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Reconciliation
User Topic: I Think I'm Done
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Angry  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

It might be stress, it might be me being sick, I very likely am overreacting to life in general but right now I don't care. I'm not doing this anymore.

New neighbours moved in. Not a big deal but the woman who moved in with her kids has suddenly taken to speaking to my wife every day since moving in. No problem on my part, except for the spontaneously knocking on our door for any reason she can think of ("where's a nearby ATM?", "what's the name of the street our kids' school is on?", etc.) We've always been quiet people who do our own thing so having someone constantly at our door, for what I feel are trivial things, isn't something we're used to.

Earlier she knocked on our door yet again, this time sporting a baby, apparently to show her to my wife. So my wife goes out, then comes in after a bit of talking to fetch our newly awakened son. Shortly after our daughter came down from her room to join them. They're all talking outside fine and dandy (someone of the woman's famiy came over to join in too). I'm laying on the couch doing my own thing, no problem.

Then I notice I don't hear anything from outside anymore and I look up and outside... No one there.

I have no clue why, and I don't care, but without saying a word my wife took our kids over to this woman's place. Sure, right next door, sure I used common sense to determine that immediately, and sure it bothered the fuck out of me. Not the going, but the lack of even a momentary thought to informing me of it. She was right there. Open the fucking screen door look at me and say "we're going over to our neighbours place for a minute". No problem.

Instead I look up and my family isn't there. She couldn't be bothered.

After awhile she came back with the kids and just went about her business. Honestly I can't recall the exact sequence of what was said after since I'm groggy. I asked where she went, she said, I asked why she didn't tell me. She simply reiterated she only went next door for a moment and effectively said it wasn't a big deal. I went and sat down for a minute, grabbed my cup and went back out to the kitchen (where she was) to get a drink from the fridge. She stood next to me while I poured a drink and I closed the fridge and walked out of the kitchen. As I did she muttered something.

I turned around and demanded to know what she said ("fine, don't talk to me" apparently). I asked what her problem is, and pointed out that yet again in life she didn't take me into consideration and didn't think of me. This is a massive problem I've always had with her and when you get right down to it that's what her retarded fucking affair exemplified. I pretty much said so, she said something in response to this shouldn't be a problem and told me not to be a problem. I took offense to this, she tried saying she didn't mean it that way. I looked her right in the eyes and said "there wouldn't be any fucking problems if you could have kept your legs closed and your mouth shut." Probably a bad thing to say, but I really don't care.

She looked at me and said "fuck you." Something she's been prone to do in the past and the last time she did so I told her this relationship was over. So without a word I took my wedding ring off and threw it on the floor at her feet and left the kitchen to sit down. As I left I said "we're done."

She didn't say or do anything afterwards. Got our daughter some supper, went and had a bath then came down and made herself something to eat. She's also randomly gone down stairs to do some laundry and otherwise has been sitting on the opposite end of our sectional doing her own thing. I didn't want any particular reaction because I'm seriously done dealing with this shit but to see she's completely unphased and going about life as can be without saying or doing anything... well, it just shows me a lot.

All that said, she's done everything she can do to change. Yet all told, she'll never completely change and I don't think I can accept that. I don't want to be reminded of what she did to me ever. And there is no way that is possible. The past few months I've really been struggling with this. I've had longtime members PM me about their experiences, I've seen people praise my wife for her efforts, and I full identify everything about why her affair happened and what's gone on since. You know what though? She still fucked someone else. And I don't want to ever be reminded of how shitty a person she was.

I really don't think I can do this anymore. I've been fantasizing lately about being on my own. Living by myself going about life my own way. No need to wake up and worry about her triggering me. No need to question if she's being honest. Yes, she is honest, but I still have to question it. That's the rest of my life. And I don't think I can do it.

This shit may seem petty and I may be reacting stupidly (even removed her from my Facebook "married to" thing - though it isn't displayed anywhere, only she'll notice, and changed my profile picture from one of us to one of me and the kids - honestly just to be petty and fuck with her head). I'm so fucking tired of being the good guy, I'm so tired of doing work, I'm so tired of struggling through the pain that keeps getting inflicted on me.

Over the weekend we had to get our one cat emergency surgery. I was a basketcase because it looked like she was bleeding profusely out of her vagina. She had a severe case of something called pyometra (very rare in a cat). She'd have died if we didn't get her the surgery but money isn't exactly free flowing. I couldn't make a decision on what to do, so my wife did and the cat is doing wonderfully. that cat has been my true best friend since we acquired her 7 years ago. That cat has been there seemingly through everything and is the one creature who's never let me down. Without her I'd have not been able to cope with my wife's affair at all. And the thought of losing her has me so fucking rattled.

I'm not equipped anymore to deal with shit. I don't know how to cope with things. I told my wife one more thing and we're done, no matter what it is. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I'm getting fucking chest pains lately. I can't sleep. The mind movies are still there. I fucking triggered yesterday because she changed her pants in front of me. She took her pants off in front of him and let him fuck her... All because she hates herself. All because her family sucks. All because of this or that. Sure whatever, I get it but I also am constantly fucking punished for the crimes others committed against her just because I love her. I've always known life wasn't fair but a lifetime of pain and reminders... fuck all of this.

Sorry if this is scatterbrained, I can barely keep a straight thought.

