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User Topic: Back Again
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I'm back again seeking advice. My WW and I have been going to IC and MC. I'm trying to read between the lines of why she did what she did. In my original post I shared my story about how I dealt with the situation and received a lot of flak. A lot has happened since then.

Without repeating myself I'll summarize. My wife had an affair with a 54 year old man that was her Father's good friend. My wife and I were school sweethearts and she had never been with anyone but me. I had been suspecting that something was going on for a year. we've had a very loving relationship besides the past year when she started changing.

Fast forward and along with the PA that she had, she also had an affair on Facebook with a man that we went to school with. Nothing physical but a lot of raunchy sex talk. She actually met the guy twice but claims nothing happened between them. This was all while she was carrying on a PA with the 54 year old guy.

Her initial reason for doing what she did was that she was curious about what it would be like to be with someone else. She has since changed that statement to needing to feel validated and that she felt poorly about herself. She is a stay at home mom, we have two boys 3 and 6.

She had started reading that 50 shades of gray crap when her affair started. She is remorseful about what she has done and is committed to R and NC. I'm still not sure that I even want to R.

Of course just like everybody else my wife is not the type to do something like this. It really has floored me and all of our friends. She claims that the affair was not sexual for her but that she was seeking attention. I'm having a hard time buying that answer. I have all of the texts and emails between her and her PA partner. I don't have the messages between her and the guy on FB.

All of the messages between her and the PA partner are filled full of fantasy stuff like them getting married, moving my boys in at his house. There is also a lot of sexual talk about what they were going to do to one another etc... etc..

The day before I found out I had cried to her in our bedroom telling her that things were not the same between us anymore. The following day she sent the AP an email and told him she was thinking of him and hoped he had a good day. This was literally 20 minutes before I discovered her affair by seeing her phone light up.

She tells me that she was going to end it with him and only told him that to keep him from blowing up her phone. She said she had tried to end it with him before and it stuck for a while and then they would start right back up again but this time it was different because she realized how bad she was hurting me.

I just don't see that being the case. The only thing I see is that she got caught and is saying anything she can to keep her safety net intact. It really pains me to think that she was sexually motivated by all of this and it just wasn't for attention.
I feel like she has done enough reading about affairs to say that she was seeking validation because it sounds good.

I asked her about the affair on FB and she said that she liked the dirty talking. I said that it sure sounded sexually motivated to me. She is telling me now that it was a way for her to get attention.
I'm not a flawless person but I've always been affectionate and caring towards her. We had a good sex life except for the last year.

I'm looking for opinions as to the reasoning behind why she did this. I truly feel like she is not being honest with me, herself, and our MC.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

From what I've read she may be right. For most female WS its really more about attention and validation. Sex is the price they are willing pay for it. But she also is minimizing the shit out of things right now. Her FB EA was not some passing fancy. And her claims that she was in the process of ending the PA is total bullshit. That ones right out of the WS handbook. If she is serious about righting her wrongs. She must first accept her misdoings, find out why she thought an A was OK and do the hard work of fixing herself. Seems to me she is talking a good game. But she has not taken action to fix what caused her behaviors in the first place.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5568 | Registered: Nov 2007
2long
New Member
Member # 10570
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

No, she had the affair (is having the affairs) because she felt entitled 2. She's selfish.

I wouldn't believe for a minute that the FB affair wasn't physical.

-ol' 2long


Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006 | From: So. Cal
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Thanks for the replies. she claims that what she said in the beginning was the first thing that came to mind that she was curious about having sex with someone else. Since time has past she is claiming that she didn't feel good about herself and needed to feel validated.

I've blown both affairs out of the water I can assure you of that. The PA partner got a rude awakening by me and his wife was informed.

The FB affair was also made public by me and I spoke with the guys wife. I just don't think she is being honest with her reasoning. I think she thinks it sounds good for her to say that she was looking for validation instead of saying that she was a flat out slut who ruined my life and put our kids in well being in jeopardy. You are right that she is selfish. We have that one nailed down.

