Topic: Question for those of you reconciling
Member # 40368
| Posted: 7:48 PM, October 10th (Thursday)|
My H said he has decided to forgive me. He has been doing well and has for the most part opened his heart to me again. How do you deal with the embarrassment that comes with so many people knowing what happened. My H told his family, friends even nutritionist :/ about my A.
This is what happened today, I sent a message to his BF wife who is on bed rest for the next 6 months due to high risk pregnancy. It's all pretty sad. I havent said anything to them directly until today. She responded well but was PC. They live a few states away and I don't see them more than once maybe twice a year. However I was triggered horriby. There I am at Chuck E Cheese about to have one of my anxiety attacks at the thought of what I've done, how humiliated I feel and how public it is.
Frankly I'm pissed off that H told so many people. I know I brought this on to myself but our situation is not just ours to deal with.
I've been great attending family events etc. H family is all we have in this state as mine isn't anywhere near me. I have come to the realization that MY WHOLE LIFE revolves around his family and his friends.... I'm sort of venting I apologize I just don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. BTW we are 7 months in after H discovered my A. I'm completely committed to this process. Some days are better than others today was the worst I've had in weeks:/ The question is how do you handle dealing with people that know about the A?
Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 16024
| Posted: 7:53 PM, October 10th (Thursday)|
You know, I had to learn to stop giving a shit what other people think. And I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. My BH told his bosses and some co-workers (which I guess you could assume they all know). D-day was in August and that December was the company holiday party. I was worried about facing them but I told myself that they don't matter, that as long as I am working on myself why should I care about what they think.
I also find that people who judge have plenty of their own skeletons. Like one guy, I knew he was looking at me funny, but I know that he hides his massive gambling habit from his wife. Hypocrite.
Anyway...focus on being true to yourself and your H and try not to worry about what the others are thinking. It's really none of their business.
Also, I think you should talk to your H about how you are feeling.
Take up your space (and do it well).
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Posts: 38078 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 40368
| Posted: 7:58 PM, October 10th (Thursday)|
Thanks Authentic Now. You bring up great points. I think you are especially right in pointing out that we all have some skeleton we hide. Everybody sins we sin differently but we all do it. I just hate what I've done to my life. I was well respected and loved by my H his family and friends. I feel condemned I'll get past it as I'm drinking a glass of VINO but.... sometimes it's too much to bear.
Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 27879
| Posted: 8:34 PM, October 10th (Thursday)|
I can relate to your question. Everyone in our personal lives knows what I did.
It gets uncomfortable at times. I deal with it in two ways. One, I remember that although that will always be who I was, it is no longer who I am. Forward motion is always progress, and that's what I focus on. And two, I remember that at the end of the day, my XH is really the only person I have to answer to when it comes to our relationship. Other people have their opinions, but they don't have to live with me or be in a relationship with me, so their opinions---which they are entitled to---are secondary to those of my XH.
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 8:35 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
Married 2.5 years
Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 40368
| Posted: 1:13 AM, October 11th (Friday)|
Thankfully I haven't had anyone confront me... My H is the sweetest and kindest man who is loved by many:( I'm just waiting for someone to clock me...
Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 39005
| Posted: 3:51 PM, October 11th (Friday)|
My BH told everyone....his friends, family,and co workers. I recently confronted his parents and older sister....I sat down with them by myself and apologized for what I had done and acknowledged how selfish I was and that I realized how horrible my actions were. I apologized for hurting their son and said I understand why they feel the way they do towards me. My FIL and SIL were appreciative that I spoke to them and said they respected me for it. My MIL said nothing.....I know they dislike me and don't trust me and understand that.
Now all I can do is worry about myself and my BH. He is willing to work with me and is trying to forgive me and that is all that matters. His mother can hate me forever (and probably will) but unfortunately for her is stuck with me.
All I can do at this point is prove to him and everyone else how sorry I am, and that I am trying to become a better person.
"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"
Posts: 874 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 36853
| Posted: 8:43 PM, October 11th (Friday)|
I have thought about this question lately.
