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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: So WH needs to talk about his pain
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

WH is alternating between being hyper-nice in the obvious hope I will change my mind and descending into self-pity.

I have to talk to him somewhat because we are living under the same roof and because I am trying to lever him into a dissolution. Failing that I will prepare to file next week.

So, these are WH's snippets from last night:

"I am being physically sick. I am in so much pain."

.......Hmmm. Never was sick when he had sex with OW, came home and lied to me.

"If you leave, I may as well lay down and die."

"You and DD are the only things I live for."

.......... And the extra-marital sex?

"You are the perfect wife."

"DD's guinea pigs are so cute."

........ Refused even to acknowledge them before yesterday

"You have all the power! I have no choice in this divorce!"

............ Yes, you got that right.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

He needs to talk to an IC about his pain. It's not your job anymore to give a shit about his pain or help absolve him of it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9686 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Translation: Here let me manipulate you into making this about me so that we can ignore the A, ignore what I did, ignore me doing anything to help you. That way I get what I so richly crave and what probably led me to the A anyway (attention!!! all about me!!! all about my needs!!! yay!!!) and I dont'' have to do anything for you. This is a win win, right????


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3096 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

FTG. FTG. FTG.

What's the quote about the pond? No more fish, pond dry, fuck off?

Yeah, that.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

NG, he has a therapist but I'm convinced he is not honest with her. He saw her today but it's that old thing that you have to want to change.

We talked this evening and because I have now agreed to pay off his credit card debt, he is willing to sign. He can't afford an attorney, I have one, basically it is worth it to avoid the delays and legal bills. I kind of figured I would have to do that anyway.

Once that is dealt with, I don't have to talk to him any more except about practical matters. But I will have to do a few weeks in house separation unless he voluntarily moves out.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Blech.

They all sing similar tunes once they are caught and are unsure of how we are going to act.

I refuse to believe that there is any pain more horrific than betrayal. Except double betrayal. FTG.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4634 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Ha! Sounds like The Princess. My favourite one from her, "You've always underestimated my emotions."


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1944 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Pass, I got a variation of that....

"You don't understand how hard this is for me."


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

My God, are they all the same person? They sure all act the same! Wow. Just wow.

I get the "most days I just want to curl up and die". If I try to express myself, I got (in writing) "You are making this all about you! What about my pain?"

Is it possible that they are all just that self-centered? (Don't answer that... It's obviously an emphatic "Hell YEAH!")

Sigh....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 686 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I can see that WH is in genuine emotional pain - because finally there are permanent and unpleasant consequence to his actions i.e. loss of home, wife, status as a pillar of the community and all-round good guy.

I am trying so hard not to react. But going to an attorney and putting this into dissolution has taken the lid off a lot of emotions for me that I had been repressing trying to reconcile.

Two weeks ago I found out about OW3. He lent a large sum of money to her. Who knows if they slept together. Probably. It was just one piece of dishonest behavior too far. As soon as I saw the evidence, I knew it was over.

He makes these sad little comments which I ignore but there is this script in my head that just pops up. So:

WH: I guess I will have to learn to cook for myself (little sad smile)

Me: silent, in the cause of getting the hell out of this as cleanly as possible, but I am thinking "What about the time I heard you on my VAR telling OW1 that you would love for her to cook for you and there wasn't enough time for "me and you"."

I'm hoping not responding gets easier because sometimes my chest hurts.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I laughed ruefully out loud when I read this. Once I was D.O.N.E. I had much the same commentary going on in my head whenever his lips were moving.

You are feeling this way because you've been trained to. It is emotional abuse.

As NIK so eloquently put it "they know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!".

"You don't understand how hard this is for me."

Word.for.word. Many times.

