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User Topic: Big fight with WW - story gets weirder
deeplysaddened
New Member
Member # 40607
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

To recap, I am highly suspicious of my WW of having a PA. About a year and half ago, I got infected with pubic crabs (and I have never ever been unfaithful or shared linens/towels/bedding with an infected person). At the time, I did not think much of it and thought it was headlice. I treated myself and did not think about my WW infidelity - until this August 2013. I confronted my WW about the pubic crabs in late August 2013. She was highly defensive and accused me of cheating.

So, now I am in stealth mode trying to see what's up. About 2 weeks ago, my WW tells me that she is having vaginal itching. About a day later she then tells me that she has pain with urination. I tell her that we need to get this checked out and that I would schedule an appointment with her gynecologist. She told me that it wasn't necessary and that the symptoms would probably go away in a few days. A few days go by and now she is having pink and slightly bloody vaginal discharge. I guess it was bad enough because she finally asked to set up an appointment with her doc.

The provider was nice enough to see us that day. I was not able to stay for the appointment. But, they did some tests. However, when asked if there's possibility of STD, my WW said no. She was not tested for any STDs. Instead, my WW downplayed the vaginal itching and pain with urination and stressed the intermenstrual bleeding. They did a swab for bacterial makeup in the vagina (looking for BV or bacterial vaginosis - over overgrowth of harmful bacteria).

When I get home from running errands, my WW tells me that she got a call from the doc office. They said that the test for vaginal bacterial overgrowth is positive and that she needs an antibiotic (Metronidiazole) for treatment of presumably bacterial vaginosis.

Today, I talked to the provider about her appointment and the positive bacterial overgrowth test. When I asked the provider about the positive bacterial
overgrowth test, she seemed puzzled and told me that test was negative (and there was no need to take that medication). As we talked more, I ask her if other tests were performed (STD testing and pap smear). These tests were not done.

Anways, I get things straightened out and have WW scheduled to go in at the end of this week to get the pap smear, HPV test and STD testing. Of course, the provider said that I would need to talk to the WW about the STD testing.

When my WW gets home from work today, I tell about the tests and what we needed to do. I was honest and told her that there's a possibility that the cause for her symptoms could be due to cervical lesions, endometrial lining pathology, polpys, fibroids, and STD's. I told her that Chlamydia can certainly cause the problem.

Her reaction was interesting. First, she was kind of mad that we were told the wrong information about the bacterial overgrowth test. Then, she started to say we need to find a different provider.

I basically told her that these symptoms were serious and that we need to do all the tests to rule out or rule in the disease.

So after dinner, I am at my computer and the WW comes in and asks me when will I be apologizing to her for accusing her of infecting me with crabs. This came out of nowhere. Why toninght? She wanted to know when I would apologize for accusing her of being unfaithful. WTF?

Then we get into this heated discussion. She asks me why I thought we should have the provider run tests for STDs.

I take Bigger's advice and say that we need honesty and need to each take a poygraph test to see who is telling the truth about the crabs. She says I cheated. I say she brought the crabs into our marriage.

Of course, my WW refuses to take the polygraph. She says even if she passed the test, that I am so obsessed that I would not be satisfied and keep trying to find things to accuse her of. She goes on to tell me that I am the one with the problem and that she has done nothing wrong.

I asked her numerous times to get the polygraph. But, she was adamant and keep blaming me.

I asked her why of all nights would she come to me asking for an apology about the crabs. I mean that confrontation was in August 2013. Of course, she had no answer. I am thinking that she is worrying about the possibility that she contracted Chalmydia and that the next visit to the doc will prove it. but, I could be wrong.

This is really going nowhere. There is no way she will admit to any wrongdoing. I asked her what happens next if the test comes back positive for Chlamydia. She shrugged her shoulders and then began to accuse me of bringing the disease into the marriage. I told her that it was not possible because my recent STD checkup was negative for all diseases. She had no response.