ETA: She fucking knows I've been typing, I look over at her laptop. The moment I'm done typing and click a couple times with the mouse on mine, there she is opening up this post... that's a first. She's acting contrary to how's she's been for the past year and a half, but I guess a lifetime of shitty selfish conflict avoidance never goes away. You want to know what I have to say, I'm right fucking here, sheesh...

[This message edited by VD2012 at 8:02 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
SeeThingsNow1
Member
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

so sorry for the despair and hurt you are feeling....there are no words for the pain that just slaps you over and over...i hope you feel peace soon

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jan 2013
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

so sorry.

my husband also did the disappearing thing with neighbors and i flipped out too and this was all before i knew of any A...it is rude and inconsiderate and i know it seems little, but its a very telling little thing that = she doesn't really care of others feelings.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Hi VD2012.

I am sorry for your pain. I get this. I have been there. The A could be a deal breaker for you, or the bull shit that followed it could be a deal breaker for you. That is an individual choice.

Some observations and questions for you...if you are up for it.

First, what was your childhood like? My parents D after almost no fighting....I was 13...when they did my Dad disappeared from my life until I reconnected with him after college. I have a fear of abandonment...could relate to your feelings to look up and your family is gone. I had this fear for months after DD....that I would come home from work and my wife and daughters would be gone. It sucks....that fear is not A related, I had that fear since childhood. No doubt the A reaffirmed this fear...but that is my shit to work on....and I am. It is rude behavior, but I would trigger harder on this then people without this fear of abandonment would. KWIM?

You just had a critical moment with your cat. Pets are part of the family...this is added stress....and you have plenty without that.

Are you getting at least 6 hours sleep? This is a must to get into REM sleep...the short period of sleep where nerves in the brain are actually repaired from the days stress. You say you barely can keep a straight thought....sleep could be a contributing factor here...not your wife or the A. I know the lack of sleep is a reaction to the A, but you can make choices to moderate that reaction. I use over the counter sleep aides, prayer and meditation. I still have 4 hour nights....but that is becoming the exception, not the rule.

Gently....the communication after your wife and kids came home was not the best. Dang, I do this too...less now, but have done this. So has my wife. I swear, sometimes I think we revert back to teenagers...and I am 42! At that point you were triggering hard....so I totally get why you did what you did. Just try and recognize it was not the best interaction.....don't base life altering decisions on moments like this.

Even a remorseful spouse is not a mind reader. Try and express yourself before triggering or getting too emotionally charged.

I humbly submit this post to you. If you really think your M is over...that is what I would go with.

Any chance you can float for a couple of days....just detach completely somehow? Get to nature? I can sense your exhaustion....don't know you well enough to know what recharges your batteries.

Divorce lawyers are available any day of the week...its not like you have to reserve one tonight! right?

God be with you both tonight.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:37 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

So sorry you are in so much pain. It's a sucky road - No Doubt!

Sorry I'm not familiar with your story - what are you doing for yourself? For your own healing?

The WS reading the boards thing - goes up my rear sideways too. I will post - he goes and looks. Just effing ask me dipshit.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I have a practice of not PM women SI members...but don't mind PM from male members.

This site is anonymous...but if you feel like PM stuff you are not proud of or haven't thought it through well enough to post on the public forums...I am willing to be a sounding board for you. I am only 13 months into this, so I am not a Yoda of sorts...but I am willing to try to help.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AppleBlossom
Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

You know what? When you are done, you are done. You have reached that point where you know without a doubt that no matter what else has happened, what she has done, she was unnfaithful and that is your dealbreaker.

I dont think what you wrote was scattered at all. it was eloquent and heart rending and totally okay. the incident with the kids and the neighbour was really not such a huge deal. You were on the couch, it made no real difference to you. But it was a trigger, the last straw, and if it wasnt that it would have been something else.

You can see now that life without her will be better than life with her.

I wish you all the best - and wanted to thank you for sharing all those personal thought.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Are you done, VD2012?

Or are you looking for respect?

What do you need from your wife?

ETA:

right now I don't care.

I have no clue why, and I don't care

Probably a bad thing to say, but I really don't care

If you didn't care, then you wouldn't be in so much pain.

I think you care very, very much.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 8:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I know it sucks; I know you are afraid that you will feel this way forever. But it does get better. The second year was horrible for me too. I was so angry. I would take these long drives in my car, I love my car. But I would drive it like like a crazy person...just trying to get away from everything.

Eating that shit sandwich is hard. Try not to beat yourself up so much. I don't know why they do stupid shit sometimes, but they do. I'm sure she just didn't think about it when she ran to the neighbors. Doesn't make it right but change does take time.

One day, I just became so bored with all the drama that I could relax. I was sick of thinking about it. You too will get to that point. It is still there, but it doesn't take your breath away. You become stronger.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 461 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Honestly, I think you totally ambushed her. I understand you're stressed, the new neighbor annoys you and her going over bothered you, but you could have communicated it so much better. She was trying to explain she didn't realize you would get upset, and you basically called her a wh*re. From your profile updates, you've been doing great, she's been really trying to fix her issues, so at this far out, I wouldn't be throwing stuff like that out at her over this to be honest. I would expect if I said similar to my fwh, he would have responded with an "f you" as well.

I think her not engaging in further argument is a good thing right now. Clearly its not a good night.

