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Just Found Out
User Topic: Torn - shows regret but nt remorse
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Am only a month in but something someone said in a previous post I read rang true - that if there isn't true remorse by end of first month it's probably unlikely to come...I had an argument last night about the A as essentially my H claims the issues of communication in our M post multiple miscarriages led him to shut down and that in turn led him to the A where he was seeking to communicate with someone and connect. I got very mad and said that a third person should never have been a solution he considered - he could either have left or put energies I to addressing what he felt with me but I refuse to take responsibility for him being an unfaithful man. Also I think he paints that period as he wants to see it - I remember us being happy expecting out first child. I am wondering whether I need to walk away as I am not seeing true remorse and I feel like a fool for staying when he doesn't show it...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
forlornheart
Member
Member # 40726
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I can't say whether you should leave or not but I do know you are not responsible even a little bit for his affair! He needs to own that 100%.

Problems in a marriage can be claimed by both parties....that I understand and agree, but there are choices that can be made that don't included infidelity!!!

No one forced him to do that....no one asked him to do that....he made the choice all on his own to drop his pants.

Don't take blame for that......

I'm so sorry that you are here, but glad you found it because this is truly a great group. I'm new myself and have received such heartfelt support and great advice!

Hang in there......

Deb


Me: 48- BW
Him: 45-WH-chronic cheater, PA and EA
Current Her: Mid to late 30's fatassed, no necked, troglodyte
D Day: August 23, 2013
Separated: August 23, 2013


Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

You should be disappointed and angry that you have not seen remorse from your WH, but with all due respect about the comment of not seeing remorse in the first month...that is probably in the minority. Go over to the Wayward forum, or look on the I Can Relate thread for BS questions to WS---and you can see how it often takes months for them to start coming to their senses.

The last thing that I want to do is to justify your WH's behavior. He is acting like an effing idiot. And I don't think that you should "wait" for him to come around. As long as he is not showing remorse, then you should be working on an exit plan---because all you have to go off of at this time is his current behavior.

If he wants to currently provide you with a marriage that you don't want to be in, then accept that...and show him that you will not continue in this marriage. THAT is what has the best chance of pulling his head out of his ass---the reality that you won't stay in this current marriage.

And if he doesn't change? As difficult as it may be, you will already be on a path heading away from this infidelity.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I wholeheartedly agree with JB - even about the 1-month remorse theory. Everybody and every situation is different so to generalize like that is a bit far fetched. If right now he's not giving you what you need, you have to show him consequences. THAT will make him start to think and in order to think, he'll have to pull his head out of the orifice in which it's currently firmly planted. That'll be when he's likely to show you TRUE remorse and that'll be when you'll be able to make a more informed decision.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

agree with jb, and this coming from a hardliner @ remorse.
If you turn it around, the question is not how long it takes for them to have remorse, but how long you tolerate the lack of it.

The sooner you can turn your mind into healing yourself, say, the first part of any exit plan is the 180, the better.


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

We just hit 4 months past d-day and it's been hell on earth. There's been fog and TT and he freaking works with her AND he has temper problems. I am just now starting to see him understand wtf happened and really roll up his sleeves and do the work needed to maybe save this family. He was shell shocked too all this time. I don't buy into the 1 month rule at all, and glad I never saw that stat before now.

That being said, I agree with the others about not tolerating his crappy behavior. I was such a mess and unable to function that I think I tolerated much more than I should have, at 3 months I was strong enough to kick him out and we separated for a week. I WISH I had done that immediately after d-day, but live and learn I guess. The clarity I gained while being apart changed me for the better, I became strong again, I knew I would be ok with or without him and I knew I would not settle for his sh/t another minute longer. The terror HE experienced while being apart gave HIM clarity too, shit got real for him in a hurry. We couldn't have gotten there together, we had to do it alone.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:55 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

What jjct said..
****The question shouldn't be how long does it take for the WS to feel/express remorse but how long do we tolerate THE LACK of remorse****
This hit the nail squarely on the head for me..
It's not as if my marriage was so awesome to begin with.. I am not willing to put up with WS's Bull Crap to stay in it..

We still live in the same house but my WS's lack of remorse has killed any desire I ever had to save the M..I have no respect for WH, he is no longer attractive to me as a marriage partner..I see him as a needy, whiny immature POS.....I have been on the 180 course for a long time and I think WH thrives off of my 180..I can't wait until I am in a situation in which I can afford to physically leave and still be legally and financially protected..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:09 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Nov 2011
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Not sure about the one month thing. I do know it appears TRUE remorse is actually way more rare than it seems. I am a year out with an unremorseful WH who would rather live in his denial than fix his life. So - admitting I am biased here. BUT - I *KNEW* what this should look like and it hasn't yet and it won't. Not in my WH anyways. I wish I had the knowledge and courage to face it a month after my Dday. Only you know what you are willing to tolerate. It sucks either way.

Hugs and strength to you...


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

One month is often not enough sometimes. It took my WW 2 months to realize that she had to let go and send NC to OM. Regret often sets in fast, remorse takes time.

Your post sounds like your H is reaching to try to justify his actions by making marriage complaints. He hasnt been able to fully look in the mirror and accept blame for his actions.

Often I will hear the WS are 100% to blame for A, but the marriage is 50/50 line here. My advise is to not even go there, especially early after DDay - I don't think that type of thought process is good to go down in your type of situation. Don't accept any marriage blame. When you told him he had choices if he had problems with the marriage that is exactly the right move. Don't let him sneak rewritten marriage history in as partial blame for either A or M - that will only make it longer for him to get to remorse if he will ever be able to get there.

In my situation with my WW I told her when we are talking about the A, I will not allow any discussion of any M issues to be even allowed. If she wants to talk about a M issue that is a separate conversation but it will not be discussed in an A discussion.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2012
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you everyone - so damn hard to want to see true remorse and feel let down...am so conflicted given we have a small child and we have moments every day when we play with him that I forget all this for a short period. I hate that I can't make this go away and un-happen...it feels like such a tragic waste

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

All of us have different stories and different waywards. I wouldn't put too much faith into the one month timeline for remorse. My wife didn't express any real remorse until about 7 months or so. Terrible. But I would add that the longer you go without seeing remorse, the less likely it is to come.

I also agree with jjct. At some point the pain of dealing with a remorseless spouse just isn't worth it anymore.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1293 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Topic Posts: 11