This thing is getting ugly.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2013
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

deeplysaddened, how heartbreaking. Bigger always has amazing advice and I hope he will be along shortly.

I would assume you have been told about the whole 'gaslighting'.

"No it was you that brought it into our marriage, no it was you who cheated"

She's putting you on the defensive route where you spend more time justifying why you didn't do either of these things.

Other than that I would drag her to that bloody doctor (no pun intended). She's being ridiculous and she knows that the game is coming to an end. There's no sort of way for her to 'save face' so to speak.

Good luck


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I suppose it is STD test or divorce, that is the only way you can go with this. Some people would not admit a thing even if you caught them in the act, so you might have to be prepared to end it without any confession.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
forlornheart
Member
Member # 40726
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

What a horrible situation. I don't really have advice other than I agree with Lauren, but I wonder if you should be checked as well.

If this is a recent infection from your wife she very well my have passed it on to you as well. I know because this happened to me as well....I found out when I was 4 months pregnant!

I almost lost that baby!

Deb


Me: 48- BW
Him: 45-WH-chronic cheater, PA and EA
Current Her: Mid to late 30's fatassed, no necked, troglodyte
D Day: August 23, 2013
Separated: August 23, 2013


Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

How are you talking with her doctors and setting every thing up for her? I don't know if she is cheating it seems your doing a lot of spying you would have found something but does your wife accuse you of being controlling?

How long have you been accusing her of cheating?


Posts: 473 | Registered: Aug 2009
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

She gave you pubic crabs and she is asking you to apologise, Now she may be having clamydia and accussing you of cheating.

You dint have sex with anyone else so its sure for you that she had sex with someone else still she is gaslighting you and your response seems tooo weak.

She is abusing your intelligence and you are taking it. Stop this and ask her to get tested for STDs, get tested for STDs and ask her to stop her nauseating bull shits and come clean about her infidelities.

First put your big boy pant and act like a real man who is not ready to accept any more abuse.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

It does seem as if your wife is afraid she has an STD; that will be proof of her affair and then she will have to face up to the upheaval that will cause.

She may refuse to allow the test to be carried out, but then if the infection is not identified and treated it may lead to severe complications later, so in reality she has little choice. Make sure she shows you the printed results of her tests; she may refuse to disclose if there are any positives.

You may be about to get the evidence you have sought for and were unable to obtain. Better start planning what you are going to do if a STD is revealed.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

She gave you crabs and you know it was her. You don''t need a poly, you need a full battery of STD tests, as does she.

I can''t imagine a woman who puts up with vaginal itching and weird discharge and proceeds to lie to the doctor about it ... except for a cheater who goes to the doctor *with* her husband she''s trying to hide things from. So this is going to be tough for you. For HER health, she needs to go to the doc without you there so she can be honest. But then of course, you have to believe what she tells you as a result of that appointment.

Of course, the provider said that I would need to talk to the WW about the STD testing.
Is your wife under 18? This makes no sense. Why do you have to do this?

I don''t mean to be harsh because I can see that this gaslighting you''re dealing with is crazy making, but what you do is tell your WW that there''s no sex with you until she can prove to you that she has been tested for everything, including HIV, and has nothing. And not her word from a doctor''s phone call, but a print out of the test results.

And then, when you have that clean panel? You tell your WW there''s no sex with you until she can prove to you she''s not having a PA. It''s hardball time. I say this all the time to new folks, it''s easy to get caught up in the emotion of the betrayal and forget that when someone fucks around on you, they are risking your life.

And if she squawks at any of this? That''s what the 180 is for. To protect you, give you distance, give you back your power. If you 180, the only thing that will penetrate is her *actions* because at this point, words mean nothing. I mean, good lord, she''ll put up with having the equivalent of jock itch in order to hide her transgressions from you! That''s a woman who''s lost right now. And you can''t save her. I''m sorry.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

...we need honesty and need to each take a poygraph test to see who is telling the truth about the crabs. She says I cheated. I say she brought the crabs into our marriage.

deeplysaddened,

no, you do not need a polygraph. If you have been telling the truth in your post, then you know who is and is not telling the truth.