My BH and I told no one. But we live in a small town. I have no idea how many people xAP and his BW told. At first I was mortified to show my face at my kids activities or in the grocery store.
I encountered the OBS in public a few months ago and she called me a name in front of my kids.
This is just another consequence of my horrible choices. I'm at peace with dealing with whatever comes my way by being honest and true to myself. My biggest concern is for my BH and children. They did nothing to earn humiliation.
If I am known in this small southern bible belt town as an adulterer then I will always be an adulterer to most people. To those close to me, those I let inside my circle of trust, I will be a woman who worked hard to overcome some very serious flaws and live a life of honesty, integrity and love.
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 23667
| Posted: 7:35 PM, October 12th (Saturday)|
The question is how do you handle dealing with people that know about the A?
It's just part of the recovery gig.
I committed adultery and my spouse was gracious enough to give reconciliation a shot even with the fact that everyone knew she was taking back a cheater and even though she knew people would consider her crazy.... she also knew it would be part of the recovery gig.
Personally, I don't hide it. When I'm with people that know about my adultery, I willingly bring it up to avoid the white elephant in the room. It makes for some really good discussions at times.
As far as being mad that your H told so many people??? I think it's great! Secrets create darkness, and this is one area that a light needs to shine into. For all involved.... JMO
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 40645
| Posted: 6:54 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)|
I live in a big city, but my BW and I are part of a very small community. Most of my A was carried out pretty close to the public eye -at least in terms of our acquaintances. Consequently the A has pretty much wrecked our social life. Many of my "friends" during the time of the A dropped me like a hot potato as soon as word got out that my wife knew. Honestly, I think a lot of them were afraid that this would shine a light on what they were up to as well. Frankly, the whole experience has been a pretty good house cleaning of the people in my life. The kind of people that know -and still are open to supporting my BW and I's attempts at R- well, those are the kind of friends that I want.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 36327
| Posted: 7:52 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)|
Hi - in my situation, FAP's BW chose to out the A to as many people as she could right after DDay, both in person, and via email. My BH was out of town for work at the time, and he started getting texts from people he barely knew, consoling him, before he and I even had a chance to talk. We live in a VERY small town, and had a lot of mutual friends. I say "had", because shortly after my BH and I decided to try to R, we made the decision to eliminate "toxic" people from our circle if friends. Because so many people knew, we were both getting interference from people who were trying to be "neutral" and give us advice on what we should do. We finally put a stop to it, and went completely NC with anyone who had anything to do with FAP and his BW. Best decision we made in those early days - it stopped a lot of the insanity, triggers and crap that we were trying to wade through.
Surrounding ourselves with friends who had healthy marriages, who didn't "normalize" affairs, who held me accountable for my actions but supported my BH's decisions, were critical to our R.
Would my BH and I tell so many people if given the choice? I seriously doubt it. My BH suffered and still suffers from the exposure of this very private situation. But he was not given any choice in the matter. I am only sad for him, my exposure is mine to bear. I'm sure FAP's BW did what she thought was best at the time. It is interesting to note, however, that when she uncovered even more A's about 6 months after my DDay, she did not broadcast them like she did on my DDay. I think there are a lot of people in town who think I am his only AP. Whatever. I had a lot of shame for the first year or so - it was hard to go out. Now, with my BH by my side, I feel a lot more confident, and I don't really care what people think about me, except for my BH, my family, and my close friends.
Hang in there.
Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38062
| Posted: 9:24 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)|
In our case, there are only some that know. We had a close group of friends and since the A was with one of them and both my BW and I have instituted complete no contact with the AP and her BH our group of friends has been affected. It was a her decision to tell the others which I fully supported.
The fallout has been good and bad. You find out quickly who your friends are. Those who truly do not judge.
I personally would not be opposed to telling anyone, especially other men since I feel I have an important message to tell. Make the changes now in your life and in your marriage. Read the book Not Just Friends. Don't let the trauma of an A be the reason you change. But, it's not just me that has to deal with others knowing... the burden my BW carries is much greater than mine.
What defines us is how well we rise after falling.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
|Topic Posts: 11|| |