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Reconciliation
User Topic: WH acting strange tonight
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Question  Posted: 1:46 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

We were out to dinner and I could tell something was bothering him. I was in a down mood myself and quieter than normal. I asked what was on his mind...he started to tear up and excused himself to the restroom. When he came back I just changed the subject because I didn't want to upset him in middle of a very busy steakhouse. After, We did some shopping and then went back home and he left for work. I sent him a text asking what was bothering him earlier and he said nothing. I pushed some more and he said nothing. I got upset and said I was trying to communicate and if he's upset with me, I should know. So he tells me it's about some strange guy that sent me a private message on Facebook that said "I know you are married and I mean no disrespect by this but I wanted to tell you that you are a very beautiful woman" I responded and said Thank you and asked him how I know him. My Facebook is synced with my husband's phone. I didn't delete it or try to hide it. I know he usually reads my messages before I do anyway. I asked my husband if he thought I said something that wasn't appropriate and he said no. I said just say the word and I will block him if you want. He said it's not that. It's that I have so many options now and he's afraid I will leave him now or pay him back for what he did to me. I'm still stuck on the part where he says so many options NOW. I've always had options....Lots of them. Why he never noticed that I have no clue. Why a random guy saying I'm beautiful would make him so upset? It makes me wonder if this is really what's bothering him. I hate not being able to believe a word he says!

Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I sent him a text asking what was bothering him earlier and he said nothing. I pushed some more and he said nothing. I got upset and said I was trying to communicate and if he's upset with me, I should know.

I hear ya. You know him very well, and you can tell when he's not feeling happy. We can't read our spouses' minds. I think you did the right thing to ask him to communicate with you about what's upsetting him.

He said he was upset about the guy saying you're beautiful online? Is he upset at the guy for it, or upset at you for it? Could it be that the guy's behavior upsets him because it crosses boundaries for him? Was there something that happened recently where you and your H saw someone who had a crush on you at an event?

It might seem hypocritical for him to be upset about it, since he did more than "cross boundaries". Maybe it's a good thing that it upsets him now, though, because it indicates that he's practicing better boundaries now. What can you guys do next that will help keep those improved boundaries? Would it help to block the people who make you two feel uncomfortable?

ETA: reread. Your H saw the messages via his phone, not because you came to him? I can imagine that must have made him uncomfortable.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:37 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Why did you respond to the message? Why did you encourage continued contact? Why did you not bring this message to your H instead of letting him find it?


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

What Chicho said... there should have been a phone call to hubby the moment you read it and then the block, without asking him if he needed you to do that.
a man sending a woman a private message like that is disrespectful.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I believe you did good.
He is worried you will have better options now since he has tarnished your relationship. That is on him to fix.
I would however sit husband down in front of FB and together block or delete anyone that is not a friend of the marriage.
Rebuild the foundation of the marriage together.
I have a few friends I have to watch kwim? They are my spouses friends.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I think it's likely that your H is telling the truth, and what he felt was realization that he could lose you. Does he have fear of abandonment from FOO? That made my H's insecurity worse. He had it pre-A, too, I just didn't know it.

After d-day, my WH was triggered by any male attention I got because he didn't totally get it yet. I am not going to cheat. I have rock solid boundaries and a healthy sense of self. I value my integrity. I have positive coping skills to deal with his A. I'm going to go to IC, go for a run, snuggle our kids, volunteer, come to SI. Bending my boundaries with men is not an option.

In a case like this the WS could legitimately worry that the the marriage won't make it, but they should not be worrying that the BS will betray them.

Healthy people don't lie and cheat and break vows just because it was done to them, or just because R is hard, or just because of a Fakebook compliment.

