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Just Found Out
User Topic: The OC is His!!!
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Just got paperwork in the mail that the child is in fact his. Feel crushed. Can someone..anyone please let me know how you get through this everyday! I just feel sick to my stomach.

I am a stay at home mom and now will be going back to work as we can not afford to pay child support and I do not want my children to suffer because of this. Has anyone here ever sued OW?
My grandmother told me to fight for my marriage and not let the OW win. Right now I do not think my H is a prize worth fighting for. I am emotionally exhausted and do not have any fight let in me. I feel stupid and wonder what was the point in my making good decisions for our family when you do this. He says he does not want contact as he hates this child and does not think he will ever be able to love her.

WTF...I am baffled. I do not feel I have to take care of this child but...wow....what kind of life is she going to have with a ho for a mother and a man who hates her for a father. People make stupid stupid choices that other have suffer through. My H says he was drunk when it happened but I do not care. Wonder what he would say if I showed up pregnant with someone else's kid???
Based on all the post I have read I still don't get what is wrong with people who do this? Was I lonely? Yes...Did I feel bad about myself? Yes.....Did men approach me or try and hit on me? Yes! Did I respond..NOPE! Immediately said thanks, but no thanks. I am all prayed out and just pooped out. I wish I had a dollar for the number of times I hear you look exhausted....I want to say...no kidding...See what you look like after finding out your husband cheated on you and has a 2 year-old.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Please, there is a thread down in the I Can Relate section that specifically deals with OC's - you will probably get the best advice down there.

My only suggestion is file for CS now - before the OW can do it. She can only get a percentage of what's left over. I'm so sorry for you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3960 | Registered: Dec 2011
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I agree with everything Tred said.

Please, please, please, file for child support. It varies from state to state, but in some states the first person who files is the person who gets the largest share. It doesn't matter if you're M or not, it doesn't matter who has the most kids, only who filed first.

I would suggest for right now you save the money you would spend trying to sue the OW. Use that money to protect you and your children instead.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1155 | Registered: Jul 2012
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I did...but did not get a response. Also she already filed and that is how I found out about the affair...USPS
So to recap...found out husband had ONS...got OW pregnant and she had already filed for CS in under 2 months. Amazing how fast life can change.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

That poor child


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 598 | Registered: Mar 2003
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Poor child indeed. I don't have the mental strength to deal with that. I have to worry about my two little girls. The reason I would sue her is bc sh filed first it is really me only recourse to get some of the money she will be taking back. In Illinois I can sue her if I choose to stay or if I leave. Fill like I need to start a petition to have law changed to protect the children of the marriage as no on is thinking about them when affairs happen and from what keep hearing they get the short end of the stick in these situations. Just sucks!


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Well, I know someone this happened to. For 18 years her husband worked a second job 3 nights a week to pay the child support for OC.

She refused to pay his child support, and she refused to let any of the household money go toward that other child.

Why should your children NOT have a stay at home mom, get put in daycare during Christmas holidays and ALL summer long because he f***** another woman!!

THINK. IT's HIS PROBLEM to provide child supp for this child, not yours.

I honestly would send him on his way and get into counseling for 6 months, then decide if I want him back or not, depending on my feelings at the time and what he has shown me during that time.

((((storm)))


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Jan 2012
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Shame on your husband for keeping this from you until you seemingly have no other choice. I recommend getting back to work. It's always better to be in a position where you're not relying on another person - that only creates complicated control issues. Save up as much money as you can and stay as long as you can. If you're still feeling disgusted with your husband at the point when you are a bit more self-sufficient and can support yourself, leave and get whatever child and spousal support you can out of him. This is a really crappy situation and my heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself and focus on being stronger and more independent.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Homewrecked has an EXCELLENT point here:
IT's HIS PROBLEM to provide child supp for this child, not yours.
It really is his problem and he should be expected to deal with it without visiting any of the consequences on you and your children. If that means he has to work a second or third job to make that happen, well then that's the price tag attached to his drunken romp. I still recommend getting back to work and becoming more self sufficient. That way your skills don't stagnate and you'll have the opportunity to hide money away for you and the girls in the event you decide you indeed want to leave your husband.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am so sorry, I have no advice, but I feel awful for you. As if this isn't all hard enough.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
kickboxer
Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am so, so, so sorry. I can't imagine the devastation you must be going through -- this is SO much to deal with at once.

