there's a problem.

And now that you realize that you have an issue, your first question isn't over in WayWard looking for guidance on how to go about tackling fixing *you* -- it's here. Asking how to save your marriage.

Dude, she's probably at the point where she wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire. Heck. She'd most likely give the firemen the wrong location. I'm really sorry and I take no joy in saying those words to you. But man. The only thought that's in my head is that perhaps you should have acted as if divorce was the last thing you wanted.....sooner. I'm sure that your BW has been giving you the *heads-up warning* that if you continued your behavior that a divorce was going to happen. Why didn't you believe her?

IMO, you can't want to save the marriage, you have to want to save *you* and make yourself a better and safer partner. You can't stop her from filing for a D. Even if she does file for D, the process doesn't necessarily have to end in a final divorce. The process can be suspended or stopped at any time.

Put your energy into fixing you and let the chips fall where they may....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 1:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cantgoback
Member
Member # 20747
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I am attending SA meetings and I see a therapist. We are still living together but she posted that she hates it. I don't know what I should do but I sure don't want to give up on my marriage!

My behavior has been on and off for the last 5 years. Mostly off until the last year. I should have thought of the ultimate consequence, but did not. I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me, and I am working hard at changing my ways. I never realized the power of my addiction....

[This message edited by cantgoback at 1:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me - WS 43
BS - 43 (hurtattheshore)
M - 14 years in October
2 Wonderful Children
2 Very Sweet Dogs

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: brick nj
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Dude, did you do this?

FROM YOUR WIFE'S PROFILE: I also found he attempted to put me up on craigstlist for free.

[i]to a good home: Wife, used twice, does not wish to be used anymore. Great cook, excellent cleaning, will deal well with awful relatives. [/i]

For real? And you're here asking for help in this forum? RYFKM?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9313 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I never realized the power of my addiction....

Again I will state just stop, stop playing the 'whoa as me card'. You did this (repeatedly) and only you can fix you.

You seem to think you only now have an 'addiction' because she has finally decided divorce is the only option left to her.

2x4 - I don't see any remorse in your posts, only a pity party that consequences to your stable and secure life are now threatened.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

It doesn't sound like you have been doing anything to make your wife feel safe with you.

That CL post is a huge sign of disrespect. Do you really love your wife or is she just a piece of convenient meat for you?

Why have you gone back to your old ways?


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2012
cantgoback
Member
Member # 20747
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I do have great remorse. I realize I caused my wife a great deal of pain. I wish I could take everything I ever did and throw it in the trash, but I can't.

I went back to my old ways of trolling the internet when I got the sense that she no longer wanted to be with me (this was about a year ago, and she was not thinking of divorce then). I was wrong to go there, thinking that somehow my addiction would help solve all of the hurt I thought I was feeling. The truth is I have done nothing to deserve her - she is not just a piece of meat to me, I love her but never did the things I needed to do to make her feel loved.

[This message edited by cantgoback at 2:14 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me - WS 43
BS - 43 (hurtattheshore)
M - 14 years in October
2 Wonderful Children
2 Very Sweet Dogs

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: brick nj
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I finally realized that I had a problem when she said we are done.

Gently, are you realizing that you have problem or are you just worried that the status quo is about to change?

My STBXWH knew after the first A that if I found he cheated again that our marriage was over. Guess what? He cheated again. And, I had to leave. I couldn't stay and keep living the life that he wanted to force on me. Your BW has reached the point where your continued betrayals are just too much.

Focus on you. Let her focus on what is best for her and accept the fact that what she feels is best for her may not include being married to you anymore.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

so what does your remorse look like? What actions have backed up your words?

It is not coming through here, not to say it doesn't exist. You don't have to reply, its really a question for yourself to answer to you and your wife.

Just saw your ETA so ETA of my own - You have not fixed the poor coping skills you had so it is understandable that your wife does not feel safe. My questions if I was your BS would be - why is it different THIS time, why should I believe you THIS time.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 2:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

My husband used to say out loud that he acknowledged he caused me pain, that he did things he shouldn't have done. His words didn't mean diddly-squat.

Oh, in the beginning I believed him. He could cry on demand. He LOOKED remorseful. He made all kinds of promises. I believed him for years. I fell for it every damn time. All the while, though, he was taking advantage of my trusting nature. He knew that I felt morally bound to forgive him when he asked for it. He knew that my nature was to always look for the best in people, believe the best of people, want to offer chances again & again.

He used me up. He lied to me again & again. He gaslit me to the point where I questioned my own sanity. He minimized what he did, tried to reframe reality, engaged in impression management.

Based on what your wife has written, it sounds like you've treated her just as shitty as my husband treated me in regards to abusing trust, lies, deliberate deception, and disrespect.

Yeah, I think you're done.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9313 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I went back to my old ways of trolling the internet when I got the sense that she no longer wanted to be with me

You're still blame shifting. This isn't remorse. Youwent back to trolling the internet because you wanted to,because you chose to, because it's your default shoddy coping mechanism and because you haven't done the work on yourself. NOT because of anything she did or you thought she did.

After all you've done to her,and the lack of work you've done on yourself after all this time. I'm guessing she really is done.

You had chance after chance and you blew it.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 760 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
cantgoback
Member
Member # 20747
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I am not looking to blame shift,I am really bad at writing on the internet. This is nothing but my fault. I screwed up, I made a bad set of choices, and I have to live with them.

I chose to troll the internet. Period. It was the wrong choice. It is not her fault how I felt inside, my actions are my own fault. I have delusions about how people feel about me.


