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Reconciliation
User Topic: such a sad day...
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Oh friends...I am so sad today. Slow tears leaking from my eyes, dull empty ache in my heart.
Things have been going so well. REally well with R. He is being amazing. He is comforting, taking initiative, asking what I need, being positive and oh so open.
I think I even posted about "clngy" and "so romantic.'
That has not changed. What it did was scare me.
I wanted this so much! We are working on things, we are "reconciling", he is remorseful, he is doing everything that I ask...
I don't know what happened. I just got scared.
And today, I was sad. So sad that we are even here. That we are going through this. I missed my H. The one I thought he was. I wanted hugs and comfort...but not from the sad, remorseful man that he is now...I want them from my strong, confident, caring and honest husband from before. The one I believed in. The one I trusted.
I am not angry. I am so sad because I miss us. I miss who I thought we were...Who we WERE for a long time until life started falling apart around us and he let go of my hand.
I am crying at work. Sad tears,now...not angry ones.
He has been woriking close to my job the last two days, and has come by to pick me up for lunch. So sweet!
Today, I cried on his shoulder, softly and sadly, while he just held me and said he was sorry.

Today I had to tell him that I dont want him to stop telling me wonderful things, and telling me that this is where he wants to be...but these are also the things that make me so sad to hear.

He talked of renewing our vows yesterday. A big wedding with everything I didn't have at our first one.
He spoke of matching tattoos (something we have always talked about getting).
These are wonderful things, yes?
Except today I had to tell him that I just don't know.
I had to admit that even though I want this SO MUCH- I want us forever and ever...for some reason, my heart is not allowing me to give it back to him.
I want this! But my heart is not letting me go for it.

I understand it. I do. And he does too. He broke my heart and I don't think the pieces have been put back together yet. I am still looking for them on the floor at my feet, finding them hidden in the craziest places... one piece in the shower, another under a child's shoe, another in the seat of the car...little pieces of my shattered heart are everywhere and I am trying to collect them as I go. But they are so very small and fragile, that sometimes they slip through my fingers, and as I bend to retrieve them, even more slip out. It feels neverending.

And today I had to tell him that I do not trust him with any of those pieces right now.
And it hurt him so badly. And I do not want this to hurt him. I know he brought this on us. I know it is his doing. That does not mean I am happy that he is hurting. I do not enjoy seeing that. But I cannot help him right now.

Oh, what happened to us? We were so strong once. so very very happy. I miss that with every fiber of my being. I love him so very much. And I know he loves me. So, why? Why is it so very hard?

thank you friends for listening.

I would never wish this struggle on anyone.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I am still looking for them on the floor at my feet, finding them hidden in the craziest places... one piece in the shower, another under a child's shoe, another in the seat of the car...little pieces of my shattered heart are everywhere and I am trying to collect them as I go. But they are so very small and fragile, that sometimes they slip through my fingers, and as I bend to retrieve them, even more slip out. It feels neverending.

Wondertwin - I understand what you are saying. R is hard. I don't have any advice really, I'm still picking up the pieces myself. Hang in there.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Dec 2011
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Omg your DDAY is so new everything is so raw right now.
You have many more of these ups and downs.
Are you in counseling if not I recommend you find one that deals with infidelity.
I am truly sorry you are here.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
lovemy3boys
New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I totally understand how you feel. I randomly cry through out the day. It is so hard and I don't know if we will ever fully have all the lovey dovey feelings again but I think if you truly want things back to how they were before the A then maybe try to act how you did before A. Trust me I know thats very hard and I need to take my own advice. Are you guys doing counseling?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Hi honey. I understand. I told my WH shortly after dday that I missed MY husband..that MY husband would never have done this to me. I remember screaming at him to bring him back,bring my husband back to me,that he killed him and I hated him for it. I was so raw. It was so new.

It will get better. It really,really will. In the last month,I have only cried once(yesterday). It is no longer on my mind all the time. I am able to see MY husband again. You will too. It will take time,work,love,and a herculean effort from your WH..but it can happen.

Go home after work..and let him love you. Let him take care of things at the house...chores..dinner. Let him run you a bath and wash your hair. Let him take care of you.

Big hugs, my friend. Im so sorry you're hurting so much today. You're not alone. You have an SI army right next to you. We will get you through this.


((((Wondertwin))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7498 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement. It's so hard because everytime I relax a little, I seem to crash.
We are not in IC or MC yet. We have discussed it, but felt we were in the right place and would discuss it as we move along.
To be honest- I am not ready to invite a third party to this mess. I am not very trusting of counselers- having had not so good experiences before. We are both leery of trusting a stranger to understand everything without truly knowing who we are. Naive, yes? It is probably our best step- but it just feels wrong right now.
I can't really explain it. And we have been doing so well! I feel horrible that I can't just be okay. He is not putting this pressure on me. I have always taken his pain on as my own. And now I just can't. And that is hard for me.
Thank you all. Being here has helped me through so much.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

He broke my heart and I don't think the pieces have been put back together yet. I am still looking for them on the floor at my feet, finding them hidden in the craziest places... one piece in the shower, another under a child's shoe, another in the seat of the car...little pieces of my shattered heart are everywhere and I am trying to collect them as I go. But they are so very small and fragile, that sometimes they slip through my fingers, and as I bend to retrieve them, even more slip out. It feels neverending.

