Just Found Out
User Topic: 4 weeks in
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by roarlouder at 8:26 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I should add...The openness and answering my questions is disappearing. Mind you, he answered everything in the first week. We had a big fight and I told him to leave, his reply was that I didn't give him a chance to get better. I found old, deleted texts on his phone and he knew so took the phone and wiped it so I can't look at them...He says its because it will only hurt me and he's trying to move on and I won't let him. It has only been a month, I've been blind sided with 10 yrs of BS, and yes I know many, many details. But the signs of wanting to change seem to be getting weaker. I don't know if we should try to have some normal, or I should leave/kick him out. I don't buy the whole SA angle-he is an intelligent adult who made thousands of choices he knew were wrong. Cheated in every relationship he's had since he was 13. Seems like a tough cycle to break.

DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't have any usable advice to share but I want you to know that you have been heard. Hopefully someone will come along that can offer you some insight into what you are facing. In the meantime, be as brave as you can. You're halfway there just by joining here and seeking advice.

There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
New Member
Member # 40919
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

My husband deleted facebook messages and texts, saying the same thing, that he didnt want to hurt me and wanted to move on. I specifically told him i NEEDED to see the texts where he ended things, but he forgot and deleted those.

I'm at the same spot as you. Should I kick him out because we cant talk without me getting royally pissed, or should we try to push through.

For the immediate future Ive told him to go, but now I am worried I am just pushing him off onto the OW, who sounds a lot like this one, a yes person. Why would he want to stay with me, someone who is demanding he own up to what he's done, when he has someone else standing by ready to go along with whatever he says.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
Secrets Kept
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry you are here but this is a great place to be in these circumstances.

IMHO....if you have no kids & as this has been going on your whole marriage, how can you EVER trust anything he says again?

Also, if he has been seeing OW for 5 years, do you really believe it is that easy to let her go??? There has to be something involved there with feelings to stick with the same OW for 5 years!!!

And with his recent attitudes, I would bet they are still in contact or at least laying low for the time being.

But I am so sorry to say that I can't just see him ending this the 1st try & think if you stay, there will be more D-days in your future.

Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Also, if he has been seeing OW for 5 years, do you really believe it is that easy to let her go???

Unfortunately I can speak directly to this. No, five years is a long, long time to have an affair. The intimacies shared over that period of time are significant.

The hardest part for me was knowing that XWH told his girlfriend things about me. He spoke to her about our kids and our sweet home. Damn.

Do not rush - but think long and hard. Long term affairs are brutal in their own special way.

It would take a mighty remorseful BS to give the slimmest sliver of potential recovery.

I would recommend IC. Take the time to get to know yourself. But remember, it is his job to now meet all your expectations. Make sure you know what those expectations are.

Good luck to you.

BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe

Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Wow, you are a stronger woman then me!

I found sexting messages a few days ago and I almost want to leave but there was no physical contact so I am going to work it out.

with that said if you have no kids and he has been lying to you for 10 years. I would leave. Your entire relationship has been a lie.

As for as how he is acting it sounds like he wants you to get over it instantly. Well thats not going to happen. If it takes you 5 years to get over it then so be it. If he is trying to be pushy about how fast you heal then screw him.

Did he grow up with a father that cheated on his mother the entire time? Why has be been cheating since he was 13.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I can't see any way that this guy is going to turn over a new leaf and become a faithful husband. He has never been truthful with you, including the ultimate deceit of luring you into a marriage while involved with another. No kids and you're financially OK? Fly like the wind. IC will be good for you after.

ETA spelling miscue

[This message edited by LAFA at 3:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by roarlouder at 8:27 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

If your relationship is such that it doesn't take a lawyer or court order to disentangle the finances, the living logistics then you have a distinct advantage over the rest of us..What I mean to say is that you can run/leave immediately..Let your WSO do all of the work to find you, catch up with you and win you back..
Don't ever lose that advantage that you have while in this relationship( no kids, joint debts/ownership of assets)

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 10