My husband has a child out of wedlock - I met him when she was 2 years old. Her mother was also a ONS. Dealing with another woman and child support definitely adds a layer of stress to marriage.

My husband had a vasectomy about 7 years ago. After learning of his affairs, I would have requested he get one immediately had he not done so already.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Thanks all. I am going back to work so I have more options for myself and children. If nothing else he has certainly taken responsibility for this and said that he will make a way financially for our family. I am very independent by nature and was ready to get back to work. My eldest child is not as independent as my 3 year old, so I stayed home for her. Right now I want my own income to show my girls that mommy can take care of them come hell or high water. My H loves his girls and would work multiple jobs to support us. I just need to do this for me and I think it will really help my self esteem.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
Whattodo2012
New Member
Member # 37773
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

Oh gosh, storm77, what a brick house that has landed on you recently. I'm so, so very sorry. I don't have experience with an OC (or at least to my knowledge right now) but wanted to just send you some virtual hugs. Try and focus on one thing at a time so as not to get too overwhelmed. For me, finding inspirational quotes, listening to music & trying to focus on the positives (children, support from friends/family, etc.) and controlled, regulated breathing.

http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Hang in there....


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2012
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

((((storm77)))) My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the peace and strength you need as you deal with this.

If your state has a law that allows you to sue the ow, I would do it in a heartbeat! It's called consequences and she should have some for interloping in your marriage. She will be a thorn in your side for a long, long time.

Check out the I Can Relate forum, there is an OC thread there, you are not alone.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9728 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Storm, so sorry that you find yourself here in this situation. It keeps getting worse it seems.

But I heard what you said about wanting to work and about showing your girls that mom can take care of them. And I want to say how strong and brave you are.

And compassionate. You don't have to think about OC or its situation, but I hear your compassion there too.

Take care of yourself. Stay strong! You are doing a great job. Figure out if you want him along later down the road, when you are healing.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:56 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
youretheone
Member
Member # 19576
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 11th (Friday)

My only suggestion is file for CS now - before the OW can do it. She can only get a percentage of what's left over. I'm so sorry for you.

Actually, in Illinois, it doesn't matter who files for child support first. The laws are written so the family that is first in time come first, not the support order that is entered first.

The percentage of support for 3 children in IL is 32%. However, since your children were born first you would get the first 28%. The 3rd child would only get 4% until your youngest turns 18. But please, consult with a family law attorney. PM me if you need some recommendations.

Check out this website for more information. Knowledge is power and one of the things that you have control over. Many hugs to you honey.

http://www.childsupportillinois.com/


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2008
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Wow, this sounds promising!
Actually, in Illinois, it doesn't matter who files for child support first. The laws are written so the family that is first in time come first, not the support order that is entered first.

The percentage of support for 3 children in IL is 32%. However, since your children were born first you would get the first 28%. The 3rd child would only get 4% until your youngest turns 18. But please, consult with a family law attorney. PM me if you need some recommendations.

You should definitely hire an attorney and get on this, Storm!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I am in tears...the good kind. I can not say thank you enough. This took a hug wait off my shoulders. One of the women I car pool with is a PD but I was unsure about asking her anything as I did not want to involve her. My first concern is always my children I will do and go through anything for them. Thanks for all the support and kind words.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
sg2008
Member
Member # 21578
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

What kind of a man hates an innocent child who only exists because of HIS stupid and selfish mistake. That statement alone would make me question his character. Seriously, it would be one thing to not want to be involved but to say that he actually hates a 2 year old who did not ask to be here is disturbing to me.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this terrible situation. I hope you can work this out to be most advantageous to and your children.


BS(me)- 30
WH(him)- 36
Married for 7 years, together for 9
1 DD- 9 months old
DDay- May 2008 (affair with old high school classmate)
DDay 2- October 2008 (OW2...affair occurred at the same time as OW1 but he didn't feel he needed to be hones

Posts: 217 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Canada
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

sg2008, completely agree. I have not had to deal with an OC situation but part of me thinks that in the early stages that might be a bit of a good thing

maybe there is less chance to bond?

