Off Topic
User Topic: Update on DD in treatment
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I can't believe it's been more than 4 months since DD entered the residential treatment program, but the calendar doesn't lie.

We had her quarterly staffing in August. The short story is that DD is reacting to being in the program as most kids do - they white knuckle it for as long as they can, hoping to "behave" their way out of the program and back home. It never works. Eventually, their grip loosens, the gig is up, and they go back to their "normal" behaviors, which is to say, they behave abnormally. DD was no different. She white knuckled for the first month, and spent the next two months slowly sliding back to her baseline. Challenges cropped up with peers, staff, and her family. She physically attacked both me and her father in July, which resulted in her losing the privilege of overnight passes to visit home.

Since then, she has been slowly earning her way to longer and longer visits. At this point, she can take 8 hour off-campus visits with me and with her father each weekend, but is not allowed to leave campus during the week unless with staff.

All of this is as expected. The staff is actually relieved that she has reverted back to her old behaviors, as they can now see what we've been dealing with and start to address the changes needed. DD has all the necessary components for successfully completing treatment - she's driven, she buys into the program, and she has fantastic family support from me, her father, her brother, and her extended family. Hearing that from the experts at her staffing was a huge relief.

What wasn't expected, however, is that since that quarterly staffing, her aggression has been spiraling out of control. She has been in near constant conflict with another girl in her cottage. DD's anxiety and aggression levels have sky-rocketed, and she is lashing out frequently, both in verbal and physical altercations. A few weeks ago, she had an episode while she was on a day pass with me. While I was driving her back to the program, she shattered the windshield in my van and punched me. It was terrifying. Fortunately, I was a block from the program and was able to quickly pull into their parking lot where staff removed her from the car and isolated her until the episode passed. There have been more aggression episodes since then, both with staff and family. Each episode is heartbreaking. When it passes, she is overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. She is in a very negative place right now, struggling to recognize anything good about herself.

This week, the staff will be modifying her medications in the hopes of reducing her agitation and aggressiveness. The medications she takes are very serious and come with potential side effects that are very troubling to read through. It's been a difficult time weighing those potential effects against the potential benefits for DD. Lots of lost sleep. Lots of anxiety. Tons of time spent on a brain train, questioning my decisions over and over again. I've reached an uneasy peace with those decisions, but they continue to weigh on my heart.

DD's 15th birthday is in a few days. And I will only see her for a few hours that afternoon. I can't take her home. I can’t even take her off campus. I can't have a big family party for her. I can't wake her up in the morning by singing the birthday song to her, make her favorite birthday breakfast... We will celebrate her birthday of course, but it will be different, as it must be right now.

There is no better place for her to be right now. I know this. I know she's being cared for by the right people in the right program. I know that this is the right path for her.

It isn't, however, an easy one.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

(((nik))) how heart wrenching all this must be for you. Your dd is blessed to have you as her mom.

Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 7824 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Sometimes the right paths are the hardest to get through.

Continued prayers for you all.

(((((nik & DD)))))


Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!

Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

You never cease to impress me NIK. She is very blessed to have you as her mom. I am sending all the mojo I can muster for your little girl. She's sweet and she loves you and she'll be ok with your love and all the help she is getting.

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44939 | Registered: Sep 2006
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Hugs NIK,

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)


This will be hard before it gets easier. Lean on us as you need to. We are all wanting the best for you and DD. You and DD are in my prayers.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52570 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I agree with Moo... I don't think you've gotten to the worst of it yet.

But You have made the right decisions and you are doing the absolutely best thing for her... Be patient and allow the program and her staff to do their work.

What you are going thru, what you have gone thru, most people couldn't take. You are a strong person and thru your strength and love your DD will get better.

(((NIK))) (((NIK's DD)))

Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24591 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Love ya, NIK. Keeping you and the kids in my thoughts.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you for updating. I've been thinking of your DD and keeping her and your family in my prayers.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5256 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers too NIK

It'll get better.

BH-29 (me)

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.

Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Oh NIK, I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. Sending lots of love, strength, and (((HUGS))) to you and everyone.

I'm not sure if you can do this, but could you go visit in the morning and bring her favorite breakfast? I know it's not the same, but it may cheer everyone up.

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)


I was just thinking about you and your DD this morning. Sending you good thoughts and strength.

Posts: 35801 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I can only imagine how difficult this must be on you. Take solace knowing that you are making all decisions with her best interest at heart.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6544 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)


You've been so kind to me and to everyone on this site even in the midst of something so painful. You are my hero.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Wow NIK. I had no idea what you are dealing with. Hang in there. You love your daughter very much and she is lucky to have a mom that is so strong and willing to sacrifice so much.

Yes her 15th birthday may not be a great one but without this one being what it is, she wouldn't be able to appreciate how wonderful all the others to follow will be for her.

Hugs and strength, and peace to you and your family

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

What Moo says. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

Head over heart right now is the right way. It sucks, though.

A hug for you, if it will help: (((NIK))) + (((DD)))

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)


Posts: 1349 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you, guys. I appreciate all the kind words and support.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
million pieces
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Hugs to everyone involved. You are amazing :)

Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)



"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13791 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8383 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

((((NIK and family))). You have a lot on your plate, sister.

Age: 64..ummmmmmm,, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks

Posts: 7278 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 10th (Thursday)


I can't even imagine what you and your dd must be going through right now. All I can offer is tons of hugs and prayers for you both.

I'm curious- I might have missed this, and feel free not to share, but does your DD have a Dx? If so, what is it?

More hugs to you both.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Abby - She has multiple Dx. She's on the spectrum, although very high functioning. She also has what her doctor refers to as the Tourettes Triangle - comorbid Tourettes, ADHD, and OCD. Impulsivity and rage go hand-in-hand with her conditions.

She's a complex girl.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Difficult, but necessary. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope this program is able to help her. I can relate to the struggle as a parent, when your heart and love tugs at you when you are doing the tough love that you KNOW they need.

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I wish you strength. I know this is really rough for you but know that you are doing the best for her. I hope she is able to settle into a good place for her soon.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday)


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
little turtle
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

(((Empress))) I love hearing about your daughter and her progress. I'm glad she is in the best place possible and on her long road to getting better. Lean on us anytime.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

((NIK))) I think of you and your DD often. Prayers for progress and peace!

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Hugs Empress - you are amazing and I know you will do all you can for your girl - you are. <3

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Abby - She has multiple Dx. She's on the spectrum, although very high functioning. She also has what her doctor refers to as the Tourettes Triangle - comorbid Tourettes, ADHD, and OCD. Impulsivity and rage go hand-in-hand with her conditions.
She's a complex girl.

Yes, that's quite a complex Dx but the things in the triangle usually are comorbid. I've read that people usually present either with Tourette's/ADHD or Tourette's/OCD but I have not done extensive research in this area (my exH has Tourette's/ADHD so I've done some research since it's heritable and might affect DS one day). I had no clue about the "triangle." The impulsivity and rage associated with that Dx has to be very difficult to deal with, for you and for DD. And the fact that she's on the Autism spectrum, albeit high functioning, certainly doesn't help.

I will keep praying for you guys.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 8:37 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 11th (Friday)

(((nik))) (((nik'sdd))) (((nik'sds)))

You are the bravest, strongest, most amazing, sensible person I "know".

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Thank you all for keeping DD in your thoughts and prayers. It means the world to me.

She has been on the new meds since Tuesday. She seems much calmer now and has said that her thoughts have been less "wacko." I'm cautiously optimistic.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Baby steps forward, NIK.
Sending strength vibes your way......

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 34