Respect goes both ways, especially in Reconciliation.

I'm trying to be gentle, I've had arguments with my husband that have escalated badly. But this could have been handled with some more effective communication both ways.

Have you guys had marriage counseling? Have you read any Gottman books? They are great for communicating. This has helped my husband and I a lot as we recover our marriage. Our therapist is amazing.

I'm glad your cat is healing. Take some deep beaths, take a break and some rest and hopefully tomorrow will look better.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

VD2012, you are speaking my language right now! I'm right there with you. It's the inconsiderate choices our WSs make that hurt us so deeply. They just don't get it.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

SeeThingsNow1 and ionlytalkedtoher, thank you for the replies. ionlytalkedtoher, that's how I see it rude and inconsiderate. In a world without infidelity and her never having wronged me, it wouldn't even be a thing. It's the principle. She didn't even think to inform me she was leaving with our kids. She didn't think of me. Or she did, and at that moment my feelings didn't matter. Either way I'm not okay with.

blakesteele, no PMs necessary. My childhood was terrible. I was emotionally, physically and mentally abused by both my parents, and somewhat by my extended family. I've written about a lot of my issues in regards to my family upbringing here on SI in the past. Particularly a post titled "My Mother" I wrote about a year ago. Suffice to say in regards to abandonment I was literally abandoned by my family when I was 14. I was living with my mother and she got up one day and left without a word and the rest of my family subsequently refused to talk to me after. Fun times. Honestly the shit they have done too me is too exhaustive to recount here, lets just say they're terrible human beings. Most are gone from my life or dead though, sometimes I actually think karma is a real thing.

But I don't have abandonment issues. Looking up and seeing my family not there didn't trigger some latent fear. It simply pissed me off at the lack of thought or courtesy. I don't fear abandonment. My counsellor I had last year (into this year) described me as highly rationally, emotionally stable and capable. Though he did say I need to let myself actually feel my feelings more instead of rationalizing them and sorting through life pragmatically. My wife didn't cause me any fear related to abandonment.

My wife's affair didn't cause my sleep disturbances. I've suffered from night terrors since I was a little kid. It ain't fun waking up terrified thinking you're going to die and being inconsolable. My mother could never deal with it, but my father did. Those times when I actually became lucid and woke when he was there to comfort me are the only warm moments I ever shared with him. My mother waking me up in the middle of the night to force me to watch her arguing with my father probably didn't help. I've never learned to sleep well. From the age of 14 until 20 when my wife and I moved in together I didn't even have a bed. Slept on couches. And most of my sleep issues actually come from physical injuries I've accumulated over my short life that leave me in constant pain.

Speaking of which, in regard to your suggesion of a sleep aide, I refuse. I don't drink, smoke, take pills of any kind or anything of the sort because of my family history. Every single person I'm genetically related to has been addicted to something at some point or another and I absolutely refuse to take or consume anything. If I'm to suffer in life fine, I'm not risking repeating anything my family has done.

Also no need to be gentle. I was petty and an asshole. I'm aware of it. I just don't care. I'm always fucking being nice, I'm always communicating properly, I'm always doing the right thing. I'm sick of being the good guy in life. Hell, my wife's affair had nothing to do with my problem today. Not everything is a trigger or a result of her infidelity. She's always had problems being considerate of me when it comes to others. I don't even need her to tell me what ran through her head. I didn't, and she was concerned with making a good impression on the new neighbours and wouldn't want to offend them. That's that. This scenario has played out so many times over big and small things and I'm so fucking tired of being diplomatic with my feelings about it. I've always been that way.

It just went to show me something that's been bugging me. This is with me for life. She's changed into an absolutely wonderful woman. But I can't be reminded of the shittiness in the past. This is an impossibility and an unfair expectation of her. I recognize this. She can't be perfect every single time all the time. And I need her to be to be with me. Which is just not practical. I told her the other day I need to work on this, I need to figure out how to heal from the pain she's caused me. I've walked away and/or run from any emotionally damaging problem I've encountered. This whole time I've been waiting and holding onto the hope of her change, and its carried me this far. and she changed. but it didn't eliminate or alter the pain I feel. I need to do that and have no clue.

I'm basing life altering decisions on my entire life. I don't do things rashly, I'm not prone to outbursts and I look at everything in a very slow calculated fashion. I've spent more than a third of my life with this person. She's all I know, and all I even want to know. I still want her in my life but I can't deal with the pain she's caused me. It's not a lack of respect for her, trust in her, hope for us or anything else. She fucked me over, I see she's a great person that I'm lucky to have as my partner, and I don't give a fuck because she fucked me over. It all comes to that. It's not a life altering decision based on one incident of lack of thinking, it's a decision she made a year and a half ago.

I know remorseful spouses, any spouses, aren't mind reader's. My mind is there for her taking whenever and however she wants it. I've never had the communication problem. And she's better at knowing what will trigger me than I am. I didn't trigger. This particular lack of consideration has been present since as far back as us just being high school friends. It's not new.