She tried to tell me also that she tried to justify her actions with thoughts of me having affairs with other women which is total and complete nonsense.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Commanche1
Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

"She actually met the guy twice but claims nothing happened between them."
Polygraph is in order, You cannot make an intelligent decision to reconcile without the truth. Give her a one day amnesty to tell all the truth, set up the polygraph, actions speak louder than words

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2013
whyme1525
Member
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I too am trying to.figure out why my wife had a PA we have been to mc and she is in ic alone becouse the mc recommend it becouse he feels that she had the PA for validation reasons but that it stems back to issues she had grong up with her father.. like the mc told us to me it doesn't matter that he says she did it becouse of xyz all that matters to me is that she did it and for the year she did it I knew something wss up and she just lied and continued the pa.. my wife also is remorseful and wants to r but im not sure what I want yet couse like you I say she is only saying what she is becouse she got caught. Cause 20 min before she got caught she was sexting him... I will tell you that if you're wife meet the facebook guy then something happened ive learned to always trust your gut feeling..

Posts: 56 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I would not believe that met twice but nothing happened. Not at all.

Early on there is almost always more to the story that a WS tells.

Polygraph. You might be surprised by the number of last minute confessions made in the parking lot out side of the polygraph place.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3374 | Registered: Sep 2007
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Does anyone know of a place in Houston to use? I think the polygraph idea is in order.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
khaleesi
New Member
Member # 40919
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am having a lot of the same doubts with my WH. Now he says he was really depressed and unhappy... not necessarily with me but in general. He never once mentioned any of this before the A. I feel like he just wanted to screw some other girl and is grasping for some deep reason now that its all out in the open.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Speaking in very general terms here, men give attention to get sex, women give sex to get attention. Of course there are differences, there are men who prefer attention, women who prefer sex, etc, but typically speaking, it's how I listed it. So it's not far fetched at all that your WW was giving up sex to get the attention she needed. Couple that with the fact that the OM was a much older man, a friend of her fathers even, and you've got some classic FOO issues coming into play too (from what it sounds like).


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Ok I get it you are wanting her to say why she chose an old 54 yr old over you! Well in her mind at that time you was not part of the equation. Look I was in your place my spouse chose an old woman over a young healthh vibrant me! Guess what I wasnt in his equation either. She is going to have to dig deep to figure out why. It might be a year from now before she has her AHA moment. See what they choose is a reflection of who they are their AP is just as Fd up!
It is hard on us BS because we dont have that mindset. Like what monster can do that, right? Oh yeah our monster spouse CAN! It is mind boggling how can they!
I will be celebrating my 30th anniversary this year! You can get there. My spouse has stumbled along the way but I keep picking him up!
My kids had a great home life and I have a very loving husband that is soooo sooo sorry for his stupidity.
It will take alot of work a lot of tears.
Do you think you and her can do it?
You can do a poly for a base to build on?
Has your wife had a hormone panel test done? Seriously. I had a chemical imbalance and I went off the deep end thinking silly stuff that is not me had strong strong vivid desires that was not me.
Keep posting it is how you get thru it.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I think the only way that I'm going to move forward with her is if a polygraph is done. I found a place to do it in Houston. It's pricey but it's worth it. I cannot and will not accept anymore lying. This has almost been the death of me because I loved this woman like a man should. Please continue to post on my thread. I appreciate everyone's advice and opinions.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I assure you when a woman gets passionately and emotionally involved in an affair her sex drive goes through the roof. Validation is the key that unlocks her sexual response which can be much higher than a mans.

The image painted of innocent WW's giving sex unwillingly just so they can hear the sweet music of praise and flattery is nonsense. Its a convenient excuse to escape censure for their adultery; the guy with his uncontrollable sex urges becomes the wicked seducer, and the the almost innocent WW is only guilty of wanting some much needed attention, which has obviously been withheld by her neglectful BH.

Your wife sent very lewd suggestive e-mails and engaged in sex probably with two partners at the same time. She tells you it was poor self image; how about the excitement and sexual highs of being with a new man after years of having sex with one guy; you.

Most WW's love the power, attention, lust and the fact they can turn their lover on so much. This in turn ignites their desire and off they go ripping each others clothes off in a frenzy of passion. When BH finds out a quite different story is presented and the WW is suddenly converted into a gullible victim. Why do men fall for such hogwash.


Posts: 1693 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

That is more along the lines of what I've been thinking. It's obvious to me that she enjoyed the sex even though she denies it. That's one of the things that's is really pissing me off. She is saying that if she could have received the attention without giving sex she'd have done it. I'm calling major BS on her ass.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, October 11th (Friday)

The only reason I can find for her not enjoying the sex was if the OM was a poor lover or had performance difficulties, such as ED. You be the judge of that; do the e-mails and the fact she continued the affair support that theory.

