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User Topic: why did I ignore so much?
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Recently I've been seeing my IC again. Still need to deal with some of my own shit. One issue that has come up is my view of former relationship with X.

For me, what I have always considered dday was 03/01/2008. For the longest time I considered that the start of everything A related. In reality I don't think that was the beginning.

Over the years I realized that there were things before that. The two younger female co-workers he used to socialize with outside of work hours, the married female co-worker with whom he was too friendly. I don't think he had sex with them but was probably into EA territory.

The was a coworker at his current job who was a seasonal employer that he became friends with. She was in a relationship. That friendship ended in some sort of dispute that I was led to believe was work related but I've always wondered if he didn't cross a line with her.

Later there was an accusation of a drunken kiss attempt with an acquaintance of hours. The inappropriate 'myspace' messages with a gal from out of state that I found might have been a hint. Hell I even found a draft on the computer for a match.com profile after I got home from a business trip. Guess he should've closed the that 'word' document on my computer.

We were having some problems by the time the match.com thing happened. Heck we'd always had a volatile relationship. I let him use that as an excuse and never made much of a fuss about it.

All of this has left me wondering 1) when was dday...really 2) why did I ignore/tolerate all that?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8434 | Registered: Apr 2008
Artemisia
Member
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Me too. After he left, I began remembering all the conversations we'd had over the years about his relationships with women that made me uncomfortable. Pretty much one conversation per year. We accuse the wanderers of compartmentalizing, but I think I was doing it too.

For me, I think I didn't (don't) know what healthy relationship behavior is. Does that ring true to you at all? Only as I'm getting farther out do I realize how ridiculous some of these conversations were. I try to imagine some of my friend's husbands texting away with a 20 year old woman and I just think - no way. I didn't have enough experience to know what a red flag this was. It boggles my mind: unpeeling everything with distance.


Posts: 112 | Registered: Sep 2013
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I think for some of us there are several reasons which include:
1. We are taught at a young age to ignore our gut feelings. We are taught to only view as real what is right before our eyes. Intuitions and instincts aren't really scientific and in the world we live in, most people don't value their "feelings."

2. Sometimes it is scary to confront the truth. It may end up changing our whole entire lives, our views of the future, and what is normal and comfortable for us. So when our WS tells us a lie that our gut may be saying "hey, something isn't quite right here" we don't really want to hear it and we ignore our gut.

3. Because we wouldn't cheat, we believe the person we love the most in this world wouldn't do that to us either.

I tried to believe the lies my WS told me but my stomach used to hurt a lot. I finally had to start listening to it and that is when I realized what was really going on.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15187 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

1) when was dday...really

03/01/2008

2) why did I ignore/tolerate all that?

Because when you are in love you believe the best in your partner until you are given irrefutable proof otherwise. That is why d-day is such a shock. Everything you have clung to so dearly falls apart in an instant.

The good news, or at least the thing I find reassuring, your concept of irrefutable proof shifts. You rediscover the boundaries you have been repressing, and learn to read between the lines. You might have been naive before, but you now harness a finely tuned bullshit meter. You are hopefully self assured enough now to trust your gut.


Posts: 3324 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I trusted my X implicitly. I thought he loved me the same way I loved him and therefore would never betray me. Even then he and OW were having in A not only right in front of my nose, but literally in my house. I trusted him completely until the moment I discovered he and OW in bed together. THAT is what I ignored everything.

There was a co working early in our M that I felt like he praised too much and was too friendly with. Did he have an A with her? There was another coworker who was the company mattress. Did he fuck her? There was the friend of a friend on the camping trip who he disappeared with and said they were looking for an open store to get cigarettes -- what about her? There were those nights when he was late getting home until I found out he was hanging out in what he called "red neck bars". What was up with THAT??

But none of that matters now. Whatever may or may not have happened before dday is meaningless. It was dday and the A I caught him in and the lies and abuse that came with it that killed me and killed the M. And now I am just happy he is gone!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Same here. I found out after the D was final about another one- she was a co worker.

Seriously, he was a mechanic at a car dealership, and she was the only female employee. And we rode together for 14 years. Sneaky fucker.

I don't question God any more- I just thank him every day that the jagoff is finally gone.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 6:35 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7507 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Hexed,
How much alcohol was he consuming?

Were you picking your battles? Or turning a blind eye to all bad behavior?

Maybe focusing on the well-being of your young son?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I could write the exact same things. There were so many flags, so many things I ignored, so many things my gut screamed to me were wrong.

I trusted my X implicitly. I thought he loved me the same way I loved him and therefore would never betray me

Me too. Looking back, I really don't know when the true Dday was. My gut tells me know there were perhaps one or two other affairs that did not last.

The only thing I know absolutely now is that I was never a priority, he did not love me as I loved him, 90 percent of the words that came out of his mouth were lies.

Yes, it still hurts. I don't think about it so much anymore, but when I do or I have a dream, it really hurts for a bit. Then it fades away until the next time.

He'll never know nor care the destruction and scars he left behind.


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 676 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Well you can add me to that list. I ignored so much looking back . The note on the car from her friends husband, the guy in karate class that she kisses hello and glows when she sees him? What about our lawyer she was talking to at 1 am on text about personal things? The list goes on and on . I get so depressed and enraged thinking what a sucker I was , how I let all that happen when deep down inside I knew ? How I let her take me from the man I was to the sissy I became because I loved her and trusted her . Till I caught her in a hotel with another ! Then I dug and found so much more I hate to think about it. My IC says we need to work on my insecurities and why I ignored the red flags and let myself be treated like that , so it will never happen again. I know all too well how you feel and if you find the answer let me know


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 622 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

How much alcohol was he consuming?
Were you picking your battles? Or turning a blind eye to all bad behavior?

