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Reconciliation
User Topic: How much to share
trying1
Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, October 11th (Friday)

I am struggling with how much to share and with who. I am a little past 60 days knowing about the A. My WH has been patient, and is trying to do everything he can. I see his frustration sometimes. I am dwelling on the details, and trying (I think) to figure out how my life went so sideways. At this point my WH is still answering all the questions, but doesn't really "see the point" when I already know the answer. To be honest with you sometimes I just feel like I just keep ripping the scab off the wound to make sure its was actually real.

I have told him how frequently I think about this mess. He tries to reassure me, etc. etc. But if I tell him how often I'm having a bad day, it puts him in a funk and he almost can't function because he is worried about me (or dealing with me.) I don't want to minimize the situation to him or hide where I am in the process of healing, but is there a point where you just don't tell them that your having a day when the thoughts won't turn off? Is telling him when I am reeling again from some trigger really helpful? Will he get better at functioning through the fall out too?

[This message edited by trying1 at 3:30 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 11th (Friday)

trying 1

My fWH and I are 14 months into R and I still ask him the same questions over and over. I think on some level I am trying to catch "inconsistencies" in his story. I have read many books on the subject of infidelity that confirm that this is "PERFECTLY NORMAL BEHAVIOUR" for a BS who is trying to make sense of a situation that has completely blindsided them. I don't know if this will help you but when my fWH gets depressed over the questions and reminders, I remind him that his A and the the serious health issue that resulted from it have messed with my mind in the worst possible way and the very least that he can do is be patient with me and show me enough respect to answer my questions again.
Its not about him now. Its about healing the marriage, and that means healing both of you.
If each of you have one trustworthy person to confide in that might help too.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, October 11th (Friday)

trying !

I just want to add that I am sorry that you have found yourself here.
This is a heavy burden to carry on your own. I hope you can find the support you need here.
hugs


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
nekokamisama
New Member
Member # 38695
Angry  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 11th (Friday)

One of my biggest frustrations as the BS with my W's A has been her reactions and answers to my questions. I am still struggling to get all of the pieces together in my mind and she has been difficult at times when it comes to the questions.

My biggest peeve thus far is when I ask a question such as "Did you and OM do such-and-such?" and she immediately replies with "Why?" ARGH! Because I want and need to know.

I am an IT guy and a large part of my job is what I consider to be "detective work", where I pore over details of a system or software trying to find why something is happening. This has extended into my needs for information regarding the A, but she sees no use for it.


Me: BS/FWH 46
Her: FWW/BS 39
OM: 32 3-month EA/PA
Married: 11 years
2 Sons: 7,19

D-Day 2004 (my EA/PA, her EA almost PA)
D-Day 2005 (her EA)
D-Day 8/28/2012 (TT her EA)
D-Day #2 7/22/2013 (more TT)
D-Day #3 7/24/2013 (Truth 2.0 EA/ PA)
In R


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 11th (Friday)

He had a 3 year affair - it's probably going to take you 3 years to get through the minefield.

Do you have any outside support besides SI? I had my sister and a best friend that supported me, listened. Neither of them have been through infidelity, but they were a great support to me when I just needed someone to hear me other than my WS.

I am 7 years out and we are R'd. I admit there are times I pick at the scab somewhat - but it gets better. You know, a song comes on the radio - used to trigger me to tears, now it's just kinda "ya he was that same kinda asshole" but that thought is fleeting now.

My H is a master compartmentalizer - he never thinks of the A's at all unless I bring it up in some way (or if my passive aggressive side starts belting out Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats')

He deals when I bring things up... he's still says stupid stuff, but we can *laugh* about it. I know, I know when someone said I'd be able to laugh about some of this I thought Oh Hell No!

60 DAYS from DDay is nothing. Cut yourself some slack. One day, hour, minute at a time. They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing!

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 4:19 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 11th (Friday)

He had a 3 year affair - it's probably going to take you 3 years to get through the minefield.

Do you have any outside support besides SI? I had my sister and a best friend that supported me, listened. Neither of them have been through infidelity, but they were a great support to me when I just needed someone to hear me other than my WS.

I am 7 years out and we are R'd. I admit there are times I pick at the scab somewhat - but it gets better. You know, a song comes on the radio - used to trigger me to tears, now it's just kinda "ya he was that same kinda asshole" but that thought is fleeting now.