Mostly the sex is good because of the newness, excitement, danger,and awareness of the sheer power of her sexuality; sort of ego trip. Now she is backpedalling with maximum damage control, in an effort to mitigate the harm caused to her marriage. In other words she's not going to tell the truth.

Really though we BS's can't compete with the newness and exciting fantasy. Don't feel bad about her sexual preferences; its always going to be better with the OP, after years of so-so routine sex with their familiar spouse. Taking it as an insult is very unfair on yourself; its just a nasty part of virtually every affair.


Posts: 1693 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Why do you need to waste money on a polygraph for questions you already know the answers to ? The initial shock is over , you sound intelligent and coherent. I know you are in pain , we all are , but she had at least one physical affair , she lied , cheated, manipulated, now is telling you a bunch of bullshit reasons . Bullshit , you could have been superman with a 12 incher


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 612 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Sorry hit send on accident.......... My point was that she is lying and does not ( in my opinion ) show enough remorse . I know it's hard , and I know you have young kids , and I know you still love her. But I think you know the answers to your questions ! For me my stbxww had no remorse at all but even if she did or does ever in life , cheating is a deal breaker , for me the trust can never be rebuilt ever. My kids deserve better . My son and daughter have to know that it isn't ok . So for me I actually thank her for no remorse yes it was harder , but much easier . I think you will make the decision to stay or go either way but based on all these stories you know the answers. Good luck All the best


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 612 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 11th (Friday)

She tells me that all the talk and excitement about the sex was a let down every time they were together because it wasn't good at all.

She must think I'm a gullible fool. I told her that she was like a dog that went back to eat her own vomit. Why would you continuously risk over and again for something that wasn't good?

I will go ahead with the polygraph test to give her a chance. I don't want to turn my kids lives upside down and am trying my best to stay in the saddle. I hate that we are all here under these circumstances.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Uhtred,

I hate to hear that she is firmly planted in the land of unicorns and rainbows, it sucks that she can't own what she has done.

Personally I think a Poly is a waste of money. If you get the truth, then what? If you get a parking lot confession, which happens most of the time, what then? She is clearly not going to switch up what she doing until she is really knocked of her high horse.

Filing for D can do this more quickly, and more effectively than getting more partial truths. The thing is even is you get a partial truth, you still won't feel confident in the fact that you have it all, or that she is willing to change her behaviors. She is doing what she needs to stay. There is a big difference in that and what WS's do when they know they ARE going to loose their M. For many of us here it takes a proverbial significant mack in the head to see the changes.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7827 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
2long
New Member
Member # 10570
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 11th (Friday)

If you feel this way now, think about how detached you'll be in a few years, even if she doesn't cheat again.

I didn't get 2 the "indifference" stage until years after d-day. When I did, the true remorse came.

There will forever be a cloud over your marriage. I'm living proof that it can be lived with, but if I had the choice 2 make over again, I wouldn't have stayed married. We had been married 25 years when I discovered the affair, though. That's why it 2k me so long 2 decide.

-ol' 2long


Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006 | From: So. Cal
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

With all due respect to tushnurse, I believe that the polygraph is important--and for a couple of reasons:

--First and foremost, it is something that YOU feel that you need to move forward. That alone is worth investigating.

--Second, it may very well be a direction changer. If you find out that your wife is still lying, it just confirms your beliefs that divorce may be the best route for you. It seems like you are slightly leaning this way, but need some sort of confirmation to continue in that direction. So this can be a good start.

--On the other hand, what if she is telling you the truth? Although she may be feeding you the expected lines, it is a possibility that she is not lying...as she reads and learns more about herself. I can tell you this---my WW said the same exact thing...and it turned out to be truth. Granted, my WW was also actively drinking in this timeframe, which fucked up her normal thought process, but it was the validation, and not the sex, that was the addiction. And once you cross that line with one person, does it really matter if it was 2, 3, and more others?

My WW explains the sex as sort of a "payment" for the attention. It was not the end goal, but more a part of the game to keep them interested. I am over 4 years out, and this still pisses me off to no end, but it is still the truth. You will have to find out if that is the case for your WW. But a poly is a good start to find out if she is still withholding pertinent information.