As for recharging my batteries... I don't even know anymore. Our cat nearly dying, our daughter is the world's worst brat since starting at this new school, our son thinks screaming is a fun pasttime (just for fun because he can) which gives me migraines, I'm sick, I'm in constant pain, my life is just miserable, this affair shit is always there... ugh.

sorry if my response seems terse or anything, I don't mean to come off that way and appreciate the thought put into your post (thus my response).

sodamnlost, ya know what... I don't even know anymore. What am I doing to heal myself? Nothing to my knowledge. I don't know what to do. I talk, I think, I feel, I process. I have no clue how to let go though. I thought I was healing, but I feel like I'm at a standstill. As for her reading my post, she's never once done that before. Which is what exacerbates my issue with it. I normally read my posts to her anyways, but reading what I put without a word said to me is conflict avoidance.

She actually sent me an email after and then went downstairs (to do who knows what). It was short and said what I did with Facebook was petty (damn right it was) and that she may look unphased but I have no clue how hurt she is but if I want to be done so be it. Thanks for saying that to my face...

AppleBlossom, I've always harbored in me the notion that her affair was a dealbreaker for me. However I also always believed that a "new deal" or sorts could be reached in my mind wherein I could go forward in life so long as she changed. I do believe she's drastically changed. Yet I also now see it will never be enough because what I want and expect can't be accomplished.

As for my life being better without her, no I don't see that nor think it. Since she entered my life my life as been drastically better in every way. She has been my staunchest supporter and my greatest ally. I love this woman beyond all sense. Then she betrayed me. The only reason I don't and wouldn't want to be with her is to get away from the pain. Because I don't know how else to handle it. otherwise, no, my life will be worse without her in it in so many ways.

ladies_first, you trying to use reverse psychology on me? Because you're right. I do care. I feel I care too much, and she not enough. Sure she does all the big things and is there even with the little things... but I have such a negative mental reaction to even the slightest of remembrance of what was and I can't deal with it. If I really didn't care, which I acknowledge, I'd be indifferent. and if that was the case, I wouldn't even be posting here. I just don't know what to do...

TheClimb, thank you for the words. Many other members in various ways have tried to say the same to me over the past few months. i just... I want this to go away now. I dont want it anymore. No reminders, no triggers, no memories, no mind movies, nothing. I sometimes think ramming my head into a wall would be a great idea. No one has ever hurt me this badly and I have no clue how to handle it. This is her first "slip up", if you can even call it that, since... I can't even remember. I just don't want to deal with this shit.

SamanthaBaker, I totally see your point of view and I disagree with certain sentiments though I acknowledge you're spot on with others. I had a lot more written to you just now but chose to delete it because I don't like you're tone and my resultant reply was unnecessarily snippy. You're offering your insight which I appreciate the intent of but I'm in too miserable of a mood to be polite. That said, thank you for the reply.

ccw82, thanks for the reply.

All that said, I'm going to wander downstairs to convince her to go up to bed. We'll likely talk, about what and how I have no clue, but I suppose I'll see.

thank you all for your thoughts and replies. wish I was in a more positive mood.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

sending strength brother.

it's all I've got.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2792 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Hey VD

I am sorry you are hurting. I understand your pain and know that there is too much going on sometimes for any of us to think straight.

I have always been in awe of you. The way you have grown up, the way you handled your childhood and all the shit you have had thrown your way. You are wise beyond your years and you have always (well since I have been reading you) appeared to know what you are feeling, where it comes from and how to handle it.

I bet this situation has you feeling a little less in control, and that's ok.

Whatever YOU decide is best for you is something only you can answer. I know you love your wife, but this part of the journey isn't about her. It's about you. Can you heal and walk through this with her? Can you accept what has been handed to you and move forward with loving her...and do you want to?

I can tell you from where I sit at 6 years out I wondered these things. I worried that I would never get over it. I don't know that we do. I will never "get over" what happened. All I was able to do is walk through it and get past it.

I have an amazing life now VD, really, not bullshitting you. We are close, honest and we both live with clear direction in where we are going. To get here I had to let go. I had to accept that I couldn't change anything, he did what he did.

I was on the five year plan for sure. He did everything he could to help me along, but ultimately my piece of this had to be worked out in my mind and heart.

This

You want to know what I have to say, I'm right fucking here, sheesh...

Is a big piece. You are right there, but what have you told her about the feelings you have been having about the new neighbor? Have you told her you are feeling overwhelmed? That her being around is bothering you?

IMO she probably thought nothing of it because you saw her with the neighbor, the neighbor is a woman, she had the kids and it was no big deal IN HER MIND.

Remember, just because a wayward is doing what they can, it doesn't mean they automatically know what YOU need. Actually, that goes for anyone, not just waywards. We need to navigate R and our needs within it.

OK, so I talk too much...

Ultimately this is your life VD and as I said, only you can decide. Maybe you just needed to vent tonight...maybe you are done.

Whatever you decide to do, you will be ok.....because R or D this is a demon you will have to work through, and I know you can.

You are in my thoughts. I wish I could make tonight better for you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SpiderGrl
Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Best wishes, VD. I wish you peace.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Sometimes enough is too much.

Posts: 1675 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I looked her right in the eyes and said "there wouldn't be any fucking problems if you could have kept your legs closed and your mouth shut.

You know what though? She still fucked someone else.

She took her pants off in front of him and let him fuck her...


Hell, my wife's affair had nothing to do with my problem today. Not everything is a trigger or a result of her infidelity.

Ummm... One of these things is not like the others.

Time for you to get honest.

