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User Topic: One and done dates--a vent
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

There is this "phenomenon" that keeps happening to me. I have a nice first date, we talk, we laugh, we flirt, there is mutual attraction (as in we both say "there is attraction"--I'm not guessing here ), plans for getting together again may be spoken, or an "I'd like to see you again" is said by him to me. Things look positive for a second meeting. And then, after a few emails or texts, no specific plans are made, no second date occurs, and I move on.

I've followed up with a couple of these guys (because I'm nosy) and learned that one was multi dating and decided to pursue that relationship, another said that he liked being on a date with me and that "scared him" so he realized he wasn't ready to date, and a third explained that he was going through a lot of "stuff" emotionally and realized that he needed more time before dating...

I realize that there is no need to beat myself up over this, it just happens and it (probably) isn't anything I am doing or not doing. I realize that when a man is "into" me I will know it by his actions not his words, and that waiting for this kind of relationship will be worth it. I am grateful that men have eliminated themselves from my dating pool if they aren't ready to date, saving me from future frustration. I understand that feelings of "this is a nice date" can fade and change with examination the next morning...but it still SUCKS. It still hurts. It still is very discouraging...

This didn't happen to me when I dated before...before on line dating, and that may be the factor here...one really doesn't know what someone is like when you meet them on line only...but when I've gone a date with someone from on line dating and I'm not attracted when meeting in person, I sure as hell don't suggest a second date...

I really wish that more of my "good first dates" would turn into actual second dates more often...I want rejection AFTER they've gotten to know me or after I've gotten to know them, not before...

Is this happening with anybody else? How do you keep from being discouraged?

My friends keep saying "it is a numbers game". My dating numbers are pretty dang high already...ugh...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I hated online dating. I think there is a kid in the candy store type mentality and the men I met were always looking for more. So even if they said they were no longer online looking, I would find out they were. It just wasn't for me. I realized it had nothing to do with me.

I'm sorry it hurts.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I think this is an OLD specific thing. Partly because you think you know something about a person from their profile thus getting your hopes up for what is essentially a total stranger. And then because OLD opens up the dating pool significantly. No longer are you meeting someone you have something in common with (you shop at the same store, go to the same gym) or kind of, sort of know because you''''ve interacted with them peripherally through work or whatever. In the latter scenarios, you already have a sense of the person, or perhaps one or the other of you is already smitten. That just doesn''''t happen with OLD. The "you''''re nice, you''''re attractive" is a first glance kind of thing, with no substance, so even a good first date is fairly easy to blow off.

All of which is to say, definitely don''''t take the first date rejection to mean anything when that first date person is from OLD.

[This message edited by cayc at 2:53 PM, October 9th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I just counted the other day (off the top of my head, so I could be missing some.) I've been dating on and off since last August, with a 6 month break this spring/early summer. I have been on 22 first dates. 22!!! Very few second dates. Maybe 6? And a couple of those were more or less pity dates (in which case I always pay my way or my way plus more), plus thinking that maybe I'd be attracted to someone if I got to know him better.

I've had many strange experiences, but most of all I've found out that I'm either really bad at screening people out or I'm not attracted to that many people. Probably a combination!

I take breaks pretty regularly and have learned not to take it all that seriously.

In a way, I envy those who find someone right away, but I try to think of this as a learning experience.

Of the guys I was really interested in:

1. One broke things off after three weeks, we got together after 10 days of separation because he missed me so much, had a few more weeks together, and then he realized that he really wasn't over his ex. (Grrr...why are you on OLD?)

2. One we had a great first date, texted a lot after, made plans, but he got sick (or should I say "sick") twice, then he poofed.

3. One we had three great dates, but then he told me that he had to work things out in his head. I don't know what that means, but I'm guessing he wasn't over a previous GF.