This is where I am at now too. Just so sad and yes...my heart is in pieces all over the place. I can't even seem to accept we are here and have to be here after his choices. It is infuriating, but it is also just so very sad. :(


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

These sad days and everything you said that is causing them is just part of the process. With a caring and remorseful husband, you will make it through this. It just takes time and you are only a few months from DDay.
Just give yourself time. These feelings of anger, sadness, and, yes, sometimes happiness, will come and go. They just lose their intensity over time.
I still get sad (and mad) but it has been almost three years and those feelings are fleeting and don't ruin my whole day.

The renewal of vows is a good thing, and tell him that, but also tell him you will let him know when you are ready. It is a bumpy and long road, but it does get better. Hugs on your sad day.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you Kansas. That was just what I needed to hear.
He came home and we talked. I feel much better.
Thank you to everyone for sharing and helping.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you Kansas. That was just what I needed to hear.
He came home and we talked. I feel much better.
Thank you to everyone for sharing and helping.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I too was (am) so sad today. Endless tears. Buckets of tears. Thankfully H was able to take part of the day off to be with me and I pulled it together briefly to do the one thing I really had to do.

But man it hurts. A true physical pain. It gives me hope to read that others have come through the other side. I hope it gives you hope too.

:(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

(((wondertwin)))

Sounds like your WH is a wonderful candidate for a truly possible R. Give yourself time. You need to grieve before you can heal. It sounds like he understands that. That is a VERY GOOD THING.

I so relate to your broken heart analogy. I told my WH that every time I tenuously glue my own back together and set it on a shelf to dry, he knocks it right back off. At some point, all the little shards are so small, I can only sweep them into a dustpan. I don't know if there's enough superglue in the world anymore to make a difference.

I'm rooting for you and for all BS's like you, who have a WS that is willing to do the work to make real R possible. Stay strong. I know it will get better, little by little!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Wondertwin-
You are eloquent and express so well how you feel. Your heart is not ready...well, it will be ready when it's ready, and not 1 second before. It cant be hurried. Meanwhile, you are still there, still married, and that is huge. My IC says for me to remember that just "still being here" is my contribution right now, and when I can do more, I will. You must honor your feelings, feel them and be honest about them and come out the other side.

It's so hard...(((Wondertwin)))


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

(((Wondertwin)))

Wow - this is so moving:

I understand it. I do. And he does too. He broke my heart and I don''t think the pieces have been put back together yet. I am still looking for them on the floor at my feet, finding them hidden in the craziest places... one piece in the shower, another under a child''s shoe, another in the seat of the car...little pieces of my shattered heart are everywhere and I am trying to collect them as I go. But they are so very small and fragile, that sometimes they slip through my fingers, and as I bend to retrieve them, even more slip out. It feels neverending.

You do write so eloquently and so beautifully. This paragraph above literally took my breath away and my tears restarted on reading it. It may not feel like it now but being able to visualise this pain and to keep this picture in mind will help. I am sure, with a truly remorseful husband, this picture will change and that you will manage to find most of the pieces, carefully assemble them and begin to glue them together little piece by little piece. There may be times when the pieces don''t fit or the glue doesn''t hold but with hard work, patience and (the dreaded word - time) I am hopeful for you that it will be mended - always scarred but still whole again.

I''m wishing this for you as I wish it for myself.

Also:

And today I had to tell him that I do not trust him with any of those pieces right now.
And it hurt him so badly. And I do not want this to hurt him. I know he brought this on us. I know it is his doing. That does not mean I am happy that he is hurting. I do not enjoy seeing that. But I cannot help him right now.

Hold onto this. I totally understand this, I''ve always felt this. As much as my H has hurt me I do not want to hurt him back. Yet I do hurt him. He is dealing with his own pain, his own guilt, his own remorse and still I pile on my hurts which hurt him further BUT you know what? it''s necessary - he needs it, your H needs it. Your H needs to feel that pain he has caused not out of spite but so that he totally understands it and knows exactly how much he has to earn back the love and trust that you had before the A.

The sadness is so natural, it''s all consuming and especially where you are at in time completely understanding. It will get better - it''s a damned awful path but there are so many people here in our situation who tell us this is the case and we have to believe them.

Keep reading, keep writing, keep feeling - do whatever it is you feel.

You are not alone.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 14