They say that the TT and lies are the final nails in the coffin. This may be your case. But you have to rule this out, if there is a possibility of reconciliation. You don't have to give her any benefit of the doubt, but you also need to avoid following a predetermined path about her honesty.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2001 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

double post

[This message edited by jb3199 at 8:07 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2001 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

I think the polygraph is mumbo-jumbo pseudo-science, but it can be effective if it frightens the WS into confessing ahead of time, because they believe it has a scientific basis and will reveal their lies and deception. Otherwise its not the best way to spend your hard-earned salary. Why not just assume your WW enjoyed the sex and make your decision based on that.

Did you wife use a condom? If the sex was unfulfilling I would expect her to insist one to avoid the mess; after all if she isn't getting anything out of it why take the additional risk of disease and pregnancy? Women tend to think of practical things like this if sex is boring, over quickly and solely about the man's pleasure.


Posts: 1693 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

I agree with the poly idea for the simple fact you don't know if she's lying about the FB guy.
For cold hard facts; "Did you have sex?" polys are accurate enough.
For the nebulous "Why's?" not so much.

Uhtred, can you interview a few poly-givers? (not just one). It can give you ideas for questions and strategies - say for instance...how much will it cost to cancel? (if you get the parking lot confession)
Is it standard practice to present her with the questions in advance? ( I've read this)
AND
The big question is -
What is your plan if she is lying? Are your ducks in a row?


Posts: 6430 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Thank you all for your responses. I called several polygraph testers and the going rate is $600.00. If I get a parking lot confession I'll only have to forfeit $100.00. My wife did have unprotected sex with the 54 year old man every time. He had a vasectomy. This really makes me want to just roll over and die. Total disrespect for me in every way.

I had a really bad break down last night (uncontrollable sobbing) you get the picture. My wife was trying to hug me or whatever she was doing and I just don't want her to get near me. She has turned me off so completely to that. Is this a sign of me disconnecting myself?

Once was a time that she was my sweetheart and now I can't bare to look at her. I'm about 6 months out from DDAY and I don't feel like I'm getting any better.

My wife has so completely and utterly crushed me in two. I'm not one to cry much but I have no end to my tears. I know everyone here feels the same so I'll keep it to a minimum.

I still can't imagine myself being with someone else and starting over but on the other hand she repulses me. is this just a phase?

I'm going to go ahead with the polygraph and get it out of the way. I just don't understand all of this. I never went out with friends alone without her, she was included in everything I did and vice versa. She used and abused me while I was at work she was out fucking. I was even stupid enough to fall for her needing a break from the three year old so we put him in mothers day out program two days a week. This is when she was pulling her stunts.

I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels waiting for the inevitable. I'll admit that I am petrified about breaking my family apart because of her stupidity and selfishness. Damn I wish none of us were here.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

You have two young children and your wife, with scant regard for their well-being, had affairs. I would not be surprised if there was more than two; one is all you know about and she certainly isn't going to confess about any others. From her perspective things are bad enough as it is.

If you want to keep the family intact, have you considered in-house separation followed by divorce? The family stays together; your wife has to get a job for medical benefits and you have a sense of retribution. WW loses the title of wife; has to assume her maiden name once more, but still lives with you and the kids in the same house, post-divorce.

If you ever are able to forgive then, hell, you can re-marry if you both wish. The above sounds better than you moving out permanently and filing for divorce, paying alimony and child support, financial hardship and only seeing the kids less than 50% of the time. Also the children would suffer less distress.

I suppose this scenario is really suited for a BS who cannot forgive, but doesn't want to split up the family.
Just trying to think of creative ways out of your dilemma other than waiting this pain out, which could take years.


Posts: 1693 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Ok Now,

I have considered this very same thing. I failed to mention that immediately the day after I found out I went and filed for divorce out of anger and hurt. I let it rock on for almost 60 days and called the attorney and told him to call of the divorce that I was going to try and work things out.

I lost almost $1000.00 but did get a refund. I've since thought of doing a do it yourself divorce, she will not contest it. We will split the bills and I'll of course have to pay child support and she will have to get a job which would be good for her anyway. she hasn't worked in over 6 years and idle time is the devils playground.

I definitely think had she had a job that this shenanigan that she pulled would've been way more difficult for her to pull off.