Are you jealous of the time your WW is spending with the female neighbor?

Have you met the new neighbor's husband -- "the man of the house"?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

5454real, you're awesome dude. You don't need to say anything else. Thanks.

SpiderGrl and h0peless, thanks for the thoughts.

ladies_first, no, one of those things isn't like the others. Why are you taking disparate quotes taken out of their context to somehow ascertain a point that isn't there? I triggered yesterday about her removing her pants. It was a solitary incident having nothing to do with anything else. I said it as such to illustrate that I'm sick of triggers.

And today's incident has nothing to do with her affair. At all. Implying such is disingenuous to my issue at hand. That said it wouldn't have ever been a problem or even an issue had she never cheated. It's just one of those things that is an issue now because the relationship dynamic has changed. I was happy, content, pleased with how our relationship was before (though I now look back and see it wasn't good enough). Things that were minor issues of inconsideration would have been ignored and life gone on. That doesn't happen anymore. That's what my comment to her was meant for. My intention of meaning probably only worked out in my terrible thinking at the time. Had she never had sex with someone else little shit today wouldn't bug me but I'm seemingly unable to cope with the pain thus making everything seem worse even if unrelated to the affair, though still inconsiderate to me as a person. I'm sick as hell, tired and I don't think I'm wording this correctly.

I'm sure there's more than a large majority of BSs here on SI who share that same sentiment. Not every event in a relationship has a direct correlation to the infidelity, but that sure doesn't mean it isn't filtered through the lens of the affair tainting everything.

And no, I'm not jealous. Why would I be? I don't like your implication I'm not being honest. I am always honest, and I'm well aware of myself. I could have easily slanted my post in a way that would engender favour to my "side" and demonize my wife, but I didn't because that would be dishonest. I don't try to paint some flowery romanticized version of myself, as I know I chose to deal with things poorly today. Said so. I don't see how you take me as being dishonest.

Also, no I haven't met this woman's husband (don't even think she has one) and don't care to if she has one. Why is that relevant?

karmahappens, before I address what you said I suppose I should state what happened after my last post...

I'll summarize since we talked for an hour. I went downstairs and my wife was looking through our boxes of movies. I sat nearby and said I wanted to talk to her. She didn't want to. I told her she was perfectly within her right to be angry. and that I'm not reacting well to anything. I apologized for effectively insulting her (though not my intent - but as I say intent doesn't mean shit) and choosing to not deal with things properly. I pointed out what I didn't like about her own actions and choice of words and she agreed with me and understood. She pointed out I didn't give her a chance to say or do anything, which I agreed with. We then just started talking about my problems at large.

Life is getting to me and I'm not handling it well. She told me I can, I said I can't, I don't know how. She told me that's an excuse I tell myself to give up and she knows I can deal with things. I told her I'm just sick and tired of always being strong, always handling things well, always doing what's right. I've been strong my whole life, she never has been until recently. That my life's beaten the tar out of me and I could take everything on until she hurt me and I don't know how to deal with that hurt. I don't have the tools, I'm not equipped to do it. My own coping mechanisms, though they've served me well and don't hurt others, aren't sufficient to work through this.

I'm failing myself and her. I've put too much expectations on her and there's only so much she can do. If I keep being this way I'll eventually cave into my oldest most reliable coping mechanism, walking away from everything. But that never actually solved my problems, they always persisted. This doesn't have to be this way. She truly has changed but I've been expecting that to somehow make me feel better. It can only do so much, she can only do so much. I brought up my one uncle who was paralyzed when I was a toddler. I grew up knowing him to be in a wheel chair. I remember him being such an awesome vibrant man. As time went on he wallowed in his predicament and gave into bitterness. He never exhibited this to others in a negative way, but his life ended when he was crippled, not when he actually died nearly 20 years later. He let an unfair event that he had no control of damage him and he stayed that way.

I've been operating under this mindframe of "she did this to me, she can fix it". But she can't fix me, only herself. She can help me, but only as much as I allow. She told me I need to actually feel my feelings which I don't. She said I don't allow myself to be happy, to feel secure, to feel safe, to feel anything. I'm not even allowing myself to truly feel my pain. I told her I don't know how. The way I grew up... I just don't know how. I told her that my counsellor said something similar earlier this year. I intellectually and rationally understand the world more clearly than most people can, but I'm not in tune with my actual emotions. I'm afraid of them. She pretty much echoed him tonight.

I told her I don't know how to do that, I told her I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to feel anything. I don't want this hurt anymore and I'm afraid of enjoying anything in life because it always ends up bad. I pointed out what happened with our cat as an example. She could have easily died. My wife pointed out she didn't though and I'm not even embracing that. She said I'm only happy with the baby and nothing else. That I've stopped living life and will turn out like my uncle. I told her that's exactly my point and what I don't want to happen.

I'm going to push her away and isolate myself in life in hopes of not being hurt anymore if I don't change. I'm terrified of being hurt again, by anything. I need to heal from what she did to me but I simply haven't done enough. I don't know how. She told me I should post on here more, I should go back to counselling, I should write again. That I need to deal with my feelings and not the facts or events of life. I looked at her and asked her how she changed because I don't know how to. She said it was incredibly hard and still is but she just told herself one day she had to and had to constantly rejigger with her brain every single day. She said she didn't want to because it was too hard, the idea of it was too hard, but she made herself.

