I know this is screwed up and unhealthy but I need to write about what's been playing on my mind.
I don't want to cheat, I don't want revenge (well maybe a little bit) I don't want to hurt anyone.
What I want is to be wanted by someone other than my H. To have a man double take as I walk passed in the street. To be winked at, smiled at, anything really.
I have never felt attractive. Nights out the only time men approached me was to ask if my friend was single. I am (was) the sweet caring one who no one gives a second glance to. I guess I am homely.
Then I met H he adored me, thought I was gorgeous. His friends flirted with me light heartedly. He was proud to have me and showed me off. I started to think maybe I was attractive after all.
Then his A and I have never felt lower. He didn't fancy her but she was attractive enough. He didn't want to be with her but doubted he wanted to stay with me cos if she could make him feel so good maybe I wasn't the right person for him. He used her as an add on to make his life better.
All I can think is I was not enough and he wanted another woman to make him feel good, and she did. He knew he was risking his marriage yet he still chose her. He denies this but of course he chose her. He chose to develop a relationship with another woman. Therefore he put her above me. He said he had stopped seeing me or even thinking about me.
My situation is difficult and different cos I am practically housebound and can't go out alone. I have mental health problems. But I remember when I did go to work and was out and about men never paid me attention. I would walk past a building site, hear a whistle and be on cloud nine only to have a stunning woman walk past me and the penny to drop. Laughable I know.
Thing is H got a huge ego boost from his A and I took the worst confidence knock of my life, and there have been many.
Then you have OW. She supposedly has numerous 'boyfriends' even tho she claims she is gay. Strange situation. She told me when I met her during the A that she uses men for what she can get from them and goes thru the motions of sex just to keep them hooked. She has at least half a dozen on the go at any time (including my H)and admitted to me it's wrong cos they always fall in love with her. Nothing wrong with her ego! She is no more attractive then me tho slimmer with bigger breasts.
I just want to be desired. H says he does and is very physical with me. Says I am the best he has ever had etc etc but it feels empty. I keep thinking yeah that's what you say now but you weren't thinking of me earlier in the year when you chose her.
I guess I am after the same as he was when he had his affair, attention, flattery, being chased and propositioned. I just want to feel attractive and good enough. Like a man would see I am married but let me know if I wasn't he would be interested in me. That I could be seen as attractive to anyone. I obviously wasn't attractive enough to my H.
He says I am around a 7/10 in my scruffs and no make up. A good 9/10 when dolled up but during A he had stopped seeing me and thought of me as around a 5/10 cos of my health problems and I was too busy dealing with a major episode of depression to pay him the attention he craved. So his interest in me dropped.
She was about a 4/10 at the time I had dropped to a 5/10. So not much in it and he could easily have left me for her when she was making him feel so good. He says she gained points for her outgoing confident attitude and that he looked at her through rose tinted specs but he still felt that way. That life could be better with someone else even if not her.
He didn't want her but was using her as a test subject. I.e. she makes me feel so good maybe I should leave my wife and be with another woman. So he kissed her to see what it would be like kissing another woman. He claims he didn't like it but still agreed to sex the next night when she threw herself at him. Curiosity he says, again what would another woman feel like.
He is desperately sorry for it all. It's tearing him apart. He feels sick about it and would give anything to take it back. He has been honest about his feelings for her and me at that time and I appreciate he has admitted it all to me but Christ how do I deal with the hurt, the rejection the confirmation I was not good enough.
Would any man see me as desirable. I don't think so. Its so unfair in affairs how the ws gets all the good confidence building stuff and we get the hurt and low self esteem.
I want to move forward. We still live each other and he says he loves me now how he should always have loved me. completely and without reservation but it's so hard to accept. If I wasn't good enough then why am I good enough now?
Still not good enough to attract attention from other men which I crave but would never ever act on. Like I said a smile or a wink from an attractive stranger would set me up nicely. I would
never do anything about it.
I just feel so unwanted, rejected and unattractive
Has anyone else had these feelings?