Maybe focusing on the well-being of your young son?

Clearly I was turning a blind eye to the behaviour. Making excuses for it all *sigh*

He is and was an alcoholic. There was a lot of drinking. That may be part of his pathology. Certainly I am codependent but to me neither of those things explain why I was so stupid about those things.

Even after dday I denied that he had been inappropriate for our whole relationship


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8434 | Registered: Apr 2008
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

This is kind of timely, because the same night you posted this, I was going through all my really old posts, the ones from like, 2008. And, I can't believe how much crap I put up with, even just after joining here, let alone all the time before that. I also can't believe how much crap I forgot. How could i forget that OW1 did a stint in jail for robbing a pizza place?

But, at the same time, since you and I have stayed on a pretty similar time frame, AND, since I comment on a lot you say, I found a lot of your old posts as well, and I was amazed at how far you've come and how much things have changed for you. I don't have answers to either question you asked, I have the same ones. Dday here is sometime 5 or 6 years ago (how cool is that, i don't even remember how many years anymore) but, I know there was one in 2002. I know there was one is 2004. I just ignored them, and helped him explain them away. But, i don't know why.

I think the denial is a way to cope/protect ourselves, especially after the end of the relationship. If you can convince yourself that it wasn't that bad then it makes sense to stick it out and work on it as long as you (we) did.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4485 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

weatherly you are braver than I am. I never go back and look. I'm still embarrassed that I didn't leave his sorry but sooner. I'm sure I've forgotten more than I care to remember.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8434 | Registered: Apr 2008
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I recently looked back in FB messages and found some more information about my confronting him about a former gf to whom he wrote a very flirty note. He didn't cover that one up so well, as it showed up on FB easily. My confrontation is all worded very "nicely". How naive I was.

I don't know all the things I ignored, for me it is more of his character traits that I made excuses for rather than evidence of previous EAs or PAs. I really don't know why I tolerated as much as I did. He was a drinker too, and I know he hid that quite well from me after I confronted and drew a line in the sand. WS seem to be very good at hiding shit until they aren't. They seem to know good ways to cover tracks, until they don't.

For the answer of "why", it helps me to remember that NONE of it was my fault. Every relationship is built on trust, in a healthy relationship we can't/shouldn't be looking for all the tricks the other can use to fool us. That paranoia isn't good for a relationship. Distrust breeds distrust. It is only when I realized how unhealthy he and "we" were that I could connect the dots, and it was only after the affair came to light that I was really truly able to see his brokenness.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3063 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Clearly I was turning a blind eye to the behaviour. Making excuses for it all *sigh*

He is and was an alcoholic. There was a lot of drinking. That may be part of his pathology. Certainly I am codependent but to me neither of those things explain why I was so stupid about those things.

Even after dday I denied that he had been inappropriate for our whole relationship


I could have written this hexed. One year prior to DDay I found proof of online contact and possibly a date on his laptop. He apologized profusely and we went on. I was an idiot - it was clearly the beginning of the end. His behavior throughout that year just continued to escalate, I just had no idea until Dday. Now the question in my mind is, "Did I completely ignore the obvious?" Honestly, I don't think so. We did discuss some things,but the DDay with OW he left for was completely out of left field - he professed I was the love of his life and his best friend up until the day before he walked out.

And I will never take responsibility for his craziness.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

he professed I was the love of his life and his best friend up until the day before he walked out.

Bleh, ditto.


BS Divorced.

They were right about you.


Posts: 676 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
ISPIFFD
Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Oh there were sooooo many red flags I ignored, going way back to just after we got married. We were at a nice restaurant, and instead of looking at me -- his brand new wife -- he was making googly eyes over my shoulder at an old gf who was sitting behind me.

The biggest red flag that I chose to ignore was a few years before DDay (DDay from the A that finally destroyed everything). Then-H had just gotten home from a weekend trip with his guy buds, something he used to go on every once in awhile. I was watching him unpack and there was a strip of condoms in his suitcase.

Slack-jawed, I asked him what those were doing in there. He smirked and said he had thought maybe one of his friends was going to set up a hooker or two for the weekend. Even more slack-jawed, I said, "And THAT would make it okay?!?!?" I then told him that the next business trip I took would be ending with me in bed with someone I met there, and how did he like that. He got all pissed and said it was all just a joke, jeez!

Why did the A a few years after that actually surprise me... And then after Dday, I found out about so many more As from way earlier in our marriage when our son was first born.

I wasted Sooo many years with this asshat. And thanks to him, I get nauseated at the thought of ever spending intimate time with any man. Ever. But shame on me for ignoring so much.

[This message edited by ISPIFFD at 9:01 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: BW (54)
Him: WH (61)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1814 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Clearly I was turning a blind eye to the behaviour. Making excuses for it all *sigh*

He is and was an alcoholic. There was a lot of drinking. That may be part of his pathology. Certainly I am codependent but to me neither of those things explain why I was so stupid about those things.

Even after dday I denied that he had been inappropriate for our whole relationship

Ok, you denied/ignored.

How did you deny/ignore? What was unhealthy coping mechanism?

For example:
*Did you bury yourself in books or video games?
*Did you shop compulsively?
*Did you work compulsively?
*Did you drink too much also?
*Did you dote on your son?
*Did you have emotional affairs?
(I'm not saying you did any/all of those things) I'm asking how you spent your time, if it was not in support of a healthy relationship/healthy you?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 17