This is really going nowhere.

Because you keep accusing and she keeps denying. Change the dynamic. If you do not want t6o be married to a wife who contracts STDs and lies, thenstart taking steps to end the M.

I agree with hummingbird that you seem overly involved in her making, attending, following through with medical appointments.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

If you didn't stay for the appointment, then you have only her word about the STD testing. My guess is she admitted it and that's why the doctor told you you needed to talk to your WW about it- nobody wants a lawsuit.

Even if your WW signed to release her healthcare info to you, th provider would be leery about basically outing an A to you.

Her reaction was interesting. First, she was kind of mad that we were told the wrong information about the bacterial overgrowth test. Then, she started to say we need to find a different provider.

Her reaction was a cover up. She didn't get the wrong results...she lied to you about the results. If your WW has the meds, she got the prescription from somewhere...likely another provider that DID do STD testing and doesn't have a release form signed.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I agree with wonderpets, give your WW a choice, test for STD's and the poly or D.

Her answer will tell you everything.

And if she chooses D, then tell her employer. At that point you'll have nothing to loose.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
keptmypromise
Member
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Your WW, for whatever reason, is in the deny,deny,deny state. I have been there. I was suspicious for two years, and all accusations were responded to by making me out to be crazy. I went into stealth mode (phone spyware) to finally prove my suspicions. I feel your pain and frustration.


Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Tell her employer??

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

So, now I am in stealth mode trying to see what's up.

I do not think calling her doctor is stealth mode. That will definitely get back to her. You need to be more stealth in your stealth mode.

So after dinner, I am at my computer and the WW comes in and asks me when will I be apologizing to her for accusing her of infecting me with crabs. This came out of nowhere. Why toninght? She wanted to know when I would apologize for accusing her of being unfaithful. WTF?

She is obviously onto your stealth mode. She is trying to guilt you into stopping it. You are going to have to be extra stealth now because she is onto what you are doing.

That is if you need more evidence. The alternative is to say you have enough evidence and change it up. Taking steps to end the M would do this and maybe get her out of her spriral of lies, it may not though. Asking you to appologize is pretty deep in the fog.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2012
Afraid2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Metronidazole is used to treat Trichomoniasis, which is an STD.


BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

If you read up on Trich it can lay dormant for quite a while and both parties need to be treated.

Posts: 473 | Registered: Aug 2009
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

She is stalling and hoping for one of two outcomes.

1) She manages to keep her results from you and you never have definitive proof. Life goes on.

2) You test positive for STDs and she accuses you of giving it to her. She claims to be the BS.


Posts: 196 | Registered: Sep 2013
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Holy-Isis brings up an interesting scenario. And it could explain why she all of the sudden wants a new provider...otherwise, it is going to be weird going in again for a 2nd round of tests that she just had done.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Today, I talked to the provider about her appointment and the positive bacterial overgrowth test. When I asked the provider about the positive bacterial
overgrowth test, she seemed puzzled and told me that test was negative (and there was no need to take that medication). As we talked more, I ask her if other tests were performed (STD testing and pap smear). These tests were not done.

Of course the provider was 'puzzled'...they know she is lying and they are caught in the middle of what she told you versus what really happened.

Guess I am puzzled as to why the Provider would even be doing a follow-up conversation with you IF they had really already spoken to your W. Sounds like they are putting themself in a very ackward position in regards to patiend confidentiality.

You know what is really going on here - don't be fooled by all the smoke and mirrors.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2056 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

So sorry to say this, but it seems like it may be time for some drastic measures on your part. See an attorney, then let her know that you saw one. If she plays naive and asks you why tell her that you obviously think that she is a cheat and she claims that she is not. Ask her, "do you want to stay with someone who thinks that you are a cheater?" Then say, you don't want to stay with someone who you know cheated and won't even do the right thing and tell the truth. This may open the doors to communication.

