User Topic: ED
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Has anyone else here experience ed because of the A. It seems like I can be horny and wanting to make love, but just can't get it up or even worse be in the middle of it and thoughts come to invade my brain and I will lose my erection. I've even had this problem during masturbation. I can usually find some crazy extreme porn to get me through it, but I will feel dirty and ashamed afterwards. I know this is a touchy subject for most men, but I'm looking for some input as to how to handle it. Needless to say it can be very upsetting and disheartening. Would viagra help with this? I haven't talked to any medical professionals about this problem and feel like I'm to young to need to go to such lengths. I feel like if I can't perform for her in the bedroom then this can only drive her to find it somewhere else. It seems like a relationship destroying cycle.

Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 17
D-day: 06/06/04. Ons
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ months
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together since: 02/05/02

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Try not to be to tough on yourself. I experience the same thing. I think AD side effects had a lot to do with my issues though. If you allow yourself to get obsessed with ED, it will only get worse. Just relax and if it happens it happens. If not tell yourself there's always next time. Stressing makes it worse. You don't need the additional pressure.

(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 139 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, October 11th (Friday)

No ED direct experience to share here. IMHO this isn't about Viagra or white knuckling your way to porn induced climaxes. This is about you not trusting and feeling safe with your WGF.

Do you trust your WGF? What disclosure and transparency has she provided you?

If you are thinking "I hope I can get it up and keep it up so she won't cheat on me again" then small wonder you're having issues. If you performing sexually is what you hope will keep her, she might already be lost IMHO.

Have you tried IC?

And what is SHE doing to become a safe and authentic wayward? Non-erections aside, what does the rest of your reconciliation look like?

This, to me, seems like the non-erections are the symptom, not the root problem.

Perhaps I'm off the mark. Sorry for your struggles. Good luck.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 6:29 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, October 11th (Friday)

Don't make it a big deal. I had a similar problem after D-day. During sex the mind movies would kick in and I would lose it. When it happened, I would just focus on pleasuring my wife. We discussed the situation, and if it happened not to make it a big deal. Over time, as I learned to deal with the mind movies, things gradually improved. Eventually the problem went away completely.

I can usually find some crazy extreme porn to get me through it,

I don't advise this. Let yourself stay horny. This will help you overcome the ED.

So sorry you are going through this.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5696 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 11th (Friday)

I'm going through this right now. Viagra doesn't help.

Shrink says it's a combination of the AD meds and what he calls mental castration.

I am told things will get better as I progress through IC and MC.

Life ain't a lot of fun right now.

Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 11th (Friday)

This happened to me for almost a year. It still happens from time to time now.

Eventually the thoughts will subside and/or they will loose the stabbing pain you get when you think of them.

When this happened to me, I would get upset but fWW would hold me and try to make it better.

Don't worry about it. It's normal.

D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 491 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, October 12th (Saturday)

Thanks for all the advice. It is definitely a psychological thing. She has given me full disclosure of passwords, I get all her text forwarded to me, and using life 360. She's a recovering addict and has lied and tt quite a lot about things. It was 4 months after dday before I knew ap identity. We were building trust and I was starting to feel comfortable again. Then there was contact right after I found ap's identity out in July. Since then I haven't been able to get comfortable again. I don't feel she has been completely open still and it weighs heavy on me.
We are supposed be doing counseling but have been putting it off until she gets a job again. I'm just trying to stay calm and let time pass. I also just sent a message to omw disclosing the A this week.

Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 17
D-day: 06/06/04. Ons
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ months
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together since: 02/05/02

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

I am the BW and my WH has ED issues... Several years before the A he started to tell me he didn't have an urges. Didn't feel like sex.. I would initiate and then start of ok and then couldn't. Three years of no sex he shut me out. I took it personaly when we were at the beach and he get a hard on right there while frolicking with a 23 yr old.. That was my warning.. I should have demanded seeing a counselor. Sopost DD I found out he was having sex. He tells me he had problems getting hard but is obviously lying since he went thru a pleasure pack of condoms. After several moths of fucking without condoms. She had to take too many Plan b pills. Oops
Anyway with me during our HB he had to order Viagra cialis they helped but gave him headaches and back pain. And not always worked. So now 19 months out we rarely have sex. I always wanted it everyday. That's was last year this year I have terrible mind movies and honestly am not interested because he can't be consistent usually it takes a while and he can get it up. Right before sex he goes limp. So I am a mess... He didn't have Viagra with the OW and they had sex fine but with me he can only with Viagra..
Question to WH guys..Is this normal. Are you imagining other OW to keep erection. I am so lost and just hitting the age where I am losing my libido too. I hate my life

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 12th (Saturday)


Please feel free to ask your question in the BS questions for WS thread in I Can Relate. This thread is not the place for that type of question.

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37465 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 9