User Topic: Does Anyone Not Know The Identity of the AP?
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Just wondering. And if so, was it because the A was a ONS, or for another reason?

For me, of the 3 OW, only the stripper knew I existed. WH does not have a name for the stripped or the other ONS. He knows a lot about the last PA, though she never knew I existed, but will not tell me because he doesn't think I need to know, and thinks eventually I will do or say something I'll regret. She didn't know I existed and didn't know WH's last name. (But he knows her full name, where she works, where she went to college, etc.)

I'm just wondering if there is anyone else in the same boat.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Not in the same boat but, where does WH get off deciding what you need to know and what you don't need to know. He doesn't get to make that choice for you. You are an adult and he has already left you out of too many decisions. If anything you should be the one determining his actions because he clearly doesn't make good decisions.

D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

He is protecting his AP at your expense.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

My STBX was registered on cheating websites. I don't know how many, I don't know who. I assume that every woman I see as I go about my daily business could potentially be someone he cheated on me with.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9814 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I didn't at first. I found sexual messages from on his Facebook with someone that created a fake Facebook page. He told me it was a fling and that I didn't need to know who she was. It drove me crazy! He finally admitted to me months later that it was my friend.

Me BW 35
husband 35
Married 10 years, together 13 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (7 & 3)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 39201
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I have no clue who, how many, where and when they took place... Nothing.

Found one on accident and she is not woman enough to face me in any way, WS got extremely pissed when he found out I tried to confront her.

He also keeps saying that he needs a therapist to help him decide IF I should ever get this information. I content that he did not need a therapist to stick his dick into a whore, he damn sure does not need one to give me the sign on info to read and see for myself what he has been up too for the last seven years....

I am running out of patience with this whole mess that he created.

Me: BS 47
Him:WH 55
M: 27 yrs
DD 4/29/13
3 kids (25,23,22

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I know her name and that's about it. Can't find a damn thing on the Internet which leads me to believe that she is ... Lower class for lack of a better word.

Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I think I agree, Double & Kierst. I kind of think it's a load of bull.

I would not contact her at this point... it would just make me look bad.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 8:38 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Hi Mystic - it is hard to reconcile if the WS is not willing to give you 100% transparency. He should be telling you everything you want to know, including the name of the AP. At this point, if he continues to refuse to tell you, my suggestion would be to 180 him.

Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

She phoned me at home so ya I know who she is now!

Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

2/5 I knew personally. 1 I know because they were friends on fb and she outed him. The other 2 were from AFF. He was friends with them on yahoo messenger, but they never mentioned names and their screen names weren't any help.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Yes she worked for him

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I simply would lose my ever loving MIND if WH refused to tell me who she was. I seriously think I'd be in jail for domestic violence if he wouldn't tell me. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about that.

That being said, OW being a friend of the family is no picnic either. Man this sucks for all of us.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:23 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I only know who the last OW is. I know very, very little about her.

There were others. I know nothing about them, except that at least one was a stripper, and there was a bar-during-a-business-trip ONS.

You might want to tell your husband that a huge chunk of those who end marriages do so because their spouses continued to lie and protect OWs (and/or maintain the secrecy in order to cherish their memories without the tarnish that exposure to air brings).

I'd still be in my marriage if I'd ever been told the truth.

ETA: Well, I'd be in my marriage if I'd been told the truth AND if Mr. Trac-Fone weren't missing a microchip that makes honesty, transparency, empathy, and remorse possible. Alas, he failed on all fronts.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:40 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I didn't know who the first OW was for a long time. Just knew she was some girl in Argentina. Found out her name a couple weeks ago, and I confronted her online. Also was able to tell on wBF's facebook exactly when he deleted her as a friend, which was months after he was supposed to have deleted her.

I would insist on the name. He may be trying to protect more lies that he doesn't want you to find out. What you do with the information is your decision, but you should have the right to make that decision yourself.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

My husband has had 3 affairs - 2 ONS and 1 long distance EA.

I know who 2 of them are, but will never know about the bar ho he picked up and took out to his friend's boat to fuck.

It kills me that she could run in any of his circles...for all these years, she could have been popping in and out -- you know through mutual friends and whatnot.

As far as I'm concerned any woman he interacts with could be he'd better not interact with any women - EVER.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Member # 39712
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I don't know the identity of any of the ONS (he claims they were random people he met in bars) but I do know the person I suspected he may be having an EA with.

Me: BW (32)
Him: WS (31)-Multiple ONS
Married: 1/3/05 Together since 5/2002
D-Day #1-3/2009 (4 years after the fact)
D-Day #2 3/2013(he confessed to 3 more ONS, 1 the month I found out I was pregnant)

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

He knows but he won't tell you? I assume your'e not reconciling?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jul 2012
New Member
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, October 11th (Friday)

My husband's counselor gave him the advice that he needs to answer any and all questions about the affair. Said the ball is in my court and that he needs to answer whatever I ask, in order for me to heal. Keeping anything secret, or "private" or deciding that I "don't need to know" is another betrayal.

I so agree!

He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, October 11th (Friday)

I knew who she was. They were friends through a mutual friend of WH. She was on the Christmas card list, and sent the kids (and WH) gifts. Of course what I didn't know is what is biting me in the butt still....

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 11th (Friday)

WH#2 and OW refused to tell me anything but her first name on DDay#1. It took DDay#2 to finally get the partial truth out of him and once I had her name and phone number I was able to find out a lot of things about her through investigating such as her employer, kids, where she lived, etc..

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 21