Can you help your H understand this? I also think you guys should talk about how you're going to handle male compliments in the future. I would recommend no response to anonymous strangers. If it happens in person, I would say, "You remember how I'm happily married, right?" But it's very unlikely to happen in person if you make it a rule not to be alone with other men and not to flirt or drink with other men.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am willing to bet he is telling the truth. Many WS's realize at some point that the BS is a beautiful person, who has been mistreated, disrespected, and harmed by them. They know it's not the way to treat a person, and they know it's wrong. They realize that there are many other men out there that WOULD treat you well, not disrespect you, and honor you. That can be a real scary thing for the WS.

They have a very low opinion of themselves, and doubt why you would stay. I remeber this clearly. My H was breaking NC, and keeping OW as a back up plan, just in case I realized that I could do much better.. Really he said that, and believed it. He couldn't believe I would give him a chance to redeem himself.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

What Chicho said - mainly because you didn't know the guy.

I mean, what kind of guy sends comments like that to women he doesn't know? Why did he do it? What does he want?

Why didn't you see his message as an intrusion and treat it as such? Where's your instinct for self-defense?

I really like women. I'd love to go up to women I see and pass out compliments, but I just don't see how that can be done cleanly, unless I know them. And even then I'd hesitate to say '...you're beautiful.' That's got too many possible meanings, and most of the meanings I can think of have to do with getting the woman into bed.

Again, where's your instinct for protecting yourself?

Of course, I could be behind the times....

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:35 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10332 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am sorry, but i am perplexed that you responded to this person. . . and that you didn't report it immediately. What is the deal with that?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I have to agree with Sisoon..and I hope that we are not behind the times. I can't imagine responding to a person that I didn't even know who was coming on to me...just my opinion.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

When a man tells me I'm beautiful in person I don't ignore him... I say thank you. It's happened several times on Facebook and it never bothered him. I always just say thanks and that's it. I only asked this guy how I knew him because we had a few common friends from school. I honestly didn't see one compliment as someone coming on to me. I actually appreciate a guy that politely gives a compliment than the guys that check me out like a piece of meat when they walk by. I act like I don't even see or hear guys like that. My son won't go in Wal-Mart or a convenience store with me anymore because it makes him so uncomfortable when guys treat me like that. However, it doesn't bother my husband at all. Go figure. After reading so many negative responses to my response, It's given me a lot to think about and I will talk to my husband and come up with a better way to handle it in the future.

Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am going to go out on a limb here.

Facebook is a place where we can represent ourselves any way we want to be seen. If you have lots of pics of you looking lovely, glamming for the camera, or looking seductive, then you are going to get that kind of attention. So, is your page, maybe even subconsciously, set up so that a person just browsing through would be likely to make such comments?

As a contrast, my FB page is largely of pics of my family, my kid, and scenes where we've been. Someone would have to really look hard to find pics of me mugging for the camera. And truthfully, I am not unattractive, but in all the years I've been on facebook, I've not gotten a single, unsolicited compliment. So, you may want to ask yourself what message might you be inadvertently sending out to the world with your page. Pics of folks partying and drinking, etc. are a red flag, too. You, of course, have the right to send any message you want, but you should be self-aware about it.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I can understand him bring worried. I'm not saying you responding was right or wrong. I see it from this perspective, some people start an A by testing the waters (compliment, then joking around, etc...). That's not saying that you would do anything or that the guy was heading that way. Just food for thought. I'm glad you and your wh will discuss this as a team.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:08 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 35758 | Registered: Mar 2011
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

My Facebook is set to private. My profile pic is not seductive in any way. Just my arms and face are showing. No cleavage. Before that it was a picture of me and my son being silly and flexing. I would be happy to make my profile pic one of me and my husband but my husband doesn't like his pic on Facebook.

Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Being silly and flexing your muscles? Is this the one he responded to?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 10th (Thursday)


Being silly and flexing your muscles? Is this the one he responded to?

No, the one he replied to was just me. The picture is waist up. I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt . No cleavage showing at all. Just my arms, neck and face show. It's not a professional picture...just a snap shot. No sexy pose.

Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 16