My H is a master compartmentalizer - he never thinks of the A's at all unless I bring it up in some way (or if my passive aggressive side starts belting out Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats')

He deals when I bring things up... he's still says stupid stuff, but we can *laugh* about it. I know, I know when someone said I'd be able to laugh about some of this I thought OH HELL NO. But ya know, if you both truly put the work into R, you can heal and you can laugh again.

Is telling him when I am reeling again from some trigger really helpful?

You tell me. Honestly does it help you? Because if it does, that's all that matters. He needs to grow a thicker skin and instead of sulking (turning the hurt onto himself) he needs to comfort you through yours.

60 DAYS from DDay is nothing. Cut yourself some slack. One day, hour, minute at a time. They don't call it a roller coaster for nothing!


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Will he get better at functioning through the fall out too?

Is he in IC? That was a requirement for me. My H would not have healed and we would not have gotten through this without him being in IC. If he wants to get better functioning, then he needs to learn a lot about himself in order to do so.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6027 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
trying1
Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 11th (Friday)

toughernow - thank you. Lucky2HaveMe - Does it really get better? I see all these posts that say, their marriage got better post A. I feel like it is just walking through the reckage and learning to deal with it.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
trying1
Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, October 11th (Friday)

We are in MC. I might suggest IC to him.

[This message edited by trying1 at 4:28 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Have you asked him to give you a timeline? It helped me because I too felt like I was going crazy, always thinking about it, ranting about it, and I felt guilty that he had to "deal with me" as I went crazy and asked the same questions and said the same things and cried and cried.
Asking him for the timeline- calmly- helped because he did the talking. An I didn't settle for "then we hung out an I came home"
I told him I wanted everything- "you said you went for coffee- you dont drink coffee." Him-"I had water".
" who started the conversation?" "Who kissed who first?"
And on and on. Each visit. It sucked hearing it but it opened up a lot of doors for conversation about what he was thinking.
It may not work for everyone and my WH appeared to be willing to help me in anyway.
But making him talk, kept him talking. And me not freaking out at every answer also kept him talking. I was very matter of fact about it. Just listened and asked when I wanted clarification. It took a long time. And I crashed hard later that night. But it took the weight off my shoulders of wondering and ... He was talking, not me.
It was a big step for us and if he is truly ready to work in this- he will do whatever it takes. And if he's not, then maybe you need to reconsider your position.
I wish you peace and strength through this.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
leccden
Member
Member # 16126
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Trying,

It,s ok to keep asking questions if you need to. You re at the very beginning of the process and probably still need to put all the pieces together. I am just over six years out and will still ask a question every once in a while. And if you are having a bad day you have every right to to tell hubby. Believe me in time the good days will more and more and the bad days less and less. As far as triggers in time they will not hurt as much and then it will just be a thought that just just comes and goes. Just remember their really is no wrong or right on how you go about healing. We all do it in a way that works for us. If what your doing helps you get through the day then hopefully your husband will be there to help you through


BS me-47
WS her-47(Authenticnow)


Posts: 420 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New york
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 11th (Friday)

He is frustrated about going over the details?

Well that is just too bad.

You need to do this because you are in shock and trauma. And you did not ask for this.

It is a very real consequence of his selfish cruel actions. My H asked me at 5 months out if I thought I should be over this by now.

I told him that I could be over it tomorrow, but that would mean he would have to be gone out of my life so he wouldn't be a constant reminder. He chose to be patient.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 11th (Friday)

Fightingback
It is a very real consequence of his selfish cruel actions. My H asked me at 5 months out if I thought I should be over this by now.

I told him that I could be over it tomorrow, but that would mean he would have to be gone out of my life so he wouldn't be a constant reminder. He chose to be patient

.
Love It. So true


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
trying1
Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, October 11th (Friday)

It is so good to hear that this won't hurt this bad forever, although right now it's pretty rough. He is forth coming about everything, as far as I know. I just hate the fragile feeling...like everything could change at the drop of a hat (because it did)...and get worse.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
SoVeryTired5
New Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Trying1-
Yes! I keep ripping off the scab too. I hope it gets better/easier. I know what you mean though. It's a living nightmare.


Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 45 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Patchy
Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 12th (Saturday)

Oh do I relate. And I agree with many of the comments so far.