Either way I feel so sorry for this OC I really do and my heart just breaks for you too Storm77. I think that going back to work will be a great thing for you to do.

Surprisingly starting a new job when things in life goes sour is proven to be a protective factor against Major Depression.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Based on the text messages from the OW and the way she was conceived I do understand. He was drinking way more than he should have..she took his keys and did some other things that were TMI for me. Wish I could unring that bell.
A friend I told said if H had been a woman and this happened we would have said it was rape because he was unable to give consent. The OW had been waiting for her moment for a long time. She is a freaking predator and supposedly works with at risk youth.
I can honestly say that if he had told me that night I would have been furious, but I also would have told him to file a report.
Although I can understand his feelings(on some level) I am still pissed that he would even drink to that point and put himself in that situation.
I did not tell him about the conversation with my friend. I just keep asking what happened that night and the story never changes. The OW texts to him are all over the place.

At this point my children will not have any contact with OC. That is too much to ask of myself and them at this point. He accepts what has happened and said that he will take responsibility for the OC. All I know is I don't like H or OW right now. I have to all the time and find ways to deal with all these issues in a constructive way. I will be going back to doctors for meds to help me cope as this is just more than I think I can handle on my own.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

I meant to say I have to pray all the time..not I have all the time.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

At this point my children will not have any contact with OC. That is too much to ask of myself and them at this point. He accepts what has happened and said that he will take responsibility for the OC. All I know is I don't like H or OW right now. I have to all the time and find ways to deal with all these issues in a constructive way. I will be going back to doctors for meds to help me cope as this is just more than I think I can handle on my own.

I think that is great and you are going really well. It took me a long time to like wh, it's weird he became my best friend again but i didn't like him

Gently, and in no way am I claiming you are lying but do you have any sort of proof (even the tiniest) that it was like that?

even that he came home very drunk?

Stranger stories have happened. I do believe it may have taken him awhile to recognise what truly had happened, so if he was truly raped I don't think you can blame him for that, a lot of people who have been subjected to it take a really long time. Especially when alcohol is involved.

I also say that from personal experience. I was a lot younger than your H but my bf at that time did that and I was truly intoxicated so much that I remember how it started but then blacked out halfway through. Took me five months to figure it out. (so I did a lot of research after )


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
storm77
Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

I actually remember the night it happened. He came through the door, his eyes were extremely red and he was crying and not really himself. I have seen him drunk before, but this was different and quite frankly alarming. I later had a conversation about the amount of drinking he was doing. This was right before our daughters first birthday and 1 year after his mother passed away. I knew it was a hard time of the year for him. I let him know everything would be ok as I thought I was talking about his feeling concerning his mother. He just kept saying it would not be.
The years since that night have been tough. He has been really angry and would say that when I went to work I would meet someone who would be everything I deserve. I thought he was going crazy and kept suggesting he should go to therapy for grief as another member of his family had passed away during this time. He has been pulling away from me and just distant. I just did not know why and thought he had just fallen out of love with me. This made me sad but I could take that as people change and grow apart. I knew and still know he will always be there for our girls regardless of what happens. They adore their dad which is why it is so difficult to just leave. If he was a crappy father I could just leave knowing it's whats best for all of us. I can seperate our relationship from what he has with our children.
Shockingly after all this came out he is more the person I remember than the angry one I had been living with the past year or two. He would be up because he could not sleep.. now I know it was from all the guilt and shame he felt.
He has said some pretty thougtless things to me. Our pastor told him to chose his words carefully because once he says it he can not take it back. I can see him doing this and at the same time being honest with me. My grandparents have also been very supportive of not just me but him. This might make some people mad, but it just made me love them more. They told me they love our family as a whole and want everyone in it to be ok. If that means we wont be together that is fine but we need to civil and a united front to protect our girls from OW. This is just a weird place to be and I have so many conflicting feelings to deal with!
I want someone to knock me out for a few days so my mind can just rest.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

and 1 year after his mother passed away.

I am so sorry, storm, that you are going through this. And not to defend your husband's actions, but when my father died, I drank to the point of blacking out almost nightly for over a year (closer to 2). It was a horrible, horrible time for me.

I feel so much sympathy for you. (((hugs)))


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2285 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Topic Posts: 25