I really don't want my family torn apart but living together as room mates isn't a life at all. I'm honestly scared to pull the trigger on anything. I use to be a hell of a man (in my mind probably) but I've been reduced to the shit beneath her shoes.

I guess in the end we all have the same fears as one another. She is telling me she is torn in two by what she has done to me and seems remorseful but I just can't make my self accept it. I was hoping that time would do that for me but here I am 6 months later still crying like a baby everyday.

I guess feeling sorry for myself is something that I have to get over. I guess at the end of the day I really do not know what I want since my emotions are so up and down.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Your WW is feeling tremendous guilt over the pain she has caused you, but wives rarely cheat without first justifying the affair in their own minds. They need an excuse to commence the infidelity, sometimes they even manufacture one.

Have you explored the resentment she feels towards you that she used as a springboard for initiating the affair? If you are ever going to arrive at a point where you can truly reconcile, you need to investigate this resentment that she used to justify going off the rails.

You mentioned in your first post about your very happy marriage until this last year; I'll warrant that your wife doesn't share the same opinion, and you need to find out why before considering mending this relationship.

One rule you need to follow is to keep your grief private; no more tears in front of your wife. She will become inured to your pain and lose even more respect for you as a consequence. It seems so unfair; they cause you all this grief and yet won't tolerate the tears; especially if it comes from a BH. If you feel upset and a breakdown is imminent, then simply go for a walk, or at least leave the room.


Posts: 1693 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I definitely think had she had a job that this shenanigan that she pulled would've been way more difficult for her to pull off.

More difficult--yes. But if the wayward mindset is already there....

You hurt deeply because you cared deeply. You still haven't fully accepted what has happened to you. I get it---it took me a hell of a lot longer than 6 months to absorb the full extent of my new, unwanted reality.

You will get there, too. You may come to the realization that this was a dealbreaker, and there is nothing wrong with that. But fear is an awful beast to overcome, because with it comes the unfair realities---being a part-time dad, paying alimony to the destroyer of your heart and marriage, the new-found lack of trust entering any new relationships, and so on. Then when you weigh this against trying to make things work with your wife---who currently repulses you---and it just adds to the confusion.

The only thing that I can say right now that may be of a little help, is that 6 months is not a great deal of time for infidelity. It is extremely common for the betrayed to feel as lost or as stuck as you are at your timeframe. But it does get better. It starts to hurt a little less over time, and as you start to take decisive actions for your future, the self-esteem will start to return.

This coming from the biggest doormat who ever joined this site.

IT.GETS.BETTER.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2001 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

Uhtred

I know you are down. What a shame you stopped the divorce.

Because your wife has still not found out why she thought it was ok to have Affairs. EA/PA what does it matter.

But you know what is worse? Is when you start doubting yourself as a man.EA on FB. Her screwing a 53 year old man probably 20 years older than both of you.

But step back and really llok at her.

Why her? Because she is the one that is broken. Not you.

She has you from all her lousy decisions and actions thinking you are crazy.

Stop it. Now.

I truly feel like she is not being honest with me, herself, and our MC

Trust your gut. Book the polygraph. Do not tell her where you are going until you are in the parking lot. Make sure you are in the polygraph only 10-15 minutes before the appt.

Have you explored the resentment she feels towards you that she used as a springboard for initiating the affair? If you are ever going to arrive at a point where you can truly reconcile, you need to investigate this resentment that she used to justify going off the rails.

Your wife is selfish. But the key is not you investigating your wifes reasons which are pure BS right now.

But if your wife is truly remorseful she will investigate why she did this to you, her family and herself.

Why did she choose to cheat multiple times??

And then she will tell you honestly why.

Right now you have nothing from her.

I admire you for still being there. Your family means a great deal to you.

I just wish like you it meant as much to your wife as well.

Stay strong. You are on the right track even if it does not fell like it.

Courage and Patience to you!

HM


Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

I have no experience with poly and don't know much about them..To me it could be very good tool to determine if your your WS is still in the mind frame of dishing out lies and half truths..

As others have said ( as is true in my sitch also) it is how the aftermath of this shitty situation is handled by the WS that makes or breaks the relationship..

Just the fact that WS is WILLING to submit to having a poly ( polys sound scary to me)says good things ...pun unintended, lol :-)

It was the fact that WH PREFERRED to lie and TT to me that killed R for me..
It was the fact that WH PREFERRED having the illusion of an upper hand or power in our R and M that killed R for me..