She has brought disease to you , twice, and has no remorse for it and didn't even stop after the first time. Please deeplysaddened, take care of yourself.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Fire96
Member
Member # 34131
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Deeplysaddened,

You might try and logon to your insurance provider online. If the billing has been processed, there is a good chance her diagnosis is listed in the reports.


Me, BS-54
WW-49
DD, 1/9/2011

Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Your case is a bit of an enigma and I really can’t give you any concrete advice. At best I can give you my thoughts… This post will meander all around but hopefully you will bear with me.

If I take individual issues you mention then I could logically reach the conclusion that she’s having an affair and be 80-90% certain. Put it this way; If I was still a cop I would have reason to pull her over and apply some pressure. However when I take the total of what you write and combine your suspicions, her behavior, circumstances and typical behaviors and reactions of people in affairs… My confidence drops significantly.
To me the only really big red flag is the pubic lice. If it wasn’t for that then my infidelity-radar would hardly note a blip with your scenario. With the crabs… It’s a big flashing blob.

As a cop if I was looking for a car-thief I wasn’t allowed to stop every young minority male with tats and dressed a certain way simply because stats and my gut might tell me that the thief would fit that profile. I also learned that if I limited my investigation to reach the conclusion that the thief fit the profile then I wasn’t going to succeed. That’s why is suggested you expand your investigation to discover if she’s cheating with another man – NOT if she’s cheating with a specific other man.

OK – So what’s bothering me?

Well – You portray the OM as a major player. A janitor that walks around the office, fixes the doors, stocks the supplies room, changes the light bulbs and then does the women during lunch (you think he’s having an affair with more than your wife). Furthermore the sex is so intense they have to change into work-out clothes before the festivities commence. A player who probably has some more women lined up for casual sex because one of them gave him crabs that he then brought to your wife (if this is the true scenario). Cue in bright lights, harsh video recording and you have the plot for the average porno movie.

Just doesn’t add up to me:
a) For semi-normal people crabs have a very limited lifespan. It’s not as if you get the itch and then wait a week or don’t do anything. You itch – look – shake your head in wonder – take action. The action doesn’t require a doctor’s visit so it’s quick and simple. So if your WW got it from the janitor then it’s something he has had for a short time. Now MAYBE it was the first time they had sex. MAYBE he managed to talk his way through it. But as a rule getting a STD is a real turn-off.
b) The crabs and the idea that OM is also having an affair with another woman at the office… If experience has shown us anything here on SI then it’s wayward people hate being cheated on. As weird as it sounds then people having affairs tend to expect their AP to be monogamous (well… expect for their spouse… go figure). So getting crabs from OM if the affair has been ongoing and sharing a lover with Tracy down in bookkeeping… No… Doesn’t make sense to me.

Then there is your latest post. Once again you go look for a way to fit your conclusion. Don’t… Definitely get a full examination of what might be causing these issues (including STD tests) but don’t assume right away it’s an STD. Even if it is then also keep in mind that HPV CAN flare up years (and decades) after its transmitted. This scenario has been here on SI several times so I recall.

But hey! Don’t get me wrong! There are big red flags that need to be addressed. The crabs, the secretive behavior and the (yes – possible STD) clearly indicate you need to be on your toes. Yes – there is enough to justify a reasonable concern for infidelity…

But frankly IF this turns out to be a STD then that coupled with the crabs and some other factors in your WW behavior… I would be more suspect of chance, one off encounters. You know – pick-ups at the gym, random sex partners at the park, craigslist hookups … more in that scenario. [I will admit I am biased – this is the sort of pick-ups my former fiancé frequented. She was super-“normal”, lovable and extremely nice but she would pick up random sex-partners. But although I am biased then what that did was make me realize “nice” and “normal” people can be sexually weird…]

Be careful about circular arguments: If she is the first to tell you she has a possible STD it must be because she is guilty. If she does not tell you about a possible STD it must be because she is guilty. If she accuses you of giving her crabs it’s because she’s guilty. If she doesn’t then it’s because she is guilty…

OK – Now on to a totally different tangent. What surprises me based on the state of your marriage is how much you two seem to communicate. The detail you know about your WW health issues… staggers me. But it’s all positive. It’s something I would try to build on. I for one doubt a spouse in an affair and/or thinks he/she has a STD would tell you in detail the issues she has. If your WW had simply told you she had a gyno examination would you have raised any questions? It’s a no-win situation when we always only see the possible negative outcome.