I hear your frustration! I have a second date tonight and first dates Friday and Saturday, so maybe my luck will turn around!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Dec 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I realize that there is no need to beat myself up over this, it just happens and it (probably) isn't anything I am doing or not doing. I realize that when a man is "into" me I will know it by his actions not his words, and that waiting for this kind of relationship will be worth it. I am grateful that men have eliminated themselves from my dating pool if they aren't ready to date, saving me from future frustration. I understand that feelings of "this is a nice date" can fade and change with examination the next morning...but it still SUCKS. It still hurts. It still is very discouraging...

I have had this happen to me twice now.....the ONLY 2 1st dates I've had from online dating and I "thought" both were amazing wonderful dates where there was mutual attraction (spoken as you said and not assumed) and even mention of 2nd dates and future activities that we could do together.....only to end up with POOFERS....

I hate POOFERS! They suck. And, I agree that I'm glad they eliminated themselves from my dating pool since they were obviously not a match......however....I would have enjoyed dating them just a little longer to get the experience of getting to know someone else and them giving me a chance to get to know me better.

I hate thinking that a date was perfect only to find out YOU were the only one that thought that way. I never had this problem dating before. I don't know what the deal is now. Oh well.

This is why I stopped dating for a while. Its too damn frustrating. Just keeping my bus seat warm.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Bombshell
Member
Member # 36058
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Boy, I feel your pain. I have been OLD for a few months. Several first dates and some seconds. One guy we had quite a relationship and got along really well. But, he travels a lot and still has kids at home. All of a sudden...POOF...he needs a couple of weeks to sort things out and he will call me. WOW. What the hell? I spotted that he was OLD just yesterday! I haven't heard from him in several days.
Why can't he just say he doesn't want to see me any more? It does hurt. It's hard because you take it personally.
I know there's a lesson in here somewhere, but it sure sucks trying to figure out what it is. In the meantime.....

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jul 2012
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Thanks for the replies. Once again, it helps to know I'm not alone. Any ideas on how to keep from being discouraged? Is it the same answer as it is for moving forward on a NB? Focusing on me, doing activities that I enjoy, finding additional hobbies? Never giving up when I feel I've hit the wall?

I've discontinued my Match.com subscription since I figure I probably need a break from this "pita. But, I'm still on the free sites, so it is only a "slow down" not a strike...maybe what is needed is a real break for awhile, but sheesh, I really do want to find someone so taking a full on break seems counterproductive...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I've discontinued my Match.com subscription since I figure I probably need a break from this "pita. But, I'm still on the free sites, so it is only a "slow down" not a strike...maybe what is needed is a real break for awhile, but sheesh, I really do want to find someone so taking a full on break seems counterproductive...

I had the "opportunity" to continue my match.com subscription but I discontinued it when it ran out mid-September and then closed down my free site profiles as well. I'm taking a FULL break which I agree....."seems" counterproductive...but I've heard so many people say..."When you stop looking....you will meet the right person!" So....I'm not looking anymore... at least for now. I'm running my 3rd marathon at the end of this month.... my 14 month old daughter JUST started walking about a month ago today...and I stay pretty busy between running, chasing after her, and working full-time as a senior accountant at my company....so dating can take a sideline for now.

Maybe I will meet a cute marine at the Marine Corps Marathon in D.C. on October 27th.... HEY....it could happen! I'll be the cute redhead in the flag tutu!!!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:22 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Any ideas on how to keep from being discouraged? Is it the same answer as it is for moving forward on a NB? Focusing on me, doing activities that I enjoy, finding additional hobbies? Never giving up when I feel I've hit the wall?

For me, that's been the case. I also feel less discouraged when I'm communicating with a couple of different guys at once, because it helps me keep perspective and not to get too invested too quickly. I take a break every once in a while and focus on me and my friendships.

You're definitely not alone!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Dec 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

It was disappointing for me to spend time connecting and then, either they or me, would connect elsewhere, and the contact ceased. I guess it's the nature of the beast, but it's still weird.