Yes, this is very early for you still and with his affair being so long, you should buckle up for a lengthy recovery. At some point (maybe now?) you'll have good "moments". Mixed between the deep pain and anguish, of course. Then you'll find you have a good hour or two. Eventually you'll even have a good day . . . followed by a "few" good days. I'm 10 months from my 2nd Dday (15 months from 1st). As time has gone on, I've come to periods of "relatively" no pain. At times I thought and hoped that just maybe it would stick. But it hasn't yet. I, too, keep holding on to the stories of people who say it does get better.

As for him having trouble with you asking questions . . . my WS has always been the same way. I had to pry answers out of him in the beginning. It was partially because he wanted to spare me and, in his mind prevent pain, and partially because of the way I responded to some of the things he told me. The person who replied that she kept her cool while hearing his answers and then let it all out later was wise. Do what you can to not freak out when he actually gives up information.

I was nervous from the get go about knowing too much. I knew I'd have a hard time dealing with knowing certain things and triggering. Yet my IC encouraged full disclosure. After researching it, and why it's supposed to help, I decided to push for more details. I guess in the long run its good I know what I know . . . and yet it sure has been painful dealing with some of it and there are a few things I really wish I didn't know. Once I responded the way I did to a place he said they went, he became more general with his answers about where they went and I was totally fine with that.

I definitely have felt from the beginning like I wished I could ask him questions without him getting all worked up about it. I didn't want to seek new information necessarily, but like you said, sometimes I just felt the need to ask the same questions. I recall a very heated time he answered a question I had previously asked . . . basically "how could you do this to me?" . . . but he answered it differently and in a way that actually made a difference. Sometimes when I'm in pain and wondering the same question I try to remind myself of what he said that night. And I feel like I have to "remember" because I don't feel safe asking it again. And that's not good. :/

And this leads me to how my IC suggested that he and I were co-dependent. He wants to protect me by being extra careful what he says or does, like he's on eggshells, and I want to protect him by not making him talk about things, or not letting him know I'm having a bad day.

So, yeah, to respond to your question about whether or not to let him know you are having a hard time. That's a hard one. I like the person who asked what helps "you". Does telling him make you feel any better? Does he hold you and comfort you and, if so, does that help? Does he not do those things but you think it would help if he did? If so, tell him. Tell him whatever you think he can do that might help you.

For me, in the beginning, I wanted to be held and comforted and reassured . . . and maybe apologized to again. But I also didn't want to torture him with my endless breakdowns, so sometimes I'd try to hide. I'd curl up on the floor of our walk in closet, or go sit in my car in the garage and full on scream and cuss and get it all out. It was rare I "hid" that he didn't find me. And I think sometimes its okay to hide and just be alone and let it out. And other times you need to be held and comforted.

As for letting him know what triggers you, I think it's generally important. I have told him about many, and believe me there are MANY, which is why he's always on eggshells. But I have also chosen not to tell him about some, because there's nothing he can do about them. One time when he mentioned Tahoe in general conversation, and I'd already told him before it was a trigger for me, I cut him off and said he really needs to not bring up Tahoe.

He completely didn't get that one because it's not like they ever went there. But she used to live there, it's her cover photo on her facebook page, we've been there and I've ridden my bike around the lake, which is an awesome memory, but I know that sometime after that, she rode her bike around it as well. She and I had a conversation about it . . . one of the few conversations I ever had with the bitch. Before she officially became a bitch.

At any rate, so Tahoe was a trigger I decided he needed to know so that he could just stop mentioning Tahoe already. After explaining in further detail this time why it was a trigger for me, because he just didn't get it, his reply was, "Is this going be forever? Because I really like Tahoe." To which I just shook my head in frustration. Like as if I know how this will all go.

At any rate, as time has gone on, I have certainly held back in telling him when I'm triggering and/or just having a bad day . . . or moment. Just tonight we were on the freeway and I started crying. Not about the A specifically, but to my life in general and ways the A has made me a bit of recluse. So, in a round about way about the A. Anyway, these crying moments come up often and many times he's completely unaware. This time he noticed and said, "Are you crying?" To which I just looked at him and looked away . . . and there was no further discussion about it. I didn't figure there was any point. And yet I do wish that when we got home he would have made a point to give me a hug or something. Instead, we just went on as if nothing happened. (Just writing this post makes me think about what my IC would say and how I might need to write some notes to myself, process how I'm handling things and tell him what I need from him.)

One thing I know I need to tell him and haven't yet, is that I don't want him to minimize any situation (another thing my IC says we both do). When he went out of town recently, I went to a trigger place with my best friend. I texted him that I was there and he said, "I like that place". To which I'm thinking, "Does he not have a clue how huge this is for me?"