And yes, metronidazole can be used to treat STD’s but it’s also used for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease that can be caused by numerous things such as a bacterial imbalance, the IUD and more. Once again don’t try to make the evidence fit the crime.


Once again: I am not saying she isn’t having an affair.

What I am saying is that there are things that indicate she might be cheating, but more or less all the evidence you and your PI have found is still very circumstantial and I think it will be circumstantial at best as long as you search for evidence to fit a predetermined pattern.

If your communications are OK then I would try reasoning with her on this path.
1) You think I brought the crabs – I think you did. Can you imagine any other alternative? Can you imagine any other reason than infidelity that this happened? I’m totally open for any reasonable excuse.
2) I don’t really appreciate living together under the shadow of YOU thinking I cheated. I am surprised that you feel comfortable living with me if I accuse you wrongly of infidelity.
3) Do you really think this marriage is sustainable while we have these suspicions?
4) What realistic suggestions do you have so we can clear the air? Simply believing each other isn’t an option…
5) Why do you fear if we each answer 3-4 questions at a poly. These questions can be identical and solely based on fidelity in this marriage in the last 12 months.
6) What other suggestion do you have?

Deeply – I think SI is a fantastic site and that it is one of the best tool for dealing with infidelity you can find. There is however one situation I think we suck in; situations like yours. We tend to see infidelity in ANY action and have a hard time imagining other reasons for certain behaviors. It’s a no-win situation because we will tell you that action A proves infidelity and it’s opposite will also prove infidelity.

Infidelity is definitely amongst the toughest things I have dealt with. It took me 17 YEARS to recover to where I am today. OK – So maybe 18 months post d-day I only had a slight mental limp left to cure but still, full recovery took that long. That’s why I am not so enthusiastic about finding infidelity in your marriage IF there really isn’t any.

Note that small word: IF

There are definitely red flags and you definitely need resolve but your research and a PI haven’t been able to do better but bring theories to the table…


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5517 | Registered: Sep 2005
Butterfly24
Member
Member # 39053
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I don't know if your wife is cheating or not, she could be, but she also could not be.

But I agree with another poster. Why are you calling her dr? And why are you making appointments for her? If it were me I would be pissed also and I am not cheating.

It is possible that your wife does have bv or even a yeast infection. both of these would cause the symptoms you described. What puzzles me though is why your wife doesn't want to get it taken care of.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

The making appointments for your wife also twigged me the wrong way. I know wives who schedule for their husbands, but I've never heard before of a man who schedules stuff for his wife. Maybe I'm too old. Do you normally schedule her appointments or did you make this (these) appointment(s) for her to make sure that she DID go to the doctor? I can certainly understand the latter.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7180 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry about this. If she can't come clean I think you need to consult an attorney. You need to know your options. I am sure she is afraid to tell you and humiliated in some ways, but that is her fault. If she won't get the testing then it is obvious she is lying. I would take the polygraph and then hook her up to it. Good luck...truly....Also, FIre96 is right....if your doctor's office has something where you can look at records online you could see the results there. I know I have that and it's how I contact my doctor and get results.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

It is possible that your wife does have bv or even a yeast infection. both of these would cause the symptoms you described.