Nah dude, what don't understand is how it wasn't too hard to cheat.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Ha, my favorite one, from a few weeks ago. "I put away your pictures because looking at you hurts me" - OR "I even was thinking of putting away the picture of my friends, bc it was taken at our reception and it hurts me" (each of his friends at their weddings/receptions did the same group pose as they were all groomsmen for one another) -- really? I think it's more that you hurt you, and you cannot/will not deal with it.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
brokenandconfuse
Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I received this constantly until the Protection Order was put in place. H constantly wanted to talk about HIS broken heart. Now I can say "crickets" go tell your 50 girlfriends.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I'm so angry I could scream.

Today I went to the bank and talked them into handing me WH's copy statements for 2011 when he lent some woman $1500 and insisted to me that she had paid him back.

Background: I found the note about it hidden in the garage a few weeks ago. It was dated August 2011. I then called his bank and ordered copy statements.

Well, she hadn't paid him back. No deposits that matched. In fact, the only deposits into his account were made by me.

I called him just now and he kept lying, saying that he would find it on the statement. Finally, he told me the truth.

The lying never stops, will never stop. All I can do is leave it behind. Truly, whatever OW gets him is welcome to him.

I told him not to come home and if he did I would go to her workplace and report it. I cannot imagine they would be too happy to know that one of their sales staff borrowed and wrote out a $1500 IOU to a customer which she then defaulted on. They are one of those "family" companies..........


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

It's a shock when your eyes open. I still can't quite believe what I'm seeing sometimes.

Channel the anger into maintaining strict NC and evicting that guy from your life. It would have taken me a few years to get there myself had I not had the anger to fuel me.

((jemimapd)) I also remember how incredibly painful it was to have my eyelids ripped off (metaphorically speaking).


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Strong. I've posted more about this 3rd woman and the money in general. Here I just want to say how manipulated and devastated I feel that up until lunchtime today he was still lying very convincingly. He hasn't lied to me since then only because I haven't spoken to him. The lies since DD have been destructive in a way I would never have been able to imagine. It has to be experienced.

Oh, and just to make his 100% fuckupness clear, he said the reason he did not tell me was because he knew confessing would make me angry.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

A little tip I've learned over the last 2 years to tell if he's lying: if his lips are moving, he's lying (this works for te written word too).

I too was told what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Bullshit - it is themselves they are protecting.

Hard to believe right now but one day you'll see these betrayals beyond infidelity as a gift. I certainly do. They forced my hand to free myself before I had the strength and courage to do it of my own volition.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Sorry
I am not sure if I find any more OW that I would stay but I only have 1 DD and she's going off to college next year. And she wants to get far away from him. So next year will totally suck if he doesn't get his shit together. I am starting to believe he is a pathological liar. I know his father and brother are and he must be the better. The bother constantly cheats and father not sure if was cheating or always needing the attention from other women. My WH loves the attention. He is ego centric. Which is one characteristics that made me love him. Center of the party thing. Now I hate it always demanding attention. I mean I am some what like that but I give others a chance to speak and engage.
I think you have been patient enough and now you need to be tough and take care of yourself.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I think he is a pathological liar. I don't trust anything he says about anything. The extent of his lies and the sheer detail he puts into them are incredible. He even told me the bank branch he had paid the cash repayment into. All lies.

I just don't know how I am going to get through this in house separation.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Oh, another great quote from this morning.

Yesterday I threw him out and told him I would call a police officer if he came round. I honestly could not take any more after I got the bank statements. He did not sleep at the house last night, I saw on the find my iPhone app that he went to a nice comfy hotel. He can't go to family because that would shatter his image and he hasn't got any friends.

So he turns up this morning to take DD to school and it's all poor him. He starts whining and says, "What am I supposed to do! Live in my car!"

I said, "Did you sleep in your car last night?"

There was a pause during which he was about to lie but then remembers I have the find my iPhone app. "Err, no. I went to a hotel."

End of that conversation.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 11th (Friday)

After I kicked STBX out he took his pain to the kids, telling them all about how he was homeless because Mommy wouldn't let him come home. He totally had them sobbing & hating on me, they were terrified of me throwing them out, too, because he told them I would.

I'm sharing this with you because I want you to be full alert to your WH lying to your children, manipulating them without mercy.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9686 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 21