Topic: Talk about A,or not at this point?
Member # 32848
| Posted: 6:46 AM, October 10th (Thursday)|
hello everyone,...we are well over 3 years out,R is going mostly ok,with the usual ups and downs...we are in MC,...I am healing slowely but for sure.Lately,I just dont feel like talking about it. And I am ok with it. With not talking about it. Because I am way passed acceptance,and I just want to move on.He did everything to help me heal and I workeed a lot onmyself.So month can pass by where I dont feel the need to bring it up and then out of the nowhere it hits me like,holly shit,I haven said anything in forever and then I get a little angry and tell my H ,well you do know it happend,how come nobody said anything in so long???? Huh? Whats up with that? Then we talk about it and I get so annoyed why we talk about it,sometimes even bored,...why is this like this? Does anybody here ever feel like this? And what do you you do about it? Thanks,.....
Posts: 185 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 40547
| Posted: 7:30 AM, October 10th (Thursday)|
I am about 9 months out...can't wait for the full one year to pass and the anniversary of "IT ALL"....hubby does everything right and I love him...but sadness hits...I still seem to cry every day a bit...wonder will that end....the A have nothing to really do with us...it is them...but is sure hits us hard! Love to all out there going thru this...rmember WE are the STRONG ones...we decided to stay and work it out! Hooray for US...
Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...
Posts: 291 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 28362
| Posted: 7:38 AM, October 10th (Thursday)|
I also am over three years out. Usually it is not something we talk about. I do think it is still and always will be somewhere in our heads and hearts. I do bring it up sometimes. For my my FWH was anything but forthcoming and only did half assed work. He tt'd me to death. I think for me I want to know the real truth and nothing but. His tt piece didn't always fit together so I was left piecing them.
I read somewhere forgiveness means never bringing it up. I myself don't believe that but if you have forgiven him and no more questions and never ever trigger, and you feel comfortable than don't bring it up.
The WS never wants to bring it up. It is a reminder of what idiots they were. I wonder if they would just out of the blue say "I'm so sorry for what I did to you and us honey." if that would help us.
Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 31240
| Posted: 11:40 AM, October 10th (Thursday)|
I'm almost 3 years out, and I'm dealing with the same issue. If I solve it, I'll let you know. Meanwhile, if you solve it, please let us know.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 18429
| Posted: 5:58 PM, October 10th (Thursday)|
Dallas, whomever told you forgiveness means never bringing it up was a moron.... sorry if it was someone important to you. But they are just dead wrong.
Namaste, I'm almost 6 years out, and I've wrestled with those same feelings from time to time. This is what I did.... I would sit on it for a little while. I would try to figure out what was really going on, what was making me trigger or think about the A again all of the sudden. Most often, it was nothing A related at all. The A was the reason for so many of my negative feelings for so many years, that I forgot that I could actually have bad feelings about other things as well. So it became easy and comfortable to "go to" the A when I was upset. I had to teach myself how to not do that by talking to myself and figuring out what was really bothering me, and why.
Sometimes it was actually the sadness from the A that was bothering, but most often it wasn't.
I also took this time to work on moving quickly past my triggers or feelings. Not ignoring them, not pretending they didn't exist, but I would spit out a sentence or two to my H about what was bothering me A wise, and then I would change the topic and life would go on. I got to get my piece out, and he was aware it was bothering me, but we were both aware that it wasn't really a major issue for me anymore. Just a niggle, if you will.
Do what feels right for YOU, that is what matters right now.
DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10
Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 38044
| Posted: 8:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday)|
The A was the reason for so many of my negative feelings for so many years, that I forgot that I could actually have bad feelings about other things as well. So it became easy and comfortable to "go to" the A when I was upset. I had to teach myself how to not do that by talking to myself and figuring out what was really bothering me, and why.
Good for me to read this...gels up what I recently started to ponder. Seems like I have processed enough of the hurt from my wifes A that I am starting to accept that real-life outside of adultery can be a hurt all on its own. So I, too, sit on pain longer...really question if it is tied to my wife A...seems like I naturally want to tie all pain and disappointment to my wifes A. And that is not healthy.
I am hoping since I am aware of this that it wont happen.
Reading your posts tells me I am on to something true....thank you.
namaste32...sorry, at only 13 months out I am still processing the initial pain of adultery. Cant offer you any good advice. I am surprised to read Sisoons answer to your post....he would have been my suggestion for advice.
Sisoon, this honest admission by you furthers my respect for you. A man with strong character knows his limitations. I have suffered from the sin of pride...am working on that.
God be with us all.
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not
Posts: 3755 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
|Topic Posts: 6|| |