User Topic: Am I Being Unreasonable? Opinions of BS and WS needed
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

My fiancé and I are now 6 months out from dday and 5 months out from starting R.

I moved to a different state for grad school a last month ( we were already long distance) and we are at an impasse.

We went through couples therapy with my IC for three months and it failed because she was invested in my leaving him and pretty much tried to break us up through therapy which hurt because my fiancé really trusted her and wanted to do the work.

Now I am in a new state and he was to move in with me but since therapy failed we are still emotionally reeling and he does not want to. He feels he should fly to see me once or twice a month and go to therapy with me to rebuild and I feel he should move in with me and attend therapy regularly with me.

He says that's a sacrifice he won't make if we are not good and recently took a full time job in his state which he says he'll quit immediately once we are better. I should also note that he is a full time single dad. His hesitation makes my affair traumatized brain feel he's staying in his home state for the affair partner.

Since he will not move I cannot shake my obsession/ fear of him relapsing with the local affair partner and I have decided I will end our relationship.

I would like to know if you all think my request is unreasonable? I need him local to help ease my anxiety over relapse with the local affair partner and so that I can focus on my graduate program. Since my schooling is paid for, my insurance will converted our therapy and I already have a two bedroom apartment to accommodate both he and his son.

Should I take him taking the full time job to mean something is going on?

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I'll be very blunt here: I would never recommend reconciliation with someone you're not married to. I know some will disagree..

being he will not budge I think your decision is very wise.

I have decided I will end our relationship.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5280 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I should note that he moved to my state before after I promised him that things would get better and after 8 months we were still in a bad place. He felt he has uprooted his life for nothing and went home

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

I can see both perspectives here.

From his point of view, he is worried about moving and losing a job for a relationship that is struggling. What if he moves, and the relationship still ends? Then he's faced with being in a new location possibly without a job, and perhaps having to move again.

However, I also completely understand your perspective. You don't feel safe with him still being near the AP, and R would be easier together as well I think. I'm guessing you're probably also questioning his commitment to you since he won't move to be near you.

In my opinion, he is the one that decided to have an A. I think it is totally reasonable for you to state the conditions of R that you need, which here is him moving to you. It's his decision on what to do after you do that. I don't think your request is unreasonable. You can't force him to move. If to don't feel safe with him not moving, then I think it's reasonable to end the relationship.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1209 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

This is a tough situation for you both. From his POV as a parent, I understand his unwillingness to uproot his son (again) if he can't feel confident the relationship will succeed. From your POV, I can understand you not being comfortable with him living near AP. Gently, it might be best for you both to move on. ((((Hugs))))

excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I see both POVs. I personally would not move for a shaky relationship unless I wanted to go to the new place for reasons other than the relationship, especially when the relationship was already an LDR, and especially when I have a kid whom I've recently relocated.

I get your fear, but that's your problem, IMO.

I think you're asking too much from him, and I suspect you're placing too much hope on a broken relationship. JMO, of course.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10375 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I agree w/sisoon.

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

He actually didn't relocate his son the first time. This would be a first move for him. Also, I find it disheartening that ppl are acting as if long term relationships don't warrant at least the exploration of reconciliation when some people o SI are married and have opted to reconcile following circumstances of infidelity that others might feel should be cause for immediate divorce. I find SI to be a comforting place at times but I'm curious as to why my relationship is considered irretrievably broken and my pain simply my problem when I have been supportive of others who've seen multiple ddays when I can barely accept that emotional straying occurred.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

If you wish to fight this battle separate, that is your choice to make. I think many of us, or at least myself, that are fighting this battle with a person locally are being honest and know that this battle is not a long distance battle. I have days that all I want to do is RUN. You aren't together to rebuild, you aren't together to verify that the A is over. I don't believe a bloody word my H says until I can see, feel, know his reactions, his phone records, etc. We would NEVER survive this apart.

It is really awesome that you want to take this on and if that is what is best for you, do it!

Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
Member # 39433
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

@Spidergrl- thank you for your comment. I want to end the long distance. Our reationship has always been long distance - except for when he moved to my state for 8 months. I feel we cannot rebuild apart. We have always been apart an I feel like that's why our problems got so bad. We would you have one to five days a month on a visit to address everything. I feel like I gave him an ultimatum to move to where I am or we can't heal. I am still obsessing over his AP. I need to see his behavior change over time to believe it. He's been accountable and consistent long distance but we need to do real work.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Anon, I don''''t know your story so my response is based solely on what you have written here.

I would like to know if you all think my request is unreasonable?

I think your request is perfectly understandable. For me, it is difficult contemplating reconciliation living under the same roof, I think long distance would be impossible. From your writing I sense that you don''''t seem to think that the distance in itself is an obstacle. Rather you feel having him live where the AP lives creates a problem. Again, I can completely understand this concern.

However, given the additional factors in your relationship , I think it is unreasonable to expect your fiance to abandon his new job and destabilize his sons life at this time. If you were married and this boy was your son I think keeping the family unit together would trump the potential destablization.

So based solely on what you have written here I can understand his reluctance to move.

Should I take him taking the full time job to mean something is going on?

Not necessarily. It could just mean he is a full time single father looking to support himself, his son and needs a steady income to fly back and forth to see you once or twice a month.

Edited to add: We cross posted. I see that the long distance aspect is actually a problem for you too.

[This message edited by obliviousnownumb at 5:33 PM, October 10th, 2013 (Thursday)]

You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 11