SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Venting and needing advice.
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I've been divorced 8 going on 9 years. I won a judgement against xpoopsmear for the underpayment of support he has perpetrated for years. He owes me $19K. My lawyer messed up the paperwork for the order and it is having to be changed to reflect the 6 months he has been given to pay it (it mistakenly was written up to be he had three months...which would conclude end of November). Here is the problem. Ex lost his job a month ago. He has been wanting me to call him to "discuss" all this. I have refused thus far. He had refused to email about it but has since emailed a some about it. Bottom line is, he wants me to work with him on the arrears.
Here is the series of emails he has exchanged. I've not responded to the latest. I really need help. I don't want to work with him, but he is involving the kids (one young adult and 17 and 15) by telling them that "if mom won't work with me it will destroy me". (oh, supposedly the ow/wife is dumping him for her new love and so between the job loss and the love loss he is on the edge of a breakdown.

poopsmear:

I wanted to see if paying you $1000 extra a month towards arrears is okay with you. Under the current situation there is no way I will be able to come up with even half the full amount by November 20th. Based on my new inciome and budget this is the absolute best I can offer to do and still actually be able to eat food and put gas in my car. If this will work for you let me know and I will go ahead and transfer the first $1000 for October.

me:

I spoke with the lawyers office and they confirmed that the amount is to be paid in 6 months, not 3. The paperwork is being redrawn. The due date would be from the original signing in August so that puts it at February. I have been advised that I do not need to go around the court order by allowing arrangements outside what the judge ordered and arrears need to be paid before the February deadline. If you'd like to go ahead and start paying towards the arrears, of course that is fine and appreciated.

then poopsmear sent 3 emails in reply:

Knock off this, "Ive been advised" crap. I am sick of the legal shenanigans. Neither of those two Lawyers give a crap what is going on with our lives. I need your help right now and I am asking you, not your attorney, and not the court. The award is the award and it will get paid period end of statement. I need you to be willing to work with me on this so that I can somehow keep my life from falling apart. Understand that it doesnt matter what the court 'WANTS" the facts on the ground have changed dramatically and either you can decide to work with me or you can play the, "My Lawyer said" game. I will be receiving College loan disbursements each quarter and when I get those I will be able to accelerate the payoff, but you will have to be willing to allow that to happen each quarter in order for this to work. There is no magical money tree or hidden treasure trove from which to pull money from. I am sacrificing my student loan money to pay this off. it will have to come to you the way I receive it. Once quarterly. I need you, YOU to help me here. The court is there to back you up if the full balance doesnt get paid.

message 2:

I am telling you I need help. I have to try to get my life stabilized in order to keep the money flowing with no hiccups. I will need you to help me make this happen.

message 3:

Can you call me please. Written words dont always come across the correct way.

I have not responded yet, but I really am going to have to or he will not let up and he will continue to involve our children. My oldest already told me she is very stressed out about all this mess and she is trying to focus on work and school. Part of me feels like telling him if he can figure out a way to pay $2K a month plus extra when he gets disbursements, I will work with him, but the other part doesn't want to do squat. I do believe he WILL pay me, as he has always paid the dollar amounts the court ordered. He cheated me on the parts that were supposed to be a percentage and I had to rely on his good graces to pay. In this case, there is a court order and he is one of those who won't ignore it. I just am so confused. I hate the fucker and my desire is not to help him, and I don't care that his life is shit, but I care that it is hurting the kids. I just don't know what to do. I feel cornered.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 858 | Registered: Aug 2011
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Does he not have the option of contacting the court or child services to make arrangments himself? If not I would have a candid discussion with your kids about consequences and how he did this to himself. It's not your job or role to work with him. he is or has destroyed himself. When you don't pay your obligations as agreed or told then there are consequences and some of them are punitive in nature. Be honest with your children and let him continue to "destroy himelf".

He knowingly screwed you out of funds for years on top of the A shit and now he "Needs your help". He should have thought about these consequences when he did what he did. Hello Karma nice to meet you.

Sorry if I sound pissed I am a BH and I pay my CS every month and I was the one that did the work to set it up so I have no sympathy for men that essentially cheat their children out of money on top of the A shit.

Have you asked your laywer if you can even agree to accept a "payment plan" from him and whether or not it could be used against you in the future somehow? I think he should man up and deal with it. He did it to himself.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Tell him to get a loan or sell his shit to pay it. It's not your job to figure out HIS payment problems. And yes, tell the kids the truth. You don't need to negotiate with a thief and a liar!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1178 | Registered: Jun 2007
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Yikes ... your post kinda made me heart beat faster. This "poor me" "I'm the victim" stance that you ex is displaying is exactly the way my stbx pleaded with me too. It's pathetic. He has already taken advantage of you by underpaying for YEARS. What makes you think he will keep his word now? I would be extremely cautious if you are negotiating the terms in your judgement. It could bite you in the ass. He needs to do it through the proper channels. To protect YOU and him.

The email that starts off as "Knock off this ..." is classic bully, aggressive behavior. Then it moves into the feel sorry for me violin stage. Then he puts all the guilt nicely on your lap. He gives you all the responsibility to make HIS situation better. I'm surprised you didn't

As far as the kids, you need to sit them down and empathize with them first then gently explain the true situation. Your ex is a grown "man" and will be able to figure this out without you holding his hand.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Oct 2012
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Look, sounds like you're lovely and everything,but he's completely taking the mickey.

1. He completely messed up YOUR life with his A and you have worked hard to put it back together. He has made poor choices and the state of his life right now is as a result of his choices. It is not your job to fix that.

2.Not only that,you've had to do so without the Cs that he should have been paying all this time. He has spent that money over those years on himself,he could have chosen to pay it, but did not. Now he is reaping the consequences of his choices. It is not your job to fix that.

3. He is using emotional blackmail on you and the children. If you let him get away with that,you are teaching him AND YOUR CHILDREN that it works and he will keep doing it. It is not your job to pander or reinforce his poor parenting/people skills. It is your job to set a good example to your children of how to stand up to emotional bullying.

4. He is disrespecting boundaries,especially yours. You're worried that you have to reply. No. You need to enforce your own boundaries and teach your children what healthy boundaries look like-they need one parent who can do that.


If you REALLY feel you need to reply, copy in your attorney and simply say:

Do not contact me about this any more. If you need to feel the need to communicate,please contact my attorney

[This message edited by Softcentre at 11:10 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 867 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
badd
Member
Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

^^^^ THIS! He spent YEARS screwing you to build this debt. you took it for YEARS. if you go against a court order, it weakens the court order. I completely agree that you need to tell him to contact your lawyer about this, not you. He can negotiate with the court directly, you are NOT allowed to change a court order any more than he is. I also very much agree that your kids need to have one parent who can enforce boundaries and model good responsible behavior. You were doing so well with no contact, now he is contacting you again it is immediately disintegrating into bullying and abuse. Stealing more money from you is abusive on top of the years of abuse it took him to build the debt, and I notice he still owes you money you were supposed to split...if you have receipts or cancelled checks, next time you go to court you should go after that too. The money would make your kids lives better, they matter more than he does. And they also need to learn there are consequences to BAD BEHAVIOR. just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by badd at 12:33 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 6