We talked more, but that's the gist of it.

Anyways, karmahappens, I'm going to be honest... I want to be done with myself. I'm like the nexus of all my problems. I used to tap into this inexhaustible inner strength to will myself forward in life. But I never actually solved a problem, never implemented a solution to an issue. Why? All problems and issues in my life couldn't be fixed, they were the result of toxic unhealthy people around me that needed to go away. And they did... then my wife betrayed me.

I feel so lost as to what to do with that. I don't know what I'm feeling, how to deal with these feelings, what to do. I'm so lost and confused. It's easy to be strong and resilient when you left the flames wash over you as the world burns everywhere you look. But I was free of all that, I won my freedom from bullshit and then she imploded taking me with her. Her she is now better than she's ever been and I'm... I'm not any better with myself. And I need to be. I need to be or this won't work.

I won't be better off away from her. I'll hate myself for giving up and I'll convince myself it's okay because at least the pain won't be as bad. Won't be as apparent. But if anything I should know better. The pain's always with me, always there. I carry it every day. It weighs me down and I can no longer move. My wife's affair was the extra weight I could no handle.

I appreciate so much your candor with how well your life has turned out. It gives me hope and you're one of many who are further out from this horrible stuff who has shared that sentiment with me. But I hear it and I cannot see. I cannot see because I don't know how to handle this.

She is my best friend, my wife, the best person I've ever known... I can't figure out how to deal with this emotionally. It's like I haven't. I have all the rational and pragmatic pieces of this in place. I understand. But I don't feel. I am overwhelmed with the feelings to the point of numbness and I don't know what to do. I wasn't taught how to deal with THIS, I never figured out how to deal with THIS, I dont know what to do with THIS. Other things, yes of course, but not this. I want this to work, I want that happy life I see, but how on earth do I get it?

I totally understand what you say about letting go, but I don't know how to emotionally get there at all. I feel overwhelmed by this and just life in general.

As for the neighbour... It's not even the neighbour. It's my own self righteous indignation that in that moment she didn't think to tell me. She admitted she understands. It's the principle, not the actual event. In this regard though my wife has been made more than aware, even years before her affair was a thing, that I don't like how I can be an afterthought with her inconsideration. It's not a one time event. We actually just had an issue last week with her going to get our daughter from the bus stop and she didn't return home with her for over 40 minutes. I sat here wondering what was going on. She could have easily told me she was letting her play but I got nothing. Did she get off the bus okay? Is she okay? Did you go somewhere? Did something happen? Are you okay? Nothing. A quick "she got off the bus fine and I'm letting her play for a bit" text would suffice, instead, nothing. Today I look up and they're gone. Sure I can assume she went with the neighbour, but nothing. No, "we're going to their home to meet others", no "hey, wanna come meet the neighbours?", "hey I'm just going out be back whenever". Just tell me what's going on within my life. But I wasn't even a thought in her head, which she admits. THAT is the problem. I didn't even cross her mind. That's my problem.

The amusing thing (in my head at least) is she's already told me the constant random appearances is bothering her as well. But she won't say anything because she is a perpetual people pleaser. She wouldn't want to offend. I may say something if it doesn't stop but I'm giving the lady the benefit of the doubt of being overly friendly. Knocking on our door to ask for change, to inquire about something you could easily phone the school about, and so on is unnecessary. But again, it's not the neighbour. I really don't care about her.

I constantly tell my wife how I feel or think about things. It's how I've always been. She doesn't have to guess, mind read, figure out, or otherwise not know precisely what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I've always been open with her in that regard, I know it fascilitates proper communication and her affair didn't change that about me.

I don't need to just vent, although I suppose in a way it has opened my eyes about myself. I need to do a lot more things about myself. I need to find new ways to cope and deal with my emotions and I need to find a way to embrace them. Otherwise I'm going to turn out to be a miserable misanthrope bitter at life.I can't keep goiing this way or i'm going to head down the same path she once did. I won't cheat, but I'll become so self involved and resentful I'll probably do something equally as stupid and damaging. I'm already thinking stupidly enough at times as is.

It needs to change. I need to. Just need to find out how.

Anyways, thank you so much for your response. i very much appreciate it. And it's done a lot to help my troubled mind tonight.

I feel like I've spent too much time typing and thinking about this. Need to go get sleep. I hope I make sense and my spelling and/or grammar errors aren't a problem. Thank you all for the replies.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Have you thought about this:
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro that emphasizes disturbing memories as the cause of psychopathology [1][2] and alleviates the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). EMDR is used for individuals who have experienced severe trauma that remains unresolved.[3] According to Shapiro, when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed and stored in an isolated memory network.[1] The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering effects and allowing clients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms. This is done in an eight-step protocol that includes having clients recall distressing images while receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, including side to side eye movements.[4] The use of EMDR was originally developed to treat adults suffering from PTSD; however, it is also used to treat other conditions and children."


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I get it. I get the exhaustion. I get the frustration. I get the sick. I get the tired. I get that every situation is tainted by the fallout of A, whether I realize it or not. I get the fear that it will always be that way. That peace will never come.

There are many days I want to run. There are many days I think I should run. I know I will find peace alone. I don't doubt that one bit. That's what makes it so hard.