Well, turns out he did. He just didn't want to make things worse for me by saying anything . . . you know, pointing out the elephant in the room. That discussion happened between he and my friend via text. I was a bit intoxicated and stayed out of it. But have fully intended to have the conversation where I tell him that in that kind of situation I would much prefer him say something like, "I'm glad you're trying, honey. I hope it's a good night for you." Or anything that lets me know he "knows" and "gets it".

Okay, so this is really super long. But I hope it's helpful in some way. And I hope you don't fall into the same patterns I have in "protecting him" and letting him know at times what I need from him. I'm glad you posted your questions so I could reflect on my own situation and how it could be improved. So thank you for that.

Big hugs to you during this totally painful time of your life. Take care.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
betrayed5years
Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, October 13th (Sunday)

trying 1....Am just over a year from Dday and today was the first "normal" Saturday we have had in that year. He did his thing and I did mine in the same house....a year to just have someday I can call normal, with normal feelings. A year ago I never thought it would have been possible and even that I would still be here. The path of R is a rough road with no defined path. We have had lots of deep valleys and few high points, yet we are still together.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
trying1
Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Patchy

Thank you so much for sharing. Aside from the expected difficulty dealing with this, I want to work through it and be done! Go back to normal, and accepting that normal is gone forever is crushing me.

It actually hit my WH last night that everything is changed- forever. We were at a family dinner and he was talking to my brother about these huge concrete arrows that were used in the 20 and 30's for aircraft navigation. As he was trying to describe their location of one which is close to us, he used the OW work location as reference. I guess some sort of look shot across my face. His comment to me later that night was, "she ruins everything". I of course in my not so sensitive way said, "no the consequences of your choices changed everything." He agreed. I feel so bad for him, when I can see the pain he is in, because of the effect this has on me. But the thing that was bugging me most last night, is that he feels bad for the pain I am in. Does he really feel bad for his choices...or just that he got caught. I don't know.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 14th (Monday)

I just want to add, without assumption or judgement, that the first three months after felt a great deal like you describe, only to discover that he had maintained text contact with the OW at month 3. Her words were still in his head, her justifications and convincing and guilt trips were still a part of his life then - so no wonder he didn't feel like always answering my questions!

During that time, I remember feeling extremely protective of him and scared. Scared of losing my family and myself, scared that he was going to leave. After I discovered a text from her, the gloves came off. I drove out to her work, asked her if she was going to continue to fuck with my life, or do what was right. She assured me that she was done (which meant absolutely nothing, but at least I felt like I was finally a small part of that secret world they created). After that, I was ready to leave. We talked for hours and hours that day, and I got to hear all the bullshit brainwashing that she was doing. I told him that if he could do real and honest work and make a choice himself, I would try once more. I wrote a contract then that clearly stated all of my needs, and I was (and am) completely ready to follow through with those.

That's when recovery really began, and I would say we entered 'reconciliation' about 2 months after that.

Don't shy away, but there are times for YOUR benefit when you might want to gather your thoughts for a few days, and take the time to do things you enjoy with your H. If you don't have time to remember why you want to even try to R, it might defeat you. That is the only way I feel it is healthy NOT to bring up questions and concerns everyday.

Best of luck, you are here, you are doing the hardest work there is. Your strength is something you can be proud of right now!


me, BW: 33
FWH: 34
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 14th (Monday)

trying1; that is one question that I think you should try to get the answer to. Does he feel badly about his choices or just that he got caught? If you are not sure about that it will take longer to heal.

My H wrote out a pages long narrative about his whys, his thoughts, etc. He was very clear how horribly he felt about his choices. I have that email saved and read it every week or so still (got it at 5 months out).

At almost 13 months I am mostly happy, but still think about the A often throughout the day; however it rarely brings me pain. Mostly I am happy at how far we have come and at peace to finally feel that my H and I are a true, connected team.

Best to you.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 14th (Monday)

Also, we told all of our immediate family (no kids) and our closest friends. You really can't expect real understanding from people who haven't been through the same thing, and I had to ask a few people to stop asking me questions because they were too angry with my H. In the long run, so far, it's been a great choice though. Feels like one veil of secrecy was lifted, others feel differently about this though. It's up to you and what you need.


me, BW: 33
FWH: 34
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Topic Posts: 21