I'm dating my BF exclusively, but I must admit, I still wanted to meet Vic...lol. I don't want to NOW, but he was my number one choice at one point.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 11th (Friday)

That was EXACTLY my experience-and I agree about the kid-in-a-candy-store mentality


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Better4me...how brave of you to follow-up! This has happened to me too, and I'm always curious about the reasoning, but I'm afraid if I ask that I will come off as hurt or desperate. How did you word your emails?

It's very frustrating and discouraging sometimes.


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Actually-quite a few came sniffing around again later-and I asked too.


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Interesting thread, everyone. I will "officially" be joining you eventually :-)

If you can put aside the fact that I am divorcing her and thus mine was not a happy ending, I met my STBXWW online around twelve years ago, when OLD was just getting started.

And we did fall in love in an easy, healthy way and had a good marriage for a long time.

I went on a ton of first dates, had my share of "poofers" and to be honest did my own poofing on occasion.

After awhile I was just dated-out and discouraged. No way was I going to meet anyone. I resigned my membership on Jdate and just lived my life.

But when you resign, members can still contact you. (A way to lure you back on.). So one day I received a message from my future STBXWW who included in her first and only message her phone number.

Long story short, we met immediately, fell madly in love, and that was that.

Makes me a bit sad to remember, but I am writing this not for myself, of course, but for those who are feeling some heartache and disillusionment in your experiences.

It really is a numbers game. She was my like, fiftieth date. I was her second.

:-)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Better4me...how brave of you to follow-up! This has happened to me too, and I'm always curious about the reasoning, but I'm afraid if I ask that I will come off as hurt or desperate. How did you word your emails?

HeartBroken: One of the guys was direct and told me in an email after our first date; With the other two, I wrote a brief email/text after not hearing from them for awhile with a "Hey, wondering how you are..." kind of tone and they told me why they hadn't followed through on a second date. I've had many others who have poofed that I didn't follow up with a text, but these two were REALLY good first date and I couldn't help myself but ask. I think with one I was even kind of flirty "I had a date last night and after another bad first date I realize how very good our first date was. How are you." (I saw this guy again 5 months after that first date. I was driving through his town on my way home on a trip and I called and asked if he'd like to see me...he still wasn't ready to date me, but we had a nice cup of coffee and a good conversation. For what that's worth...)

[This message edited by better4me at 4:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
roadlesstraveled
Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I definitely understand your frustration with OLD- and you are right, it is not you or anything you are doing.

I have had this same frustration for almost 6 years now. I have tried match and eharmony on several occasions with pretty much the same results. A TON of first dates, a handful of second dates, and nothing beyond that. Guys disappear all the time, in different stages. I usually have no idea why. I think you are really brave for following up with some of the guys who disappeared on you, and at least they had the decency to give you an answer, even if it didn't always make sense. I have to keep reminding myself that OLD takes thick-skin, and that it is indeed a numbers game. My biggest issue has been finding guys who want to date a woman their own age or within their age range. They are basically non-existent! So because I don't want to date someone much older, the online dating pool has become much smaller. I take frequent breaks, and I haven't given up hope that I could meet someone, but I'm not sure that OLD will be the easiest venue to make that happen.

I do think it is possible, and I think that it works much better for some people than others, but I think that many of the men on these sites like to shop around a lot, and that means that they are contacting/dating several women at the same time. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that, but I think it limits the authentic connection that you can make with one another. It does set up a sort of "kid in a candy store" mentality, as other posters have mentioned.

I'd love to meet someone the old-fashioned way...it seems so much more natural and organic....but I'm trying to remain open to other methods as well. I hope that you do meet someone who is as into you as you to them (and you will definitely know what that happens, because a man who is truly into you will let you know in no uncertain terms!). In the meantime, remind yourself that you are worth being with someone who really takes the time to make you a priority- and don't settle for anything less.

[This message edited by roadlesstraveled at 7:32 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
Topic Posts: 16