Yes...but...it is mighty coincidental that two instances of potential STDs crop up within a year? Some women are prone to yeast infections, urinary tract infections and vaginosis. Those women don't even need to go to the doc to have them checked out - they just know what they have and they get a script. Others who don't typically have those things generally get them ONLY with a new sexual partner (or when their sexual partner has other partners) because they often happen when new "flora" are introduced. So, even if it really is vaginosis, I'd be damn worried as to why she happens to get it now, when other red flags are going up.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
deeplysaddened
New Member
Member # 40607
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

About the scheduling of my WW appointment...it's pretty standard. She asks me to schedule pretty much all appointments (from hers, mine or the kids). To her, scheduling appointments is busywork. If it is busywork to her, she'll want me to do it. And yes, she even asks me to schedule her gyn appointments. I can understand why she doesn't like to do the scheduling of these types of appointments. All the insurance hassels, copays, contracted rates or self cash pay rates. And remember, I am kind of the househusband in this relationship.

About the mess up of the bacterial overgrowth test...I really don't know how this happened. I know my wife is doing some serious gaslighting, but I don't think she lied about the bacterial overgrowth test. Someone from the gyn office did call. I think it was a mix up at the office.

From the very get go of our marriage, we have always (or almost always) gone to the gyn/ob together. We are very open about it and all other healthcare issues. I wish it were this way about her work related stuff.

Bacterial vaginosis is not technically a STD. WHile it is associated with multiple sex partners, new partner, lack of condom use, it can be seen in women who douche. Pregnancy can change the enviroment in the vagina (thus decreasing the normal number of lactobacilli, resulting in increase of ph). Flagyl or Metronidazole is the drug of choice.

My WW has never had a yeast infection or BV.

Her appointment was confusing because of the way insurance will or will not pay for certain tests (depending if the indication is for a well visit or not). We went in thinking we would get everything taken care of in 1 visit. Because she came in for a specific problem, the insurance company would not cover a routine pap smear. She actually called me during the middle of her appointment to try to explain the process. Later, I called her provider because I wasn't sure why the pap smear was not done. My wife was okay with that. Though she was not okay with me asking for the STD panel. But, when I hear burning with urination, discharge, itchyness, and slight odor, infectious etiologies are at the top of the list.

Right now, the priority is to figure out what the cause of her symptoms and treat it. The fidelity or infidelity issues we will tackle (battle?) once we cure the health issues.

Bigger you are so right about jumping to conclusions. I will try to heed your advice. And you are right, even though there is tension between me the the WW, we still communicate quite well.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2013
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I don't know if she is cheating. Honestly I think if she was as much as you are spying you would have found something by now. But I think if she was cheating she wouldn't have brought to your attention her symptoms and would have privately made an gyn appointment to get it taken care of without you knowing. Whether it's busywork or not if she had something to hide she would be hiding it.

You say she goes to the gym could she have gotten the crabs from there? I think she believes you are cheating and controlling and accusing her of something that she isn't doing. If I felt like my husband was checking up on me at work when I had never given him a reason to I wouldn't be too happy either. However if he wanted to visit I'd love it. I just wonder what kind of comments you are saying to her and how long it has been going on.

Have you ever cheated on her? Or in a past relationship that she knows of?


Posts: 473 | Registered: Aug 2009
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Hrm. Crabs, other weirdness, excuses, does any woman on the planet still douche knowing how dangerous it is?

I''''m sorry, I think you''''re gaslighting yourself. Especially given your now firm stance of having to get the health issues taken care of first. If you really feel that way, then why did you post?

Sometimes it can be hard. One can post doubts and then in the face of many saying "wow, valid doubts" it can make a person run for the safety of doubting SI posters trying to help. You wouldn''''t be here without reason so ... I still suggest you get a full STD panel for yourself.

[This message edited by cayc at 3:23 PM, October 10th, 2013 (Thursday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

All you have control over is yourself..
Make sure you are clean..Get STD tested every 3-6 months for the rest of this year... Do two or three cycles of testing every 3-4 months apart until you are sure that you are clean and that you are in a life situation in which you are stable and you aren't at risk for getting STD's.. At the very least you want to be able to identify the partner who gave you the STD


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 30