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Wayward Side
User Topic: need advice-new to here
anotherchance
New Member
Member # 40747
Stop  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I was having an A for 1 1/2 yrs with a Co-worker. I was actually fired from my job b/c of it. Dday was about 6 Weeks ago. I'm comitted to R. We've gone to MC and I'm also going to IC. The worst part for my BS is that I had the AP in our bed the night he was in the hospital recovering from surgery. I feel absolutely horrible for all of the pain I have caused. Problem is my BS just doesn't believe anything I say anymore. My AP disappeared when my BS tried to contact him, but I'm glad he's gone. I want nothing to do with him. Our MC thinks my A has to do with issues from my past with my father. That is why IC was suggested. I feel better going to IC, but it is going to be a long process. My BS just feels that I'm using my past as an excuse, meanwhile it was something my BS and I discussed before going to MC and then it was brought up in the session. I continue to have issues with my father, which make this harder. I ask him for help, and he either doesn't want to know details or only wants to help on his terms. I don't know what's going to happen with my M, but I want R. I guess maybe it would be easier if I had some support, but even if IC works, it won't change my dad. My BS asked if we do R & stay together that I have no contact with my family. I honestly have no problem with that, since they're really not there for me anyway.
I was out of work for 2 months and just started a new job 2 days ago. I've been dreading starting work again, b/c I knew it would be hard for my BS and it has been. The last 2 days he's been miserable. He's sent me nasty text messages and I just feel like for every baby step we take forward, we take giant leaps backward. My BS is disabled and has been out of work for 8 out of the 9 years we've been married. I love my BS so much and he just can't understand why. I struggle to give him an answer, b/c I don't know myself. I want to R, but sometimes I just don't know if that's possible for my BS with the way he feels sometimes. I want to help him, somehow make it easier, but I just feel so helpless. I can't help but hate myself more each and every day.
I know I have rambled and said a lot, but I have been reading posts on SI for Weeks and would just like to hear from people like me. My BS is a member also and has posted recently. He's actually the one who found it and suggested it to me. I guess I just want to know I'm not alone.

[This message edited by anotherchance at 9:56 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

My BH and I are both committed to building a new relationship with each other. We've been in IC and MC (same counselor) since just a few days after DDay. Our good days outnumber our bad ones, but those bad ones can still be pretty harrowing for him. I've been working on changing my hurtful behaviors, and I'm still working, and I still mess it up from time to time.

In our recovery process, one of the things I regret is that I wasn't/ haven't been more proactive in finding resources like this website. Take the lead. Every action must demonstrate that you are willing to change because you love him. When he sends those nasty text messages, take it without being defensive. That is him sharing the pain that you caused him. If you love him, share the pain.

There is, sadly, so much that we have to learn from each other here.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 213 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
anotherchance
New Member
Member # 40747
Cool  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

How can I make my BS realize how much I love him? He thinks the only reason is because I didn't really love him or he didn't satisfy me. The whole time I always loved him, I still do. How can he undestand that what I did wasn't about him. I may have tried to fool myself it was, but it wasn't, it was about me. How do I show him that I never saw a future with my AP? He wants answers that I don't know yet. I'm going to IC to try and find out. How can I ask for his patience when I don't deserve it.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013
cantgoback
Member
Member # 20747
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I don't want to be discouraging, but you have a long road ahead of you. Although my BS and I were able to R for 5 years,things were never quite right between us. I did not make enough changes and I always felt like I was not good enough for her, often walking on eggshells. It is tough to give up on a relationship, especially when you feel that you still love the BS. I am not saying that is what you need to do, just keep in mind that you have a long road ahead of you. Your BS has to be willing to go to MC and work hard to get past his pain.


Me - WS 43
BS - 43 (hurtattheshore)
M - 14 years in October
2 Wonderful Children
2 Very Sweet Dogs

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: brick nj
anotherchance
New Member
Member # 40747
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I'm aware its a long road. Sometimes I'm concerned that my BS isn't willing to take that journey b/c its too hard for him. I see how hard it is for him every day. I'm afraid he won't think its worth it in the end. He doesn't understand how I can say I love him, when I essentially ruined both of our lives, b/c it didn't think about the consequences of my actions.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

The best thing you can do now is be open and honest from now on. He is not going to trust you for YEARS..I'll say it again...Years. Because he confronted you on this issue and you were deceptive and didn't tell the truth until cornered. You have to change your whole perspective and see that being honest will get you farther than any lie could.

You are going to have to be patient and give him the time he needs to believe you are really being honest with him.

Stay NC
apologize often
Be open and honest
Be transparent
Reassure him
Show true remorse

It's going to be a long journey and recovery is going to depend on how much heavy lifting you are willing to do


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2480 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
breakingpoint
Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

You both need to be in IC. My husband and I have taken a break from talking about the US stuff but have really been exploring our own personal issues. Hurts from your past don't excuse behavior but they help you to understand why you got to where you were.

Your BS needs to go as well. He has to deal with this in a healthy way. Going to MC together can help you to decide what you can do to work together. This helped us because at times we decided not to talk about certain things, and other times we decided we were both ready to share.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
SadScientist
New Member
Member # 40784
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, October 14th (Monday)

He thinks the only reason is because I didn't really love him or he didn't satisfy me. The whole time I always loved him, I still do. How can he undestand that what I did wasn't about him.

This.
he just can't understand why. I struggle to give him an answer, b/c I don't know myself.

This.
I can't help but hate myself more each and every day.

THIS!

Every one of these words I've said to myself.

I really have no advice to offer (as I have been watching my BH move out all weekend), except on the last one. Do not, I repeat... DO NOT hate yourself over this. Yes, you screwed up, but self-loathing will not fix anything. It becomes a slippery slope. At first you feel justified in hating yourself, because you had an A, and you "deserve it". But at some point, it destroys any good you have in your soul, until you've gone from feeling hate, to being hate.

Don't be hate.


Me: WS (30's)
Him: STBXBS (30's)
DS (13) mine
DD (5) ours

“He knows that you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy.”


Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tulsa
Topic Posts: 8