There can't be a good R without mutual respect.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:50 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 13th (Sunday)

As I read more carefully and completely thru this thread, I am inclined to agree with others that your WS's motives to have A's weren't purely for the validation..I think that her ego LIKES/FEEDS off of the high of having sex with somebody new and different while successfully engaging in her behavior behind your back.. This A behavior is a GAME to her..

I am a woman who has been on this earth for quite a while, lol..

I know that I am in a different mind set, but if I want validation from other people, I am going to go where other people hang out..
I will join a photography class, poetry class, church etc because I generally seek validation for my ideas, what I create, what I can teach others..

Frankly, the idea of having sex with numerous random people for the sake of the sex sounds repulsive and terrifying to me..

As a person who hopes to heal and be in a good intimate relationship with decent person someday I can say this;

I don't like anybody being that close to me physically unless I think that I know him very very well.. I have to be genuinely attracted to him, trust him mentally / trust the motivations behind his desire for wanting sex and a relationship with me..Of course the potential partner has to be single..

In other words while I am still M and in D process forget the idea of having sex with somebody else..

I have the feeling that as a single woman I will be one of those people who is very hard to get..

I am against the idea of in house separation..

In house does a number on one's sanity..

If it is at all possible, please make other arrangements..

Take it from me, a person who is currently living separated from WH, but living with him under the same roof..

In house separation is like living in the valley of the shadows

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:51 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 14th (Monday)

My wife had ran across this site and saw my very first post describing the turn of events of DDay. She told me that she didn't join because she wanted me to have a place to vent.

I showed her this thread yesterday and took her to the healing library and she had a serious breakdown over what she has done. We had a really good talk about things yesterday that was proactive toward R.

When she was reading the healing library she just had a meltdown and realized what her problems are. She apologized to me over and again. I'm very happy to have seen this reaction out of her. I'm encouraging her to create a profile so that she get some support and learn more about why she had this weakness that caused her to almost destroy my life and our marriage.

Does anyone think this is not a good idea for her to be on the same site? Sometimes I find it easier to communicate my feelings to her in written form. Don't get me wrong i have no problem communicating face to face but I can seem to articulate a little better this way. Are any of you on here along with your spouse or significant other?


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 553 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Commanche1
Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Your Wife would do well to get some advice from others who have found themselves in the same situation, she could get both support and Guidance, which in turn coulds assist you.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Being that you want your wife to join, and are not looking to keep this site as a safe haven for you, then this site could be constructive for both of you. Many, many members...and their partners...have joined and participated simultaneously.

Often, they set some ground rules--not reading or commenting on each other's posts, not ganging up on one another, etc.--but if your wife is interested in learning more about her poor boundaries, she will get help here. If you have read in the Wayward forum, they pull no punches on members who are not being honest with themselves. Very smart people there.

And for you, I think that this is what you are looking for to get out of this abyss that you are in. You need to see your wife dig deep to find her problems, to finally GET IT, and to continually work on herself to get back to the woman that you always thought that she was---prior to her poor behavior.

You will be amazed at how much better you will personally feel if she puts in the effort.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2001 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
seriouslylostit
Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

Stronger,

Sex is not a price we are willing to pay. This is an erroneous assumption a lot of males seem to harbor. When we are enrapt by a man be it his appearance or otherwise we have multiple involuntary responses in the nether area that cause extreme need and insatiable desire for sex and orgasmic relief.

The fact this WW is using the right psych terminology makes me wonder about her honesty.


Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

I think that this is what you are looking for to get out of this abyss that you are in

Really agree with jb3199; good chance you have turned the corner and your wife posting will definitely help.

Its a good sign of sincere remorse when a WW is willing to bear her soul, so as to speak, and ask for help from the wayward section.

Still need to investigate the reason for cheating and why she showed so little respect for her marriage, and ultimately you.


Posts: 1693 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)

was a let down every time they were together because it wasn't good at all.

Might be some truth in this - but not in the way a man might think about it - so maybe the truth is lost in translation.

My wife kinda said the same thing. Seeing the OM was a big 'let down' - not because the sex was good/bad or anything like that. It was always a big let down because the fantasy she brought with her never matched the reality. The reality was always pretty damn bad...and nothing to do with orgasms. etc.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 843 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Topic Posts: 38