Me - WS 43
BS - 43 (hurtattheshore)
M - 14 years in October
2 Wonderful Children
2 Very Sweet Dogs

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: brick nj
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Again, I will restate - what are you doing to deal with your 'delusions'? Hand wringing and a pity party don't solve the problem. You need to look deep into yourself. That shit is hard but worth it. Do it for you.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I think that it is a positive step that you are in treatment. Keep working at it.
And let go of the marriage outcome. Worrying about that is only going to distract you and work against your therapy.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Perhaps it would be beneficial to you to post in the Wayward forum. There is a great deal of insight to be gained there, if you're ready and willing to listen.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I went back to my old ways of trolling the internet when I got the sense that she no longer wanted to be with me (this was about a year ago, and she was not thinking of divorce then).

So what I here you say is... When you didn't get what you want out of her you decided that she wasn't worth being faithful for. How is that showing her you love her? If something is worth having/keeping it's worth fighting for and protecting.

When a person in a marriages only reacts to how the other person is treating them and not maintaining a loving standard of care for their spouse the marriage will fail.

I'm going to give you some very simple advice... They teach it to my son in his public school first grade class. I wish more kids were taught this...

Do unto others have you would have them do unto you.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 622 | Registered: Jan 2012
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Moved to Wayward. All BS's, please post in the spirit of this forum from here on out.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36497 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

All you can do at this point is work on you. Understand your choices and learn to choose differently. I believe every addict faces a moment of choice before engaging their addiction. It happens between the trigger and "use."

Now is the time for you to figure out what triggers you and why you choose to deal with it so destructively. You have to be willing to go deep into those painful crevices inside of yourself. Learn everything you can about addiction. Maybe go to AA and do the steps.

Most spouses of sex addicts have at the least co-dependent or enabling tendencies. It takes a lot, a LOT, to get us to give up & seek divorce. We bend over backwards, we sell our souls, we give up who we are as human beings, in an attempt to save our marriage. For us to be pushed to the point that we are done is truly monumental.

I would make this broader to include most spouses of addicts in general. It's 100% correct because love can be incredibly resilient. After everything I went through with my STBX there were still times I would have stayed with him if he had genuinely worked on his issues instead of using them as an excuse for his bad behavior.

Sometimes it takes losing everything, hitting rock bottom, for addicts to see their actions differently. Perhaps it's being left with your own pain that you're most afraid of.

As hard and shameful as it may be, take responsibility for your actions. Start by owning what you've done and seeing it from the other side. You can't solve a problem you don't acknowledge exists.

I wish you the best in your road to recovery. Don't give up.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 390 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
cantgoback
Member
Member # 20747
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks Rainbows.


Me - WS 43
BS - 43 (hurtattheshore)
M - 14 years in October
2 Wonderful Children
2 Very Sweet Dogs

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: brick nj
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

As someone who shares the same situation CGB, I am sorry you are here. As others have said, do what you can to help yourself and make yourself better. There will be good days and bad days. Just try to stay focused and do the work you need. I read Patrick Carnes's Book "Out of the Shadows" and would recommend it as a starting point.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
HurtAtTheShore
Member
Member # 20704
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

Just an update. I am the BW.

We thought we could stay in the house for a few years until our younger son got through high school. It was going to be hard, but we wanted to try for the kids. After a while I realized that it wasn't going to be feasible and started planning for just a few years, at least until our older son graduated high school.

Meanwhile we were playing the happy family. Our immediate families & some close friends knew, but it wasn't like it was broadcast as facebook status. After our families were told, I removed my marital status completely.

I continued to play the good wife even though we had separate bedrooms. I made sure dinner was ready so we could all sit down and eat when he got home from work - I did laundry and didn't even give him a hard time when he was busy and didn't do the things around the house he normally would do, like cleaning or laundry.

For the kids, that is what I kept telling myself. I know that staying together and letting them think what we had was a normal or good marriage would be more damaging than divorcing, but I also felt it was important to remain friends with their father.

We've had separate bank accounts for a a few years so when I messed up my account purchasing sports equipment for our older son, he gave me extra money to cover it. A few days later, after I had money come in, he realized his account was messed up so I gave him money. He needed more than I was able to give him so I took it out of our younger son's account.

Then I even went so far was to drive to his bank (not local) and put it in his account so make sure he didn't incur any fees.

Later that day I learned he had gone to a hooker a week or so before, and paid for at least a blow job.

I was devastated.

Not by the "cheating" because I don't feel it was cheating. But it was a betrayal. He betrayed our trust to provide for his family by taking such a risk. And for taking money from our child to cover his nasty encounter.

He found her on craigslist and went to a slummy town to meet this whore. So much could have happened, at the very least he could have gotten arrested - at worst, he could have gotten killed. But he didn't see that. He only saw his opportunity to get deeper into his addiction. Meanwhile he's telling me he's going to SA meetings and that he feels he's "becoming a man of god" such a joke.

Before he was even remorseful for what he did, he was more concerned about how I found out. I will never tell him how I found out. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off woman.

We are still sharing the house (for financial reasons) but I can't even look at him. And I no longer do anything for him. I provide for me and our kids. To me, he's just a boarder renting a room.

I have a lot of anger over this but am going to therapy and hopefully someday I can let it go and find out what true love is, to know what it feels like to come first and be a priority. In the meantime I'm making sure my sons know that feeling.

He may come here and he may not, I don't care. I didn't say anything here that he does not already know.


Me: BW 43
Him: WS 43 (Cantgoback)
Married: 14 years, together 16
2 boys (15 & 12)
2 Dogs
D-Day 7/31/08 - again 8/24/13
Separated but sharing a house

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 25