But even with that peace I know I will not be happy. I know that the joy of my family can never be replaced.

Lose/Lose situation if you ask me.. And I am angry that I have been put in this position against my will.

So what do I do? I read stories of hope. I read 2-5 years. I read its a rollercoaster. I read R is not linear. I read that old habits take a long time to change.

I look at where we are at. Its better than it was 6 months ago. That was better than a year ago. And that was better than two years ago......progress not perfection.

Buttons will still be pushed on both sides. Exhaustion will happen on both sides. Triggers will happen on both sides. Bad days will happen on both sides.

What to do and where to start? Honest productive communication!!! You and your W are each others eyes and ears. point out each others short comings in a loving way. Communicate what the buttons are, what he triggers are, what the frustrations are. Know it is not an attack but a sincere attempt to help each other grow.

I reading your post I see a huge breakdown in communication on both sides. It happens, don't beat yourself or her up for it. Learn from it and move forward.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2575 | Registered: Aug 2012
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Sounds like you are bitter about the affair, rightfully so. But try to keep the issues separate.

If going to the neighbors unannounced is annoying, stick with that issue. How does her affair and whether her legs are closed relate to the neighbor.

Maybe some counseling for the two of you is in order.

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 7:43 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8096 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

VD - I am going to recommend a CD that someone recently told me about. It is a guided meditation and affirmations, sounds silly and simple but it is very powerful. It is called "Guided Imagery to Help with Heartbreak, Abandonment & Betrayal." I bought it on Itunes but I believe it is cheaper on Amazon in CD form. Having recently gone through an upheaval in my road to recovery, this has been an immensely healing CD. My suggestion for you is to do something for yourself and detach a little.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR

VD: I was about to suggest EMDR to you but Sadwife beat me to it. I have actually done this myself. And although I can't explain "why" it helped me, it did. As I told you last night, at year two I was just pissed all the time. I was also running into the OW all over the place, something two and three times a day. I felt backed into a corner. I couldn't destroy her like she did me. I HATED the unfairness of the entire affair, both his part and hers. I was unable to wrap my brain around it in anyway at all.

Another SI member mentioned EMDR and I did a little research and found an excellent counselor ten minutes from my home who did this. I had a total of six sessions. Three where I told her what was bothering me and she told me about EMDR, two which were the actual EMDR light/sound sessions and one post EMDR sessions.

This "woo hoo" type session somehow pushed my anger back a little. I was still angry about the situation but seeing her no longer ruined my entire day or started me into a red rage. I simply was able to deal with it easier than before.

The cool thing about this therapy is that you are dealing with a single issue or trauma. It is a faster therapy than others and pretty much just helps you feel better. For the record, prior to the EMDR, I did see an IC for about six months until he said I was ok on my own.

Hope this helps and remember bud, you are not alone in your feelings and struggles. Many of us have stood in your shoes and just like you, we made mistakes and picked ourselves back up.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 461 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

IC, IC, IC, you need to keep going. You need to walk through all of your pain (some of it/lots of it wont even be A related.

You already know this, you stated it in your last post. If you walk away from her and this marriage you will be packing up this pain and hurt and bringing it with you.It will color the rest of your life.

Don't let it.

You may as well dig your heels in and start healing right now. The trauma of her A feels like the extra weight you can't carry, but really VD, ALL the weight you have is too much. Peel it off in layers with your IC. Take one hurt at a time, go through it, understand it and feel the hurt of the little boy and work your way through every trauma and instance of hurt. It's the only way you will get to the other side.

Pull the threads apart and examine them. Don't run, don't hide. You will hate yourself for giving up.

I had a ton of FOO issues, abuse, trauma, pain that I stored in pretty little boxes until I sat myself in IC. I could take out a box and show you what was inside, I was able to list everything that happened to me that made me who I was...but I kept my little boxes with all of the hurt and pain tucked neatly inside.

I didn't get that I had to unpack them, that boxes only clutter my heart my head and my ability to feel things authentically.

So I went to IC and started to unpack. One box at a time. Pain from years back I didn't even allow myself to see came out. I began to find me, know me and appreciate me. One by one I threw the boxes away. It wasn't easy. I had a few boxes I fought to keep, but over time I let them go.

Over time you will to. You don't have to know how to do this. There isn't an answer that I can give you except time and lots of feeling/working through the hurt.

Your wife is doing her part. She isn't perfect and remember, it's only been a year...this shit isn't quick. She is walking in the right direction to get/be healthy.

You need to do the same...one step at a time. It's frightening and you don't know how you will feel about the M or the future direction you need to go in until you get to that fork in the road.

Give yourself a break, feel the anger and continue to communicate with your wife. Let her know your needs. She is doing the work and eventually what's "right" will become second nature to her. She will think about her actions, even the little ones, and how they affect you/the family and herself. It's a process.

Give yourself permission to not have all the answers but allow yourself the time to find them.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Your posts in this thread to break my heart. It is obvious how much you care and how much you want this to work, you just don't know if you can do it or how.

"Life is getting to me and I'm not handling it well. She told me I can, I said I can't, I don't know how. She told me that's an excuse I tell myself to give up and she knows I can deal with things. I told her I'm just sick and tired of always being strong, always handling things well, always doing what's right. I've been strong my whole life, she never has been until recently. That my life's beaten the tar out of me and I could take everything on until she hurt me and I don't know how to deal with that hurt. I don't have the tools, I'm not equipped to do it. My own coping mechanisms, though they've served me well and don't hurt others, aren't sufficient to work through this."

