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Reconciliation
User Topic: A complicated Tale for sure
dumbndumber
Member
Member # 25700
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Not sure which forum this belongs in.....I have been separated from my wife for 3 years now but it has been so complicated, not in a bad way. I always felt we still loved each other. There was infidelity (1st by me) and alot of pain. We have 3 kids together and I live a mile away, so our lives have been intertwined almost daily. we were both seeing other people, but respected each other enough to not rub anything in the others face. About 4 months ago, we started a mediation process to end the marriage. We came to an agreement which would have essentially continued the current situation. I had been feeling sick about this. Basically at the 11th hour, I turned to her and asked if this makes her happy. She said she was as sick as i am. We have agreed to end our relationships ( I did this first), which was not easy because I really cared for my GF. We have agreed to just take it slow, start to do things together with the kids, and sometimes just us. I feel like she wants to try but can't get back the physical part of a relationship with me and that's holding her back. I know we love each other and are each the others love of their lives. Does she just want to be my friend and is scared? Or can she be my wife and lover again? I just don't know but I have to find out. We have no issues with our kids or even spending alot of time together. My inlaws still call me sometimes and she talks to my parents. Is this normal for a couple divorcing? Not that I've heard. What can I do to help her break down the physical she HAD to construct because of my infidelity? i don't want to pressure her too much either.

pretty complicated


WH 45 turned into BH
BS 39 turned into WS
dday 7/8/09
3 awesome kids

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: NY
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I don't have advice for you but I feel your hope coming through in what you wrote. Being honest, being loving, being present - perhaps these things will lead you to the new possibilities that you long for. Have you had a straightforward discussion about your feelings? Have you owned your mistakes and asked for forgiveness for what you did? Someone has to start the dialogue.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
dumbndumber
Member
Member # 25700
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I have many times. I can see the struggle in her eyes. It breaks my heart. I just want her to be happy.


WH 45 turned into BH
BS 39 turned into WS
dday 7/8/09
3 awesome kids

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: NY
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I feel like she wants to try but can't get back the physical part of a relationship with me and that's holding her back.

Successful relationships begin and end with good communication. Have you asked her about this? Rather than trying to read her feelings and meanings in her eyes, have you asked her about a physical relationship? Does she want one? Does she want one with you?

I know we love each other and are each the others love of their lives. Does she just want to be my friend and is scared?

How can you "know" that she loves you and that you are the love of her life when you do not know if she just wants to be a friend?

Again, I think it is time to talk with her about the relationship and what she does and does not expect to happen.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:57 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4085 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

What can I do to help her break down the physical she HAD to construct because of my infidelity? i don't want to pressure her too much either.

Well, I think you need to take it very slowly indeed. A wrong move by you before she is ready could trigger her and knock things backwards for you both. Have you spoken to her about it? If you haven't, I would suggest that you do so. Then you can tell her that you realise this issue is tricky for her and that you are in absolutely no rush about it, and that have no intention of pressurising her about it either. Tell her that her comfort in this area is important to you. Maybe just ask her what she would be happy with to start out with. You could suggest just hand holding, and a hug at the end of meet ups with maybe a kiss on the cheek. If your wife gets comfortable with that, maybe move onto an arm around her shoulders while you watch tv and see how that goes. I think if your wife knows that you aren't going to be expecting too much too soon from her, and that it is just you and she re-connecting emotionally that is the most important thing to you in this first stage, it may take any pressure off her, and help her to accept the smaller physical gestures as you start to re-connect as more than just friends.

I do remember you from before and I wish you and your wife all the best as you start on this new course together.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
dumbndumber
Member
Member # 25700
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

We do talk about her having a tough time picturing a physical relationship. She knows I am not pressuring her. I'm ok with being alone. It's gonna be a long road with a lot of rejection and no guaranty of anything materializing. Sounds like fun right? I'm in though and will persevere.


WH 45 turned into BH
BS 39 turned into WS
dday 7/8/09
3 awesome kids

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 6