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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Why so long
strawblond30
Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Why does healing take so long but some people can move on ever do quickly . I want to be one of them people .


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 938 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Depends on what you consider moving on and healing.

If by moving on you mean jumping into a relationship straight away then I can't think of anything worse. Like a bandaid over a big gaping wound.

Healing takes time. Both the time to heal from the emotional injury and to heal from the brokenness within me that helped me head down this road in the first place.

All of it takes time and work.

Don't mistake moving on into a new relationship with healing. They are completely different things. It might look all roses from the outside but under the bandaid there is still that big gaping wound, now festering.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5444 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I have to agree with the above post, and also mention that in the age of social media, don't believe all these facades that are presented.
Trust us, no one worth their salt just bounces back in 6 months. It is, however, an opportunity not just for healing, but for re-evaluating anything you choose to.
This period won't last, but it can give you a unique opportunity to grow. Let your past experience, no matter how deeply you hurt, how difficult the idea of moving forward in any way is, breathe and let that grieving happen. Don't run from healing yourself. It's awful to experience this and more pain that I could ever have imagined having to endure, but now that I see a bit of hope, I understand why you have to endure, and not compartmentalize and just tolerate a situation, to heal.

Doesn't mean I like it

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Healing and moving on are two different things. Heck, I could "move on" right now if I wanted to. But I wouldn't be healed and I'd find myself right back in a destructive, dysfunctional life again. No thanks.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9314 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

These are really good answers and something I think about, too.

One thing I notice with people who "move on" and develop another relationship quickly is that they don't seem to be lasting ones.

Often what I see is these new, quick relationships built out of things like fear of being alone and sometimes other factors like stress bring people together quickly but it's in turmoil, not peaceful or lasting.

The term "rebound" comes to mind and even though being without romance and physical love is very hard and lonely, sometimes it seems better to try to heal further before involving someone else in our lives.

I think I would hope for the next person coming along in my life to be free of the baggage I have now, where even though X claims he is "over me", he brought a hell of a lot of baggage to OW that she accepts.

Another example is that X claimed harshly to have moved on but spends a lot of time looking back. I don't want that, either.

My mother I watched do the same thing and she got burnt very badly.

But I sure do understand the thoughts behind the question.
Yes, the posts that talk about what is considered "moving" on are good ones.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 5