This is how I feel at four months so it scares me to that you can still feel this way after so much time.

I have been through some crazy shit in my life and up until now I think I have handled it pretty well. I never used it as an excuse to act a certain way or played the victim. My husband knew how much I had been through and he still didn't think of that when he had his affair. I never thought in 1 million years he would hurt me this way; that was part of the reason I married him.
I think I can be happy with him again if I can get through this but I often think what if I never able to get over what he did? How do I know if this is a dealbreaker for me?


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

VD,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can say: better now than in 20 years. I can say: you can learn to feel, and you can release your pain, as impossible and as scary as you think that will be, and if you do, you'll be glad you did.

Your 3rd post in this thread (1:31 AM) is key. If you don't remember what you wrote, reread it until it's imprinted on your memory. You outline important issues in that post, and that gives you an outline of what to do to heal.

Just as WSes have to face the pain they tried to avoid, healing requires you to face the pain that's breaking through now (or is it always within your awareness?). The thing is: you can do it.

Do the work, VD. It's painful. BTDT. For me, facing the actual pain turned out to be immense orders of magnitude better than fearing it. I expect that's how you'll respond, if you do the work.

"there wouldn't be any fucking problems if you could have kept your legs closed and your mouth shut."

Your 1:31 AM post says you know that's bullshit, and I ask you to post again confirming what you wrote.

You said it: you want to be done with yourself. Right now, I don't know if you're done with your M, but I'd bet everything I own and can borrow that you're mixing up traumas from your FOO and from your M.

You can end your M, but you'll still be stuck with your FOO traumas. Solve those, and you may find yourself in the middle of a good M and good life. In any case, I wouldn't make big decisions right now, if I were you, because I don't think you can get your head, heart, and gut into alignment (which is how I think big decisions are best made).

Work on releasing pain in IC. The work is tough, but the payoff is sublime.

(BTW, one result for me from doing this sort of work is that I pretty quickly stopped going the extra mile when I didn't want to. Just sayin'....)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10047 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Gently....a couple members have shown anger over their WS's only reading their SI posts...not engaging them directly.

I totally get that frustration. I can also see how a manipulator could use this against you. If that happens...wouldn't it be better to find this out then not know it and waste years?

In our case...some of my poor coping skills, combined with those of my wife, create a barrier to doing this seemingly "no brainer" task. My wife is not actively using my posts against me.

After 12 months of weekly counseling and a concentrated effort I can see this now. Unfortunately, it is taking longer to remedy this interaction then I like....so I can't suggest how to change this.

Just saying engaging is easier for me then it is for my wife...thus her A. But my engaging tactics were unhealthy and hurt our intimacy too....so just because we don't avoid conflicts doesnt make us better to handle them. KWIM?

Facing conflicts is the first step to engaging them. Your spouses reading your posts can be a positive step.... It might show they desire to look at the conflicts....even if it is just peeking at them....they are looking.

Pesce be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:33 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Hey VD,

Just wanted to see how you were doing.

I have been following your story from the beginning. I may be overstepping but I think that you and I tend to process things similarly.

Look, this is just my opinion, but almost everything written by you praises your wife, how remorseful she is, and how committed you both are to saving this.

I just re-read nearly all my posts since dday. I was/am the same. I'll admit I was thrown off yesterday when I saw your post.

What's really going on?

I've been operating under this mindframe of "she did this to me, she can fix it". But she can't fix me, only herself. She can help me, but only as much as I allow. She told me I need to actually feel my feelings which I don't.

Is this true? In your posts I haven't seen a person saying that your wife has to fix you. I have seen a person accepting that they can only fix themselves.


She said I don't allow myself to be happy, to feel secure, to feel safe, to feel anything. I'm not even allowing myself to truly feel my pain. I told her I don't know how.

Sheesh, if we could only just allow ourselves to feel safe and secure. This ain't something that just happens. Safety and security still elude me even two years out. It's better for certain, but do I feel safe and secure? Not really, not like I used to. And that's simply my reality. The truth is that I will never have the safety and security that was taken from me. Never. I'll get close...I hope...but I accept that I will never be where I was in the "safe and secure department."

I disagree that you don't feel your pain. I have read your posts and seen it there.

I don't know what happened to trigger these feelings in your R. But I do know that around a year and half out I really struggled. (I think you are around a year and a half out...I don't remember) It becomes a weight on you. A year is a long time. Especially when it just seems like it is never going to get better. It does though. With time and effort. Even if you don't stay with your wife, this shit gets better.

Anyway, I don't have much in the way of insight. I was just thinking about you.

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 7:53 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

The rage sets in at around the 2 year mark. EMDR therapy saved my life.
Hugs.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

VD,
Next time try talking about how the event made you feel (i.e., affraid, scared, out of control, triggered, alone, etc.) rather than focusing on how she should change to prevent you from feeling it. Start with this and try to keeping anger out of the conversation. I think how you felt was normal and how you treated it was Unfortunately common, but in my opinion it wasn't right. Chock it up as a learning experience, Apologize and move on.

I hope you are doing ok.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 737 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Topic Posts: 30