SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: One week
Jannarae
New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

It's been one week since dday #2 and H making the phone call to OW for no contact. But he keeps telling me he loves her and he doesn't love me. A week ago I told him that if she was what he wanted then he should go to her, but he chose to stay. I just don't understand why or what he's doing. I don't know whether to keep trying or just give up. I'm lost and alone. Just looking for advice...

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

But he keeps telling me he loves her and he doesn't love me

Sounds like he is fence sitting. You either put your foot firmly down or you continue to let him ride. If you put your foot down this won't mean that he will necessarily come on board to work with you. So if you are not quite ready for that outcome then focus on some healing for yourself until you are strong enough to make a decision and hold to it.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51951 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Jannarae
New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

A part of me thinks he's toying with me. Just trying to remind me that he can get someone else if he "feels" unhappy. Which is wrong in so many ways isn't it? I just don't understand...why stay and make a no contact phone call if he doesn't really want to be here? Maybe I'm just kidding myself with hope...

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Jannarae
New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Has no one been here before? In this situation...

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

It's hard to be hopeful about the facts you report.

Your H sounds pretty effed up. I don't know if he's a sociopath or very worried about his own sexuality or just immature or something else entirely.

Why didn't you D him 2 years ago? Why did you let him come back? Why are you accepting this treatment now?

What are you feeling - anger, grief, fear, numb?

You deserve a lot better than he's giving you. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Have you considered IC with a goal of being good to yourself?

We all adapt to the lives we experience. Behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that work at one time can stop working, and it's hard to adapt to new conditions. In other words, I do not mean the above as criticism. I suggest IC because it's easier to change with help than without it.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Jannarae
New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I didn't divorce him because we had a great agreement as far as the kids and what he was paying me. I just didn't want the courts involved. I let him back because I love him and for my boys. I can't answer the question of why I'm accepting this treatment because I don't know honestly. I feel all of those things, but numb most days. I have thought about IC just haven't actually followed through with it. I know I'm only hurting myself by not doing it...

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Stand up for yourself and go see an attorney. There are more men out there who will love you and if he doesn't then buh-bye. He may get a wake up call one way or another. The best thing for you could be his leaving or, even better, you leaving first and finding out who you are without him and with someone who love and respects you. Expecting you to stay when he doesn't love you is not respect. I am angry for you!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I didn't divorce him because we had a great agreement as far as the kids and what he was paying me.

Whoa...I am confused here. Are you his wife or his babysitter? Does he pay you for sex too? He is degrading you. Get out and get back your self respect!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Jannarae
New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Um not quite sure about that last reply. He was paying me alimony and child support, quite a bit more than I would of got if I took him to court so I chose not to divorce him. Kinda a kick a girl while she's down kinda reply...and for the record I don't sleep with him by my choice.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 9