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User Topic: Help Me Understand - lies, money and sex
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I am generally posting in the divorce section but this is a more general question.

DD was 1st Dec 2012 followed by never-ending trickle truth. I am coming to accept that I will never know the whole truth. WH is seeing an IC and constantly assured me that he was being 100% truthful.

Two weeks ago while cleaning out the garage I found an IOU from a third, brand-new OW stating that she would repay my husband $1500 within 30 days. It was dated 20th August 2011. It was hidden where he keeps his work things. This woman works in a builders' supply company at which my husband is a customer.

At this point I knew it was the end. The straw that broke the camel's back. My WH swore blind there was no affair. Why, he said, would she write out an IOU if they were having an affair. I did wonder about that. He swore she had paid him back and went into detail about the bank branch he paid the cash into, two weeks after the IOU. He insisted there was no affair, she just asked him as a friend.

He kept promising to produce the bank statements but never did. I ordered copy statements and got them today.

No cash out.
No cash in.

I realized he must have taken it out on his credit card which I don't have access to.

I confronted him on the phone. WH kept on lying! He said he would come home and explain the statement. At that point I calmly said that I would be driving to the woman's office to speak to her boss about the matter.

Silence. Confession. She never paid cent back. He didn't tell me, he said, because I would get angry. By this stage, I thought my head would explode in craziness.

For the record I have always stayed super calm on the very rare occasions WH has volunteered info in order to give him an incentive to confess.

I knew deep down that the money was gone. So what I don't understand is:
Why was there an IOU?
Why he lied even when I had the bank statement?
Why he continues to insist they are only friends.

Tell me they are more than just friends. Why else does a married man give a woman money other than to get her to have sex with him? I know I must sound stupid but I don't get it. I am crazy with the years of lying.

I told him not to come home. He begged me. I told him I would call a peace officer if he came. He went to a hotel.

Oh, and as part of the dissolution, he has asked me to pay off his credit card bills because he claims all that money was spent on our business projects and that he will have to declare bankruptcy if I don't. I've paid off his cards twice before.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 8:17 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I don't know whether your husband had sex with this woman, but he definitely breached boundaries.

No woman should EVER be close enough to him to ask for a $1500 loan.

That he let her get close enough raises huge red flags. That he HID this from you raises even more. And that he lied until he could lie no more raises even more.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

They must have been close 'friends' for her to ask a married man for $1500!!!

As far as the bank statements, they don't lie but cheaters continue to do so even in the face of black and white evidence. Baffling.

(((jemimapd)))


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9750 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, October 10th (Thursday)

I held xh's wire transfer receipt to my xh's face and asked him what it was. He didn't know. I said it's a wire transfer to the bimbo for $$ I now know we don't have. He said he didn't know what it was, he didn't give her any more $. Why do they continue to lie when they're so well caught? Who knows. Cheaters lie.

You've already paid off your ws's cc's 2x ? I think I'd be done with that; there would be no 3rd time. If you have no access to his cc statements, how do you know what was charged was truly a business expense? Um, no, don't think I'd be paying anything for him. Ever again.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, October 11th (Friday)

I calmly said that I would be driving to the woman's office to speak to her boss about the matter.

Jemima, I would still do this. You're probably not going to be getting the money back - there's no way to prove she didn't pay it - but at least you'll have the satisfaction of embarrassing her at work and also have the satisfaction of letting her boss know that his employee is tapping his clients for loans.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Sins, I am holding that in reserve.

WH came round this morning to take DD to school.

1. He lied and then admitted that he had tipped off this woman that I knew about the $
2. He says he carried on lying because I would get angry
3. He admitted it was not a deposit for an apartment. It was to help her buy a car after she lost her company car for a DUI
4. He still insists there is no physical relationship
5. He admitted that he had not told his therapist that the loan had not been repaid. Honestly, this therapy is a total waste of time because he is not honest with the therapist.

We are proceeding with the dissolution. He still seems surprised about that.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 11th (Friday)

I am not that familiar with your history but my opinion is that all cheaters lie. My stbxww was and is an amazing liar. It sounds like your husband is also a compulsive liar. I am a man , husband , father, and I would never lend our or my money to anyone without asking my wife's approval and thoughts. But I am also not a liar or cheater. My opinion is that if you think he cheated with her than he probably did. Listen to your gut. I am sorry and hope that I am totally wrong. I wish you luck. Stay strong !


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, October 11th (Friday)

He lied and then admitted that he had tipped off this woman that I knew about the $

So, even now, his first allegiance was to this woman and not you. She got the truth first - you got the continued lies. Wow.

We are proceeding with the dissolution. He still seems surprised about that.

His surprise leaves me speechless.

Honestly, this therapy is a total waste of time because he is not honest with the therapist.

True. Unless he starts to be honest there is absolutely no point to therapy at all and he's not worth the risk of R. Of course it may well be too late anyway - but it's depressing to see that even now with everything at stake his first move was to alert that woman.

(((Jemima)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Thank you. Yes, I'm not surprised he tipped her off. He wants me to call her and she will apparently confirm that they did not have an affair.

I am not going to do that.

It is stunning to me that he lied even when I have the bank statements! I just can't begin to understand the psychology behind that.

This lying drives me crazy. I have to stop discussing things with him outside of the dissolution agreement and stop justifying and explaining my decision. I started that today.

He said he thought the marriage could be saved and instead of launching into my usual speech I just said no, it cannot.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Oh Jemima.

He wants me to call her and she will apparently confirm that they did not have an affair.

Which, of course, you are just going to take her word for.

Because her word is good.

It was to help her buy a car after she lost her company car for a DUI

...and of course he wouldn't have told her what to say anyway...


I am not going to do that.

No. Why bother? I think you are very wise to take the course you are taking from this point forward. Take care of yourself first. If he ever starts telling you some real truths or something you don't already know - then you can rethink your strategy - if indeed, you even want to.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 10